Monthly Archives: December 2013

Resolutions…

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I have never been a big fan of New Year’s celebrations.  I love the idea of spending the night with people you love, but I don’t have to get dressed up, blow noisemakers, and be out with thousands of other people to do that.  I prefer intimate gatherings of friends, soft comfy warm clothes, good music, a fireplace, and some nice hot beverages.

New Year’s is just a day, like all the other days in the year.  Our calendar date for the new year is arbitrary and there are other cultures that have a different date for the new year.  I do, however, like the symbolism of new years as a time of transition.  It is out with the old, in with the new.  It is a time of renewal.

This idea of transition from one year to the next is why people make resolutions.  I am not a big fan of resolutions either although in the past, I have always made them.  This year, I am going to try something different.  Thanks for the suggestion Deloa!

One problem I see with resolutions, at least for me, is that the resolution adds something I want to do onto my life, but my life is already full. Instead of out with the old, in with the new, my resolutions are add-ons and I have left out the part that I have to take something out. That is, I want to: lose weight, get in shape, spend more time with family, strengthen my relationships, etc. but in order to add something in, what I don’t consider is that I have to first let something go to make space for that new thing. I made resolutions and then six weeks later when I don’t have time for them or they are stressing me out, I drop them.  Yet I still keep walking around with the baggage I was carrying in the past year.

So this year, instead of making resolutions, I made two lists.  I made a list of things that aren’t working for me anymore and titled it Releasing.  Then I made another list of Intentions for the new year of changes I wanted to make in my life.  The releasing list has some relationships that aren’t working for me as well as organizations I belonged to that weren’t adding any value to my life, activities that I no longer do but still have gear for, etc. The intention list has the new relationships I want to cultivate, behaviors that I want to adopt, and activities I want to explore.  Beside each item on each list I am finding a symbol or a photo that represents each thing.  At midnight I am going to take my Releasing list and throw it into the fire, symbolically releasing the things that aren’t working for me, then I am going to throw my Intentions list into the fire and offer it up to the universe.

This might sound a little “out there” but really, is it any worse than making a resolution that I give up six weeks later?  In the past, I have found that by putting my intentions, dreams, hopes and desires out to the universe that it opens up the space for it to happen. It doesn’t always happen in the way I had envisioned, but nonetheless, I can create the life I want.

Here is the key…whatever you do, whether it is make a resolution or throw intentions into a fire, you have to believe, really believe, that you are worthy.  The energy you give off will come back to you. If you believe that you are worthy of happiness, love, success, abundance, joy…then that is what you will create.  But if deep down, you believe something else, then that is the energy that you are giving off and that is the energy that is going to gravitate back to you.  So whatever your intentions are, put them out to the universe with your whole heart.  In a few weeks, if you aren’t keeping your goals or working toward them, ask yourself if you truly believe you are worthy.  And if not, what is it that is holding you back?

“We can either watch life from the sidelines, or actively participate… Either we let self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy prevent us from realizing our potential, or embrace the fact that when we turn our attention away from ourselves, our potential is limitless.” ~Christopher Reeve

Happy New Year!

The life cycle of traditions

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Some people, when given a sign, know exactly how to read that sign and what they should do about it.  For me, the universe pretty much has to hit me over the head with a sign before I listen and change my course of action or beliefs.

When I was a teenager, I was pretty troubled.  An old native American told me that I wouldn’t find my true spirit until I walked with the Raven. I didn’t know what he meant and I spent much of my life trying to decipher those words through the situations and the people around me.  What I have realized is that even as a teenager, those words gave me hope.  He didn’t tell me that I would never find my spirit, but that it would happen in the future.  Hope is what most people need to get through life’s difficulties.

DCIM100GOPROLast summer, I had the opportunity to travel around the country.  Everywhere I went, when something transformative happened, there was a Raven there.  I couldn’t help but remember the old man’s words.  And at the time, it felt like chains were being released, emotional chains.  Later in the year, I had the opportunity to go to Nepal and paraglide with Egyptian vultures.  When I got back, one of my friends joked with me that my new name was Soars with Eagles.  I laughed and made a joke back to him in the manner of friends teasing each other and then forgot about his comment until yesterday.

