On Monday, I will be 50 years old. It is one of those milestone birthdays that, until yesterday, was bothering me a bit. Yesterday, I got it all sorted out in my mind. Everyone keeps asking me lots of questions like where am I staying, what am I going to do now, what I want for a present for my birthday, and what I want to do on my birthday. I hope this post will answer those questions.

Sometimes, life is pretty incredible. When I got home from Whistler, I sent a message to my friend Matt‘s girlfriend Amanda about needing my car. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew that the car is all I have left. I was going to get in it and just start driving. That isn’t what I wanted to do, I just didn’t know anything else to do. Since Matt was in South America indefinitely, I didn’t expect to see him. Then Amanda said the most amazing thing. She said, “I am picking Matt up a the airport at 10 pm tonight, I know he has been thinking about you and wants to see you”. I lost it and just started crying. I hadn’t realized until that moment that what I needed more than anything else in the world was the support of my friend. It just happened that I was back at the same time that he came home for a week before he leaves again for Asia.

Sunrise from the deck

Here is the amazing part. He picked me up when I got off my bus and we went and talked. He should have been spending time with his family, but instead he is letting me cry all over him. He had already checked with his roommates and they offered me a place to stay in this gorgeous house, with a fabulous gourmet kitchen and a great view of Seattle. They offered me comfort, compassion, and safety. They are certainly some of the most chill people I have met in Seattle. They made me feel immediately welcomed and at home. How did I get so fortunate? I have to be the most blessed person on the planet. Seriously.  I spent Wednesday reconnecting with my friends Maurea, Melinda, Deloa and Larry. They took time out of their schedules to make me feel valued and loved.

Yesterday, Matt and I went hiking up Tiger Mountain. He was going to paraglide down, I just hiked down. After a lovely hike up with time to talk to my friend, on the way down I got some solo time to think about everything. I decided to take sabbatical in very small steps. I want to finish a paper and a grant I am working on so I need two weeks in one place to work. So I am staying in Seattle until October 1 (thanks Jeff and Elle for letting me crash at your house). Then I just need a short adventure. So I am going back to the original plan and taking off for a month in Spain, cycling Mallorca getting back in time for Thanksgiving with my children. I am not planning on any other activities, just getting up every day and cycling and then enjoying the Spanish culture in the evenings. I need some time on my bike. After that, I don’t know yet and I am not going to plan anything.

On the way home from the mountain, Matt (who is still just 25 years old) was being his usual silly self. I was laughing, the sun was shining, we were just being goofy, I felt like I was kid. At that moment it hit me what a true healing gift his friendship has been to me. I have had a lot of trauma in my life. From the time I was 10 years old, I didn’t have a normal childhood. I grew up very fast and took on lots of responsibility. There was never any of that carefree playtime. Steadfastly, over the last 6 years of our friendship, through the trauma of divorce, the exploitation of my former therapist, the betrayal of a false friend, through a mountain of debt, tenure & promotion, deaths, births, marriages…all of it, Matt has loved me unconditionally. I am 25 years his senior, a female, not that athletic, and still he has dragged me on more adventures, taken the time to get to know and understand me on a level that no one else ever did. He doesn’t judge or belittle, but just truly accepts me as I am and encourages me to be my best. He teaches me how to be spontaneous, to take risks, and to just play knowing that I have the security of his love and caring as a safety net. For the first time in my whole life since I was 10 years old, yesterday, I felt healed and whole. So for my birthday, I have already received my gift.

Sunset overlooking the Olympic Mountains and Queen Anne

I don’t need physical gifts, I don’t even have a house. The gift I get from all the people in my life is the gift of their love and acceptance. What more do I need? I have so many amazing friends that I am rich beyond measure and that can never be measured in physical things. Life is short and sweet. I am entering the sunset of my life, the last 30 years. I believe our lives and the legacy we leave behind will be known by the love we have shared during our time on this planet.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~Maya Angelou

P.S. This seems like a good post for a Stevie Nicks song.