Tag Archives: The lounge

Letter to my younger self…

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robin25I read a book a long time ago called “What I Know Now: Letter to My Younger Self”.  I was in my office the other day working on a grant and saw it on a shelf and thought about what a great idea it would be to write a letter to my younger self.  What would I want her to know?  Then I realized it would depend on what age I was so I decided on writing a letter to my 25 year old self.  At 25, I was in my second year of my master’s degree program. I remember wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt that my husband bought me for a birthday present to teach class in that day.  I remember having a huge existential crisis over the fact that I was turning 25 and that seemed so old and grown up.  I was already married with a 7 year old and a 2 year old but for some reason, turning 25 made me feel very old.

graduationAt 25, I had already put myself through undergraduate school and graduated Magna cum Laude and was driven to succeed in graduate school.  Even though I had gone through a teacher education program, my teaching assistant position at a 4 year university felt like an internship where I was able to get more practice at being a teacher before teaching high school. I had the help of a great friend and math teacher Danny Lueck who passed away a few years ago.  I remember those times sitting in my living room grading 120 papers and he would be giving me advice on how to grade them more efficiently so that I wouldn’t go crazy. He was a good friend.  I would go on to teach public high school for over a decade before returning to graduate school again to get my PhD and moving into higher education. Along the way, building my career, I sacrificed a lot of my personal life. I don’t regret my education or my job path.  It has allowed me to make an impact on the world, but it also came with a price.

Going through this letter-writing process was a great one for reminding me of where I was and where I am now.  If you are over 35, I suggest trying this.  Don’t just think of what you would say to your younger self, actually take the time to write it out.  If you are under 35, I suggest writing a letter to your older self.  Add 20 years to your age and tell that older you what you want them never to forget.  Put it away and then read it again in a few years and see how you are doing.  You could even make it a tradition every 5 years to go back and reread and then write a new letter.  Just a thought.

Dear Robin,

I see you standing there, in front of that class of undergraduates who are barely younger than you.  There are so many of them, looking toward you like you have the answers to all their problems in math.  Yet you are standing there shaking in your shoes because you know you are going to screw up.  Yes you will, so stop worrying about it.  You will survive the embarrassment of calling a hypotenuse a hypothesis for a whole class until one of your students points it out.  You will survive your first (and subsequent) altercation with students where you have to confront them on discipline issues.  You will weather the storm on the first (and subsequent) time that someone complains about your teaching.  The thing to remember is this: you are going to be a great teacher but that greatness doesn’t come without making a bunch of mistakes.  Let go of the control and thinking you have all the answers, don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know but I will find out and let you know tomorrow”, and don’t be afraid to ask the kids “I don’t know, what do you think?” and let them come up with their own answers.  They will learn more that way.  Never back a kid into a corner, always give them a way out and a way to save face.  Laugh at yourself, have sense of humor in your classroom, don’t take things so seriously. 1432_596970479433_9919_n

1432_596970474443_9679_nThat goes for your personal life too.  You are far too serious for being 25 years old.  Look at your two beautiful children, they need a mother that laughs and plays with them.  They will grow up to be amazing human beings, your pride in them will know no bounds.  I wish I could say you aren’t going to make any mistakes in raising them, but you are.  They will love you despite the times you screw up.  Play with them more, be unrestrained, show them how to have adventures.  And while you are at it, have some yourself.  It is okay to be concerned with your career, it is going to take you places you never imagined.  But don’t let it get in the way of adventures.  They are what fuels your soul.  They don’t have to be big or cost lots of money, you just have to be willing to let go of control, not be perfect, and get lost in the moment of life. 

Try not to spend all of your life being perfect. Someday that perfect life will shatter into a million pieces and you won’t know how to deal with it.  The key to surviving that is to realize that imperfection is where the good stuff of life happens. Your life will start when you are willing to jump in and do stuff without fearing you’ll make a mistake. Fear is where the fun starts, it isn’t the paralyzing emotion that you think it is.  Face what you are most afraid of head on with no hesitation.  It will set you free.

You did a great job at 25, allowing yourself to trust your husband, have kids, build a great life. Those choices will make you very happy over the next 20 years.  You will have no regrets about raising your family, living in the town that you choose, having the wonderful friends that you have.  Never look back on that time with regrets, it is magic time, filled with wonder.  Someday, after your life falls apart, you will build a new life, very different from that.  It is okay, nothing lasts forever. You will move on.  During that rebuilding time, my advice to you is try to let go faster. It really is the key to being happy.  You have to learn how to recognize when a relationship is at its end and be okay with that.  Cherish the relationship for what it brought you and look with anticipation at the next one that will come into your life.  A relationship ends when it has fulfilled its need in your life and its ending opens up a space to allow you another one that will meet different needs.

