2015

Posted on November 28, 2015 by rangotti

Twenty-eight years ago, the universe gave me a gift. I was given the privilege of being the mother of an amazing daughter. Since the moment they laid her in my arms, I have adored her. We are so different in so many ways, it was always a mystery to me how she understood the things she did with no help from her mother. I am a tomboy, makeup confuses me, and I am totally devoid of any ability to be stylish or match colors together. My daughter is the exact opposite. She is stunningly lovely and from the time she was a small child, she picked out her own clothes, styled her own hair and had a special affinity toward shoes and purses. A dancer, cheerleader, interior designer, my daughter is very feminine.

The challenge for me as a parent was to let her be who she was and not try to make her into me. I am a very linear, direct thinker. My daughter’s thought process is like being on a tilt-o-whirl. Her mind goes from one idea to the next, it is something to behold and I wouldn’t want her to be any other way. My prayer while she was growing up was to always let her have the space to find her own way and to always accept her for who she is.

Emerging Designer of the Year

She is one of the most creative human beings I have ever met. Whether with a paintbrush, a CAD drawing, or her own feet in dance, she has always had a way to see things in her mind’s eye that I could only imagine and she is able to portray those images through whatever artistic medium of her choice. She is brilliant and I have always been amazed and sometimes intimidated by her. She is beautiful, successful and a wonderful person.

With the birth of a daughter, at some time a parent’s thoughts will turn to the future and the day she will get married. I don’t know why it is that way, but it is. I am no different. I remember that moment, looking down at this beautiful baby, hoping that I would one day see her wedding day. I remember wishing for my daughter that her wedding would be everything she wanted it to be: a beautiful bride, a heartfelt ceremony, a wonderful husband, a sunny day, surrounded by people who love her. All those things have come to fruition for tomorrow is my daughter’s wedding day.

There are so many things I want to tell her, so many things I want her to know. There are things I have told her over and over, but she doesn’t believe me. As she gets older, I hope she will someday see herself the way that I see her. My daughter is beautiful, capable, fierce, independent, intelligent, and creative. She has a presence that shows an understanding and awareness of the world around her that I have never had. She lights up a room when she walks into it, she makes everyone feel welcomed. She is gracious, charming and elegant. She is a force to be reckoned with and a joy to behold. She is a steel magnolia. And tomorrow she becomes a bride.

Who is this man she has given her heart to? He is kind, generous, compassionate, caring, funny, smart, and he looks at my daughter with a love that is tangible. I could not have envisioned a better mate for her. He believes in her and encourages her to reach for her dreams. He lets her be exactly who she is and does not try to change her into something that would destroy her amazing spirit. He is a wonderful human being. Like my daughter, my son-in-law is also a creative person. His paintings are so poignant, so thought provoking, his talent takes my breath away. Together, their lives will be filled with emotion, beauty, color, freedom, spirituality, and romance.

So on this eve of their wedding, the joy in my heart overflows. Tomorrow, I get to watch this child that I have loved with all my heart marry the man that fills her heart to completion. It will be an honor to see them pledge their lives to each other knowing that they are stronger together than either one is separately. Regardless of details, their day will be perfect because they get to be married to each other.

first communion jessica ~So to my wonderful daughter, I want you to know that all I have ever wanted is for you to be happy and have a well lived life. I want you to believe about yourself the things I know about you. You are unique. There is no one like you. I want for you to not be afraid to give your whole heart to the man you love, it is the key to being happy in your marriage.

~To Jessica and Ethan, here is my practical advice. Love each other. Treat each other with respect. Dance around your apartment. Talk to each other. Listen. Compromise. Remember how you felt at this moment. And if you ever have a dispute that you can’t seem to resolve, get naked.

And always remember that I love you with all my heart. It is an honor to be your mother.

Happy Wedding Day Jessica and Ethan!

Love,

Robin

Something old, something new…

Posted on March 10, 2014 by rangotti

I had two times this week that my mind was blown.

Even though I am 50 years old and not a “digital native”, I am still pretty competent in the use of technological tools. I am a “digital immigrant”, meaning that I remember a time before mainstream digital devices when communication was primarily face-to-face, via telephone, or handwritten letters. So even though I can use technology, I find that interacting with younger “digital natives” helps me to understand new social and emotional paradigms for using those technologies.

From some internet discussion forums I belong to, I know that real friendship can grow from online communities where people never have met in person. I have met some of my most trusted friends online. And it isn’t just that we established a friendship online, that happens all the time, it is that we maintain friendships in a online space. That is a powerful shift in human interactions. But until the other night, what I had never considered is that intimate relationships in the digital age can also be sustained online.

