Tag Archives: kayaking

Lesson Five: Be who you want to be

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One of the best things about writing this blog has been all the responses I have received from people around the world. Some said “thank you for sharing so openly, it has helped me realize I am not alone”.  Some have told me their stories. Others have asked for advice, questions such as “I am over my head in debt, how do I pay it off” to “I am not happy in my life but I don’t know how to change it, can you help”. I am not qualified to give anyone advice.  I can only tell you how I dealt with similar problems.

10294969_698382016907659_7457378898519029271_oOne of my greatest take-aways from sabbatical is that I don’t just have to be who I think I am.  I can be who I want to be. All my life, I have wanted to be this adventure girl. I wanted to be joyfully spontaneous and just willing to try things on a whim.  I wanted to be athletic and participate in adventure sports such as mountain biking, kayaking, skiing off-piste, paragliding, climbing… you get the idea. I also wanted to be the sophisticated urban dweller and world traveler. I put those dreams aside when I had children and raised my family.  I was responsible, a great high school teacher, a good university professor, a decent mother and wife. I took care of everyone. When I got divorced an moved to Seattle, I was a frumpy, middle class, 44 year old housewife from a small town in North Carolina, and I thought those kind of adventures were behind me.  If you have read this blog, you realize that moving to Seattle was when I met Matt Tony, Ken, Rachel, Shaun, Deloa, Melinda, Rachelle, Keri and so many more great friends.. the list goes on and on here as well as all my friends from the Lounge and my own children, Patrick and Jessica who have cheered me and encouraged me every step of the way.

10569073_10101954846563833_1474996086184191579_nMy friends opened my world and my mind to all the things that were possible, regardless of my age, weight, marital status, debt, … none of that matters.  Those were all excuses to keep me paralyzed to whatever dysfunctional fear I happened to be harboring at the time.  The one single thing I needed to learn was that all I had to do was try.  I didn’t have to be perfect or even successful the first time, or the 27th time, I just had to keep trying.  It didn’t matter if I was laughed at, judged, or taunted. I have learned that those kinds of limiting comments from other people aren’t about me, they are about the shallowness and fears of the person who is uttering them.  I don’t take those kind of comments personally anymore.  I am a different person.  I am the person I have always wanted to be.

I set out on a journey to carve out a new identity.  I thought that meant discovering who I am. It didn’t. I realized that it meant creating who I am.  It is funny, as I have been reflecting on sabbatical and all the years since I moved to Seattle, my train of thought started with “I didn’t”, and “I am not” until about a month ago when trying to write this blog post and I asked myself, “so what HAVE you done?”. It was a perspective altering question.

418994_10101134467475103_715478501_n1397721_10101421659884213_539633773_oI have rolled a kayak, climbed mountains, and jumped off those mountains in both a harness and with a wing on my back.  I have skied through powder, down fall lines, under chairlifts and on glaciers. I have ridden bikes on several continents, in varied conditions with incredible people.  I have ordered great wine and decadent food in restaurants all over the world.  I have met new people everywhere I have gone and listened to their stories, learned about their lives, and shared the fires of the passions that light up their souls.  I gave away all the trappings of my former life, my furniture, clothing, and emotional baggage. I have lived without a home or safety net to return to.  I have fed endangered vultures from my hand both on the ground and while gliding in the air looking out over the Himalayas.  I have traveled alone, with no plan and no itinerary, going where I wanted, seeing what interested me, meeting new people.  I have faced loneliness, fear, isolation, sickness, different cultures, ostracization, and just about every human condition you can imagine.

385537_10100701118874173_1615401034_nWhen I read that list, what is clear to me is that I am not the person that I was anymore.  I am strong, courageous, adventurous, athletic, urban, classy, loving, compassionate, giving, open… in other words, I am the person I have always wanted to be. How did I, a non-athletic, frumpy, boring, small-town, middle-class housewife do it? How did I learn to roll a boat, ski off-piste, order great wine, solo travel, talk to strangers, and give up all my possessions? The answer is simple, I tried.  I set out on a course that was hard and just kept going.  Overcoming obstacles, wanting to quit (many, many times), I learned and grew.  I refused to stay in the dysfunction I was in and did the work necessary to have the life I wanted. Even though that sounds simple, it was the hardest, yet most rewarding thing I have ever done. I have no regrets.

