I have to admit I am struggling, more than I could have ever thought possible.  We haven’t had power in 24 hours and I was sick for about 8 of those hours, I slept for over 12 of the rest.  We haven’t had internet all week. I am so used to being connected to my family, it just feels like a huge loss not to have them there every day even just virtually. 

Physical strength requires exercise.  When we exercise, it can hurt or be difficult but it is what will make our muscles strong.  I believe emotional strength and resilience is similar.  It doesn’t get stronger when everything is perfect all the time.  Emotional strength is gained through struggle.  Somewhere, down deep inside myself, is a well of strength that I have cultivated over the last years that I need to draw on. When I was going through my divorce, that was my mantra:  The pain I go through today will become the well of strength I will draw on tomorrow.  I need to reach inside myself and draw on that well right now.  I am made of sterner stuff than I am demonstrating.   

I don’t remember ever crying as much as I have in the past week.  I will not just turn tail and run away because things are a little challenging.  I have to give it enough time.  Usually, when I write this blog, I find the act of typing out whatever I am whining about helps me turn things around so that I can see the good side of the situation.  I need that ability right now.   June seems so far away.

So, what am I whining about?  Lack of power, lack of internet connection, the inability to communicate, and just the enormity of being in this strange place where hyenas howl at night, roads are rivers of mud, and I have no sense of connection to anyone here.  I am trying to build relationships at the same time as juggling the strangeness of the land and the environment.  I just have to figure it out and get in a routine and it will be better.  Having regular times for internet usage, routines for going to the store, etc all will help normalize things.  Right now it is almost overwhelming with all the differences.  Not almost, it IS overwhelming.  

I wish I had a bike.  Riding my bike would give me a way to find my center.