The other night I went to a goodbye party for my friend Kare who lives in Germany now. He came to the states to snowboard and on his last night here we met for beer. I had a great conversation with Rachel, a woman Kare had worked with when he worked in the US and she gave me a perspective shift on intimate relationships that I had never considered. Rachel is in her mid 30s so just on the cusp of the “digital divide”. Rachel is the definition of a strong, confident, independent woman who has a stable job, disposable income, and is emotionally secure in who she is. We recognized pretty quickly that we are kindred spirits. Commiserating over beer at a local German bar in Seattle, we both described the same challenges for dating in Seattle. The Seattle dating scene (Dateless in Seattle) is pretty well documented and some even blame the tech factor for it. Rachel had a different idea about technology

We were complaining that we meet men, either in person or through online dating, that say they want a “strong, confident, independent woman”… until they actually meet one. That is when they realize that they really want a ball of fluff that is waiting for them to come home so she can fix them a sandwich and get them a beer. Yeah, that isn’t gonna happen in my world or apparently Rachel’s either. Rachel said to me, “Robin, you are not going to find a real man in Seattle, you have to go east coast”. To which I replied that I have a job and can’t move to the east coast right now. She said, you don’t have to move, just use technology. Then she told me her boyfriend lives in Pennsylvania and they have no intention of changing that situation any time soon. They talk online daily and fly to see each other regularly. Her philosophy is that, in the 21st century, relationships can be defined differently than how we traditionally have thought of them. I sat there blinking at her with the owl stare because she had just rocked my world. Wait a second, I thought…Intimate relationships can also be fostered online? Mind = blown. That totally opens the dating pool up to a wider spectrum. An interesting shift in perspective that I need to think about more. Thanks Rachel!

Later in the week, my roommate and I threw our first small house party with a few ski friends. I have to say, it was great just interacting with them again. Between laughing over Cards Against Humanity to watching the Boy Dance Party SNL skit, I Iaughed hard enough that my sides hurt and I realized how much I have missed them and love their company. At the end of the night, my roommate and I were cleaning up and I noticed that she had used an antique plate that belonged to her grandmother to serve food. When I questioned her about it, she said “what is the point of having it if it doesn’t get used?”. Again mind = blown. I was reminded of why I gave up all my stuff. The thing I realized this week is that the possessions aren’t the problem, it is the fact that for many people, they don’t use what they have. They keep the good candle, china, lingerie, clothes, or whatever it is they have in storage for a “special occasion”. Well, today is special. You woke up, you are reading this blog, you are alive. Celebrate. Break out the good _______ (fill in the blank with whatever you have hoarded away). Use it. Light candles, buy flowers, eat the good chocolate, and invite people over that you haven’t seen in awhile. Why? Well because it is Monday that is why. You don’t need a reason to live and love your life or to cultivate friendships. Cultivate those friendships like you cultivate a garden, friendship is food for your soul.

So this week I learned from something old and something new. Maybe next week, I will learn from something borrowed and something blue. I never know where life’s lessons are coming from, I just try to be open to whatever I am learning. Have a great week.

The right limit of (1 life)/x as x approaches 0 = infinity

Posted on February 28, 2014 by rangotti

Today was one of those spectacular spring days in the Pacific Northwest. The sky was this amazing shade of blue, the sun was out, it was relatively warm. It is one of those days that teases us that spring is just around the corner.

I love this time of year. It is the time of year that winter and spring war for dominion over the land so there are great swings in temperature and weather. The buds on trees are swelling with signs of the potential of new life. The deciduous trees are starting to leaf out and there are so many shades of green that it almost hurts your eyes. It is a season in which you can see the potential that the world holds, the promise of tomorrow. It makes my heart just sing.

On a day like today, I can’t stay in the house, I have to be outside. I also needed to exercise so instead of going to the gym, I ran to a nearby park that has a great jogging path around it. To get there, I had to go about a mile up a pretty busy street that has a really major hill on it. It is uphill there, downhill home. So I put my music on, went to the park, ran a few miles, enjoyed the beautiful sunshine, laughed at the unrestrained kids that wave back when I wave at them, just in absolute awe of the beauty of the distant mountains (both the Cascades and Olympics can be seen from the top of the hill) and then turned around to head home down the busy street.

On the way home, my music trifecta comes on: Good Riddance by Green Day, Learning to Fly by Tom Petty, and Wake Me Up by Avicii. They are songs that were made for moving. All of a sudden, with the sun on my face, birds singing, the glory of the big northwest evergreens all around, I just wanted to dance.

Now remember, I am walking down a really busy suburban road. When I lived on Capitol Hill in Seattle, the sight of a 50 year old crazy woman dancing down the street in her black capri leggings and a big purple University of Washington hoodie wouldn’t have even raised an eyebrow, in fact, there probably would have been people dancing with me. However, where I live now everyone drives, no one is walking down the street let alone dancing. Hmm… didn’t change anything, when it is time to dance it is time to dance. So I danced. Guess what happened? No one noticed. I didn’t even get one glance. People were so focused and in a hurry to get wherever they were going that they failed to notice a crazy woman dancing down the side of the road. The less they looked, the more outrageous I got trying to get at least one person to honk at me and smile.