10338864_10203972469536322_8787165062454257996_nBefore I left on sabbatical, I had a chance to change course and stay in Seattle to be able to get the perfect house.  I wanted that house so badly, I almost didn’t go on my journey because of it. The house was just an excuse to hide my fear however. Instead, I listened to my advisors and went on sabbatical anyway knowing that there would be another perfect house when I returned. I have thought of that house many times while I lived my homeless, nomadic life. In the last couple of weeks I started house hunting again.  Guess what?  THE house, the same one, was available and now it is mine.  So for all my worry, I took the chance anyway and walked away from the safe choice. Now I have a house again or at least I will on Sept 15 and not just any house but the house I dreamed of. Until September 15, I am hanging out with my beautiful granddaughters waiting for their brother to come into the world any day now. So at the end of this incredible year, not only am I a new person but I will have a new home, a new job, and a new grandson.

It makes me happy to know that I am setting a great example for my grandchildren that life isn’t about limits, it is about challenging what limits us. Our biggest limitation is believing that we can’t change who we think we are.

“Robin, you can TOTALLY do this.” ~Matt

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One of the best gifts I have ever received from the universe is the friendship of Matt.  We are the most unlikely of friends. I met him when I was a 44 year old, recently separated woman.  He was a 19 year old college student and our relationship has never been anything but platonic. I am convinced that every woman, struggling with the crushing emotional loss of a long term relationship needs to find a “Matt”, a kid that can teach her how to play again after a lifetime of responsibility.

Matt challenges me to do things I never would have attempted. He usually prefaces those challenges with “Robin, you can totally do this”.  However, those words usually don’t end well for me.  I am usually upside down or physically in harm’s way with Matt having to save me time and time again. But those words have precipitated some of the great stories of my life.   Stories that end with Matt saying “damn it Robin” :).

The first time I heard those words was when Matt wanted to me to kayak the Wenatchee. We were going to go on this overnight camping trip with a couple of other friends and go kayaking.  I had only been whitewater kayaking twice in my life.  Matt says “Robin you can totally do this. Fat guys in inner tubes and drinking beer do this.”  While that was technically true, Matt failed to mention that the fat guys do that when the Wenatchee is running at 1000 cfs whereas I was going to kayak it when it was above 10,000 cfs.

About 10 minutes into the run and I realized I didn’t belong on that river.  The third time Matt fished me out after I panicked and swam, we were standing on the side of the river and Matt starts explaining what I need to differently. The conversation went like this:  Robin (eerily calm): “I am not getting back in that boat.”  Matt: “It will take you hours to walk out of here.”  Robin (voice rising): “I don’t care if it takes me all damn day, I am not getting back in that boat!” Matt: “You will never get the boat out of here.” Robin (voice getting louder on the edge of hysteria): “The boat can sit right there and rot, I am NOT getting back in that boat!!” Oliver: “Just let her calm down a minute.” Robin (YELLING): “YOU CAN LET ME CALM DOWN ALL YOU WANT, I AM NOT GETTING BACK IN THAT BOAT!!!”  The end of the story, of course, is that, I did get back in the boat and finished the run and at the end Matt says “Damn it Robin.”  I have heard those words a lot in the 6 years that I have been friends with Matt.

I realized from that experience that life is a lot like kayaking.  There are a lot of people who spend their whole lives standing on the banks and watching other people have the fun of the experience.  But the fun starts where the water is moving, just like life starts where the water is moving.  In the moving water is the edge of fear and the unknown, where your heart starts pumping and you realize you are totally alive, focused in the moment.

But sometimes, life gives you rapids, challenging times that upset the peaceful floating along.  Then balance, as well as good paddling skills, become very important. Life is simpler if you keep the boat upright.  But sometimes, the rapids are too strong, life throws something at you that flips you upside down. At that moment, you need to have great self-rescue skills because you are always safer if you can stay in the boat and roll yourself up.  But sometimes, the rapids of life get too big and you have to pull the skirt and swim.  At that moment, you need great safety boaters who will pull you out of the water and get you safely to the shore.  Everyone needs great safety boaters in their lives because we all have times that we can’t do it alone.

And for those of us who are really really lucky, we will have a safety boater in our lives that doesn’t just pull us out, they take the time to convince us to get back in the boat.  Because life happens where the water is moving, it isn’t a spectator sport.  Having someone who will get you to reengage when you want to check out is the greatest gift any of us will ever have.

Thanks Matt for convincing me to get back in the boat.