Until I was about 44 years old, I was proper.  I conformed to the conventions of whatever group I happened to be with in an effort to blend in, adhere to the norms, and to not be singled out.  Our society and culture, as well as the social groups we belong to, put norms on what we can talk about, how we should act, how we should dress, what we should look like and who we should be friends with. And for all of our bravado of saying we don’t conform, this is something all of us do.  For example, there are few heterosexual men that will wear an evening gown, high heels, and makeup in public. We get embarrassed when someone is walking down the street wailing at the top of their lungs because public displays of emotions are frowned upon.  To be a “hipster” you have to look, act, and dress a certain way.  All of those things are examples of conforming.  I just have to say…screw that.

Instead of being proper, I have become a believer in filters.  Filters keep out what you don’t want and let in the parts that you do. For example, coffee filters keep the grounds out yet still let in the delicious coffee.  One day I was having a conversation with Matt about a ski meetup I had joined while he was travelling abroad. I was telling him that the challenging part was when driving to the mountain with a new carload of people each week and having the first superficial conversation over and over, i.e. what do you do, where are you from, etc.  I complained that it didn’t allow you to really get to know anyone more in-depth because you never got to any “meatier” discussions.  Matt’s response was “so just start with the 4th conversation”.  HUH, I don’t understand?  He said, “when they get in the car just start talking about poop, or your last sexual encounter, or your stand on women’s rights. If they ride with you again, they will be your friends.  If they jump out of the car, you’ll know they really aren’t people you want to hang around anyway.  It’s a filter.”

That made me think about all the really great friends I have and what attracted me to them.  In each case, the people I am closest to moved into my inner circle of friends by saying or doing something totally outrageous.  I love outrageous, unrestrained people. Who to hell wants to hang around boring, superficial, predictable people?  Oh yeah, other boring, superficial, predictable people do.  I want to be unpredictable so I look for other people to mirror that for me.

One of my favorite stories of a friend who is unrestrained and who I love dearly is my friend Jenny.  Jenny, Tracy and I all went skiing one Saturday morning. Tracy and I were friends but we didn’t really know Jenny that well.  When we got in the car, we all had a story we wanted to share about how great our week was. Tracy had something good happen at work, I got a new grant, but Jenny wanted to tell her story first.  Jenny said, “I had the best week. I met up with this guy I haven’t seen since I moved here. We made out at the bar, I brought him home, we had sex all night, then in the morning, we woke up, made bloody mary’s and stayed naked on the couch all day.”  Silence. Tracy and I looked at each other and, as one, said, “my news isn’t that interesting after all.”   How could we not fall in love and be friends with a person like Jenny?  She has this fantastic sense of self, of her needs, and of what is really important in life.  She is fabulous.  And most of the women who hear me tell that story all say “I want to do that” but very few ever will even attempt anything so bold.

Relationships take lots of work and honest, open communication. We all want to be seen in a good light, but you have to willing to be real and authentic with people always, from day one.  Even when it is hard and you don’t want people to know that you have made a mistake, done something stupid, or are having a crazy moment, you have to just put yourself out there anyway.  You will enjoy life a lot more if you can just be your unrestrained self with people that can be that way with you in return.  And that means in all your crazy glory, even wailing at the top of your lungs while walking down the street. The people who are truly your friends won’t shy away from that.  If they can’t handle the authentic you…well why would you even care what they think?  Authenticity is a filter, it filters out those who we want to keep in our lives from those who we need to let go so that they can find what they are looking for in someone else.

I believe that we are pretty spectacular people and that if we know ourselves, we can then introduce ourselves to others in an honest, fun, specifically quirky way as individuals who are comfortable with our awkwardness… and that’s usually where we connect with people– the awkward intersections. ~ Rachel