I started this blog to document sabbatical and the creation of a new identity as a I move into the final chapter of my life.  I am going through the process of detangling myself from the identity which has served my the first 50 years of my life.  It is an identity wrapped up in the service of others: wife, mother of dependent children, and teacher.  It is an identity couched in the victimization of trauma, trauma that is healed and over and a part of the past.  It is time to let that all go. Now it is time to find my place in the world as a strong, confident, independent woman.  Yet as I read through many of the posts of this blog, I realized I spend a lot of time writing about the people I love and not as much time writing about myself.

In case you didn’t catch the math from the title of this post, today is my 50th birthday. I have been sad in anticipation of this day, but as usual, the anticipation is the hard part.  Now that the day is here, I find I can’t help but be happy.  The 50’s are going to be the best decade yet.

Milestone birthdays always make you reflect on the previous decade.  My 40’s have been tumultuous to say the least. Up until 43, my life was pretty normal and relatively boring.  After 43, it has been one crisis after another. Yet here I sit on the cusp of 50, feeling like I have been through the fires of hell and realizing that the pain I have gone through has produced a well of strength and independence that I will draw on for the next decade.  I am a better woman because of everything that has happened to me. I am ready to be the woman I have become.  I am ready to embrace a life of abundance.  I have abundant resources, energy, health, and love of the most amazing people on the planet.  There is nothing holding me back other than myself. It is time for me to get out of my own way.

Who am I?  I am an academic, a college professor, a teacher of teachers. I am intelligent and articulate. I am an adventurer, a wanderer, a philosopher. I am compassionate, loving, and warm.  I am blunt, outspoken, and opinionated.  I am passionate, loyal, and I love deeply. I have an inner beauty that is apparent to anyone who takes the time to know me.  I use all my senses and emotions and I look at the world with a sense wonder and magic.  I am a woman who is trying to respect her boundaries, to honor herself and her needs while at the same time caring for the needs of others.  I love the mountains and nature and I believe in taking care of the planet I ride on.  I love to ski, climb, ride, jump off stuff, and to raise my face up to the sky giving thanks for the world around me every day.  I am a woman with a sense of life. That is who I am.

So my birthday plans are to be on my bike by 8 am.  I want to ride 50 miles, but I will be thankful for as many as I get in.  I have been off the bike for quite awhile and I won’t beat myself up if I don’t make 50, I am happy just to be riding along. It is going to rain and I forgot my fender at Matt’s so I will have a brown mud streak up my back, but that is what they make washing machines for.  After my ride, a nice hot shower, lunch, and then doing some work this afternoon followed by a quiet dinner with Tony, Ken, and Marisa.  It is going to be a lovely day.

Cheers to the next decade.  ~Robin