A couple of things I really want you to remember:

  • Your hair doesn’t matter as much as you think it does, don’t waste so much time and money on it.
  • Stand closer to the fire.  Don’t stand on the periphery of life, get in where it is warm, where life is happening.
  • Dance more and don’t stop singing. The day might come when you will forget how much joy these things bring to life so capture the joy while you can.
  • Make mistakes.  It is how you learn and grow.
  • Take care of your body.  You will spend money, time, and energy taking care of your house or cars while ignoring the one thing in your life that can’t be replaced, your health.  Put your effort and energy into making sure the one body you have to go through this life with is always running in peak condition.
  • Take the harder road, make the more difficult choice.  Yes, the learning curve is larger, but there is a reason the phrase “no guts, no glory” came about.  The harder road is the greater opportunity. You won’t get where you want to be by playing it safe.
  • Don’t be afraid to embrace the people who come into your life for the gifts they are.  And don’t be afraid to let them go when it is time.
  • Someday, you will meet some sketchy internet people, they are trustworthy.  They will help you find your voice again.
  • Someday, in your darkest hours, you will meet someone who is going to change your life.  He is young and it seems an odd friendship and you will question it many, many times. Don’t.  Risk trusting this person, he will teach you how to play again after a lifetime of responsibility.  He will teach you how to be strong.  He will teach you about the person you want to be. He will help you find your soul. 

You are going to have the best life ever.  Live every day of it.

Robin

Saying thank you

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When I was mired in my life-altering changes of moving 3000 miles away from my support system and getting divorced, I found keeping a “thank-you” journal useful in helping me see the world from a positive perspective rather than succumbing to negative thoughts.  At the end of every day, I would write down 5 things I was thankful for.  It was difficult when I first started but as I kept up the habit, I found that I would be mindful about things throughout the day that I was thankful for so that I had 5 things to write in my journal at night. It helped me to learn to be thankful for the small everyday moments that I sometimes took for granted.

Recently, I had the privilege and pleasure of visiting with my friend Marvin and his lovely wife Naomi in Boston.  Marvin is one of my imaginary internet friends from my cycling forum and a teammate from Team Collin.  bootyI am always thankful for my internet friends and don’t tell them enough what they mean to me.  They are men and women who have encouraged me, listened to me cry (virtually), stuck with me during the dark times, and helped me become the woman I am. Just like with any large group, you become closer to some people than you are to others.  Those I am close to, I trust without question.  Marvin is one of those people.  He has stood by me even when I have tried to push away his friendship, listened with unconditional acceptance, given me fantastic advice, made me laugh, and is one of those rare people of impeccable integrity and honor.  His lovely wife is just as amazing, intelligent, thoughtful and accepting as he is and I felt honored to finally meet her and get to know her.  She is as fabulous as he has described.

Marvin and Naomi let me stay at their home and showed me the depth of their loving hospitality and I hope to return the favor someday when they come to Seattle. We had great conversations and fantastic food.  Although I am a hopeless insomniac, I felt so comfortable at their home, I slept better than I have since I visited Len and Ella (also imaginary internet friends) last summer.  I can’t thank them enough for all that they gave me.

Marvin and my other internet friends remind me of my brothers who are also men of incredible honor and integrity just like our dad was, it was how we were raised.  I am currently staying at the home of my brother Rod and my beautiful sister-in-law Ada.  Again, they have offered me their hospitality, warmth, acceptance and love.  I can’t thank them enough.  My sister-in-law also happens to be the best massage therapist I have ever had.  She has such a depth of knowledge of her craft and can reduce me to feeling like an unraveled mitten in no time.  Total bliss.  Thanks Ada!

Aside from being blessed by their generosity, because I visited them back-to-back, I noticed the similarities in both Marvin & Naomi’s relationship and Rod & Ada’s.  I was thankful to have the opportunity to watch both of these long term couples interact and it has given me insight into my relationships. There are few key elements in their relationships and the way they treat each other that stood out to me. In no particular order, these include respect, laughter, affection, appreciation/value, and trust:

  1. Respect.  Whether it is choosing a movie for date night or supporting the other in going back to get a massage therapy license, each of these two couples respected their partner’s opinion. There was no competition, no belittling, just an acceptance of the other as an equal being worthy of respect and working together as a team.
  2. Laughter. They tease each other, laugh at each other’s foibles, and they know that the teasing from their partner is with love and free of malice.  They have fun together.
  3. Affection.  They hold hands, look into each other’s eyes, stop to hug each other. There is a communication between them that requires no words. Daily intimacy is key in keeping their relationships alive.
  4. Appreciation and value.  They appreciate what the other does and value what they bring to their lives.  Whether it is making dinner, doing laundry, giving a massage, allowing an out-of-town friend or relative to come visit, … whatever. Each partner, without the other present, would talk about how much they appreciate their mate, how being with them makes their lives better, and what a good person he/she is.
  5. Trust.  They trust each other with a tangible, fundamental trust that can’t be described.  It is the backbone of their healthy relationships.

