Strength In What Remains

Posted on April 14, 2014 by rangotti

I have mentioned before in this blog that the circumstances that divided my life by zero have affected me in many unexpected ways. Realizing how seemingly unconnected events are connected is always fascinating to me and easy for me to see in other people but much harder to see in my own circumstances.

I used to be a voracious reader, both professional and personally. As an academic, reading is preliminary to writing and writing is the key to publications and advancement. In the past 7 years, since my marriage ended and through the years that I was involved with the abusive therapist, I have struggled to read. Why reading should be affected by those circumstances has been difficult to determine, but the result has been the same. I have struggled to read which means also struggling to write and publish in academic journals. I have however, for whatever reason, increased my grant writing skills so there is that.

I have several friends who know about this problem and they have wonderfully tried to help. My friends Tony and Jonathan have recommended books as well as helped me think through academic papers. Tony has co-authored papers with me. It has been a huge help. And I am finally understanding that I may never again read like I once did. I have changed. I am different and it’s okay.

I recently read a book that was recommended to me and it had a profound affect on me. It should be required reading for anyone who has ever had a traumatic incident that they have struggled to recover from, cares about someone in that situation, and for all mental health care workers. It is called Strength in What Remains by Tracy Kidder and portrays the story of Deo, a survivor of civil war and genocide in Burundi. Deo manages not only to survive but to make his way to the ghettos of New York and, without knowing English, gets a job as a grocery delivery person while living in Central Park. From there, he gets admitted to Columbia and then medical school at Dartmouth and becomes an American citizen before returning to Burundi to start a clinic to provide medicine, nutrition and clean water to a small village.

Deo’s amazing story of resiliency and courage is very profound, but what touched me wasn’t how he was able to come through things perfectly, seemingly without any difficulties because he didn’t. I was touched by his authenticity and imperfection. What touched me was seeing his changing emotions as he struggled with the memories. In his native language that phenomena of being triggered by memories of a traumatic event is called Gusimbura. To gusimbura someone means “that the individual, upon hearing the name of a dead loved one, is forced to relive the suffering and sorrow of that loved one’s death”. The idea is that it isn’t just a memory, the person who is gusimbura’d is actually reliving the events. I think in western psychology it would be called a flashback. But for Deo, it is culturally not acceptable to talk about the death he witnessed. Yet at the same time, as a survivor, it is profoundly necessary for him to bear witness to what happened by talking about it in order to heal the wounds of his soul.

Deo’s transitions between repressing memories and then having them come out in other inappropriate emotions when he was triggered, to facing the memories and seeing his rage and fear, to trying to move on from them explains a lot about the behavior of someone with PTSD. It shows the delicate balance between psychologically needing to remember yet simultaneously, needing to move on and not be caught forever in memories where you are only half alive.

Typically whenever I have read a book like this, the main character will be a person who survived significant trauma and then rose out of it in an exceptional way, seemingly perfectly “whole” and “normal”. What this book showed me is that, for all of us who have gone through trauma, we are irrevocably changed (although I would argue we are still “whole” and “normal”). We can’t go back. We have to find the strength in what remains. Those memories will always be there, like a disease which lives dormant in the central nervous system which comes out in times of stress. However unlike such diseases when society empathizes with the physical suffering of that person, somehow when it is the darker side of our emotions, society sees it as weakness in people and shuns them rather than empathize with them. Deo’s story which is so brutal makes it easy to empathize with him.

When you love or care about someone with PTSD or even just someone who is struggling to move on in their lives, or if you are suffering yourself, realize that sometimes emotions will come up in ways that you can’t anticipate and can be triggered by things that you don’t even realize until later when you are looking back. It can come out in simple ways like fluctuations in someone’s weight, overreactions to seemingly mundane events, substance abuse or more horrifically, in acts of violence. For PTSD sufferers it is imperative to stay as aware as possible, to realize that when you get that feeling in your gut, that churning that something is wrong or your don’t feel good… it is imperative to listen to what your body is telling you.