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Photo by Richard A.

I have known I was a different person since I was in Nepal.  Traveling changed me a lot. When I got back to Seattle, I was walking through a wooded area to the gym and the Raven story was on my mind. I looked up at one point in my walk and there, about 30 feet from me, was a gorgeous American bald eagle looking at me.  He was just sitting in a dead tree and he was staring at me.  It was one of those times where the hair on the back of my neck started to stand up and that odd feeling that something special was happening, where my gut was churning with emotion.  Finally, after what felt like hours, he spread his wings and flew off.

I have a friend who is a shaman and when I told her about it she said “I think you are entering a new time in your life and the eagle is your guide”. Again, being the scientific linear thinking person that I am, I put it out of my mind.  Then yesterday, when my roommate and I were trying to figure out what movie to watch for our solstice celebration (read more below), she said “the only appropriate movie I can think of is Dances with Wolves”.  At that moment, all of the signs I just wrote about above converged in my head.

I realized the tradition of the raven was over. As a story, the last chapter of is written, now all I needed to find was a way to close it out.  About an hour later, my friends Nick and Sarah called and asked if I wanted to meet for lunch at Black Raven Brewery.  Yeah, okay universe, I get it. Nick, Sarah and I shared food and beer and toasted to lots of upcoming adventures we are planning.  It was a great symbolic way to put an end to the Raven.  But just because a story ends, doesn’t mean the characters in the story stop living, it just means they need to find another story to begin. Our stories, like all the traditions of our lives, have a life cycle.

Everyone has traditions.  They are a fundamental part of the structure of the lives of human beings. We have traditions surrounding all of the big events in life: marriage, birth, death, etc.  We also have everyday traditions or routines like brushing our teeth or going out for an Americano.  And then there are traditions surrounding holidays and special days like birthdays or anniversaries.  And then there are faith-based traditions.  All of them are important parts of who we are.

Since my divorce, the holidays have been very difficult because those traditions, those foundational structures of my life, were just instantaneously dissolved, there was no closure or slow letting go. Getting older has also ended certain traditions, although through a slower process.  My children have their own families now and are spending holidays and creating new traditions with those families just as they should be.

For me, I think that is one of the hardest parts of entering the autumn of my life.  I guess like most people, I struggle with things changing.  The empty nest syndrome when combined with the loss of your life partner is definitely a time of radical change. And just like any loss, traditions can’t just easily be replaced by something else.  It takes closure and time to grieve for their loss before you can start a new tradition and that process has to be respected.

When my kids were younger and I was married, holidays were filled with time spent with my children, extended family, passing around a blessing cup for giving thanks, Christmas lights, caroling, great food, lots of love, homemade pizza, decorating the Christmas tree, stocking stuffer shopping followed by lunch with my ex-husband, and many other wonderful memories. I have missed those traditions, but just like I am finding with many parts of my life, I am ready to move on.

So yesterday, it hit me.  I have been trying hard to recreate traditions to replace what has been lost. But just like with a lost pet or loved one, what is lost is gone forever.  I have beautiful memories of that time in my life and by trying to totally eradicate them and replace those memories, I am not honoring all the love that is inherent in them.  So instead of forgetting, I should try to find a way to honor those memories (skiing on holidays seems to work well for me) and then start wholly new traditions like celebrating the Solstice. I like this idea.

So yesterday, the day of the winter solstice in the northern hemisphere, my new roommate and I had a solstice celebration with tasty food, wassail, a fire and lots of candles to welcome the sun and long days back into the northern hemisphere. And we watched Dances with Wolves. I also took time to honor the planet and to give thanks for all that I have.

I am an incredibly fortunate person.  I am thankful for my health, a great job, a loving family, two compassionate and thoughtful children who are in loving long-term relationships, and the most spectacular grandchildren ever.  I have a warm home, plenty to eat, a fantastic roommate, caring and supportive friendships, and opportunities to have amazing adventures in my life. I have the best life ever and from now on, I am going to use the solstice to celebrate and give thanks for that life.