Social media seems to be filled with people who are sad and lonely, people longing for simpler lives with less stress, and to have the spirit and the joy of children again. Guess what? In order to have that, you actually have to be willing to do it. You can’t say that you want a simpler life and not be willing to find the joy in simpler things, things like sunshine, fresh air, dancing, and noticing the world around us. And you can’t be restrained by being worried about what other people are going to think.

Here is my advice. Take the handsome man or beautiful woman you are with or, if you are by yourself, take the handsome man/woman that you are and go for a walk. And while you are walking, just dance, arms in the air, unrestrained by what people think, heart and senses open to the world around you. You will feel fantastic. What is the worst that can happen? People might think you are crazy? Guess what, being crazy isn’t a crime. You might make someone smile? Yeah, that would be tragic. Of course, you might make it on YouTube like this guy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSy7h3TPB-M. If you do, I will be so jealous, I couldn’t even get one person to look at me.

Tonight, I am going to Drag Queen Bingo. I am going to wear a feather boa. The great part about that is I am riding the bus. Who wants to speculate about how many pictures make it to instagram tomorrow of the crazy old woman riding the bus in a feather boa? It is going to be a hoot.

Life is short, whereas, when divided by x is infinite as x approaches 0. Go ahead, divide by zero.

Letter to my older self…

Posted on February 5, 2014 by rangotti

So many people asked me to do this that I had to comply. Last week, I wrote a letter to my younger 25 year old self of things I would want her to know from what I have learned over the last couple of decades. A lot of people asked me to do the same with my older self, that is, what I would want my older self to know. Since I am 50, I decided to write a letter to my 70 year old self. I have to admit, I struggled with this one more than the last letter. Thinking about being 70 and entering the last couple of decades of life is harder than looking back and imparting wisdom on a younger Robin with a future stretching before her. I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of getting old. When I get old and outlive my usefulness, I want to have the capacity to walk off into the wilderness where I can look up into the mountains that I love and just die. No fuss, no fanfare. Just the natural end of a life well lived.

Robin,

Wow, you’ve made it to 70. There have been many times in your life that you didn’t think you would ever see this day. Yet here you are. Hopefully, you have taken care of your health and are still active. Finally, you get to have that discounted ski pass at Stevens!!! Woot!! You’ve been waiting for that for 25 years. I hope you are still active enough to enjoy it. I hope you are skiing every weekday and get at least 50 days in.

Retirement finally came for you two years ago. I hope you stayed on track to have at least a million dollars in your retirement account. It will suck if you didn’t and you have to eat cat food to survive. My hope is that you learned from the lean years of paying off all that debt incurred during your marriage and have kept saving money. It is okay if people call you fiscally conservative or even if they call you cheap. It still beats having to survive off cat food.

I hope you kept on learning and trying new things and experiences, it is how you stay young. Try not to be like some older people and get too set in your ways. Remember Matt? Remember how much you learned from him all those years ago and the fun that you had? Don’t forget that you can learn a lot about life from people of all ages, so don’t be the old fuddy-duddy who thinks they have all the answers and won’t listen to anyone else, especially younger people. Be open, listen, learn.

And don’t forget, if you are lonely and think no one comes to see you, then get off your ass and go to see them. People want you to care about their interests, they want you to be interested in their lives and what they are passionate about. Go to your grandchildren’s games, graduations, weddings… call them, listen to them, make time for them. Don’t just sit around and bemoan that no one wants to visit with you because if you do, guess what will happen? No one will want to be around you. If you want people to be interested in your life, you have to start by being interested in theirs.

The twin granddaughters are about 23 now, graduated from college. Hopefully, you kept your word and have been taking them on trips every year to show them how big the world is and that you made that same commitment with your other grandchildren you had too. I hope you took them to Nepal, Africa, Myanmar, South America and let them see some of the remote places of the world. I hope you took them diving, paragliding, cycling, and I really hope you taught them how to ski. A great graduation trip might be a ski trip to the Alps or to Whistler where you can rent a nice apartment and your old lady self can go to bed early and where the grandkids can stay up and party all night. Remember that experiences are worth more than stuff, spend your money and time having experiences with them. It is the best legacy you could leave them.

I hope you are living in a place where it is easy to get around. A nice, one bedroom condo in an urban area. Easy to clean and you can spend your time going to the theater and concerts and have adventures easily. That way you can give up the drivers license and still have your freedom. Give up the driver’s license before you don’t want to, that way it isn’t an issue for your kids having to take it away from you. Make plans for the last years of your life. Pick out the retirement community and assisted living facility you want to be in now. You’ve worked your whole life to take care of your family, take care of them now by making those decisions for yourself while you still can so that you won’t be a burden to them in a few years.