If you care about someone with PTSD, if the person is reacting in a strange way, don’t take it personally and don’t let their behavior scare you or push you away. The person close to you might not be reacting to you at all, but to a situation or circumstance from their past. I once remember being in a club at Whistler with some friends. All of a sudden, I had to leave, not in 15 or 30 minutes, but right at that immediate moment. I had to be outside. I had two good friends Kaare and Chris that recognized my panic and paid my tab and got my coat out of the coatroom for me while telling our other friends we were leaving. They didn’t judge, they just helped me. My friend Matt has done the same thing for me on countless occasions. I don’t think I have ever said thank you for that. I remember it took me a long time that night at Whistler, even in a roomful of my friends, to realize I was safe. My advice if you care about someone with PTSD is to be aware, be tolerant, just listen and accept them for what they are. Be patient while they find the strength in what remains.

If you get a chance, read the book “Strength in What Remains” by Tracy Kidder and check out Deo’s organization Village Health Works. http://www.villagehealthworks.org/

Something old, something new…

Posted on March 10, 2014 by rangotti

I had two times this week that my mind was blown.

Even though I am 50 years old and not a “digital native”, I am still pretty competent in the use of technological tools. I am a “digital immigrant”, meaning that I remember a time before mainstream digital devices when communication was primarily face-to-face, via telephone, or handwritten letters. So even though I can use technology, I find that interacting with younger “digital natives” helps me to understand new social and emotional paradigms for using those technologies.

From some internet discussion forums I belong to, I know that real friendship can grow from online communities where people never have met in person. I have met some of my most trusted friends online. And it isn’t just that we established a friendship online, that happens all the time, it is that we maintain friendships in a online space. That is a powerful shift in human interactions. But until the other night, what I had never considered is that intimate relationships in the digital age can also be sustained online.

The other night I went to a goodbye party for my friend Kare who lives in Germany now. He came to the states to snowboard and on his last night here we met for beer. I had a great conversation with Rachel, a woman Kare had worked with when he worked in the US and she gave me a perspective shift on intimate relationships that I had never considered. Rachel is in her mid 30s so just on the cusp of the “digital divide”. Rachel is the definition of a strong, confident, independent woman who has a stable job, disposable income, and is emotionally secure in who she is. We recognized pretty quickly that we are kindred spirits. Commiserating over beer at a local German bar in Seattle, we both described the same challenges for dating in Seattle. The Seattle dating scene (Dateless in Seattle) is pretty well documented and some even blame the tech factor for it. Rachel had a different idea about technology

We were complaining that we meet men, either in person or through online dating, that say they want a “strong, confident, independent woman”… until they actually meet one. That is when they realize that they really want a ball of fluff that is waiting for them to come home so she can fix them a sandwich and get them a beer. Yeah, that isn’t gonna happen in my world or apparently Rachel’s either. Rachel said to me, “Robin, you are not going to find a real man in Seattle, you have to go east coast”. To which I replied that I have a job and can’t move to the east coast right now. She said, you don’t have to move, just use technology. Then she told me her boyfriend lives in Pennsylvania and they have no intention of changing that situation any time soon. They talk online daily and fly to see each other regularly. Her philosophy is that, in the 21st century, relationships can be defined differently than how we traditionally have thought of them. I sat there blinking at her with the owl stare because she had just rocked my world. Wait a second, I thought…Intimate relationships can also be fostered online? Mind = blown. That totally opens the dating pool up to a wider spectrum. An interesting shift in perspective that I need to think about more. Thanks Rachel!

Later in the week, my roommate and I threw our first small house party with a few ski friends. I have to say, it was great just interacting with them again. Between laughing over Cards Against Humanity to watching the Boy Dance Party SNL skit, I Iaughed hard enough that my sides hurt and I realized how much I have missed them and love their company. At the end of the night, my roommate and I were cleaning up and I noticed that she had used an antique plate that belonged to her grandmother to serve food. When I questioned her about it, she said “what is the point of having it if it doesn’t get used?”. Again mind = blown. I was reminded of why I gave up all my stuff. The thing I realized this week is that the possessions aren’t the problem, it is the fact that for many people, they don’t use what they have. They keep the good candle, china, lingerie, clothes, or whatever it is they have in storage for a “special occasion”. Well, today is special. You woke up, you are reading this blog, you are alive. Celebrate. Break out the good _______ (fill in the blank with whatever you have hoarded away). Use it. Light candles, buy flowers, eat the good chocolate, and invite people over that you haven’t seen in awhile. Why? Well because it is Monday that is why. You don’t need a reason to live and love your life or to cultivate friendships. Cultivate those friendships like you cultivate a garden, friendship is food for your soul.