The Solstice seemed like an appropriate time to remember the cycles and rhythms of the planet as well as the cycles and rhythms of my life.  It seems like a great new tradition has been born, a new life cycle has started.  Happy Solstice and welcome winter!

The 8 boxes…

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Yesterday, I unpacked my suitcase for the first time since May.  It was bittersweet, I hadn’t expected the mix of emotions it would bring.  As I unpacked and put my stuff away in a new house, new room, I couldn’t help but remember my last apartment and the last time my clothes hung in a closet. I was a little overwhelmed by all the changes.

I think that not having a home to come back to made my time travelling both physically simple yet emotionally challenging at the same time.  Travelling and knowing you have a familiar and comfortable place to come back to is very different from returning home to the unknown of having to find a place to live.  Add on the fact that I gave up all my stuff, an act which was both freeing and yet again, ridiculously challenging emotionally, and it made coming home and unpacking my clothes this surreal experience.  And yes, I found a great house and a super roommate.  Now I just have to adjust to a totally new life.

For those of you that haven’t read the back story, when I gave up my apartment in May and then started traveling in June, rather than put things in storage for a year, I reduced all of my possessions from the last 50 years of my life to 8 boxes, my checked bag of clothes and a carry on, and some gear stored at a friends house (thanks Jason!).  It was the hardest thing I have ever done. At least, it was the hardest thing I have ever done…until now.

heartYesterday, I opened one of the 8 boxes. I had thought that it would be a fun adventure to see what I had saved.  Instead, it felt more like opening Pandora’s Box.  The box I happened to open had pictures of my kids, a wood bowl that my uncle made, a ceramic heart that my daughter made when she was in elementary school, a box my son brought back from Australia when he was a teenager.  Similar to the experience of hanging my clothes in the closet, it was like a blast of memories rising up out of the cardboard.  I took out the big pieces and set them on a shelf in my room and then closed the box without going through the pictures.  I didn’t open the other boxes yet.

Today, my roommate and I are going to put up a Christmas tree.  I took out the two boxes of ornaments that I had saved.  Everyone that knows me, knows how much I used to love the spirit of Christmas.  Those ornaments represent 50 years of family holiday memories.  I have to admit, I am not sure I can open the boxes.

So what is my problem?  I had this amazing experience over the past 6 months.  I am a different person.  I shed the memories of the past and stepped into my present and hopefully my future.  I am happy and moving on. The problem is, I don’t want to go back to revisit the past at all, I want to avoid thinking about it and just continue on with my happy life. It isn’t that I want to erase it or forget it, it is all part of what made me who I am.  I just want to keep moving forward.  But there is one thing I know for certain, when something feels difficult and I don’t want to do it, that is the very thing that I need to do the most.  The hard things show me what I still need to work on.  Hmm it might be time for some brutal honesty here Robin. I hate it when I have to really reach inside for the hard emotional stuff. Okay here goes…

So I am looking at those boxes and part of me wishes I hadn’t saved anything… and that feels like a betrayal to all the people who gave things to me. For example, in one of those packing crates are the Shaker boxes that my dad made me before he died and I should feel excited to open them up.  But instead, I am torn.  On one hand, I have these possessions that have memories of the people I love attached to them, possessions like Shaker boxes and ceramic hearts from people like my dad or my kids.  On the other hand, I have the memories and the love of the people, I don’t need “stuff” to feel that. In fact, somehow the “stuff” diminishes from that love.  I guess what is confusing me is that, in the last 6 months, I have felt the love of the people in my life in a really powerful way and that couldn’t have happened with possessions detracting and getting in the way.

I guess when all the possessions in my life had been stripped away and all I had was the love of my family and friends, my whole life was just clearer and uncluttered.  The love I experienced over the last half year felt like the pure essence of what we are as human beings.  I want to make sure that I don’t lose that feeling in the trappings of “stuff” again. That is really what I am scared of.  Because material things, even handmade Shaker boxes made with love from my dad, can never replace the time spent with the people I love and who love me.  So even though I have those boxes, they aren’t more valuable than all the memories or the time I spent with my dad when he was alive.  The mementos and things I have from my children aren’t anything compared to the time I have spent with them and the love that we share.