There are more intangibles that I can’t describe, these couples have been together for a long time, but those are the things that really struck me.  And their relationships hold a mirror up for me for all my relationships, not just romantic ones.  The people I keep in my life are people I respect and who show me respect in return. They are people who I can laugh and have fun with.  They are people that give affection and who appreciate and value what I bring to their lives and in whom I value in return and who outwardly show that value and appreciation.  They are people I can trust. Those things are all necessary elements of healthy relationships.

Reflecting on that made me feel pretty good about the relationships I have been cultivating. For a long time, I felt I had to be liked by everyone.  I put everyone’s needs ahead of my own and would keep giving my heart to relationships with people that really weren’t into having a reciprocal relationship with me. That mentality allowed me to be taken advantage of in some pretty extreme ways.  Now, basking in the love of the healthy relationships I have, it is easy to see how much my current relationships enrich my life and how destructive those former relationships were.

So thank you to Marvin & Naomi and Rod & Ada for allowing me to glimpse your lives.  And thank you to all my wonderful friends and family. I appreciate you.  You all add tremendous value to my life.

Please do not feed the troll…

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Our dreams do not necessarily have to be fulfilled in order for us to be happy. Nurturing hopes is meaningful in and of itself. It is worth working toward them, regardless of the outcome. When we make this shift away from results, we will find greater courage to act on our aspirations for the world. We will find our nobility of heart.  ~Karmapa

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Troll Under the Bridge, Seattle WA

Yesterday, I got trolled. It has happened before, I have my own personal troll who not only knows me, he knows what my triggers are and he likes to push them.  This troll directly targeted me and specifically mentioned this blog. For a little while, I let it get to me.  The problem with trolls is their goal is to get a rise out of you so if you respond to them, you are giving them what they want. It is called “feeding the troll”. Yesterday, I reacted and fed the troll. I wasn’t very nice in my response to him. Next time, instead of responding, I will let the forum moderator deal with him from the beginning.

The troll in fact, did me a favor.  I was pretty distraught about it for awhile yesterday.  I kept trying to fight my distress by asking myself the question: why would I allow my energy to get wrapped up in the words of someone who has no integrity? Trolling is an act of cowardice. It is someone hiding behind the anonymity of the internet for the purpose of causing distress and I was the specific target of this person. Why would I give that my emotion or my time? Lesson learned. My modus operandi in life, if I have something to say, I either need to have the integrity to say it without hiding who I am or I just need to shut up. It isn’t very hard to figure out where I stand on things, all someone has to do is ask me. However yesterday, my line of thought wasn’t working, I was projecting my own core values onto the situation and that was the wrong way for me to try to think my way out of my distress.

Then I realized a very simple truth, trolls exist where there is good discussion happening.  And the forum I was using is one of the best for stimulating interesting discussion. The troll had hit me hard by insinuating that, from reading my “journal”, he believed that I would agree with what he was saying.  “One thing that I hear people tell others who are in pain or experiencing change and loss is the remark ‘it’s going to be OK’. I think this is said in consolation but I think it’s also misleading and naive. It’s not going to be ok, for many people it didn’t work out or as luck would have it, life didn’t present those opportunities or just persisted circling the drain. Sometimes for reasons beyond our control or influence. Looking at your journal, I think you would agree, it will be OK if like anything else, you make the effort to problem solve, sacrifice, work hard, and accept that life often is sour grapes, loss, pain, and very arbitrary.”

I felt a little sad for the troll and his outlook on life, he doesn’t seem like a very happy person. But his unhappiness helped me clarify my beliefs a little better, so thank you Mr. Troll.  I believe that, yes, life has some sour grapes, loss, pain, and can seem arbitrary, but I don’t believe life IS any of those things. Life has balance, there can be no joy without sorrow, there can be no light without darkness, and there can be no wine without sour grapes.  There can be no great conversation or shifts in perspective if we only have conversations with people that agree with us. Yin-yang.  Life, with all its good and bad, is full, rich, sweet, abundant and wonderful.