So this week I learned from something old and something new. Maybe next week, I will learn from something borrowed and something blue. I never know where life’s lessons are coming from, I just try to be open to whatever I am learning. Have a great week.

The right limit of (1 life)/x as x approaches 0 = infinity

Posted on February 28, 2014 by rangotti

Today was one of those spectacular spring days in the Pacific Northwest. The sky was this amazing shade of blue, the sun was out, it was relatively warm. It is one of those days that teases us that spring is just around the corner.

I love this time of year. It is the time of year that winter and spring war for dominion over the land so there are great swings in temperature and weather. The buds on trees are swelling with signs of the potential of new life. The deciduous trees are starting to leaf out and there are so many shades of green that it almost hurts your eyes. It is a season in which you can see the potential that the world holds, the promise of tomorrow. It makes my heart just sing.

On a day like today, I can’t stay in the house, I have to be outside. I also needed to exercise so instead of going to the gym, I ran to a nearby park that has a great jogging path around it. To get there, I had to go about a mile up a pretty busy street that has a really major hill on it. It is uphill there, downhill home. So I put my music on, went to the park, ran a few miles, enjoyed the beautiful sunshine, laughed at the unrestrained kids that wave back when I wave at them, just in absolute awe of the beauty of the distant mountains (both the Cascades and Olympics can be seen from the top of the hill) and then turned around to head home down the busy street.

On the way home, my music trifecta comes on: Good Riddance by Green Day, Learning to Fly by Tom Petty, and Wake Me Up by Avicii. They are songs that were made for moving. All of a sudden, with the sun on my face, birds singing, the glory of the big northwest evergreens all around, I just wanted to dance.

Now remember, I am walking down a really busy suburban road. When I lived on Capitol Hill in Seattle, the sight of a 50 year old crazy woman dancing down the street in her black capri leggings and a big purple University of Washington hoodie wouldn’t have even raised an eyebrow, in fact, there probably would have been people dancing with me. However, where I live now everyone drives, no one is walking down the street let alone dancing. Hmm… didn’t change anything, when it is time to dance it is time to dance. So I danced. Guess what happened? No one noticed. I didn’t even get one glance. People were so focused and in a hurry to get wherever they were going that they failed to notice a crazy woman dancing down the side of the road. The less they looked, the more outrageous I got trying to get at least one person to honk at me and smile.

Social media seems to be filled with people who are sad and lonely, people longing for simpler lives with less stress, and to have the spirit and the joy of children again. Guess what? In order to have that, you actually have to be willing to do it. You can’t say that you want a simpler life and not be willing to find the joy in simpler things, things like sunshine, fresh air, dancing, and noticing the world around us. And you can’t be restrained by being worried about what other people are going to think.

Here is my advice. Take the handsome man or beautiful woman you are with or, if you are by yourself, take the handsome man/woman that you are and go for a walk. And while you are walking, just dance, arms in the air, unrestrained by what people think, heart and senses open to the world around you. You will feel fantastic. What is the worst that can happen? People might think you are crazy? Guess what, being crazy isn’t a crime. You might make someone smile? Yeah, that would be tragic. Of course, you might make it on YouTube like this guy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSy7h3TPB-M. If you do, I will be so jealous, I couldn’t even get one person to look at me.

Tonight, I am going to Drag Queen Bingo. I am going to wear a feather boa. The great part about that is I am riding the bus. Who wants to speculate about how many pictures make it to instagram tomorrow of the crazy old woman riding the bus in a feather boa? It is going to be a hoot.

Life is short, whereas, when divided by x is infinite as x approaches 0. Go ahead, divide by zero.

That was when I lived in a morgue…

Posted on January 14, 2014 by rangotti

Of all the stories I expected to hear on my story collecting adventure, the words “I lived in a morgue” probably never made my list. But my friend Keri did, in fact, live in a morgue and even has some incredible pictures to prove it. In the midst of a casual conversation the other night, she uttered the words “when I lived in the morgue”…say WHAT? When prompted for the story, she revealed that she and several other ski instructors lived there together when they were working in Garmisch, Germany. She dragged our her old photo album and told the story as we scrolled through her awesome pictures that showed a bunch of twenty-somethings living it up in this funky place with a half-moon shaped area where at one time bodies were viewed, a kitchen that had once been where embalming happened and had no counter space at all because of that, and Keri’s bedroom which had previously been where the crematorium ovens were located. There were also some underground tunnels from the old hospital to the morgue that were built during the war so that the German public wouldn’t know how many men were dying in the war. It was kind of freaky, but they had some incredible parties in that “house”. Halloween must have been awesome.

