Try the mustard on the chips…

Posted on June 28, 2013 by rangotti

One day when my friends and I were skiing, we stopped for lunch. One of my friends had a sandwich that came with mustard, just the plain ordinary yellow kind. He also got potato chips with it. After the sandwich was gone, the side of mustard was sitting there and he started dipping the chips in the mustard. He commented on how good it was and I said “ewwww” because I expected it to be yukky. He kept saying “try it”. I finally relented and had to admit, it was pretty good.

Expectations are where we get in trouble. We set ourselves up for suffering by having expectations for what the future holds, for what our lives will be like “when…”, for what people will do, and for what we ourselves should do. When those expectations don’t come to fruition, we suffer. And the reality is, lots of time life doesn’t work out the way we think it is going to.

Expectations color much what we do and cause us to get stuck. We don’t want to try new things because of an expectation that we won’t like them or they will be scary or that we will look silly or we can’t afford it. We get mired in keeping the status quo even if it isn’t working for us because of an unwillingness to let go of our expectations of what we think our lives “should” be. And we suffer.

When I was mired in the emotional turmoil of divorce, loneliness, debt, stress, etc., one of the key reasons for my distress was being unwilling to let go of all my expectations for my life. That was when I met these people on a bike forum. At first I was a little sketched out that I was talking and sharing so much of myself with these people I had never met in person. After reading their posts, “listening” to their ideas, realizing how intelligent and thoughtful they were, I couldn’t help but trust them. So I reached out and asked a few of them if I could meet them in person. And they were even more spectacular in person than they were online.

Each time I would meet someone, I would post what I thought and felt when meeting them. I told them all how much they exceeded my expectations of what I thought they would be like. It became the running joke that the next one I met would be the one to disappoint me. To this day I continue to keep telling them that it isn’t going to happen. What they don’t know is in reality, they already have shattered all my expectations.

Today, I am riding in a 24 hour bike ride for charity and I am riding with a large group of these remarkable people. I am nervous. What they haven’t realized is that what I am terrified of isn’t that they aren’t going to meet my expectations. What I am scared of is that I won’t live up to theirs. And I don’t want to disappoint these people who mean so much to me. I guess that is the legacy of my perfectionism. I don’t want to show them that I am not who they think I am.

What I keep telling myself and trying to remember is whether I meet their expectations or not, there is still some learning for each of us by having the opportunity to interact.

Because sometimes, you just have to try the mustard on the chips.

You need a bigger sample size…

Posted on June 25, 2013 by rangotti

I have a minor in statistics so I understand the value of a large sample size to filter out anomalies in data. With data on finances or school statistics, that is easy to see. But it is harder to realize that that same thing applies to people and experiences.

This building a new identity in my 40’s is tough stuff. Identity formation is the development of our personality. A lot of people believe that it is finite, that it develops during your teens and then stays fixed. I don’t believe that. I believe it is always evolving and is effected by lots of factors like our biology, culture, people who love us, people who have harmed us and which we have caused harm to, our actions (both good and bad), experiences we have had, and choices made all of which form who we are at this moment (source: Palmer, P.J., The heart of a teacher: Identity and integrity in teaching). It is a continual process which happens throughout our lives. Our identity is what defines the characteristics which other people recognize in us and establishes our reputation. It both gives us a sense of uniqueness from others yet also defines groups we identify with.

When I was married, my identity was as a wife, mother, teacher, learner, sister, daughter…the interesting thing is that all those things define a life of being lived for others. There was no point where others ended and I began, I put everyone else before myself always. My whole life was solely defined by doing things for others. One of the things I have come to realize since my divorce is that my ex didn’t really love me, he loved the idea of me. He loved the things I could offer his life, but he didn’t really even know who I am. But that might be my fault, I didn’t really have a “me” at that time. When my marriage ended, with my children grown, one of the hardest questions I have faced is How do I want myself to be defined? Who do I want to be now?

One of the things I have been privileged to do since my divorce is to participate in great activities with lots of amazing and diverse people. Adventure defines a major part of who I am today. I was struck by that on my travels when I met a bunch of adventurous people in their 20’s and 30’s at a wedding I went to. In one of those surreal moments of my life, after telling them about my travels this summer and my upcoming sabbatical in Africa, one of these beautiful, adventurous, dynamic people said “I want to be like you”. I had to laugh because I was thinking I wanted to be as unrestrained and adventurous as she was. Her comment gave me food for thought and a change in perspective of how I view myself.