I guess I have come to understand how much of a distraction all the stuff we have really is.  Obtaining and caring for possessions, working to pay for them, using them to substitute for emotions, buying things to fill voids in our lives, all those things distract us from what is really important in life which is loving the people in our lives and spending time with them. That is the greatest lesson I have learned and I never want to forget it again.  That is what I don’t want to go back to.  Ever.

So I guess I am scared that opening those boxes and reattaching to things will distract me from putting my emphasis on people. Today, opening those ornaments, is going to be a challenge, but I have to do it. Avoidance is never a solution.  I just need to breathe, stay present, be aware and I can totally do this.

Going home…

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I am returning home indefinitely.  I am not sure where I am going next or even if I am going anywhere for awhile.  I am ready to be in one place for a time.  I want to work on my fitness, getting in shape for spring cycling and doing some skiing, and I want to work on some research and grant writing.  It is hard to do that from the road.  I have been gone from Seattle and basically homeless since May.  After 6 months, I am ready to have a consistent place to lay my head at night and a routine in my life.  So I am going home to a new place to live and a new attitude for how to live my life.

I have learned so much over the past 6 months. I have learned about people and the world around me, but mostly, I have learned about myself. I have learned where my weak spots are and where my strengths lie. I have learned about the person I want to be and the type of people I want to have in my life.

I return home a very different person than when I left. I am stronger, happier, centered, confident, and ready to take on the next third of my life …or at least, I am ready to take on tomorrow.  During my travels I have felt lonely, depressed, joyful, empowered, scared, loved, accepted, energized, amazed, sad, awed, and just about every emotion there is.  I have overcome every obstacle and pushed myself to do things that I never would have thought I was brave enough to do.  I have looked at some of the most wondrous things on the planet. I have had experiences that are so unique that they almost defy my ability to describe them.  I have experienced a complete sense of wonder about people, the planet, and about myself.

I return home proud of myself and happy with who I am.  In a world where we can be anything we want, the best thing we can choose to be is ourselves.

A few take-aways that I was musing about on my ride from Maine to Boston:

  • Traveling can be stressful and scary.  Traveling by yourself even more so.  Yet at the same time, it seems easier somehow.  I only had myself to deal with, make decisions for, and my happiness was my own responsibility.  I could make decisions on the fly, no consultation with fellow travelers necessary. I made choices and shifted gears at a moments notice.  It made me more spontaneous, carefree, and responsible for how I felt.
  • Traveling by yourself makes you feel vulnerable.  For me, someone who has always liked the opportunity to be in control with everything perfectly planned, this was really very hard.  One of the biggest things I learned is how to live in and accept each present moment and the uncontrollable nature of life.  Because I allowed myself to become vulnerable, the world became more dynamic, less static and life just happened.  What was amazing was that I didn’t fight it, I just rolled and flowed with it.  I was alive in a way that was wonderful and compelling and I want to keep that feeling with me always.  I want to remember it when I mired in research, faculty meetings, and personal drama.
  • People are the same all over the world. Their culture, politics, religion, values, etc might be different, but the basics of humanity are the same.  No matter where you go or who you meet, there is common ground in our humanness if we are willing to set aside all our judgments and just listen to each other with acceptance, tolerance, openness and love.
  • Getting pushed out of my comfort zone was scary, necessary, healthy and will become part of my everyday life.  Facing my fears, one-by-one or sometimes in multiples, is the only way to get beyond them and move forward.  I can’t avoid and pretend they don’t exist or I am mired in my troubles indefinitely.  Fear will never rule my life again. If I give in to fear, it owns me.  I want to be free.

I am sure I will have more in the future…but it is time to board a plane.

Saying thank you

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When I was mired in my life-altering changes of moving 3000 miles away from my support system and getting divorced, I found keeping a “thank-you” journal useful in helping me see the world from a positive perspective rather than succumbing to negative thoughts.  At the end of every day, I would write down 5 things I was thankful for.  It was difficult when I first started but as I kept up the habit, I found that I would be mindful about things throughout the day that I was thankful for so that I had 5 things to write in my journal at night. It helped me to learn to be thankful for the small everyday moments that I sometimes took for granted.