It is funny because I have known Keri for the last seven years but did not know that about her. What made that story even more interesting is Keri herself. Of all the people I know who might have uttered the words “I lived in a morgue”, she would have been the last person I would have expected. Keri is one of the most amazingly even keeled and centered people I have ever met. Yet, in hindsight, maybe it isn’t so surprising after all. Keri also flows easily in her life taking whatever opportunities that come up with little hesitation. She lives her life fully every day. She is a remarkable and courageous person.

One of the things I love about our friendship is how easy it is. When we haven’t seen each other in a while, we can pick right up where we left off. We talk to each other about our lives, dreams, fears, joys, and sorrows. She gives the best advice and I value her wisdom. She has a way of understanding human interactions that cuts through all the subterfuge. Out of all my friends, she is one of the best at self-care and boundaries.

I have been thinking a lot about relationships this week, both friendships and intimate relationships. I am in the midst of taking a hard look at my relationships and reflecting on the ones that add value to my life and to which I am adding value in return. Great relationships that add significance to my life, like the ones I share with my closest friends, take open communication of both the good and the bad of our lives. These relationships are easy because we are willing to be open and authentic with each other, telling each other our truths while respecting how each feels. Frankly, I don’t want any other kind of relationships in my life other than easy ones. Relationships with people who don’t keep their word, lie, use subterfuge, give you the silent treatment, or omit details to try to avoid conflict just take too much effort and energy. Relationships should be easy.

However, I think a mistake that is common in intimate relationships is believing that one person can meet all our needs. It is impossible for one person to meet all our needs and it would be a huge burden on any one person to try to accomplish that. Life is enriched by all our relationships not just the intimate ones. Relationships with a variety of people give us perspective from many angles and broaden our understanding of the world around us.. Life becomes rich and full when we embrace all of those various relationships.

As a caveat, it also must be considered that inherent in relationships is a measure of risk. When we trust others with our vulnerabilities, we stand the risk of being rejected, hurt, used, and taken for granted. When that happens and a valued relationship ends, it is hard to pick up the threads of trust to try again. But try we must. Human beings were not meant to live in isolation from others. Our relationships bring us wisdom, joy, beauty, poetry, happiness, physical comfort, sorrow, grief, and the whole range of human emotions. Through those relationships we find strength and comfort when the problems of the world rise around us. It is also through those relationships that we grow and reach our fullest potential. Without them, we die, maybe not all at once, but our soul dies day by isolating day. And we live in our own private morgue, not one that has a bunch of fellow ski instructors who are full of life, but in the shells of our bodies going through the motions of life.

My Life Divided by Zero advice for this week is to collect a story, have a conversation with someone, find out a really interesting fact that you didn’t previously know and tell them something about you in return. Risk, trust, open up and be vulnerable to someone. You might get hurt, but at least you will be alive. And you will probably come away with a great story to tell. And that is what our lives are…a collection of stories.

The life cycle of traditions

Posted on December 22, 2013 by rangotti

Some people, when given a sign, know exactly how to read that sign and what they should do about it. For me, the universe pretty much has to hit me over the head with a sign before I listen and change my course of action or beliefs.

When I was a teenager, I was pretty troubled. An old native American told me that I wouldn’t find my true spirit until I walked with the Raven. I didn’t know what he meant and I spent much of my life trying to decipher those words through the situations and the people around me. What I have realized is that even as a teenager, those words gave me hope. He didn’t tell me that I would never find my spirit, but that it would happen in the future. Hope is what most people need to get through life’s difficulties.

Last summer, I had the opportunity to travel around the country. Everywhere I went, when something transformative happened, there was a Raven there. I couldn’t help but remember the old man’s words. And at the time, it felt like chains were being released, emotional chains. Later in the year, I had the opportunity to go to Nepal and paraglide with Egyptian vultures. When I got back, one of my friends joked with me that my new name was Soars with Eagles. I laughed and made a joke back to him in the manner of friends teasing each other and then forgot about his comment until yesterday.

