Author Archives: rangotti

The Best Way to Get Over a Man…

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I have the best group of ski friends ever. I mean seriously ever. They are not only some of the best skiers I know, but they are real, authentic, loyal, smart, etc. The thing I like best about them is that there is little subterfuge. They keep it real and don’t bullshit around. We talk about love, pain, joy, triumph, despair, sex, men, children, relationships…the whole gamut of emotions and situations that life throws at you. There are no boundaries or forbidden conversations and we can all be as crazy as we need to be with each other. ski freinds

One of them, when she was recently out of a pretty traumatic relationship, told me something I would never forget. We were talking about men and how hard it was to let go of relationships that we had really wanted and expected to work out. She said “I have learned something from my most recent breakup. I learned that the easiest way to get over a man is to spend 24 hours in lock up”. Yeah…that would probably do it for me too.

The problem is our expectations. I truly expected to be married forever. I had dreams of dancing at my grandchildren’s weddings with my ex and being that last couple standing when they do the dance with married couples and keep having people sit down depending on the length of their marriage. The couple that is married the longest is the last couple standing. Watching that dance still gets me every time.

The past couple of days have been spent saying goodbye to some of my best friends. As usual, we had a grand time. Today, sad and lonely, I have accomplished absolutely nothing. Not only have I not packed anything, I have to go teach class and I was going to ride in, here it is 12:40 and I am still in my PJs so it doesn’t look like I am going to get any cycling done either. I have been surfing the web, thinking about cycling in Spain on my birthday.

And that might be why I am in the doldrums, my birthday. I just don’t want to spend another birthday alone. And this is my 50th. Again, I think back to the expectations my ex and I had for our 50ths with the kids grown and gone, what we were going to do together…and here I am doing it alone. A friend of mine once said “there is alone, and then there is ALONE”.

My girlfriends’ advice was to ask someone to go with me. I have asked a couple of people if they wanted to come with me and both had exceptional reasons for why they couldn’t go. At 50, most of my friends work, have young kids, responsibilities, etc. They just can’t take off for a cycling holiday in Europe. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me that I have to do this alone. I don’t know…I just know that today is one of those days where I am questioning my resolve.

Maybe I need to watch this again, about 50 times. http://weliveunbound.com/

Robin, you have to rewrite your hard drive. ~Matt

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Those words weren’t spoken of a computer, Matt told me that one day when I was in an endless loop of thought, holding onto memories of a failed relationship.  I told him I didn’t know how to stop and he said, “Robin, you have to rewrite your hard drive.  You have to replace the memories with new experiences, things, and relationships.”

We all do it,  we get stuck in a pattern of thinking. We go through the “what ifs”…what if I had been more accommodating, a better wife/mother/teacher/friend, hadn’t become angry, saved more money, staying in school, what if…  You can fill in your own blank on whatever you ruminate about.

The reality is that life, right now at this moment, is exactly as it should be. All of our experiences, good and bad, have brought us to this moment.  And all the rumination in the world isn’t going to change that.  We are here, now.  The past is the past.  The problem is that the memories and the emotions surrounding past experiences paralyze us and we fixate on them.  We think back to when times were good and we long for them.  We get caught up in the mistakes we made and regret them.  We can’t seem to let go.  So the question is what do we do when where we are today isn’t where we want to be?  What happens when we are assailed with memories that make us uncomfortable?  We have to rewrite our hard drives of our brains with a new script which means seeking out new people and adventures.

We don’t just hold those memories in our heads, we hold them in our possessions also. I am trying to reduce my life to a bag of clothes and a bike.  I do have a little room in my office for a few boxes for storage and I am determined not to pay for additional storage.  So I am condensing 49 years into the 6-8 small boxes I have allowed myself to keep.  It means sifting through all of my possession and considering whether it is really important to me or not. I have been amazed at how many emotions we attach to our possessions.

chinaToday, I was packing my mother’s china. It is a set of china that she got when she married my dad so it is pretty old.  My mind immediately went back to all the holiday celebrations we had as a family growing up when mom would get out the “good china”.  I used the same china for my own family.  Over the years a piece or two has been broken.  I was carefully wrapping it up and at the same time asked myself…why am I saving this?  It has no value to anyone else.  My kids won’t want it after I am gone, it isn’t that attractive. What makes it hard to let it go are those memories.

That made me think back to other things that I have either lost or let go of in the past and I realized, I have replaced them with new things and new memories.  I realized that Matt was right.  I have rewritten the hard drive. There wasn’t one thing I have let go of that I regretted giving up.  It is just stuff and getting rid of it means my kids won’t have to sort through it after I am gone.