The end of your life is coming. Just like with the rest of your life, you get to choose how you face it. Face it with grace, courage, and dignity. Choose to live your life on your terms, each day giving your best, caring for the people in your life, and remembering how much you are loved. Choose to keep having amazing adventures and always be thankful for how great your life has been. It truly has been an incredible ride.

No regrets, just go enjoy the sunset of your life.

Robin

The 8 boxes…

Posted on December 15, 2013 by rangotti

Yesterday, I unpacked my suitcase for the first time since May. It was bittersweet, I hadn’t expected the mix of emotions it would bring. As I unpacked and put my stuff away in a new house, new room, I couldn’t help but remember my last apartment and the last time my clothes hung in a closet. I was a little overwhelmed by all the changes.

I think that not having a home to come back to made my time travelling both physically simple yet emotionally challenging at the same time. Travelling and knowing you have a familiar and comfortable place to come back to is very different from returning home to the unknown of having to find a place to live. Add on the fact that I gave up all my stuff, an act which was both freeing and yet again, ridiculously challenging emotionally, and it made coming home and unpacking my clothes this surreal experience. And yes, I found a great house and a super roommate. Now I just have to adjust to a totally new life.

For those of you that haven’t read the back story, when I gave up my apartment in May and then started traveling in June, rather than put things in storage for a year, I reduced all of my possessions from the last 50 years of my life to 8 boxes, my checked bag of clothes and a carry on, and some gear stored at a friends house (thanks Jason!). It was the hardest thing I have ever done. At least, it was the hardest thing I have ever done…until now.

Yesterday, I opened one of the 8 boxes. I had thought that it would be a fun adventure to see what I had saved. Instead, it felt more like opening Pandora’s Box. The box I happened to open had pictures of my kids, a wood bowl that my uncle made, a ceramic heart that my daughter made when she was in elementary school, a box my son brought back from Australia when he was a teenager. Similar to the experience of hanging my clothes in the closet, it was like a blast of memories rising up out of the cardboard. I took out the big pieces and set them on a shelf in my room and then closed the box without going through the pictures. I didn’t open the other boxes yet.

Today, my roommate and I are going to put up a Christmas tree. I took out the two boxes of ornaments that I had saved. Everyone that knows me, knows how much I used to love the spirit of Christmas. Those ornaments represent 50 years of family holiday memories. I have to admit, I am not sure I can open the boxes.

So what is my problem? I had this amazing experience over the past 6 months. I am a different person. I shed the memories of the past and stepped into my present and hopefully my future. I am happy and moving on. The problem is, I don’t want to go back to revisit the past at all, I want to avoid thinking about it and just continue on with my happy life. It isn’t that I want to erase it or forget it, it is all part of what made me who I am. I just want to keep moving forward. But there is one thing I know for certain, when something feels difficult and I don’t want to do it, that is the very thing that I need to do the most. The hard things show me what I still need to work on. Hmm it might be time for some brutal honesty here Robin. I hate it when I have to really reach inside for the hard emotional stuff. Okay here goes…

So I am looking at those boxes and part of me wishes I hadn’t saved anything… and that feels like a betrayal to all the people who gave things to me. For example, in one of those packing crates are the Shaker boxes that my dad made me before he died and I should feel excited to open them up. But instead, I am torn. On one hand, I have these possessions that have memories of the people I love attached to them, possessions like Shaker boxes and ceramic hearts from people like my dad or my kids. On the other hand, I have the memories and the love of the people, I don’t need “stuff” to feel that. In fact, somehow the “stuff” diminishes from that love. I guess what is confusing me is that, in the last 6 months, I have felt the love of the people in my life in a really powerful way and that couldn’t have happened with possessions detracting and getting in the way.

I guess when all the possessions in my life had been stripped away and all I had was the love of my family and friends, my whole life was just clearer and uncluttered. The love I experienced over the last half year felt like the pure essence of what we are as human beings. I want to make sure that I don’t lose that feeling in the trappings of “stuff” again. That is really what I am scared of. Because material things, even handmade Shaker boxes made with love from my dad, can never replace the time spent with the people I love and who love me. So even though I have those boxes, they aren’t more valuable than all the memories or the time I spent with my dad when he was alive. The mementos and things I have from my children aren’t anything compared to the time I have spent with them and the love that we share.

I guess I have come to understand how much of a distraction all the stuff we have really is. Obtaining and caring for possessions, working to pay for them, using them to substitute for emotions, buying things to fill voids in our lives, all those things distract us from what is really important in life which is loving the people in our lives and spending time with them. That is the greatest lesson I have learned and I never want to forget it again. That is what I don’t want to go back to. Ever.

So I guess I am scared that opening those boxes and reattaching to things will distract me from putting my emphasis on people. Today, opening those ornaments, is going to be a challenge, but I have to do it. Avoidance is never a solution. I just need to breathe, stay present, be aware and I can totally do this.