Photo by Richard A.

I have known I was a different person since I was in Nepal. Traveling changed me a lot. When I got back to Seattle, I was walking through a wooded area to the gym and the Raven story was on my mind. I looked up at one point in my walk and there, about 30 feet from me, was a gorgeous American bald eagle looking at me. He was just sitting in a dead tree and he was staring at me. It was one of those times where the hair on the back of my neck started to stand up and that odd feeling that something special was happening, where my gut was churning with emotion. Finally, after what felt like hours, he spread his wings and flew off.

I have a friend who is a shaman and when I told her about it she said “I think you are entering a new time in your life and the eagle is your guide”. Again, being the scientific linear thinking person that I am, I put it out of my mind. Then yesterday, when my roommate and I were trying to figure out what movie to watch for our solstice celebration (read more below), she said “the only appropriate movie I can think of is Dances with Wolves”. At that moment, all of the signs I just wrote about above converged in my head.

I realized the tradition of the raven was over. As a story, the last chapter of is written, now all I needed to find was a way to close it out. About an hour later, my friends Nick and Sarah called and asked if I wanted to meet for lunch at Black Raven Brewery. Yeah, okay universe, I get it. Nick, Sarah and I shared food and beer and toasted to lots of upcoming adventures we are planning. It was a great symbolic way to put an end to the Raven. But just because a story ends, doesn’t mean the characters in the story stop living, it just means they need to find another story to begin. Our stories, like all the traditions of our lives, have a life cycle.

Everyone has traditions. They are a fundamental part of the structure of the lives of human beings. We have traditions surrounding all of the big events in life: marriage, birth, death, etc. We also have everyday traditions or routines like brushing our teeth or going out for an Americano. And then there are traditions surrounding holidays and special days like birthdays or anniversaries. And then there are faith-based traditions. All of them are important parts of who we are.

Since my divorce, the holidays have been very difficult because those traditions, those foundational structures of my life, were just instantaneously dissolved, there was no closure or slow letting go. Getting older has also ended certain traditions, although through a slower process. My children have their own families now and are spending holidays and creating new traditions with those families just as they should be.

For me, I think that is one of the hardest parts of entering the autumn of my life. I guess like most people, I struggle with things changing. The empty nest syndrome when combined with the loss of your life partner is definitely a time of radical change. And just like any loss, traditions can’t just easily be replaced by something else. It takes closure and time to grieve for their loss before you can start a new tradition and that process has to be respected.

When my kids were younger and I was married, holidays were filled with time spent with my children, extended family, passing around a blessing cup for giving thanks, Christmas lights, caroling, great food, lots of love, homemade pizza, decorating the Christmas tree, stocking stuffer shopping followed by lunch with my ex-husband, and many other wonderful memories. I have missed those traditions, but just like I am finding with many parts of my life, I am ready to move on.

So yesterday, it hit me. I have been trying hard to recreate traditions to replace what has been lost. But just like with a lost pet or loved one, what is lost is gone forever. I have beautiful memories of that time in my life and by trying to totally eradicate them and replace those memories, I am not honoring all the love that is inherent in them. So instead of forgetting, I should try to find a way to honor those memories (skiing on holidays seems to work well for me) and then start wholly new traditions like celebrating the Solstice. I like this idea.

So yesterday, the day of the winter solstice in the northern hemisphere, my new roommate and I had a solstice celebration with tasty food, wassail, a fire and lots of candles to welcome the sun and long days back into the northern hemisphere. And we watched Dances with Wolves. I also took time to honor the planet and to give thanks for all that I have.

I am an incredibly fortunate person. I am thankful for my health, a great job, a loving family, two compassionate and thoughtful children who are in loving long-term relationships, and the most spectacular grandchildren ever. I have a warm home, plenty to eat, a fantastic roommate, caring and supportive friendships, and opportunities to have amazing adventures in my life. I have the best life ever and from now on, I am going to use the solstice to celebrate and give thanks for that life.

The Solstice seemed like an appropriate time to remember the cycles and rhythms of the planet as well as the cycles and rhythms of my life. It seems like a great new tradition has been born, a new life cycle has started. Happy Solstice and welcome winter!

