I have written about this before but after talking with some wonderful new old friends last night, I figured it was worth another post.  Fear is the great equalizer.

There is a great quote, “the only thing you have to fear is fear itself”.  That is so true, my adventures have helped me to realize that  whatever it is I am scared of in life, the “thing” isn’t the scary part, it is my fear of the thing.  And if I can push myself through whatever I am afraid of then I own it, it doesn’t own me anymore.

So many of my readers of this blog think I am this adventurous, courageous, kick-ass person.  I want to make sure you all realize, I am a chubby, average, plain person. I am scared of the most ridiculous things just like everyone else is.  The one difference is that I have reached a point where I refuse to let the fear of those things rule my life. My friend Tony once described how I face fears. He said, “It is like you are climbing the ladder on the high dive.  You complain and whine the whole way up about how you can’t do it.  Then when you get to the top, with no fanfare, no agonizing… you just jump”.  And that pretty much describes it.  The initial whining and complaining is how I work my way though my fear and then, about the time my friends are ready to strangle me, I say “screw it” and just do it.

My friend Don4 once said “life is a gift, live it”.  You can’t let fear rule your one ride on this planet.  You have to live each day as if it were a gift and honor that gift to its fullest potential. When I was 44 and had just moved to Seattle, newly separated from a marriage that lasted over half my life and struggling to figure out what to do, my brother Rod said something to me that I remind myself of everyday.  He said “Robin, you’ve got 30 more years.  If there is something you want to do, you need to do it now, because when you are 74 you aren’t going to want to be whitewater kayaking or riding a mountain bike.  You can either be like our mother who is constantly complaining about all she didn’t get to do and wishes she had or you can be talking about all the adventures that you did do”.  Those words have stuck with me.  Now at 50, I have 25 more years to get it done.  I don’t have time to waste on fear holding me back.

Last night, I did something that was really scary.  I went to a party with some people I hadn’t seen in 34 years since I left the small town I grew up in.  Let me tell you, high school isn’t for everyone and it definitely wasn’t for me. I think, out of a graduating class of about 120, my class rank was in the 80’s.  I didn’t put a whole lot of effort into being anything but a screw up.  So there wasn’t really any reason that these people should accept me at all. And I was terrified.  If I had allowed that fear to control what I did, then I wouldn’t be in Maine right now looking out at the beautiful sunrise over the river and I wouldn’t have had a chance to see my family.  But even more tragically, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to reconnect with some absolutely amazing people that I got to talk to last night. I would have missed lots of laughter, funny glasses, and amazing stories. My only regret was not having time to have really deep conversations with all of them.

The people I got to spend the most time with were simply amazing.  They are people of passion, they love their jobs, their families, and their communities.  They have so much heart and compassion for the people and the world around them.  They work hard and they play hard.  They live their lives in ways that suck the marrow right out of the bones of life, no holes barred, open, authentic and absolutely wonderful.  I couldn’t help but just be honored to be able to talk to them all. Thanks Kirk for the invite, it was a privilege to be able to see you all once again.

The lesson here for anyone that needs it… just jump.  Do whatever you need to get up the ladder of the “fear” high dive:  whine, cry, get angry, whatever you have to do.  But once you reach the top… just jump.  Don’t let fear ruin your opportunity to live your life on your own terms. What is the worst that could happen?  Last night, if I hadn’t liked the party or if someone had said something untoward, I would have just left.  Simple as that.  But if you don’t try, you will never find those people who are meant to be in your life or who are meant to influence your life.

We have to put ourselves out into the world authentically as who we are. Those who want to be part of our lives will gravitate towards us, interested in us. Those who don’t just aren’t interested and that is okay.  Not everyone is going to be interested, just like not everyone is interested in football or knitting.  We all have different preferences.  Why would we want people in our lives that really aren’t interested in the authentic people that we are?  Why would we want people in our lives that we always have to be someone we aren’t just to get them to stay?  Why would we want to waste so much of our precious gift of life and time on this earth in that kind of unhealthy relationship?  Yet we do it all the time.  I am guilty of it also.  I have wasted years on one-sided, unhealthy friendships.

Just put yourself out there.  Go to a restaurant, bring a book, or just sit at the bar and people watch and talk to the bartender.  Go to a park and sit with the sunshine on your face enjoying nature around you.  Take a class, learn someone new, maybe something you are even a little scared to try.  Talk to your classmates, listen to them.  Find the ones you gravitate toward and establish friendships. If they don’t reciprocate, they just weren’t the right person, let it go and move on to the next.

Last night I asked several people my two questions that I like to ask people when I meet them:  1) What do you want me to know about who you are?  and 2) what don’t you want me to know?  The people that can answer both those questions from their heart, risking the vulnerability for me to see inside their passions and their darkest fears, those are the people I gravitate toward.  And last night, they answered my questions with amazing honesty and forthrightness.  And I was honored and blessed to hear their stories. Thanks everyone!