Saying thank you

Posted on December 10, 2013 by rangotti

When I was mired in my life-altering changes of moving 3000 miles away from my support system and getting divorced, I found keeping a “thank-you” journal useful in helping me see the world from a positive perspective rather than succumbing to negative thoughts. At the end of every day, I would write down 5 things I was thankful for. It was difficult when I first started but as I kept up the habit, I found that I would be mindful about things throughout the day that I was thankful for so that I had 5 things to write in my journal at night. It helped me to learn to be thankful for the small everyday moments that I sometimes took for granted.

Recently, I had the privilege and pleasure of visiting with my friend Marvin and his lovely wife Naomi in Boston. Marvin is one of my imaginary internet friends from my cycling forum and a teammate from Team Collin. I am always thankful for my internet friends and don’t tell them enough what they mean to me. They are men and women who have encouraged me, listened to me cry (virtually), stuck with me during the dark times, and helped me become the woman I am. Just like with any large group, you become closer to some people than you are to others. Those I am close to, I trust without question. Marvin is one of those people. He has stood by me even when I have tried to push away his friendship, listened with unconditional acceptance, given me fantastic advice, made me laugh, and is one of those rare people of impeccable integrity and honor. His lovely wife is just as amazing, intelligent, thoughtful and accepting as he is and I felt honored to finally meet her and get to know her. She is as fabulous as he has described.

Marvin and Naomi let me stay at their home and showed me the depth of their loving hospitality and I hope to return the favor someday when they come to Seattle. We had great conversations and fantastic food. Although I am a hopeless insomniac, I felt so comfortable at their home, I slept better than I have since I visited Len and Ella (also imaginary internet friends) last summer. I can’t thank them enough for all that they gave me.

Marvin and my other internet friends remind me of my brothers who are also men of incredible honor and integrity just like our dad was, it was how we were raised. I am currently staying at the home of my brother Rod and my beautiful sister-in-law Ada. Again, they have offered me their hospitality, warmth, acceptance and love. I can’t thank them enough. My sister-in-law also happens to be the best massage therapist I have ever had. She has such a depth of knowledge of her craft and can reduce me to feeling like an unraveled mitten in no time. Total bliss. Thanks Ada!

Aside from being blessed by their generosity, because I visited them back-to-back, I noticed the similarities in both Marvin & Naomi’s relationship and Rod & Ada’s. I was thankful to have the opportunity to watch both of these long term couples interact and it has given me insight into my relationships. There are few key elements in their relationships and the way they treat each other that stood out to me. In no particular order, these include respect, laughter, affection, appreciation/value, and trust:

Respect. Whether it is choosing a movie for date night or supporting the other in going back to get a massage therapy license, each of these two couples respected their partner’s opinion. There was no competition, no belittling, just an acceptance of the other as an equal being worthy of respect and working together as a team.
Laughter. They tease each other, laugh at each other’s foibles, and they know that the teasing from their partner is with love and free of malice. They have fun together.
Affection. They hold hands, look into each other’s eyes, stop to hug each other. There is a communication between them that requires no words. Daily intimacy is key in keeping their relationships alive.
Appreciation and value. They appreciate what the other does and value what they bring to their lives. Whether it is making dinner, doing laundry, giving a massage, allowing an out-of-town friend or relative to come visit, … whatever. Each partner, without the other present, would talk about how much they appreciate their mate, how being with them makes their lives better, and what a good person he/she is.
Trust. They trust each other with a tangible, fundamental trust that can’t be described. It is the backbone of their healthy relationships.

There are more intangibles that I can’t describe, these couples have been together for a long time, but those are the things that really struck me. And their relationships hold a mirror up for me for all my relationships, not just romantic ones. The people I keep in my life are people I respect and who show me respect in return. They are people who I can laugh and have fun with. They are people that give affection and who appreciate and value what I bring to their lives and in whom I value in return and who outwardly show that value and appreciation. They are people I can trust. Those things are all necessary elements of healthy relationships.

Reflecting on that made me feel pretty good about the relationships I have been cultivating. For a long time, I felt I had to be liked by everyone. I put everyone’s needs ahead of my own and would keep giving my heart to relationships with people that really weren’t into having a reciprocal relationship with me. That mentality allowed me to be taken advantage of in some pretty extreme ways. Now, basking in the love of the healthy relationships I have, it is easy to see how much my current relationships enrich my life and how destructive those former relationships were.

So thank you to Marvin & Naomi and Rod & Ada for allowing me to glimpse your lives. And thank you to all my wonderful friends and family. I appreciate you. You all add tremendous value to my life.

