Tag Archives: roadbikereview.com

Try the mustard on the chips…

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One day when my friends and I were skiing, we stopped for lunch.  One of my friends had a sandwich that came with mustard, just the plain ordinary yellow kind. He also got potato chips with it.  After the sandwich was gone, the side of mustard was sitting there and he started dipping the chips in the mustard.  He commented on how good it was and I said “ewwww”  because I expected it to be yukky.  He kept saying “try it”. I finally relented and had to admit, it was pretty good.

Expectations are where we get in trouble. We set ourselves up for suffering by having expectations for what the future holds, for what our lives will be like “when…”, for what people will do, and for what we ourselves should do. When those expectations don’t come to fruition, we suffer.  And the reality is, lots of time life doesn’t work out the way we think it is going to.

Expectations color much what we do and cause us to get stuck.  We don’t want to try new things because of an expectation that we won’t like them or they will be scary or that we will look silly or we can’t afford it.  We get mired in keeping the status quo even if it isn’t working for us because of an unwillingness to let go of our expectations of what we think our lives “should” be.  And we suffer.

When I was mired in the emotional turmoil of divorce, loneliness, debt, stress, etc., one of the key reasons for my distress was being unwilling to let go of all my expectations for my life.  That was when I met these people on a bike forum.  At first I was a little sketched out that I was talking and sharing so much of myself with these people I had never met in person.  After reading their posts, “listening” to their ideas, realizing how intelligent and thoughtful they were, I couldn’t help but trust them.  So I reached out and asked a few of them if I could meet them in person.  And they were even more spectacular in person than they were online.

Each time I would meet someone, I would post what I thought and felt when meeting them.  I told them all how much they exceeded my expectations of what I thought they would be like. It became the running joke that the next one I met would be the one to disappoint me.  To this day I continue to keep telling them that it isn’t going to happen.  What they don’t know is in reality, they already have shattered all my expectations.

Today, I am riding in a 24 hour bike ride for charity and I am riding with a large group of these remarkable people. I am nervous. What they haven’t realized is that what I am terrified of isn’t that they aren’t going to meet my expectations.  What I am scared of is that I won’t live up to theirs.  And I don’t want to disappoint these people who mean so much to me. I guess that is the legacy of my perfectionism.  I don’t want to show them that I am not who they think I am.

What I keep telling myself and trying to remember is whether I meet their expectations or not, there is still some learning for each of us by having the opportunity to interact.

Because sometimes, you just have to try the mustard on the chips.

The Lounge

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For the past couple of years, I have participated on a cycling forum called Road Bike Review.  Specifically, the forum I stayed in the most was called The Lounge.  I was drawn to it because of a desire to learn about cycling but I remained in it because of the passion, intelligence and compassion of the people who participated there.  This was a community of men and women dedicated to the sport of cycling yet the came from all walks of life, religious persuasion, and political affiliations.  They listened, truly listened to each other and respected each other’s ideas even if they ultimately didn’t agree.

The thing that captivated me about them in the beginning was how much they cared about people they had never met. They would take time to respond to the concerns of the members and give very thoughtful replies. I remember thinking, “this is an internet forum of complete strangers, yet they show more love and respect for their fellow man/woman than most people do in their face to face lives”.  And I was enchanted by them.

I came to know all the characters by they way they wrote and the stories they wove.  And I fell in love with them all.  And then I told them my darkest secrets.  Some of them couldn’t handle it, but those that could became some of the best friends I have ever had.  I joined their private group and got to know them even better. They never disappointed me.

What they did for me was to help me become strong.  By their acceptance and mirroring for me the type of person I want to be, I was able to try on different new identities, to discard what didn’t work and to keep what did. I was able to do that feeling safe and accepted.  Ultimately, I became the woman I am because they were in my life.  They taught me to be strong, independent, to have a voice, and to not be afraid to take what I needed. And they gave me the gift of laughter and taught me not to take life so seriously.

In December, I was getting nervous, they were too much like characters in a book and they knew most of my secrets.  I wanted to put faces to the characters so I started visiting them in person. I needed  to use my other senses and hear their voices, to look into their eyes.  I realize now that might have been a mistake on my part.  Fake internet people you can just turn off, but when they become real it means potential heartbreak.  In person, they were even more fabulous then they were online.  Their online personas only showed glimpses of their integrity, courage, tenacity, compassion, thoughtfulness, humor, and vulnerability.

I fell in love even more.  I was addicted to the forum, spending all of my time there just enjoying the intelligent debate and conversation, hopefully giving back in small ways with advice, respect, honor, and my compassion. But I knew it had to end.  I had to let them go.

The reality is that they taught me to be strong, but yet I was growing more and more dependent on them every day.  If I was truly going to stand on my own two feet and be the person I wanted to be, to mirror back to them all the qualities I saw in them, I had to let them go.  I thought I would do it at the beginning of my sabbatical, but on April 7, I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to leave if I didn’t just cut the cord.  So I left.

I miss them every day.  I miss talking to them and interacting with them. I will love them always and I know they are cheering me on.  I feel them.  My imaginary internet friends, thank you for all you have given me.