Recently, I had the privilege and pleasure of visiting with my friend Marvin and his lovely wife Naomi in Boston.  Marvin is one of my imaginary internet friends from my cycling forum and a teammate from Team Collin.  bootyI am always thankful for my internet friends and don’t tell them enough what they mean to me.  They are men and women who have encouraged me, listened to me cry (virtually), stuck with me during the dark times, and helped me become the woman I am. Just like with any large group, you become closer to some people than you are to others.  Those I am close to, I trust without question.  Marvin is one of those people.  He has stood by me even when I have tried to push away his friendship, listened with unconditional acceptance, given me fantastic advice, made me laugh, and is one of those rare people of impeccable integrity and honor.  His lovely wife is just as amazing, intelligent, thoughtful and accepting as he is and I felt honored to finally meet her and get to know her.  She is as fabulous as he has described.

Marvin and Naomi let me stay at their home and showed me the depth of their loving hospitality and I hope to return the favor someday when they come to Seattle. We had great conversations and fantastic food.  Although I am a hopeless insomniac, I felt so comfortable at their home, I slept better than I have since I visited Len and Ella (also imaginary internet friends) last summer.  I can’t thank them enough for all that they gave me.

Marvin and my other internet friends remind me of my brothers who are also men of incredible honor and integrity just like our dad was, it was how we were raised.  I am currently staying at the home of my brother Rod and my beautiful sister-in-law Ada.  Again, they have offered me their hospitality, warmth, acceptance and love.  I can’t thank them enough.  My sister-in-law also happens to be the best massage therapist I have ever had.  She has such a depth of knowledge of her craft and can reduce me to feeling like an unraveled mitten in no time.  Total bliss.  Thanks Ada!

Aside from being blessed by their generosity, because I visited them back-to-back, I noticed the similarities in both Marvin & Naomi’s relationship and Rod & Ada’s.  I was thankful to have the opportunity to watch both of these long term couples interact and it has given me insight into my relationships. There are few key elements in their relationships and the way they treat each other that stood out to me. In no particular order, these include respect, laughter, affection, appreciation/value, and trust:

  1. Respect.  Whether it is choosing a movie for date night or supporting the other in going back to get a massage therapy license, each of these two couples respected their partner’s opinion. There was no competition, no belittling, just an acceptance of the other as an equal being worthy of respect and working together as a team.
  2. Laughter. They tease each other, laugh at each other’s foibles, and they know that the teasing from their partner is with love and free of malice.  They have fun together.
  3. Affection.  They hold hands, look into each other’s eyes, stop to hug each other. There is a communication between them that requires no words. Daily intimacy is key in keeping their relationships alive.
  4. Appreciation and value.  They appreciate what the other does and value what they bring to their lives.  Whether it is making dinner, doing laundry, giving a massage, allowing an out-of-town friend or relative to come visit, … whatever. Each partner, without the other present, would talk about how much they appreciate their mate, how being with them makes their lives better, and what a good person he/she is.
  5. Trust.  They trust each other with a tangible, fundamental trust that can’t be described.  It is the backbone of their healthy relationships.

There are more intangibles that I can’t describe, these couples have been together for a long time, but those are the things that really struck me.  And their relationships hold a mirror up for me for all my relationships, not just romantic ones.  The people I keep in my life are people I respect and who show me respect in return. They are people who I can laugh and have fun with.  They are people that give affection and who appreciate and value what I bring to their lives and in whom I value in return and who outwardly show that value and appreciation.  They are people I can trust. Those things are all necessary elements of healthy relationships.

Reflecting on that made me feel pretty good about the relationships I have been cultivating. For a long time, I felt I had to be liked by everyone.  I put everyone’s needs ahead of my own and would keep giving my heart to relationships with people that really weren’t into having a reciprocal relationship with me. That mentality allowed me to be taken advantage of in some pretty extreme ways.  Now, basking in the love of the healthy relationships I have, it is easy to see how much my current relationships enrich my life and how destructive those former relationships were.

So thank you to Marvin & Naomi and Rod & Ada for allowing me to glimpse your lives.  And thank you to all my wonderful friends and family. I appreciate you.  You all add tremendous value to my life.

