Tag Archives: challenges

Loons, Ladders, and Funny Fish

Posted on by

tony and robinMy friend Tony is ending his sabbatical year as I am starting mine. We decided to have one last hurrah together and go on vacation.  Since I am leaving for Africa in two weeks and wanted to visit my extended family, Tony came to visit them with me.  It has been quite an adventure hiking and kayaking with no internet or cell service at a lakeside cabin deep in the woods of Maine.

One of the things I love the most when I am visiting Maine is the sound of loons.  Their haunting call has affected me ever since I was little girl.  There is something so poignant and ethereal about the sound that it calls to the most unreachable places in my soul. It always makes me stop and reflect, to slow down and consider what is important in life.  There is a loon that is living near my brother’s cabin that believes the local float plane is another loon and a threat to his well-being.  So every day, when this particular float plane goes out, the loon will charge toward it in an attempt to get it to go away.  So far, the loon hasn’t been successful. When loons feel threatened, either for themselves or their family, they definitely make a ruckus and will do everything they can to fight for survival, including charging at float planes.  The phrase “crazy as a loon” comes from their erratic behavior as they ward off potential threats to their well-being.  In that, maybe they aren’t so crazy after all.   Protecting ourselves and the ones we love is the nature of all beings and many of our choices for survival stem from those very basic instincts.

Our vacation hasn’t just been filled with sleepy little Maine towns, hiking, kayaking, and loon calls. It has also been fraught with danger in the most unexpected places, like inside the cabin.  I have been sleeping in the loft.  Years ago, the permanent ladder that was constructed for the loft was taken down when the loft was closed in with a ceiling.  My brother and sister-in-law took out the ceiling and reverted the space back to a loft.  The original loft ladder is no longer there, so my brother uses a regular step-ladder.   Unfortunately, that ladder is about a foot and a half short of the actual loft floor.  Going up isn’t so bad, but the descent can be treacherous as I found out yesterday morning when I came down with one hand full of a computer and an iPad and only had one hand on the ladder.  Sure enough, one rung from the top, the ladder tips to the left as my body goes to the right and I land on the floor after bruising several extremities.  Tony, in moment of deep concern for my well-being, says “well at least you landed on your butt so didn’t hurt anything serious”.    This morning, my brother hung a sign on the ladder saying “you must be this tall to operate”…haha, very funny guys… I swear between Tony and my brother Rod picking on me, I will be “crazy as a loon” by next week.   I can’t blame anyone but myself for the ladder however.  I know better than to come down ladder holding an armful of stuff in my hands.

The other big event that happened yesterday was visiting my mother who lives in an assisted living facility that actually was repurposed from the old high school in the town where I grew up.  Just walking into that building brought back all the memories of that time in my life and of all the really bad things I did when I was in high school. It felt almost like being assaulted with memories of things I wished I didn’t ever have to remember.

As I was lying in bed last night thinking about all that, my sister-in-law showed me this funny fish that lights up with dots on the inside. It is great night light, very unique and original, just like my sister-in-law herself.  I loved it.  My brother and sister-in-law are two people who are happy and content with the choices they have made for their lives. They love where they live and are very aware of the world around them and the people in it.  I have met so many people in life that are unhappy with their choices.   People who constantly complain about where they live, what they do, who they are with…nothing is ever right for them.  At times, I have been like that myself.  I tend to be unhappy when I think that things have “happened” to me without my having any choice, when I want to blame my misfortune on others without taking personal responsibility for my own actions.   I am happy when I believe I have  power in my choices and own up to my responsibility for the decisions I make, good and bad.   All of those decisions got me to where I am at this moment.  If I don’t like where I am, if I am not happy with my relationships, job, city I live…it is in my power to change it.

Three bags and me

Posted on by

At the beginning of the week, I wondered how I was going to get my belongings condensed one last time.  I had one checked bag, one carry-on bag and two computer cases.  That is one piece too many for my airline.  Knowing I was flying out of Seattle on Friday, I dreaded the moment where I would have to figure out what to leave behind.  Finally last night, I faced it. I almost allowed myself to justify the $35 for an extra bag and then I remembered all the lessons I have learned over the last few months of culling.  I knew there was something in those bags that I didn’t really need.