I love it when that happens, a perspective shift. That is one of the benefits of meeting new people and having new adventures. It gives me a chance to see how other people view me and my behavior. It gives me a glimpse to see their perceptions of the identity I have created. It provides opportunities to see what is working or not. So with both activities and people, sometimes what I need is a bigger sample size… I think that is the benefit of traveling and meeting new people. I see things from different perspectives, I learn new ideas and ways of thinking, I push the boundaries of my beliefs about self and others. I open my mind to new opportunities.

Kelsey and Chris make a beautiful couple

I have been privileged in the past few weeks to meet many really exceptional people. From the two guys I picked up hitchhiking in Yosemite after they had been backpacking for a week, reconnecting with people from my former life, meeting the wonderful wedding guests of my friends Chris and Kelsey, and interacting with the amazing people I am getting ready to meet at 24 Hours of Booty in Indianapolis this week, I have been blessed with opportunities for growth and enrichment. All of them have impacted my life and helped me understand even more emphatically that I am on the right path for my life.

If you are finding yourself stuck and know you want to make changes in your life, there is only one way to do that, you have to increase your sample size. You have to do things differently, new experiences, new people. It really is the path to self-exploration and growth.

Thanks to all for the gift of the time you have spent with me in the last few weeks. Your time is really the most valuable thing you have to give. And thanks for helping me increase my sample size.

Collin

Posted on June 20, 2013 by rangotti

Today I lacked motivation on all fronts. I stayed at a hotel last night and visited with a friend and watched her race a short track mountain bike race. The race was fabulous…you rock Beth! But the hotel about did me in. I slept for 9 hours straight. Those people who know me know that I rarely sleep more than 5-6 hour at a stretch. This morning I got up and the hotel had a breakfast buffet so I didn’t even have to scrounge for breakfast. And they had hot water that didn’t need to be boiled over a fire, free WiFi, and flush toilets. I was living in decadence.

I had decided to forgo my morning ride and just hang out and chill, yet it was also time for a blog post. I was struggling to find something to blog about and my friend Kurt suggested that if I get out and ride, I would find my motivation as well as my post. Way to light a fire under my ass there Kurt! I did find it a bit ironic that, after 2 weeks of camping out with hiking and cycling and only sporadic access to showers that Kurt suggested I ride to Hygiene CO, but I have to admit, riding this morning gave me motivation for this blog post.

I got my bike kit out of the car and then dragged my feet upstairs to change. I pulled my Team Collin kit out from my bag. Whenever I put on that kit, I feel motivated to ride. In case you haven’t read the right sidebar of this blog, I am a member of Team Collin. To give you the backstory:

Team Collin

Team Collin started as a group of cycling enthusiasts from around the country who ‘met’ through an online cycling forum called “the Lounge”; on occasion a few forum members would meet to ride together and socialize. The seeds of Team Collin were planted in 2008 when Collin, the 7-month old son of one of our forum members, was diagnosed with an aggressive type of leukemia. Collin’s family would keep the forum updated as his difficult treatment progressed while ‘Loungers’ offered prayers and support of various kinds. Every little improvement in Collin’s condition was celebrated by hundreds of people all over country as his courageous battle became a focal point for so many who were themselves cancer patients/survivors, or who had lost loved ones to cancer.

In the spring of 2010, just after his 2nd birthday, Collin lost his battle and passed on in the arms of his loving family. The members of the Lounge collectively mourned his loss, and his death became an event that acted as the catalyst to finalize the formation of Team Collin. As the team’s namesake, his memory and his courage are celebrated when Team Collin gathers every year to support fund-raising to support cancer research, treatment and education.

I will ride with them next week in Indianapolis.

So I put my kit on this morning, and it felt like cloaking myself in armor and going off to war. Not a war to end life, but a war against cancer. It is a very simple thing for me to use my health and fitness to help others. I ride with a list of names in my jersey of people who I know whose lives have been affected by cancer. Many of them can’t ride anymore, so I ride for them.