You have to believe it from the inside

Posted on November 7, 2013 by rangotti

It is funny, I usually am trying to think about what to blog that would be of interest to the people reading this. Today someone made the comment about how “same” my posts have become. Hmm…maybe there are some of those repeat lessons I have learned, you know, the ones life tries to hit you in the head with over and over but you don’t listen? Yeah, I have a lot of those. Maybe, it takes me so long because although externally and intellectually, I have heard the lesson, I haven’t yet reached the point where I own it, where I believe it emotionally, where I believe it on the inside.

I met a great couple at dinner tonight. The wife is a yoga instructor and as we had a conversation about class tomorrow, I made one of those comments about not having practiced in awhile, being out of shape, not being athletic, not flexible enough, too fat, etc etc etc…the tape that plays in my head over and over when faced with anything physical. See, here is the thing, we all have that tape, something that tells us that we aren’t good enough. Mine is not being athletic and/or not being pretty enough. She said it doesn’t matter, it isn’t about being “good”, it is about believing it from the inside, it has to come from your heart or why even bother doing it? Otherwise, it is just work. That is what this post is about.

Things I have been learning – a summary of the last 6 months

Traveling: I hate traveling. I hate living out of suitcases. I hate the feeling of having to keep up with my passport or having to worry that, if it gets lost, of not being allowed back into my own country. I hate worrying about details. I hate the feeling of trying to figure out where I am when I have no maps, there are no street signs, and I don’t speak the language. But as challenging as I find traveling and as much as I dislike those inconveniences, I also love the knowledge that traveling gives a person in life.

Culture is a very important thing and I am not minimizing it. But when you strip away culture, we are all human beings. People love, laugh, get angry, hurt, sleep, eat, need…no matter what culture they are from. As you see other people in other places, once you get over the shock of a different culture, you recognize that the underlying humanity is all the same. Love and acceptance of other people is what binds us all together.

The other thing I get from traveling is that, when I travel and am out of my comfort zone, the sounds are different, the colors are different, the smells are different, and the routine is different. All my senses are on heightened awareness. Every cell in my body comes alive.

Lesson learned: If you are stuck in a rut, putting yourself in a scary situation is one of the best ways to get out of it. All our excuses of not being good enough, thin enough, athletic enough, social enough, whatever… are just excuses. It might not feel good or comfortable, but when you get through it, you will not only have more confidence, you will feel more totally alive. You see the world around you from a very different perspective. But you have to move out of your comfort zone. That doesn’t necessarily mean traveling, but it means facing fears head on from the inside, because that is where fear lives.

Friendships: I am in Nepal right now with my friend Matt, who I have blogged about a lot so I won’t go into another Matt story (although I have several). Because we are such unlikely friends (gender and age differences), a lot of people ask us how we met and are interested in our friendship. I always tell them that sometimes the universe gives you a gift, and my gift when I was struggling to get through a divorce and learn how to be alone again was Matt. We are only friends, but every 40 something woman getting divorced should have a platonic friendship with a younger person who can teach her how to play again after a lifetime of responsibility to a husband, children, home, job, etc. Someone who can teach her how to put herself first.

But it isn’t a one way street. I haven’t been the only one to benefit from that relationship, Matt has too. He has had the benefit of being a young person and having role reversal of an older person treating him as wise, to listen to him, to take his advice. And he has asked for my advice too and I have been the one to listen or to be there for him when he needed me. I don’t talk about those times because those are Matt’s stories to tell, not mine. Someone tonight told me that I should write a book about this experience, but for the first time, they also told Matt that he should write it with me, because friendship doesn’t just go one way.

Lesson learned: Tennyson said it best “I am a part of all I have met”. Every person we meet has an effect on us, and we on them. And it doesn’t matter if we think we are strong enough, thin enough, athletic enough… whatever, we still have the power to influence all that we meet. To think that we don’t have an influence on the people around us with what we say or do and that we have no responsibility to people other than ourselves is crazy. Every person, even the beggar on the street who asked us for change has impacted us somehow. The opposite, to believe that we influence others yet somehow others don’t influence us in return, is also incredibly unrealistic. We are all changed by encountering and knowing other people. All of us have that power to give and receive to all the people that we meet. We have to ask ourselves, what are we giving? And what are we receiving from those encounters? Whether they are positive or negative is in our control and that control happens on the inside.