So I went back to my hotel after a wonderful meal of burritos of complete with homemade tortillas and amazing refried beans (thanks Michelle) and the company of some of the best teachers in eastern Washington and I took everything out of the cases and spread it out on the floor. With each item, I asked myself the same question I asked weeks early when I was moving out of my apartment: Is this item worth taking up the space in one of the 3 remaining cases I was allowing myself?  At the end of two hours, I had one checked bag, one carry-on bag, and one computer case.  I donated a final bag to the Goodwill this morning.

And then, an amazing thing happened this morning.  I woke up, looked at those three cases, realized that by the end of today those cases and myself would all I would have to worry about.  By the end of the day, I will be homeless, carless, and on a plane to the east coast.  Three bags and me. That is it. Do you know what it felt like?  It felt like freedom.

One day, at the beginning of this, just after I had made the decision to give up all my things and reboot my life, I was stressing over everything.  Matt said to me, “Robin you are going to feel better really soon.  All that stuff is weighing you down.”  I have to admit, I didn’t believe him or any of the other people that told me that.  Now suddenly, all the things I have been stressing over aren’t making me anxious anymore.  I know that it is all going to work out. If I don’t have something I need, I realize that I can make do with what I have, even if it isn’t as convenient. What I have is enough.  I am enough.

It sometimes seems like my whole life has been preparing me for this moment.

When I think of it that way, I realize I can’t have any regrets of the difficulties and challenges that have brought me to this place, because I couldn’t be doing this without going through each one of those challenges.  And what I am doing is really amazing.  Amazing, exciting, and wonderful.  I have the best life ever.

I know that there will be challenges over the next year.  I am not thinking everything will be sunshine and roses.  But those new challenges of the next year will lay the groundwork for the next exciting lesson I will learn that will lead me to the next adventure of my life. And in each one of those adventures, there is a story.  Ultimately, just like a quilt, it is a collection stories woven together that make up our lives.

Right now, my life consists of three bags and me.

 

Defibrillator for the Soul

Posted on by
Matt getting ready to fly

Matt getting ready to fly

Sometimes, I can be a total hypocrite. It is do as I say, not as I do. As I have been getting ready to leave the country, between giving away all my possessions, applying for international visas, getting immunizations, etc.  I have been overwhelmed.  Instead of doing what I know to do, I have been wallowing in my own self-absorption. Thankfully, I have great friends.

Yesterday, my friend Matt (the one who always gets me into trouble) messages me and asks if I want to go hiking up one of our local mountains in the PNW.  Knowing I need to get out of the house, I said sure.  The hike is favorite of people in the area and also a local paragliding launch.  Matt is in love with paragliding.  So he tells me, “we can hike up together, you can walk down and I will fly down”.  Okay, that sounds fun.  I thought it would be a chance for me to be supportive of something he loves. I would go take some pictures and just spend some time with him.  I am going to miss him when I am gone.

Matt stepping off the edge

Matt stepping off the edge

However, since I have been running around like a crazy woman for the last 4 weeks, eating a bunch of crap, not exercising and drinking too much, I feel terrible.  We start to hike and I am just sucking wind.  The trail goes up about 1600 feet in a mile and a half so it isn’t long, just steep.  I keep saying “Matt, go ahead of me, I’ll catch up”.  Of course, the kid won’t listen to anything I say.  We chat on the hike and instead of relaxing and enjoying the company of my friend, all I can think of is my anxiety of letting him down by being so out of sorts and making him late for his flight.

Matt flying

Matt flying

We finally get up to the top where the pilots are launching and I was immediately in awe.  They were flying!  I couldn’t wait for Matt to launch. Even though I am terrified of heights, within 10 minutes of hitting the summit I said to him “I want to do that someday”.  He replies “why not today?”.  HMM…why not indeed.  So I did it. No plan, no arguing, totally spontaneous.  I even surprised Matt, who without telling me, had planned it out ahead of time with his friend Mark from Seattle Paragliding.  Matt was expecting to have to argue with me to get me to do it.

Snapshot - 8

Flying

It was just what I needed. If I am stuck in a rut, doubting everything in my life, anxiety building, procrastinating, not taking care of myself, etc. there is a quick easy solution: a jolt of courage, kind of like a defibrillator for the soul. I have to get out of my comfort zone and do something that scares me.  Facing a fear, feeling success, knowing that I can make my life anything I want it to be, owning my issues, and being the person I want to be is all possible, I just have to do it.  It really is that simple.

