Tag Archives: rock climbing

What’s life without the crazy? ~OEH

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P1060122I went on a bike ride the other day with a friend.  After being off the bike since July except for a couple of rides, I have lost all my base fitness that I had this spring so I am fat, slow, and can’t climb for anything.  Tomorrow, I am leaving for Spain to ride with a bunch of men who either ride all the time or are professional cyclists. I am going to get my ass handed to me every day for 12 days.  And I paid to do it.  What to hell was I thinking?

After I finish cycling, I am spending the next 3 weeks going somewhere in Spain, but I am not sure where yet.  I am basically just going to figure it out as I go. For the past two days, I have been trying to squish my clothes in a carry-on so I won’t have to check a bag, but my cycling gear takes up too much room.  I have been a basket case of stress over it. I have 4 hours until my friend Marisa comes to pick me up to figure it out because I have to store the stuff that I am not taking with me.  So basically, I am taking the two bags that I have been complaining about all summer and trying to cull it down to half the size of either one of them. And that will be all the gear and the clothes I have for 5 weeks in Spain.  Yeah.  I am pretty sure I have totally lost my mind.  But, as my friend reminded me of recently, what is life without the crazy?

I like crazy.  It makes people interesting.  All of my friends are a touch crazy.  If they weren’t, I wouldn’t hang around them.  They have passion, take risks, fail and try again.  They are open, vulnerable, and courageous. They care about the world around them and the people in it. When having a conversation about being 50 years old and trying to establish an identity apart from wife/mother/teacher, a friend asked me a profound question: Who do you want to be?  My answer is: I want to be like them.

P1060183I want to be the person who rides her bike to work everyday, regardless of weather, because it is good for my mind, body and the environment.  I want to be the badass skier who will ski through trees, down chutes, thigh deep in powder and laugh the whole time I am doing it. I want to be the person that can jump of a cliff with a paragliding wing and fly, sailing up with thermals, looking down in wonder on the world below.  I want to be the person who will climb up a rock face and get stuck at a hard part and, instead of giving up, hang in the harness until I see the route and climb it.  I want to be the person that isn’t afraid to push my body in physical performance. I want to be a woman who looks out a nature and never takes for granted the beauty I see all around me, regardless of where I am. And I want to be able to take a decent photograph someday.

I want to be the person who can sit and listen to another’s pain without trying to fix it, to just be present for people.  I want to have a home where people can come, put their feet up, rest and feel at home and welcomed. It is funny, I cooked for Matt‘s roommates the other day.  I haven’t cooked like that in a while.  They invited their friends over, there was all this beautiful food sitting on the table, bottles of good Spanish wine, and amazing conversation.  Eating and making food is such a social activity.  Having lived by myself for so long now, eating by myself, I just appreciate those moments to feel part of a community, to listen to great conversation and ideas from creative and intelligent people, and to laugh.

So off I go to Spain.  My hope is to push the boundaries of my physical performance cycling. Then to traipse around the country meeting people, hearing their stories, laughing, sharing tapas, and drinking some fine Spanish wine.  And hopefully, in all of that, taking some beautiful photos.

my pictureThere is no great lesson in this post. Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit”. What I am realizing through writing this is, regardless of checked bags or carry-on, all the things I am doing are consistent with the person I want be.  In order to establish an identity, I have to do behaviors that actually are consistent with the talk.  Who do I want to be?  I am her.

“It is easier to live through someone else than to complete yourself. The freedom to lead and plan your own life is frightening if you have never faced it before. It is frightening when a woman finally realizes that there is no answer to the question ‘who am I’ except the voice inside herself.” ― Betty Friedan

For today…

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Back in Seattle and dealing with the complex emotions of feeling like a failure but knowing with absolute certainty that I made the right choice in leaving Ethiopia in order to take care of myself.  Sometimes putting yourself and your own needs first is the hardest thing you will ever have to do.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about my next step. I debated cycling across America but I think I want to go somewhere that I can stay for a couple of months, in one place, that will allow me to have time to myself and a place of my own to write and catch up on my reading. Somewhere that I can rent a temporary apartment and just hang out.

In my heart, I just want to stay here. I want to go find an apartment and have a home. But I know that would be the worst thing for me. It would be akin to wrapping a chain around my neck and keeping me stuck. I have an opportunity to strip away all the layers of comfort and security that I hide behind, to let go of all the friends and support that I cherish, to stand alone. To not accomplish that would be a real failure.

When I contemplated sabbatical last year, my friend Len asked me to picture myself at the end of it. He said to think of what I would regret not doing. My reaction then and still today is two things. Professionally I want to work on my research on KinectMath and write. Personally, I want to cycle, learn to climb better, and take paragliding lessons (thanks for another addiction Matt) and I would love to ski and cycle in Europe.

In my life, I have always wanted to be a badass with adventure sports. I am not however, a natural athlete. I am uncoordinated and I am an old woman. I will be 50 years old on Monday. If I am going to do this, I have to do it now. So let the badass lessons begin.

I bandied about three places in the world that would also be conducive to having time to work, cycling daily, and learning at least one of my other activities. Moab, UT; Mallorca, Spain; and Queenstown, New Zealand. Moab is easy and I am fascinated with the desert, NZ is a little harder because although the language is English, it is further away and isolated. Mallorca is cheaper, was on my original plan, but the language is Spanish. And it is a climbing and cycling mecca.

Any additional suggestions or advice would be welcome. That’s where I am today.