I have learned that the planet is a very, very small place and that our actions have consequences. People’s lives can be enhanced or diminished by our actions and we have to take responsibility for those actions. In return, our lives can also be enhanced by those interactions.

Flying with Kevin, the Egyptian vulture

Adventure: I have had my share of adventure. Yesterday, I got to paraglide with an Egyptian vulture who flew before me finding the thermals of air and then would come eat buffalo meat off my hand (yes while in the air) as a reward. It was pretty amazing. Add to that, I had a view of the Himalayas in the background and it went from amazing to spectacular.

Today, I got to go to a “vulture restaurant” where, as part of a conservation effort to help the vulture population which has been suffering in Asia, a cow which had died of natural causes was skinned and left out for the vultures to feed. I got to watch the whole thing from the skinning to feeding and it was one of the most incredible sights I have ever witnessed. Whoever could have imagined how simultaneously majestic and awkward vultures can be? From the huge Himalayan griffins to the Egyptian vultures, the feeding was one of the most intense experiences of nature I have ever witnessed. The cow was picked clean within 60 minutes, an entire cow. It was like being straight in National Geographic live.

Kevin

The thing about vultures, is a lot of people think they are ugly. But if you have ever watched one soar on thermals, they are some of the most majestic birds you will ever watch. And they have value and purpose. If you take the vultures out of the ecosystem like in Asia where they have been dying, the purpose they served which is to get rid of waste gets filled by something else, dogs for example. In our minds, vultures are scary ugly creatures and dogs are happy creatures so this seems like a good thing, right? But unlike vultures, dogs bring and spread diseases which affect humans. They have litters of pups which then attract the jaguars from the hills for puppy snacks, but human children aren’t any different from puppies so then jaguars are killing humans too. So the absence of the vultures means that the whole balance of life is upset. And the reality is, vultures have a bad rap for being “ugly” just because we don’t like what they do. But they are actually beautiful birds if you look at them closely. And you just have to watch one fly, to effortlessly glide on a thermal better than just about any bird out there, well…not only are they useful, they are some of the most beautiful creatures on the planet.

Lesson learned: So many times in life, the tape plays in our heads: I am not good enough, strong enough, or athletic enough. I am too fat, thin, ugly, shy, I am not….enough. Just like with the vultures, all of us, every single human being is both majestic and awkward at the same time. It is what makes us uniquely who we are. And we are all absolutely valuable parts of the system of our lives. We have value. Regardless of what anyone says about us or to us or how anyone judges us on being too fat, ugly, thin, dumb, not socially acceptable in whatever sphere we are in…we have value. So let’s change the tape, push eject and put in a new one. We, no matter how we are judged for outward appearance, have value and we are beautiful. And it has no bearing on how smart, thin, athletic, rich, popular, young, or anything else other people perceive you to be. That beauty and value comes from the inside

My take away from all of this: We are all a vital part of the world around us. We are all part of all who we have met…. and they are part of us. What diminishes one, diminishes all. What enhances one, enhances us all. To diminish or judge others, we are actually diminishing and judging ourselves. To compare ourselves to others, when we have our own unique place in the system, is to diminish our own worth and value. You have to believe it from the inside.

In 12 days, I will be home and I get to see Brooklyn and Charlotte. Life is good.

Namaste

Please do not feed the troll…

Posted on October 1, 2013 by rangotti

Our dreams do not necessarily have to be fulfilled in order for us to be happy. Nurturing hopes is meaningful in and of itself. It is worth working toward them, regardless of the outcome. When we make this shift away from results, we will find greater courage to act on our aspirations for the world. We will find our nobility of heart. ~Karmapa

Troll Under the Bridge, Seattle WA

Yesterday, I got trolled. It has happened before, I have my own personal troll who not only knows me, he knows what my triggers are and he likes to push them. This troll directly targeted me and specifically mentioned this blog. For a little while, I let it get to me. The problem with trolls is their goal is to get a rise out of you so if you respond to them, you are giving them what they want. It is called “feeding the troll”. Yesterday, I reacted and fed the troll. I wasn’t very nice in my response to him. Next time, instead of responding, I will let the forum moderator deal with him from the beginning.