People are harder to shed.  I know that I will never see some of the people I am saying goodbye to again.  Life moves on and so will they.  And there is no way to tell which relationships will survive my leaving and which won’t. So, just like with the possessions, I thought about other people who have come and gone from my life.  All of them have enriched my life in some way, taught me, and helped me grow.  Even the relationships that turned out badly taught me something.  So even though I may think back fondly to times I  shared with people or think angry thoughts of a situation where I was taken advantage of, I do not regret having let people into my life for a time.  Each of those experiences has brought me to where I am today.  And tomorrow I will rewrite the hard drive with new experiences, people, places, and things.

The universe is exactly as it should be.

“I stuck” ~Brooklyn

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spring-17

That is my two year old granddaughter’s favorite thing to say, “I stuck”.  She will say it whether she is really stuck or not.

Sabbatical…a whole year off from work to stretch my creativity, travel, and explore some of the things I have never had time to do in life. A grand adventure, giving up all your worldly goods and just going with no agenda, no plans, just going wherever the whim strikes you.  Everyone tells me they are jealous and that they wish they could do it.  So why aren’t they?

Because it is damn hard that is why.

Amazingly, I am handling the fear of the unknown pretty well and the ambiguity of it all.  My struggle has come in feelings of worthiness.  What did I do to earn this amazing opportunity?  And it seems like daily, some other wonderful thing is heaped onto me…adding to my guilt about it all and miring me in my inability to embrace it fully.

I am a person who has spent my whole life fighting for everything I have. From being on welfare as an unwed teenage mother to putting myself through college and becoming a tax-paying member of society, I have fought this uphill battle from a place of never having or “being” enough.  My whole life has been focused toward overcoming obstacles.  So now that there aren’t any obstacles, I am stuck.

I guess it is about abundance.  All my life has been life from a deficit and all of a sudden, I have an abundance of everything.  My life is mine to choose what to do and where to go.  I was blessed with intelligence, tenacity, a small amount of courage, and compassion. I have my health, a great job, and people who love me. I can do anything I want.  And that is why I am stuck.

For me, I know how to live a life of scarcity, it is easy to walk that road, it is harder to accept that I have these opportunities and to not feel guilty like I haven’t done anything to deserve them. Or even worse, that I am not worthy of having things work out well for me.  I am struggling with accepting a life of abundance and embracing it.  “I stuck”.

National Coat Night

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I am getting rid of everything I own.  That fact has been paralyzing to me. Well, not everything, a girl can’t part with her gear…one has to have priorities.  But I am trying to take everything else I have an reduce it to 1 bag of clothes and a bike. This is made harder by training for a summit of Kilimanjaro, that in itself takes a bag a clothes.

While I was going through a closet tonight, I realized how many coats I have.  But the shocking part was how many of them that I haven’t worn in the past 2-3 years.  So why do I still have them?  There are people I see on the street in the winter who are in coats not nearly as warm as these are, yet I am hoarding them in my closet.  Why?  And I would bet that most of you have at least one coat like that too.  So why don’t we have a National Coat Night?  One night where we all take 30 minutes and go through our closets and get all the coats we haven’t worn in 2-3 years and donate them. Then they could either go to citizens of this country who are down or their luck or people from other countries who are not so well off as this one. Everyone deserves to be warm.

Just be sure to check the pockets. I found that I have an affinity for chapstick.  There was  some in at least half of the jackets I have.

“Robin, you can TOTALLY do this.” ~Matt

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One of the best gifts I have ever received from the universe is the friendship of Matt.  We are the most unlikely of friends. I met him when I was a 44 year old, recently separated woman.  He was a 19 year old college student and our relationship has never been anything but platonic. I am convinced that every woman, struggling with the crushing emotional loss of a long term relationship needs to find a “Matt”, a kid that can teach her how to play again after a lifetime of responsibility.

Matt challenges me to do things I never would have attempted. He usually prefaces those challenges with “Robin, you can totally do this”.  However, those words usually don’t end well for me.  I am usually upside down or physically in harm’s way with Matt having to save me time and time again. But those words have precipitated some of the great stories of my life.   Stories that end with Matt saying “damn it Robin” :).