But for me, that kit represents more than that. I am not sure I can articulate this, but Collin’s life has touched mine. I didn’t know him, I wasn’t even a member of the forum when he was sick, and I have never met his parents. But I have heard the story and because I am committed to using my health to battle illness, I did something crazy and unpredictable. I, an inexperienced cyclist who had never met any of these people in real life, asked to be part of Team Collin. I actually didn’t think they would say yes, but they did. They taught me about bikes and cycling. They taught me about relationships, compassion, and life. They helped me find my voice as a strong, confident, independent woman. They have helped me change my life.

Then one day, I got my team kit. The first time I rode with it on, I realized the riding was different. I was more confident and I pushed myself harder I would fearlessly try things that had scared me in the past. It was like the kit gave me superhero powers. I didn’t question it, I just wore it hoping to generate interest and support for Team Collin.

Today, as I got dressed, I really let myself think about how differently I felt and rode when I put the kit on. My lack of motivation for riding disappeared. I donned the rest of my gear and hit the road, in a strange place that I have never ridden before, unafraid. I am always more careful to ride with good etiquette when I am wearing the kit because I want to always be promoting the sport of cycling in a way that would honor Collin. I always push myself harder because I want any who sees me in that kit to see me giving my best, in honor of Collin. I think of my teammates, who give of their time to ride this event every year, who come from all over the country at great personal expense, and I want to ride well for them, in honor of Collin.

As I was riding and realizing all that this morning, a thought hit me: Why do I wait to put on the kit to face my life unafraid? Why can’t I use the lesson that Collin has taught me over the last year as a member of Team Collin and participant of the Lounge, to live fully every day of my life? And I realized that I am doing just that. This little boy who didn’t have a chance to grow up and learn how to ride inspires me to ride every day. His memory gives me courage to be the woman I want to be and to live my best life. When I am faced with new experiences or strange situations where I am out of my comfort zone, I ask myself, what would Collin tell me to do? I think he would say to go for it, live life every day fully in each moment, it might be the only moment you have.

Thank you for giving me courage Collin, I know your spirit rides with me every day.

Walking with the Raven

Posted on June 17, 2013 by rangotti

I flunked therapy…not the class, the actual experience of psychotherapy. Yes, that is right, I am too crazy for the mental health community to “help”. Today, I am going to give you a clear glimpse into my “crazy”.

I traveled from Seattle, stopping in Oregon then Nevada and down to California to visit Yosemite. I spent a couple of days of camping and cycling. Then I drove through Utah, spending some time at Great Basin National Park, before heading to Moab and doing some desert hiking and then to Colorado. I cycled in all of those states and I am getting more comfortable riding in new places by myself.

Cycling near Moab. Colorado River

I am starting to look forward to heading to Europe and even considering taking my bike when I head off to Africa to work.

Home sweet home

I also am getting more comfortable camping by myself in unfamiliar places and, in general, with the whole experience of living a very minimalist life. I am becoming pretty good at setting up and taking down my tent, I have had my first bear experience, my first injury by myself when I cut my foot pretty badly, and have been challenged by laundry, disorganization, and lack of electricity. My grooming has suffered and I am looking like the dirty filthy hippie I think I am. I seriously could use a spa day and some waxing. But that isn’t why I am crazy. Now I just look as crazy on the outside as I am on the inside.

What makes me crazy is how I see the world around me around me. In the last two weeks as I have traveled through six states and three national parks, I have seen some of the most amazing sights my eyes could have ever looked upon. Truly, I live in a wondrous land.

Ships made of stone

I have seen ships made of stone sailing on a sea of sagebrush. I have seen stone sentinels, guardians of the ancient places where men long dead once walked. I look in awe at stone monuments which allow me to understand how fleeting my time is upon this earth. I feel the magic in these ancient places.

Sentinels

I have seen the bones of creatures long dead and pots made by women who gave birth and raised children in caves that could only be reached by rope ladders hanging hundreds of feet above the ground. Can you imagine raising a two year old in a cave 200 feet above the ground, with no baby gates, and the only way out is up a treacherous rope ladder to the top of a mesa? The only thought to why they would do that would have been protection, safety. I allow myself to imagine the fear that it must have taken to drive these people to live in such a dangerous place. These are a people who have long been gone from this earth, leaving no history except for broken clay pottery and crumbling ruins of caves. We use their artifacts to recreate what we believe their lives were like. Will someone do that with our plasticware and ruins of skyscrapers?