You just jump…

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I have written about this before but after talking with some wonderful new old friends last night, I figured it was worth another post.  Fear is the great equalizer.

There is a great quote, “the only thing you have to fear is fear itself”.  That is so true, my adventures have helped me to realize that  whatever it is I am scared of in life, the “thing” isn’t the scary part, it is my fear of the thing.  And if I can push myself through whatever I am afraid of then I own it, it doesn’t own me anymore.

So many of my readers of this blog think I am this adventurous, courageous, kick-ass person.  I want to make sure you all realize, I am a chubby, average, plain person. I am scared of the most ridiculous things just like everyone else is.  The one difference is that I have reached a point where I refuse to let the fear of those things rule my life. My friend Tony once described how I face fears. He said, “It is like you are climbing the ladder on the high dive.  You complain and whine the whole way up about how you can’t do it.  Then when you get to the top, with no fanfare, no agonizing… you just jump”.  And that pretty much describes it.  The initial whining and complaining is how I work my way though my fear and then, about the time my friends are ready to strangle me, I say “screw it” and just do it.

My friend Don4 once said “life is a gift, live it”.  You can’t let fear rule your one ride on this planet.  You have to live each day as if it were a gift and honor that gift to its fullest potential. When I was 44 and had just moved to Seattle, newly separated from a marriage that lasted over half my life and struggling to figure out what to do, my brother Rod said something to me that I remind myself of everyday.  He said “Robin, you’ve got 30 more years.  If there is something you want to do, you need to do it now, because when you are 74 you aren’t going to want to be whitewater kayaking or riding a mountain bike.  You can either be like our mother who is constantly complaining about all she didn’t get to do and wishes she had or you can be talking about all the adventures that you did do”.  Those words have stuck with me.  Now at 50, I have 25 more years to get it done.  I don’t have time to waste on fear holding me back.

IMG_3661Last night, I did something that was really scary.  I went to a party with some people I hadn’t seen in 34 years since I left the small town I grew up in.  Let me tell you, high school isn’t for everyone and it definitely wasn’t for me. I think, out of a graduating class of about 120, my class rank was in the 80’s.  I didn’t put a whole lot of effort into being anything but a screw up.  So there wasn’t really any reason that these people should accept me at all. And I was terrified.  If I had allowed that fear to control what I did, then I wouldn’t be in Maine right now looking out at the beautiful sunrise over the river and I wouldn’t have had a chance to see my family.  But even more tragically, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to reconnect with some absolutely amazing people that I got to talk to last night. I would have missed lots of laughter, funny glasses, and amazing stories. My only regret was not having time to have really deep conversations with all of them.

IMG_3659The people I got to spend the most time with were simply amazing.  They are people of passion, they love their jobs, their families, and their communities.  They have so much heart and compassion for the people and the world around them.  They work hard and they play hard.  They live their lives in ways that suck the marrow right out of the bones of life, no holes barred, open, authentic and absolutely wonderful.  I couldn’t help but just be honored to be able to talk to them all. Thanks Kirk for the invite, it was a privilege to be able to see you all once again.

The lesson here for anyone that needs it… just jump.  Do whatever you need to get up the ladder of the “fear” high dive:  whine, cry, get angry, whatever you have to do.  But once you reach the top… just jump.  Don’t let fear ruin your opportunity to live your life on your own terms. What is the worst that could happen?  Last night, if I hadn’t liked the party or if someone had said something untoward, I would have just left.  Simple as that.  But if you don’t try, you will never find those people who are meant to be in your life or who are meant to influence your life.

We have to put ourselves out into the world authentically as who we are. Those who want to be part of our lives will gravitate towards us, interested in us. Those who don’t just aren’t interested and that is okay.  Not everyone is going to be interested, just like not everyone is interested in football or knitting.  We all have different preferences.  Why would we want people in our lives that really aren’t interested in the authentic people that we are?  Why would we want people in our lives that we always have to be someone we aren’t just to get them to stay?  Why would we want to waste so much of our precious gift of life and time on this earth in that kind of unhealthy relationship?  Yet we do it all the time.  I am guilty of it also.  I have wasted years on one-sided, unhealthy friendships.