And I truly believe that life is going to be okay. I don’t believe my life it is necessarily going to work out the way I wanted, but I believe it is exactly as it should be right now at this moment.  No matter how bad, how impossible something is to overcome, or how egregiously people have hurt me, I just have to nourish my hopes and stay on this side of the ground. I have to love those that are in my life in the moment that they are with me, so that when when they aren’t there, I remember that love.  I have to nourish my mind with new experiences and learning so that I have more than one way of doing things, that helps me from being “stuck“.  I have to nourish my soul by doing that which I think I can’t, even if I try and fail, until I find a measure of success. I have to live life with all my senses, emotions, and in the moment that I have.  It might be the only moment I am given.  That is the only way I know how to do it.

Collecting stories

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I was getting ready to meet some imaginary internet people I only knew virtually from a bike forum and I was a little creeped out by the idea.  So in my anxiety, I texted my very wise friend and mentor Matt who always knows the right thing to say.  I remember asking “Matt what to hell am I doing traveling half way across the country to meet some random people from the internet?”  Matt’s answer, perfect as always, was “Robin, you are collecting stories and that is what life is, a collection of stories.  It means you are living life like you should.”

P1040848P1040954P1050122 P1050112If you have been following, you know the past three weeks I have been traveling, living out a tent (with an occasional hotel),  cycling and hiking while trying to mentally and physically prepare for hiking Kilimanjaro in two months.  During that time I have seen some incredible landscapes and scenery from around the United States.  I have seen wildlife, amazing vistas, sun-kissed plains, breathtaking mountains, waterfalls, rivers, and too many other things to mention.  Everywhere I went was a unique place with beauty all its own.  But the thing that made each place special was the people I met and the stories they told.

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Team Collin

From hitchhikers in Yosemite, a magical wedding in a castle in Colorado, to meeting my absolutely amazing team members of Team Collin and riding in 24 Hours of Booty in Indianapolis, I have collected stories of women and men who are courageous, joyful, compassionate, passionate, impulsive, adventurous, thoughtful, loving, and a dozen more adjectives. And I have to say, they were all spectacular.  The only regret I have is not having more individual time with all of them.

When I am one-on-one with people I always try to ask them two questions.  I ask them “what do you want me to know about you”?  For that question, I usually hear what people are passionate about. They try to give me a glimpse of the things that mean the most to them like their love of music, being a good parent, things they care deeply about.  I love hearing about those things.  It gives a glimpse into their heart.

Then I ask them “what don’t you want me to know”?  Not everyone can answer that question, and that isn’t wrong, it is really hard to risk that type of sharing.  For me, I am always captivated by those who can answer it.  People who can reach down from their gut and show the raw courage that it takes to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to pull the mask off and show someone else our flaws, our dark sides.

The people that can answer those two questions in a very real authentic way are the people I gravitate toward because I know that they are the people who will be open with me about themselves and who won’t shrink back when I am open about myself.  There are many people in the world that don’t want that kind of deep understanding of others, they prefer the superficial “goodness” of life. They want life to be “perfect”, a fairy tale where people only recognize when things are going well, they refuse to acknowledge the darker side of life. That is how I used to be…and then, I was divided by zero and life became undefined.  The fairy tale ended because that is what fairy tales do.

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Receiving the Spirit of Booty Award

At the same time the opposite can also be true, there are people who only see the dark side and can’t see the joy, laughter, hilarious antics, unbelievable bravery, love, tenacity and spirit of people who have faced tremendous obstacles and found ways to face them with grace, courage, and humility.

brian

My teammates of Team Collin epitomize that spirit. They see the good and the bad, they see life as a whole array of emotion.  They are exactly the kind of people I want in my life.  And these were the sketchy internet people from my opening paragraph.  Who would have thought?

As I face the next chapter of my life, I have realized that I would rather take life and emotion raw than sugar-coated.  I want to surround myself with people who can sit with my pain, share in my joy, empathize with my sorrow, and engage with me in laughter. I want the whole experience, good and bad, because that is what living life is all about for me.  I want to choose relationships with people who will accept me fully.  The only way to find those people is to collect their stories.

mellielen & stacystephenlen & marvinfeet

Try the mustard on the chips…

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One day when my friends and I were skiing, we stopped for lunch.  One of my friends had a sandwich that came with mustard, just the plain ordinary yellow kind. He also got potato chips with it.  After the sandwich was gone, the side of mustard was sitting there and he started dipping the chips in the mustard.  He commented on how good it was and I said “ewwww”  because I expected it to be yukky.  He kept saying “try it”. I finally relented and had to admit, it was pretty good.