I am crazy because I look around the world and I see the textures of the land. I see the contrasts in colors. I see beauty everywhere. I believe you can find beautiful things even in the most “ugly” of places or people. I see a land of valleys so vast they seem to be endless…the mountains that bound them so distant as to seem a mirage. The mountains that ring those valleys are so high they are like great stone ramparts cast before the distant sky. When you climb them, the decrease in oxygen is noticeable, your head hurts and your actions, even simple steps, take more effort.

There are barren valleys filled with salt, a world so harsh and desolate that it is amazing that anything can survive.

Yet everywhere you look, there are living organisms, creatures that eek out life in the harshest of conditions. There is cactus, sagebrush, tumbleweeds, lizards, snakes, birds of all kinds. And there are ravens.

When I was a younger, I had a rough time and was pretty messed up for a while. I had several Native American friends. One of them said to me at one time that I would never find my true spirit until I walked with the Raven. Whether that was said in a drug induced marijuana haze or if he really had a vision for my life, I don’t know. I only know that I have long had an affinity for corvids and on this trip, everywhere I have gone, every time I have had a powerful physical or emotional experience, it had been punctuated by the presence of a raven. Crazy huh? That is a hard thing to admit. Here I am trying to do some pre-sabbatical solo cross country cycling/camping trip as a warm up for heading off into Europe and Africa. I really am out of my mind.

I believe there is more to life than what we can see and hear and touch. Isn’t that what faith is? Believing in the unseen? Trust is another one of those things that isn’t tangible, yet we do it anyway. So every time I see a raven, I think of the prophecy. Who am I to say that it is too fanciful to be real? I am beginning to believe this trip is really what my friend was talking about.

At this time in my life, I am dependent on no one. This time, I walk freely with the metaphorical Raven, learning, growing, feeling, allowing myself to just BE. I am struggling to define my new place in the world as a single woman, an academic, a writer, a grandmother, a cyclist, and a traveler. Crazy.

And sometimes we struggle…

Posted on June 14, 2013 by rangotti

It has been two weeks now since I gave up my apartment and a week since I left Seattle. I have to admit, my training is suffering. It is hard to plan for cycling and hiking when I also have to figure out where to stay, how to get a shower after training without paying the price for a hotel, how to protect my gear in the car when I am on the bike and protect the bike when I am hiking, and where I will get my next meal from. In the last two weeks, I have slept on couches and in spare rooms and lived off the generosity of my friends. Other nights I have camped or stayed in hotels when I needed a shower and a real bed. I have eaten at restaurants way too much for my budget. Preparing healthy food is challenge without a refrigerator.

The thing about going camping or on holiday is that we have someplace to return to. We pack all the supplies we need based on that fact. If there are leftovers, we can just put them away in the fridge when we get home. We know that when we are tired of the fun of camping that we can go home, put the gear away, soak in the tub, make a healthy dinner, and just lay around on the couch writing a blog post. I am feeling the lack of that right now. I know it will get easier, but yesterday I was struggling so I got a hotel room thinking that would help and when I woke up this morning I realized it didn’t. I just need to fight through it, maybe have a good cry, and then get on my bike and ride, whether there is a shower following it or not. Yet here I am watching the sunrise over Moab realizing I should get my bike gear on and all I can think of is that my hair smells so good for the first time in 3 days, I just don’t want to get sweaty.

There are so many things we take for granted in life. Well, maybe you don’t take them for granted, but I certainly did. Things like hot showers, refrigeration, WiFi, friends, and relative safety. Right now, I want about 3 days of it. Someplace that I can just make dinner, get caught up on work, not feel like a burden to others, a place where I can get up and ride and go hiking and come back and shower. A place where I can feel safe for a few days.

But that isn’t where my life is right now and only I can struggle through it. I chose the path I am walking and I do not regret it. I have seen the most amazing things, met fantastic people, and know I am already becoming a different person. Somehow, I have to figure out how to live on the road, yet eat healthy and get my training time in every day and get some work done in the process. There has to be a way…I just need to find it.