IMG_3667Just put yourself out there.  Go to a restaurant, bring a book, or just sit at the bar and people watch and talk to the bartender.  Go to a park and sit with the sunshine on your face enjoying nature around you.  Take a class, learn someone new, maybe something you are even a little scared to try.  Talk to your classmates, listen to them.  Find the ones you gravitate toward and establish friendships. If they don’t reciprocate, they just weren’t the right person, let it go and move on to the next.

Last night I asked several people my two questions that I like to ask people when I meet them:  1) What do you want me to know about who you are?  and 2) what don’t you want me to know?  The people that can answer both those questions from their heart, risking the vulnerability for me to see inside their passions and their darkest fears, those are the people I gravitate toward.  And last night, they answered my questions with amazing honesty and forthrightness.  And I was honored and blessed to hear their stories. Thanks everyone!

Adventure of the day…

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Sorry for being so absent about writing this blog.  I have been distracted by having adventures with a beautiful set of two-and-a half-year-old twins.

I have mentioned that for a long time I was stuck in longing for my old life back.  Even though I kept plodding along seemingly moving forward with my life, my heart was still wrapped in memories of the past. To those looking from the outside, it might seem like that time of longing was wasted, but it wasn’t.  Everything is a process. For me, letting go of my life took a period of grieving and mourning.  It took me a while to go through that process but it was absolutely necessary to be able to actually move on.  Even when I was mired in that process and it seemed like I was stuck, I have come to realize that I didn’t keep standing still and I am proud of that. I made some mistakes, had some successes, and even though my heart was caught up in another time, I kept moving forward regardless. Or maybe, it was just that my friends kept shoving me forward but either way the result has been the same.  Here I am.

P1080687Today, I am packing to leave my son’s house after a lovely visit with my son and his beautiful wife and the two most amazing grandchildren in the whole world (I might have mentioned that before). Although I am sad to be leaving, this time it isn’t the soul-sucking sadness that it has been in the past where I was pining for my life back. This time, it is different. I know that I will wrap these memories up from this visit and all the love they contain and I will keep them close to my heart while I am living the life I am in right now at this moment, confident that I always have the love of my family. And I know that someday soon, Patrick, Heather, Brooklyn, and Charlotte are going to come to visit me in Seattle and we will make a whole host of new memories.

So I am heading to Boston to visit some friends and play tourist in a city that I have loved since I was a teenager in New England.  Then I am heading to Maine to see my family and to do something that I never ever thought I would do.  I am going to go to a party where I will see all my friends from high school that I haven’t seen in 33 years. I have had a few pangs of trepidation, wondering what to heck I am doing that for, but then I realize it is a great story collecting opportunity. And that is what life is, a collection of stories.

You see, high school isn’t for everyone and it certainly wasn’t a great time for me. Having been the victim of an early sexual assault as a pre-teen, I turned to drugs and alcohol at a very young age because I didn’t know how to handle the emotions of what had happened to me.  My parents went through a difficult divorce, my dad remarried, and I just spiraled out of control. So my memories of high school and my friends memories of me aren’t the greatest. I wasn’t a very nice person.  But here is the thing…I am not that girl anymore.

So I get to go back and meet these people again.  I am a new person and so are they.  We get to laugh and enjoy each other’s company.  I will get to hear their stories of how their lives have evolved; stories of love and loss, joy and heartbreak. I want to listen and understand who they are as people. I want to know what touches their soul.  It is an opportunity to make new friends all over again.  So even with my moments of trepidation, I find that I am really looking forward to the opportunity.  I want to see them with new eyes and an open heart and hopefully, they will be able to look at me the same way.

Then, after spending some time with my extraordinary brothers and their families, I am heading back to Seattle to see my beautiful daughter and her amazing partner Ethan and their new puppy.  I am going to visit with my friends and do some skiing and spend Christmas at Tony and Ken’s beautiful home.  I get to ride my bike and talk math education with Keri. I have to say, I am looking forward to being back in Seattle.

Everything is different.  It is like my life is brand new. Every day is an adventure.