The coolest thing I have ever done

The coolest thing I have ever done

Got up this morning, went for a run, had a healthy breakfast.  Now I am going to do some administrative stuff that needs to get done, mail some gear to my son’s house for storage, mow the grass at the house I am staying at and then tonight…I have a date.  Yeah, a real one.

Just like a real defibrillator gives a heart another chance to beat and the person a chance to live, facing a fear and doing it anyway gives a soul another chance to fly and the person a chance to have a whole life.

Jump and the net will appear. ~John Burroughs

Posted on by

I don’t actually believe the saying “Jump and the net will appear”.  From what I understand about life, I think that sometimes we jump and we just hit the ground and there isn’t any net.  Nothing catches us, we just fall flat on our faces.   Yeah, I know…ouch.

I come from a family who believes in pragmatism.  My brother, the one that is our mom’s favorite, buys a new truck about every 10 years.  When he was 50, he bought a new truck and told everyone he was “two trucks from death”.  When questioned on that, he would say,”I am 50 years old, if I buy a truck every 10 years I will buy another when I am 60 and one more when I am 70.  Chances are, I will be dead when I am 80 so I am two trucks from death.  I come from a family that is “that kind” of pragmatic.  They approach life with humor, grace, realism, and incredible bluntness.  My brother currently has a job where he has use of a work truck to commute and he only puts about 1000 miles a year on his personal truck so it should last another 30 years.  He now calls it the “death truck”.  When you go to visit, he will say “don’t bother renting a car, you can just drive the death truck”.  Yeah…that is my family and they are amazing. I love them dearly.

family

Family vacation, circa 1966

My family has never been one on ceremony or flowery speaking. They understand life on an elemental level. Maybe it is because of the dramatic change of seasons in New England where they live, or maybe it is the harshness of the winters, I don’t know. I just know that they understand that there are seasons of our lives just like there are seasons in the world around us.  To demonstrate that, when we had a family reunion, they would say “look around you, there are three groups of people. There are the young kids swimming in the frigid cold lake, the 30- and 40-somethings playing horseshoes, and then all the old guys over there talking politics”.  When they themselves, in their 50s and 60s, started gravitating to the politics group, they acknowledged it and accepted it with that same bluntness and realism, knowing that they had reached another season of their lives.  One of the best things about them is you always know right where you stand with them. They have hearts of gold, but don’t ask them a question you don’t really want to know the answer to, because they will give it to you.

When I moved to Seattle I was 44.  My brother told me then, “Robin, you’ve got 30 more years.  In your seventies, you aren’t going to be learning how to kayak, ride a mountain bike, ski etc.  If there is something you want to learn how to do, you need to do it now. Otherwise, you will be like our mother who is in her seventies sitting around lamenting about all the things she wishes she had done in her life but now doesn’t have the capacity to do”.  My brother isn’t saying I can’t learn anything or have adventures after 70, he is reminding me to take advantage of every moment of my life so I won’t have regrets.  I remind myself of that often.

Ever since I started talking about teaching in Ethiopia, I have had wavering feelings about what I am doing. That is probably pretty normal with such a big undertaking.  And of course, with my type A personality, I think I have to do it perfectly. Which means that I beat myself up whenever I have a self-doubt.  I also have this crazy idea that I have to deal with it all on my own, without accepting any help from anyone else.  Needless to say, the past couple of weeks have been ones of ups and downs.  I have the feeling that will happen several more times before I am finally on the plane.

photo

Saying goodbye to friends

The downs have happened when I have been overwhelmed by details of international visas, travel arrangements, all the unknown obstacles of long term international travel and work, dealing with my physical stuff here in the U.S. and dealing with the emotion behind leaving my friends and family that I love.  The ups have occurred when I tell people about what I am going to do and they say, “I have a friend who lives/lived in Addis, let me connect you” and I get these emails from people around the world who tell me how much I am going to love it.  They give me connections to great coffee shops, restaurants, and insights into things to do. And not just in the city, but things that will call to my adventurous side also. Places like the Simien Mountains, the Danakil depression, Gondar, the Blue Nile Falls, and Lake Tana and when I look at the pictures, I can’t help but be excited by the adventure. Those times I feel like I can totally do this.

Even more important, I have spent the first half of my life figuring out what my values are, what I believe in, and what I am willing to risk taking a stand for.  This is an opportunity for me to be able to make a difference and it is an opportunity that not many people get. I understand how fortunate I am.  Now it is time to put those values and beliefs into action…to put my time and effort into being the change I want to see in the world.