It is funny, I started this blog because people asked me to, blogging is not the technical academic writing that is my comfort zone. But the blog itself has become magic. I start out writing that I am struggling, thinking that this will be a depressing post, and by the end of the post, I realize that I am ready to face the challenge. Whether anyone reads this or not, it has benefited me to write it.

So here is what I am going to do…as soon as the sun it up, I am going to get on the bike and ride a short route down by the river that will put me back at the hotel in time to shower. And then I am going to reorganize the car. After two weeks, I think I am realizing what I need and what I don’t. I think that will help. Then to the grocery store for some healthy food and off to see some incredible national parks for some camping and hiking. I might get to Colorado by Sunday.

As long as you stay on this side of the ground… ~JAB

Posted on June 11, 2013 by rangotti

When you go to visit someone and they tell you that they are cursed, that something happens to everyone that visits them, make sure you have your insurance card…just sayin’..because inevitably it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I came to visit my friends Sean and Debra on my first stop on the part of my sabbatical trip in the U.S. this summer. I have known Sean for awhile as part of a internet cycling forum I belong to called the Lounge. I had never met him or his wife in person. On the forum Sean has been incredibly supportive of my quest to become learn the intricacies of road cycling. In person he and his lovely wife were even more supportive. We had a great ride with about 2000 ft of climbing in 90 degree temperatures up to an altitude of over 7000 ft. As a low-lander from the Pacific Northwest where it is relatively cool most of the time, I had to stop a few times for water and to stand in the shade and reduce my core body temperature.

When they showed me where we were going and I looked up the hill, I didn’t think I could do, I really didn’t. I could see failure looming on the horizon. Sean never gave me the opportunity to quit. I remember him telling me that I could totally do this. As the breath sawed in and out of my lungs the whole way up twisty switchbacks, sweat pouring down my face, legs just turning the crankset, I kept thinking about how I needed to make sure that I gave it my best effort for Sean and Debra who had taken the time to ride with me as well as my other Lounge friends who have encouraged my riding. I kept repeating wabi-sabi, my climbing mantra, over and over as I thought about Cooper, Mike, Eric, Stacy, Bill, Greg, Len, Terry, Jeff, Kurt, John, Janet, Jonathan, Marvin, Steve, Jason, Stephen and all the others who have given me countless hours of advice and encouragement and I realized, whether I made it to the top or not, as long as I gave it my best effort and stayed on this side of the ground, they would still be proud of me. And then…there it was…the summit. Thanks Sean and Debra…and all my other internet friends. Great ride. Then I realized…OMG I have to DESCEND back down that? Sean can’t you just go get the car and pick me up? Descending is way scarier than climbing.

Again, Sean totally normalized my apprehension and there we were, descending down switchbacks, cars whizzing by, sheer drops down thousands of feet if you were careless and fell, and some of the most beautiful scenery my eyes have ever seen. . I laughed the whole way down. It was like flying, totally free, unrestrained, AMAZING. The ground leveled out and we were down. It was the greatest ride ever. We went back to Sean and Debra’s and had an incredible steak dinner and sat on the patio just enjoying a beautiful high desert evening.

And then the curse struck. With the dry air and the wind from the ride, one of my contacts got stuck up under my eyelid, folded in half. I thought it had fallen out and that my eye was irritated from poking around my eyeball trying to find it. We left to go hiking the next day and there, in the middle of nowhere, it felt like a white hot poker was being driven into my eyeball…I had scratched my cornea. Sean and Debra again were totally supportive, we found a Ophthalmologist who was able to remove the contact. Our day of hiking was ruined, but on the good side, I didn’t go blind.

It was unrealistic to think that in a year of traveling that nothing bad was going to happen. So I have had my first blip. It happened when I had supportive friends around and was in a place where medical attention was reasonable easy to find. It was a good trial to have to go through to realize I can handle whatever problems arise. I was reminded of something John once said to me, “as long as you stay on this side of the ground, it will be okay”.

No matter what challenges we may face, what climbs we may have ahead of us, there is nothing that can’t be overcome if we have hope, move forward, and just keep turning the crankset. Never give up as long as you are on this side of the ground.