Finding the lesson

Posted on November 16, 2013 by rangotti

Thanks to Matt (the other one) for the guest blog post. Between the inconsistent internet in Nepal and traveling, I have had trouble keeping up with blogging so I really appreciated him stepping in. I especially want to say to Matt, thank you for speaking from your heart. It is hard to let yourself be vulnerable and write what you feel for the internet to see. It is like exposing your insides. It takes courage and authenticity. You did it very well. If I haven’t said it before, thank you for your support during that time in my life. I am not sure how I would have done it without you. And those were my favorite shorts, btw. I can’t believe I let you talk me into getting rid of them!!!!!

I am not sure what my motivation was for going to Nepal and altering my trip to Spain, I guess I just reacted to an opportunity that presented itself. But whatever the motivation was, I have absolutely no regrets about going. The experience increased my confidence in myself and my ability to handle most situations calmly and without worrying and for that alone, it would have been worth it. To go with no plan and just take life’s experiences as they happened was a very eye opening experience for someone who has always been a planner. It was totally spontaneous and joyful.

This post was going to be about all that I learned in Nepal. Yet just typing that last paragraph made me think about my former marriage. Maybe there is a lesson I am supposed to be learning that I haven’t seen yet. It is interesting, when we went to marriage therapy, my ex and I had to meet with the marriage therapist and we had to tell him our goals for therapy, i.e. what we hoped to get out of it. My ex’s goal was for me to be more spontaneous. I think this trip shows that I have pretty much reached that goal. My goal was to have a partner, someone who would be honest with me about the good and the bad, letting me help in times of struggle and celebrate his successes in times of joy. Someone who wouldn’t just run away and check out like he did when things were hard, because he was too intimidated by my success to tell me of his troubles. That still holds true of what I want in a partner today. A partnership is about communicating the good and the bad to your mate, letting them see who you are, letting them stand beside you, supporting each other in all things, cheering each other on, encouraging each other. At least that is what a partnership means to me.

After typing all that, I was going to rewrite this post with its intended focus of all the great things I learned from my trip. It is not quite 5 am here in Barcelona and it is pouring outside, I am a little sick and a little jet-lagged. And it just hit me that it is Nov 17. Five years ago on this day, a judge signed a decree and pronounced me a single woman after being happily married over half my life.

Letting go is hard. That is my lesson for today.

A new day

Posted on October 28, 2013 by rangotti

Port de Sollar, Majorca

I left Mallorca and flew to Madrid. All of a sudden, instead of being surrounded by British, Irish, Scottish, and German tourists, I have been plunged into the heart of Spain where very little English is spoken. In fact, I think I spent the entire day yesterday without hearing English spoken at all. I read Spanish pretty well, as long as I don’t try to open my mouth. The only place I got into trouble was in the supermarket when the clerk was trying to get me to give him a penny to even up my total. He was talking so fast that by the time I figured out what he wanted, he was just giving me my change and was obviously frustrated with me.

Instead of staying in a hotel, I used airbnb.com to find an apartment in central Madrid. Lovely one bedroom overlooking a pedestrian only side street. In the US, many people put shutters on their houses for decoration. In Europe the shutters actually work and serve purposes. They keep the sun out, but more importantly, they are a noise barrier against the street noises. It definitely can get loud at night. Even as I write this at 9 am from my apartment which is technically on the 4^th floor, but actually the 5^th floor and you have to climb 7 flights of stairs to get to it, I can hear the Spanish men who are opening their shops below and they are in a heated discussion about something. I love their passion. They are passionate about everything. It is wonderful.

Poseidon

Yesterday I went to the Prado museum and today went to the Museo Thyssen-Bornemisza. I honestly was so overwhelmed. There was a Velasquez exhibit at the Prado as the temporary collection which was incredible. It was amazing to see this huge body of work from an artist who lived centuries ago. I kept wondering how fast this person painted because he had hundreds of works. And they aren’t small either. There were many paintings that graced the royal palace and took up entire walls. How with the “technology” he had to work with then, such as making his own paints, did he ever have time to paint all that? In the regular collection at the Prado and the MTB hang masterpieces of not only Velasquez but also Goya, Caravaggio, Rembrandt, Botticelli, Monet, Gauguin, Degas and many many more. Works that span 1000 years that were commissioned by kings and churches. Amazing works of art that depict the faces and emotions of people long dead as they faced the common struggles that all humans face.

Rembrandt

That is the thing about great art…it captures that instant of emotion. A scene, even without people, that uses light to give the viewer an image or a second of a glimpse into time, and it takes your breath away. Good photography is the same, it captures pure emotion, either within the faces of the people in the picture or in the hearts of the viewer. Great art just takes the artist longer to capture that essence. They didn’t have digital back in antiquity, they didn’t even have an art store to buy supplies but had to make their own. It took months of scraping canvases, painting and repainting to get it right. Masterpieces.