Some people can affect change in the world by what they say so eloquently. I have always envied those people who can articulate themselves so perfectly. I am not one of them.  I, like my brothers, am too blunt and pragmatic.  But what I lack in communication skills, I make up for in action, I figure out ways to make things happen.  But in order to do that, first I have to jump, net or no net…because I only have 30 more years.

You have to let go of all you have … in order to gain the world

Posted on by

Real freedom is having nothing. I was freer when I didn’t have a cent. ~Mike Tyson

I have struggled to write this blog post.  Sometimes, I am overwhelmed by too many choices.  For most of my life I haven’t had to face a lot of choices.  My life has been one of survival.  The choices I faced were almost always binary, i.e. do I keep this job or be unemployed, can I afford to buy this or not.  Binary choices are easy. An abundance of choices is more difficult.

I have worked very hard throughout my life and for the most part, have done a very good job at what I do.  It has gained me some notoriety and opened lots of doors for a successful career.  I also have been a relatively decent human being and that has gained me a fair amount of people who love me and who I love spending time with. I am extremely grateful for both of those things and for all the choices they have given me.

One of the things I have struggled with is how to make a choice between several equally great things where there is no bad choice to eliminate. I struggle with trying to figure out what I really want. Right now, I am struggling with my sabbatical. I have had so many great offers to do incredible work in exotic places. I have choices to have amazing personal experiences like riding bikes, hiking, diving, etc with fascinating people in places I have never dreamed I would get to go in my life.  I have wonderful choices to visit and spend time with people I love in places that are dear to heart.  And I haven’t been able to choose.

So I tried to think about how to combine them so I could do it all, and frankly, it stressed me out. I struggled to make the choice which will make everyone happy and meet everyone’s needs.  But what I really needed to be asking myself is “what do I want to do?”. Such a simple, yet complex question.

In writing out this blog post, what I realized is that it is about letting go. I have already let go of my physical stuff. Now I need to let go of people’s expectations for me.  I need to let go of the idea of disappointing people.  I need to let go of my own ideas of failure and success.  I need to let go of fear of the unknown.  I need to let go of all of those things so that my hands are empty and my heart is open.  Only then will I be ready to reach for whatever is to be my destiny.

I have decided this week to accept an offer to teach in Ethiopia for the next year.  There will be some side trips to a few other countries for vacation, other work and to visit with my beautiful granddaughters, but the majority of my sabbatical will be spent in Ethiopia.  It is a chance to do work that is some of the most innovative and has a greater potential for impact on humanity, on my career, and on me personally than anything I have done thus far.

As I was writing out that line, I realized…it is what I want to do.

“I stuck” ~Brooklyn

Posted on by

spring-17

That is my two year old granddaughter’s favorite thing to say, “I stuck”.  She will say it whether she is really stuck or not.

Sabbatical…a whole year off from work to stretch my creativity, travel, and explore some of the things I have never had time to do in life. A grand adventure, giving up all your worldly goods and just going with no agenda, no plans, just going wherever the whim strikes you.  Everyone tells me they are jealous and that they wish they could do it.  So why aren’t they?

Because it is damn hard that is why.

Amazingly, I am handling the fear of the unknown pretty well and the ambiguity of it all.  My struggle has come in feelings of worthiness.  What did I do to earn this amazing opportunity?  And it seems like daily, some other wonderful thing is heaped onto me…adding to my guilt about it all and miring me in my inability to embrace it fully.

I am a person who has spent my whole life fighting for everything I have. From being on welfare as an unwed teenage mother to putting myself through college and becoming a tax-paying member of society, I have fought this uphill battle from a place of never having or “being” enough.  My whole life has been focused toward overcoming obstacles.  So now that there aren’t any obstacles, I am stuck.

I guess it is about abundance.  All my life has been life from a deficit and all of a sudden, I have an abundance of everything.  My life is mine to choose what to do and where to go.  I was blessed with intelligence, tenacity, a small amount of courage, and compassion. I have my health, a great job, and people who love me. I can do anything I want.  And that is why I am stuck.

For me, I know how to live a life of scarcity, it is easy to walk that road, it is harder to accept that I have these opportunities and to not feel guilty like I haven’t done anything to deserve them. Or even worse, that I am not worthy of having things work out well for me.  I am struggling with accepting a life of abundance and embracing it.  “I stuck”.