Travelers in our own backyard

Posted on June 8, 2013 by rangotti

Leaving Seattle

So I am finally on the road. I still have some work to do for school, but it can be done from afar and I will back in the NW later this summer before I leave for Africa. But for now, moose, the Lounge flag, and I am on the road.

I have never had a lot of money and rarely have taken a true vacation to travel except for work or to visit family. I could bemoan that fact and be envious of my friends that travel a lot, but I am not. What it has taught me is a lesson far richer…to be a traveler in my own backyard.

When I lived in a small town in the south, I took my kids to places that were free or had little cost but that had lots of educational value. Our local parks, museums, library and historical attractions became treasured outings. My son takes my granddaughters to those same places today. When I moved to the northwest, I tried to do the same thing, to find lots of low or no cost things to do that were fun and quirky and that many people don’t take time to find out about. I know most of the Puget Sound’s hidden treasures by practicing being a tourist in my own town.

Mt. Hood

I have been accused of looking at the world with a sense of awe and childlike wonder. I will take that accusation and own it. That is the way I believe life should be lived.

Mt. Hood

One of the thing that amazes me about the US is how many natural resources we have, national treasures of scenic byways that so many people pass up to take the quick freeway bypass. Sometimes I think we just need to slow down and enjoy the beauty all around us. What is our hurry? We go to visit family and we take the freeway and hurry to get there and then complain about the family we came to visit only to get back on the freeway and hurry to jobs that we hate and lives that are unsatisfying. Slow down, stop and look around you at the beauty of the world. We have a short time on this planet. Soak up all the beauty that it can give us, and that beauty doesn’t have to be found in exotic locations, it can be found right in your own backyard.

View from OSU Cascades branch, Bend OR

View from OSU Cascades branch, Bend OR

Oregon countryside

Lots of volcanoes

And ride your bike!

More volcanoes

Wabi-Sabi

Posted on June 6, 2013 by rangotti

Wabi-sabi is a Japanese term that represents acceptance of transience and imperfection. Beauty is imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete. The wabi-sabi aesthetic is asymmetric, austere, simplistic, modest, rough and non-regular. It promotes intimacy and appreciation of the integrity of natural objects and processes. (Source wikipedia).

When my dad had his first stroke, as part of his rehab he learned how to make oval shaker boxes that nested within each other. He gave sets to all of his daughters. The weekend that I was visiting him, he didn’t have any perfect ones left, he only had the imperfect set that he made when he was learning. He wanted to make me a “perfect” set, but to me, those were perfect. In their imperfection I saw his tenacity to fight through the health problems, to learn a new skill, to practice getting it right. I saw a craftsman who loved to build things with his hands. I saw the father I loved in that imperfection. Wabi-sabi. I would post a picture but they are packed in the boxes in my office.

My friends Tony and Ken demonstrate the wabi-sabi aesthetic in all the things they surround themselves with. Their home is so tastefully decorated and comfortable, you can’t help but feel refreshed and loved when you walk through the door. It has been a haven for me for the last 6 years. A great example of their sense of taste is in their dishes, none of which match, all which are imperfect yet, to me, they are absolutely stunning.

In many ways their love for me has also shown that aesthetic and that is true for all of my friends. My friends saw this broken, damaged woman and recognized the internal beauty in me, my spirit, and my story. Their love for me has helped that spirit come out. They didn’t love me because I am stunningly gorgeous, witty, sophisticated, charming, or cultured because I am none of those things. I am too serious, I swear like a sailor, I could seriously use a shot of botox for my squint lines, I am blunt and outspoken, and I wouldn’t know culture if it slapped me upside my head. But with all the flaws, they see the beauty of my compassion, my love for the physical world around me and the people in it, my vulnerability, my shame, my fears, and they still think I am beautiful. It is their love and belief in me safely tucked in my soul that gives me the courage to embark on this journey.