A House Among the Roses ~Monet

The past two days, I have been honored to stand in the same room with these paintings. I grew up in a middle class household in a small town in rural interior Maine. In my life, I never thought I would be privileged enough to be able to see works of art such these. I think of all the people who will never get to step inside a museum, who might see art from the web or a book, but never have the opportunity to travel to place where their senses are bombarded with piece after piece of some of the most amazing works of art of the planet. And from a photo, there is no way one can grasp the texture of the brushstrokes, or the essence of the painting. I ended up being moved to tears at the privilege of seeing these amazing works with my own eyes.

I am also fortunate to have the experience I get to have. There are so many people who will never get to hear to tolling of bells to greet the day, or hear only a language different from their own spoken, where they have to figure out how to negotiate without words, or try to figure out where they are on a foreign street in an unfamiliar city, to be immersed in a culture that is foreign to realize how much we really are all the same. Human.

Even on streets of Madrid with a different language and culture, emotion comes through unmistakably. Laughter, friendship, joy, grief, sadness, anger…all are displayed everywhere. The love of parent for a child, a young couple newly married, friends meeting for tapas. Unmistakable. Poverty also knows no cultural barriers, beggars, prostitutes, pick-pockets look the same in every culture. Just like great art shows emotion, we can also see it if we just take time to look around at our fellow man. Human beings are fragile, life is to be cherished for the gift that it is.

I am thankful for everything that has happened in my life that has pushed me to this place right now. I am thankful that I had the courage to try again. I truly have the best life ever and I appreciate it every day.

And happy birthday to my wonderful son. I am too young to be the mother of a 32 year old. I love you Patrick.

Stop being a sissy-pants

Posted on October 7, 2013 by rangotti

“At times the world may seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough, and what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps of a journey.” ~Lemony Snicket

Me & The Luddite

I love having older brothers. I am the youngest of seven siblings. I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters. My dad remarried when I was an older teen so I also have four lovely step-sisters but I don’t know them as well. Last week, my brother phoned me after his wife told him about my blog (my brother is a bit of a Luddite who eschews technology). He called to be supportive and his first attempt at that was to tell me to stop being a sissy-pants. When I started laughing, he clarified with “or I just wanted to call and make you laugh”.

I liked candles

My family has the best sense of humor ever. I can’t sit in a room with them and come out with my sides not aching from laughing so hard. And laughter really is the best medicine. I don’t know where I would be without them because through everything, I know my family is there for me. Those roots run deep. We have had our fights. My brothers burned my hair off when I was a little girl by making some concoction in the kitchen while they were babysitting and trying to get me to eat it by putting a candle in it. That didn’t end so well for me. My sister and I traded fisticuffs over the use of the bathroom in the morning before school. But no matter how angry we might get with each other, no matter how long we go without speaking to each other, I know that at any moment if I was in trouble and really needed them, they would be there for me, to pick me up and dust me off when I get knocked down.

Payback for calling me a sissy-pants. I could have posted a much much dorkier picture

After talking with my brother awhile, he reminded me that this sabbatical was an adventure and that there was no wrong way to do it. When I told him that one of the things I was really struggling with was having nowhere that was my own, that I was tired of packing and repacking a suitcase, of not having anywhere to just feel like myself, he again told me not to be a sissy-pants. He reminded me that the challenges were what made the best stories and they are also where the deep learning happens. He reminded me to focus on what I am learning instead of focusing only on what I am frustrated with and to write down those lessons.

I have been learning about the possessions that I truly miss and the ones that were superficial and I know I can live without once this sabbatical is over and I do have a house again. I have been learning about what is really important in life…people and experiences. And most importantly, I have been learning how to focus on myself and about what it really means to take care of myself since I don’t have a home to hide out in. I have to keep myself out in the world which means I can’t afford to slack off, I have do the things that I know keep me centered, it isn’t an option anymore. This is probably the most important lesson I have needed to learn for much of my life, how to take care of myself before taking care of everyone else. I think at the end of this year that is the biggest gift I will have from this experience.

Life now is really just me and a couple of bags of clothes. When talking to my brother that fact hit me, not as an esoteric concept but finally in full brutal reality. Realizing that all the other extraneous stuff of my life has been stripped away, it was one of those moments where I wanted to say “DOH, of course that would be hard”. Once I had that epiphany, it has been a whole lot easier to accept everything and to just flow with it. It has made it easier to accept of the circumstances in which I am living, which by my own admission was my choice, I don’t want to give anyone the idea that I am blaming anyone else. This was a choice and I haven’t been so sure it was the right one until now. I guess I have finally reached the point where I accept that I am on an adventure, not a vacation, and it isn’t supposed to be comfortable.