The first time I heard those words was when Matt wanted to me to kayak the Wenatchee. We were going to go on this overnight camping trip with a couple of other friends and go kayaking.  I had only been whitewater kayaking twice in my life.  Matt says “Robin you can totally do this. Fat guys in inner tubes and drinking beer do this.”  While that was technically true, Matt failed to mention that the fat guys do that when the Wenatchee is running at 1000 cfs whereas I was going to kayak it when it was above 10,000 cfs.

About 10 minutes into the run and I realized I didn’t belong on that river.  The third time Matt fished me out after I panicked and swam, we were standing on the side of the river and Matt starts explaining what I need to differently. The conversation went like this:  Robin (eerily calm): “I am not getting back in that boat.”  Matt: “It will take you hours to walk out of here.”  Robin (voice rising): “I don’t care if it takes me all damn day, I am not getting back in that boat!” Matt: “You will never get the boat out of here.” Robin (voice getting louder on the edge of hysteria): “The boat can sit right there and rot, I am NOT getting back in that boat!!” Oliver: “Just let her calm down a minute.” Robin (YELLING): “YOU CAN LET ME CALM DOWN ALL YOU WANT, I AM NOT GETTING BACK IN THAT BOAT!!!”  The end of the story, of course, is that, I did get back in the boat and finished the run and at the end Matt says “Damn it Robin.”  I have heard those words a lot in the 6 years that I have been friends with Matt.

I realized from that experience that life is a lot like kayaking.  There are a lot of people who spend their whole lives standing on the banks and watching other people have the fun of the experience.  But the fun starts where the water is moving, just like life starts where the water is moving.  In the moving water is the edge of fear and the unknown, where your heart starts pumping and you realize you are totally alive, focused in the moment.

But sometimes, life gives you rapids, challenging times that upset the peaceful floating along.  Then balance, as well as good paddling skills, become very important. Life is simpler if you keep the boat upright.  But sometimes, the rapids are too strong, life throws something at you that flips you upside down. At that moment, you need to have great self-rescue skills because you are always safer if you can stay in the boat and roll yourself up.  But sometimes, the rapids of life get too big and you have to pull the skirt and swim.  At that moment, you need great safety boaters who will pull you out of the water and get you safely to the shore.  Everyone needs great safety boaters in their lives because we all have times that we can’t do it alone.

And for those of us who are really really lucky, we will have a safety boater in our lives that doesn’t just pull us out, they take the time to convince us to get back in the boat.  Because life happens where the water is moving, it isn’t a spectator sport.  Having someone who will get you to reengage when you want to check out is the greatest gift any of us will ever have.

Thanks Matt for convincing me to get back in the boat.

The Lounge

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For the past couple of years, I have participated on a cycling forum called Road Bike Review.  Specifically, the forum I stayed in the most was called The Lounge.  I was drawn to it because of a desire to learn about cycling but I remained in it because of the passion, intelligence and compassion of the people who participated there.  This was a community of men and women dedicated to the sport of cycling yet the came from all walks of life, religious persuasion, and political affiliations.  They listened, truly listened to each other and respected each other’s ideas even if they ultimately didn’t agree.

The thing that captivated me about them in the beginning was how much they cared about people they had never met. They would take time to respond to the concerns of the members and give very thoughtful replies. I remember thinking, “this is an internet forum of complete strangers, yet they show more love and respect for their fellow man/woman than most people do in their face to face lives”.  And I was enchanted by them.

I came to know all the characters by they way they wrote and the stories they wove.  And I fell in love with them all.  And then I told them my darkest secrets.  Some of them couldn’t handle it, but those that could became some of the best friends I have ever had.  I joined their private group and got to know them even better. They never disappointed me.

What they did for me was to help me become strong.  By their acceptance and mirroring for me the type of person I want to be, I was able to try on different new identities, to discard what didn’t work and to keep what did. I was able to do that feeling safe and accepted.  Ultimately, I became the woman I am because they were in my life.  They taught me to be strong, independent, to have a voice, and to not be afraid to take what I needed. And they gave me the gift of laughter and taught me not to take life so seriously.

In December, I was getting nervous, they were too much like characters in a book and they knew most of my secrets.  I wanted to put faces to the characters so I started visiting them in person. I needed  to use my other senses and hear their voices, to look into their eyes.  I realize now that might have been a mistake on my part.  Fake internet people you can just turn off, but when they become real it means potential heartbreak.  In person, they were even more fabulous then they were online.  Their online personas only showed glimpses of their integrity, courage, tenacity, compassion, thoughtfulness, humor, and vulnerability.