Expectations are where we get in trouble. We set ourselves up for suffering by having expectations for what the future holds, for what our lives will be like “when…”, for what people will do, and for what we ourselves should do. When those expectations don’t come to fruition, we suffer.  And the reality is, lots of time life doesn’t work out the way we think it is going to.

Expectations color much what we do and cause us to get stuck.  We don’t want to try new things because of an expectation that we won’t like them or they will be scary or that we will look silly or we can’t afford it.  We get mired in keeping the status quo even if it isn’t working for us because of an unwillingness to let go of our expectations of what we think our lives “should” be.  And we suffer.

When I was mired in the emotional turmoil of divorce, loneliness, debt, stress, etc., one of the key reasons for my distress was being unwilling to let go of all my expectations for my life.  That was when I met these people on a bike forum.  At first I was a little sketched out that I was talking and sharing so much of myself with these people I had never met in person.  After reading their posts, “listening” to their ideas, realizing how intelligent and thoughtful they were, I couldn’t help but trust them.  So I reached out and asked a few of them if I could meet them in person.  And they were even more spectacular in person than they were online.

Each time I would meet someone, I would post what I thought and felt when meeting them.  I told them all how much they exceeded my expectations of what I thought they would be like. It became the running joke that the next one I met would be the one to disappoint me.  To this day I continue to keep telling them that it isn’t going to happen.  What they don’t know is in reality, they already have shattered all my expectations.

Today, I am riding in a 24 hour bike ride for charity and I am riding with a large group of these remarkable people. I am nervous. What they haven’t realized is that what I am terrified of isn’t that they aren’t going to meet my expectations.  What I am scared of is that I won’t live up to theirs.  And I don’t want to disappoint these people who mean so much to me. I guess that is the legacy of my perfectionism.  I don’t want to show them that I am not who they think I am.

What I keep telling myself and trying to remember is whether I meet their expectations or not, there is still some learning for each of us by having the opportunity to interact.

Because sometimes, you just have to try the mustard on the chips.

The Lounge

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For the past couple of years, I have participated on a cycling forum called Road Bike Review.  Specifically, the forum I stayed in the most was called The Lounge.  I was drawn to it because of a desire to learn about cycling but I remained in it because of the passion, intelligence and compassion of the people who participated there.  This was a community of men and women dedicated to the sport of cycling yet the came from all walks of life, religious persuasion, and political affiliations.  They listened, truly listened to each other and respected each other’s ideas even if they ultimately didn’t agree.

The thing that captivated me about them in the beginning was how much they cared about people they had never met. They would take time to respond to the concerns of the members and give very thoughtful replies. I remember thinking, “this is an internet forum of complete strangers, yet they show more love and respect for their fellow man/woman than most people do in their face to face lives”.  And I was enchanted by them.

I came to know all the characters by they way they wrote and the stories they wove.  And I fell in love with them all.  And then I told them my darkest secrets.  Some of them couldn’t handle it, but those that could became some of the best friends I have ever had.  I joined their private group and got to know them even better. They never disappointed me.

What they did for me was to help me become strong.  By their acceptance and mirroring for me the type of person I want to be, I was able to try on different new identities, to discard what didn’t work and to keep what did. I was able to do that feeling safe and accepted.  Ultimately, I became the woman I am because they were in my life.  They taught me to be strong, independent, to have a voice, and to not be afraid to take what I needed. And they gave me the gift of laughter and taught me not to take life so seriously.

In December, I was getting nervous, they were too much like characters in a book and they knew most of my secrets.  I wanted to put faces to the characters so I started visiting them in person. I needed  to use my other senses and hear their voices, to look into their eyes.  I realize now that might have been a mistake on my part.  Fake internet people you can just turn off, but when they become real it means potential heartbreak.  In person, they were even more fabulous then they were online.  Their online personas only showed glimpses of their integrity, courage, tenacity, compassion, thoughtfulness, humor, and vulnerability.

I fell in love even more.  I was addicted to the forum, spending all of my time there just enjoying the intelligent debate and conversation, hopefully giving back in small ways with advice, respect, honor, and my compassion. But I knew it had to end.  I had to let them go.

The reality is that they taught me to be strong, but yet I was growing more and more dependent on them every day.  If I was truly going to stand on my own two feet and be the person I wanted to be, to mirror back to them all the qualities I saw in them, I had to let them go.  I thought I would do it at the beginning of my sabbatical, but on April 7, I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to leave if I didn’t just cut the cord.  So I left.

I miss them every day.  I miss talking to them and interacting with them. I will love them always and I know they are cheering me on.  I feel them.  My imaginary internet friends, thank you for all you have given me.