My favorite quote is by Theodore Roosevelt. It is the “Man in the Arena” quote:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Brene Brown, in an interview with Oprah, said there are two things you need to have to go into the arena. You need someone to be there to pick you up and dust you off when you get your butt kicked, because you will get your butt kicked. And the second thing is, you need absolute clarity of values. Because if you go into the arena and you value courage, then you can choose courage or you can choose comfort but you cannot have both. If you choose courage and you have conviction, even if you fail and get your butt kicked and get pushed to the ground in the arena, you will still know why you are there.

Family vacation

So today, I have both of those things. I have family and friends who I know will be there to pick me up and dust me off when I get kicked to the ground. And I have absolute clarity of values. I value courage over all other virtues. In six days, I leave to go cycling in Spain where I am sure I will get my butt kicked. Today I say: Bring it on.

PS: I have spent the days since my last blog doing pretty well, getting enough sleep, eating right, exercising, spending time with friends and I am feeling much better. Not perfect, but better. Centered and more like my typically exuberant self. Thanks everyone for all the kind words and support.

The Gift

Posted on September 20, 2013 by rangotti

On Monday, I will be 50 years old. It is one of those milestone birthdays that, until yesterday, was bothering me a bit. Yesterday, I got it all sorted out in my mind. Everyone keeps asking me lots of questions like where am I staying, what am I going to do now, what I want for a present for my birthday, and what I want to do on my birthday. I hope this post will answer those questions.

Sometimes, life is pretty incredible. When I got home from Whistler, I sent a message to my friend Matt‘s girlfriend Amanda about needing my car. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew that the car is all I have left. I was going to get in it and just start driving. That isn’t what I wanted to do, I just didn’t know anything else to do. Since Matt was in South America indefinitely, I didn’t expect to see him. Then Amanda said the most amazing thing. She said, “I am picking Matt up a the airport at 10 pm tonight, I know he has been thinking about you and wants to see you”. I lost it and just started crying. I hadn’t realized until that moment that what I needed more than anything else in the world was the support of my friend. It just happened that I was back at the same time that he came home for a week before he leaves again for Asia.

Sunrise from the deck

Here is the amazing part. He picked me up when I got off my bus and we went and talked. He should have been spending time with his family, but instead he is letting me cry all over him. He had already checked with his roommates and they offered me a place to stay in this gorgeous house, with a fabulous gourmet kitchen and a great view of Seattle. They offered me comfort, compassion, and safety. They are certainly some of the most chill people I have met in Seattle. They made me feel immediately welcomed and at home. How did I get so fortunate? I have to be the most blessed person on the planet. Seriously. I spent Wednesday reconnecting with my friends Maurea, Melinda, Deloa and Larry. They took time out of their schedules to make me feel valued and loved.

Yesterday, Matt and I went hiking up Tiger Mountain. He was going to paraglide down, I just hiked down. After a lovely hike up with time to talk to my friend, on the way down I got some solo time to think about everything. I decided to take sabbatical in very small steps. I want to finish a paper and a grant I am working on so I need two weeks in one place to work. So I am staying in Seattle until October 1 (thanks Jeff and Elle for letting me crash at your house). Then I just need a short adventure. So I am going back to the original plan and taking off for a month in Spain, cycling Mallorca getting back in time for Thanksgiving with my children. I am not planning on any other activities, just getting up every day and cycling and then enjoying the Spanish culture in the evenings. I need some time on my bike. After that, I don’t know yet and I am not going to plan anything.

On the way home from the mountain, Matt (who is still just 25 years old) was being his usual silly self. I was laughing, the sun was shining, we were just being goofy, I felt like I was kid. At that moment it hit me what a true healing gift his friendship has been to me. I have had a lot of trauma in my life. From the time I was 10 years old, I didn’t have a normal childhood. I grew up very fast and took on lots of responsibility. There was never any of that carefree playtime. Steadfastly, over the last 6 years of our friendship, through the trauma of divorce, the exploitation of my former therapist, the betrayal of a false friend, through a mountain of debt, tenure & promotion, deaths, births, marriages…all of it, Matt has loved me unconditionally. I am 25 years his senior, a female, not that athletic, and still he has dragged me on more adventures, taken the time to get to know and understand me on a level that no one else ever did. He doesn’t judge or belittle, but just truly accepts me as I am and encourages me to be my best. He teaches me how to be spontaneous, to take risks, and to just play knowing that I have the security of his love and caring as a safety net. For the first time in my whole life since I was 10 years old, yesterday, I felt healed and whole. So for my birthday, I have already received my gift.

Sunset overlooking the Olympic Mountains and Queen Anne

I don’t need physical gifts, I don’t even have a house. The gift I get from all the people in my life is the gift of their love and acceptance. What more do I need? I have so many amazing friends that I am rich beyond measure and that can never be measured in physical things. Life is short and sweet. I am entering the sunset of my life, the last 30 years. I believe our lives and the legacy we leave behind will be known by the love we have shared during our time on this planet.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~Maya Angelou

P.S. This seems like a good post for a Stevie Nicks song.

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