I fell in love even more.  I was addicted to the forum, spending all of my time there just enjoying the intelligent debate and conversation, hopefully giving back in small ways with advice, respect, honor, and my compassion. But I knew it had to end.  I had to let them go.

The reality is that they taught me to be strong, but yet I was growing more and more dependent on them every day.  If I was truly going to stand on my own two feet and be the person I wanted to be, to mirror back to them all the qualities I saw in them, I had to let them go.  I thought I would do it at the beginning of my sabbatical, but on April 7, I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to leave if I didn’t just cut the cord.  So I left.

I miss them every day.  I miss talking to them and interacting with them. I will love them always and I know they are cheering me on.  I feel them.  My imaginary internet friends, thank you for all you have given me.

Custom Bike – Complete

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So I had a custom bike built just for me by a master frame builder. A bike that isn’t just a piece of steel, it is an extension of my body. In that bike are the years of experience from a man who has built a thousand bikes. Its form and function are flawless, no detail was overlooked. And I have to say…I love her. She is the most beautiful bike I have ever seen.

I had the privilege of learning about colors and components, and lots about accessories like bottle cages  from the builder and my imaginary internet friends both here and on Facebook. And I want to thank you all for your expertise and patience with explaining things to me. You are the best. Yesterday, I got my finished bike. And again, I got to sit down with this incredible human being that is Bill Davidson. He put my bike on the trainer and I started riding. It fit me perfectly. The only thing that needed adjusting was the handlebars. Bill (yes he fit my bike himself) had me grab for the brakes like I needed to make a very quick stop. Then he adjusted the handlebars so that there was no wasted efficiency of motion for that maneuver.

In a few weeks, I will go back in to learn how to disassemble and pack it and reassemble it when I get to my destination. For right now though, I am just going to ride it for a few weeks. Today I take my first ride, my 20 mile commute to work for a meeting and then I get to ride back home. Fortunately, it is going to be one of those rare “not rainy” Seattle winter days.

In June I will start a 15 month long sabbatical. I am giving up everything I own including my apartment. I will be homeless by choice. My bike and I are going to travel. I am going to do a system reboot of my whole life. One chapter, the chapter of the married, suburban housewife raising kids is over. Gone is the last 6 years of divorce and struggle to pay off debt. My bike is a symbol of freedom and the start to the last third of my life. I will be 50 years old in September and hopefully cycling around Europe. For me, right now, I am undefined.

bike2

Custom Bike Build – The beginning

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I travel a lot for business as well as pleasure. And there have been many times I have wished for a bike to travel with me but can’t justify the $100 charge one way for the airline fees to bring a bike with me. So, I am chatting with VaughnA and he mentions that because I have a steel bike, I could retrofit it with S&S couplers. After researching, several people had told me the best place for that in Seattle was at Elliott Bay Cycles.

So yesterday I went in there with one main question: was it better to retrofit my frame or was there any way possible to get a frame with them already built in? I knew I couldn’t afford a custom Davidson bike but was hoping to find one in the shop that I could get reasonably discounted.

I walked into Elliott Bay Bicycles and there was only one gentleman in there. I asked him about S&S couplers. He spent an hour talking to me about frames and components, asking me about what I wanted to accomplish with the bike, what kind of budget I could spend, and many more questions. He also gave me great feedback on what he thought about putting couplers on my bike or just building new.

At the end of the conversation, he said…”I make these bikes and sign my name to them, I don’t usually sell them…give me a couple of days to come up with an idea for you and we will go from there”. Wow, just freaking wow. I was talking to Bill Davidson himself. What an absolute honor and privilege to get an hour of his knowledge and insight into frame building. This guy owns a shop that sells bikes that can cost as much as $15,000 and he didn’t even chuckle at what I said my top budget was. What a fantastic human being. I left there happy for the experience but I still didn’t believe he could make a bike for me at the price I could afford.

So today, he quotes me a price that is completely within my budget. After about an hour of disbelief, I took the plunge…I went to the shop with my old bike, he took measurements, he talked to me and listened to my dreams and goals for cycling, he watched me ride, he didn’t make fun of my inexperience or belittle my goals. He understood my love of cycling and my belief that bikes have souls.

And then he made me pick out a color. And now, in a few weeks, I will have a custom built Davidson bike. I am still in shock. I keep wanting to pinch myself for fear I have woken up in someone else’s life. This kind of thing doesn’t ever happen to me.

The experience of a custom bike is different from anything else I have ever done in my life. It is totally worth every dime of the money you will spend. And I am saying that without even having the bike yet.

frame P1000743