I have a minor in statistics so I understand the value of a large sample size to filter out anomalies in data.  With data on finances or school statistics, that is easy to see.  But it is harder to realize that that same thing applies to people and experiences.

This building a new identity in my 40’s is tough stuff.  Identity formation is the development of our personality.  A lot of people believe that it is finite, that it develops during your teens and then stays fixed. I don’t believe that.  I believe it is always evolving and is effected by lots of factors like our biology, culture, people who love us, people who have harmed us and which we have caused harm to, our actions (both good and bad), experiences we have had, and choices made all of which form who we are at this moment (source: Palmer, P.J., The heart of a teacher: Identity and integrity in teaching).  It is a continual process which happens throughout our lives.  Our identity is what defines the characteristics which other people recognize in us and establishes our reputation. It both gives us a sense of uniqueness from others yet also defines groups we identify with.

When I was married, my identity was as a wife, mother, teacher, learner, sister, daughter…the interesting thing is that all those things define a life of being lived for others.  There was no point where others ended and I began, I put everyone else before myself always.  My whole life was solely defined by doing things for others.  One of the things I have come to realize since my divorce is that my ex didn’t really love me, he loved the idea of me. He loved the things I could offer his life, but he didn’t really even know who I am.  But that might be my fault, I didn’t really have a “me” at that time.  When my marriage ended, with my children grown, one of the hardest questions I have faced is How do I want myself to be defined? Who do I want to be now?

One of the things I have been privileged to do since my divorce is to participate in great activities with lots of amazing and diverse people. Adventure defines a major part of who I am today. I was struck by that on my travels when I met a bunch of adventurous people in their 20’s and 30’s at a wedding I went to. In one of those surreal moments of my life, after telling them about my travels this summer and my upcoming sabbatical in Africa, one of these beautiful, adventurous, dynamic people said “I want to be like you”.  I had to laugh because I was thinking I wanted to be as unrestrained and adventurous as she was.  Her comment gave me food for thought and a change in perspective of how I view myself.

I love it when that happens, a perspective shift.  That is one of the benefits of meeting new people and having new adventures.  It gives me a chance to see how other people view me and my behavior. It gives me a glimpse to see their perceptions of the identity I have created. It provides opportunities to see what is working or not.  So with both activities and people, sometimes what I need is a bigger sample size… I think that is the benefit of traveling and meeting new people.  I see things from different perspectives, I learn new ideas and ways of thinking, I push the boundaries of my beliefs about self and others.  I open my mind to new opportunities.

Kelsey and Chris make a beautiful couple

I have been privileged in the past few weeks to meet many really exceptional people.  From the two guys I picked up hitchhiking in Yosemite after they had been backpacking for a week, reconnecting with people from my former life, meeting the wonderful wedding guests of my friends Chris and Kelsey,  and interacting with the amazing people I am getting ready to meet at 24 Hours of Booty in Indianapolis this week, I have been blessed with opportunities for growth and enrichment.  All of them have impacted my life and helped me understand even more emphatically that I am on the right path for my life.

If you are finding yourself stuck and know you want to make changes in your life, there is only one way to do that, you have to increase your sample size.  You have to do things differently, new experiences, new people.  It really is the path to self-exploration and growth.

Thanks to all for the gift of the time you have spent with me in the last few weeks. Your time is really the most valuable thing you have to give.  And thanks for helping me increase my sample size.