One of my cycling flaws is that I suck at hills. When I was riding with Steve Cooper (an amazing cyclist), he told me to find a phrase that could match my breathing and my cadence, a mantra that I could chant while climbing. My friend Jonathan told me about the wabi-sabi. So now, even though it isn’t perfect, my climbing like the rest of cycling and my whole life, is wabi-sabi. Filled with the joy of the impermanent, the imperfect, the incomplete…undefined. When you pass me on a climb, you will hear me sucking air into my lungs and feel the energy of my legs pushing the pedals to turn the crank arms on the bike to the rhythm of wabi-sabi. And that is true of all parts of my life. The good part of life is the imperfections, those things that make us unique.

Today, take the time to see the beauty in someone you love. Not the idea of beauty our western society imposes on us, but take a look for the imperfections, because they are truly what makes people beautiful.

For these things, we are thankful…

Posted on June 5, 2013 by rangotti

Tomorrow morning will mark exactly a week since I packed my remaining possessions in my car and turned over the keys to my apartment. In that week, I have realized that I kept too much stuff. I drive a small SUV and had to put the seats down flat to fit everything in the back. Yesterday, I cut that amount in half. I think tomorrow, I might cut it in half again.

It is amazing how little we really need. But what was more shocking for me to realize was that all those things I held onto because “I might need them someday” were not only cluttering up my life, they were affecting my ability to let go of the past and move on. Even more profoundly revealing was the idea that many of those items could be used by someone who actually DOES need them right now, not just some hypothetical day in the future. And that person will have to go buy that same item. So now, I have an item that I am not using and there is another identical item that had to be produced, an item that used up more of the planet’s resources and another person’s financial resources to purchase it. All the while, the item sat in my home, unused, unneeded and taking up space. If we really want to save the planet and help our fellow man, we have to start by not hoarding stuff.

I also realized how easy it is, with all that stuff, to forget to give thanks for the important things. And I am not talking about people, they obviously are the most important parts of our lives, I am talking about being thankful for “things”. To figure out what is important, you have strip everything away and then add it back it to see the value it added to your life. For example, go two days without brushing your teeth and you will absolutely appreciate the value of your toothbrush.

When we allow our lives to be taken down to the bare essentials we find out what those essentials are. Today, I am thankful for being able to brush my teeth with clean water from a faucet, for freshly laundered underwear, and for electricity. I have a feeling that before my sabbatical is over, I will find that those things are luxuries.

The well of strength…

Posted on June 3, 2013 by rangotti

I really appreciate hearing from people who are reading this blog. I want to set the record straight and admit that I don’t actually have any answers to the mysteries of life. The only thing I know is the path that I personally have walked to get here to this moment.

I struggle as much as anyone. I struggle with insecurities, feelings of sadness and despair, of self-doubt and recriminations, and pretty much everything that a human being can struggle with. One of the lessons I have learned in the past few years is that as human beings, we have a whole range of emotions. The idea that we always need to be “happy” is not viable. In order to even understand what happy is you have to have felt sad at one time. To understand joy, you need to understand despair. They are all valid human emotions and in order to be centered, we have to understand and allow all of them to be part of us. We have to embrace the sad as well as the happy. It all just IS.

One thing that helps me through the dark times is a mantra, “the pain I go through today becomes the well of strength I will draw upon tomorrow.” Adversity is a great catalyst for growth and you have to embrace the hard times as exercise for your emotions just like you would embrace a physical exercise program for the health of your body. It isn’t easy, but it will ultimately make you stronger. Avoiding your problems weakens you. Avoiding problems in relationships weakens the relationship. You have to face problems, as well as life, head on.

This weekend, I came over to eastern Washington to return some items to friends who I probably won’t see again until next year and to spend time at their cabin. I brought a few friends over with me to do some hiking. In the evenings, I sat and listened to the intellectual discussion of my extremely intelligent friends swirl around me. I laughed with them at the humorous anecdotes they shared. I listened to their stories of heartbreak and their hopes for the future. I felt the joy of their love for each other and for me. At the same time, I knew that those moments weren’t going to happen again for a long time with this group of people, if they ever happen again.

As I prepare to embark on this journey, saying goodbye even temporarily is by far the hardest thing I have had to do. Leaving people you love is difficult for all of us. We long for them and grieve that we can’t be with them. Those emotions of longing and sadness are the price we pay for loving people. I would rather sit with my sadness and longing and feel it deep in my soul than give up one moment of the joy of being loved by my friends.

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Monthly Archives: June 2013