The troll in fact, did me a favor. I was pretty distraught about it for awhile yesterday. I kept trying to fight my distress by asking myself the question: why would I allow my energy to get wrapped up in the words of someone who has no integrity? Trolling is an act of cowardice. It is someone hiding behind the anonymity of the internet for the purpose of causing distress and I was the specific target of this person. Why would I give that my emotion or my time? Lesson learned. My modus operandi in life, if I have something to say, I either need to have the integrity to say it without hiding who I am or I just need to shut up. It isn’t very hard to figure out where I stand on things, all someone has to do is ask me. However yesterday, my line of thought wasn’t working, I was projecting my own core values onto the situation and that was the wrong way for me to try to think my way out of my distress.

Then I realized a very simple truth, trolls exist where there is good discussion happening. And the forum I was using is one of the best for stimulating interesting discussion. The troll had hit me hard by insinuating that, from reading my “journal”, he believed that I would agree with what he was saying. “One thing that I hear people tell others who are in pain or experiencing change and loss is the remark ‘it’s going to be OK’. I think this is said in consolation but I think it’s also misleading and naive. It’s not going to be ok, for many people it didn’t work out or as luck would have it, life didn’t present those opportunities or just persisted circling the drain. Sometimes for reasons beyond our control or influence. Looking at your journal, I think you would agree, it will be OK if like anything else, you make the effort to problem solve, sacrifice, work hard, and accept that life often is sour grapes, loss, pain, and very arbitrary.”

I felt a little sad for the troll and his outlook on life, he doesn’t seem like a very happy person. But his unhappiness helped me clarify my beliefs a little better, so thank you Mr. Troll. I believe that, yes, life has some sour grapes, loss, pain, and can seem arbitrary, but I don’t believe life IS any of those things. Life has balance, there can be no joy without sorrow, there can be no light without darkness, and there can be no wine without sour grapes. There can be no great conversation or shifts in perspective if we only have conversations with people that agree with us. Yin-yang. Life, with all its good and bad, is full, rich, sweet, abundant and wonderful.

And I truly believe that life is going to be okay. I don’t believe my life it is necessarily going to work out the way I wanted, but I believe it is exactly as it should be right now at this moment. No matter how bad, how impossible something is to overcome, or how egregiously people have hurt me, I just have to nourish my hopes and stay on this side of the ground. I have to love those that are in my life in the moment that they are with me, so that when when they aren’t there, I remember that love. I have to nourish my mind with new experiences and learning so that I have more than one way of doing things, that helps me from being “stuck“. I have to nourish my soul by doing that which I think I can’t, even if I try and fail, until I find a measure of success. I have to live life with all my senses, emotions, and in the moment that I have. It might be the only moment I am given. That is the only way I know how to do it.

A country with a soul

Posted on September 7, 2013 by rangotti

Today was one of those perfect Northern African days. It has been the rainy season here so it has rained every day. Not just Seattle drizzle rain, but a true soaking deluge kind of rain. Every…single…day. It makes the poorly built and incomplete roads into quagmires of mud, potholes, and huge puddles. The rainy season is coming to an end and the weather should begin to be perfect like it was today, mid 70 F and sunny with no humidity.

I was going to post earlier, but each time got my post finished, the power went out so I gave up and went for a walk in the village near my apartment with my friend Jen. What I love most about this place are the Ethiopian people. They show amazing resiliency, courage, and an absolute undefeatable spirit. This spirit is what helped them rout every attempt by Europeans to colonize them. They are a proud people and they love their country.

Every morning, I go running. Ethiopian runners are a source of national pride. The route I run takes me on a road where many people run each morning. Today I actually saw a group exercising in the median of the road. While I am running, the Ethiopians will cheer me on. They call out “good job”, like I am doing something great, when all I am doing is jogging for exercise. There is one part of my run that takes me parallel to a government housing project. Each day a little boy, maybe 10 years old, comes out and jogs with me down the road, grinning from ear to ear. He is adorable. He says good morning to me and then says “sport”. When he leaves me he said Ciao and I know I will see him tomorrow. You can tell he is proud of Ethiopia’s tradition of running.

Even on our walk to the village, the people smile and say hello or salam. The kids gather and walk with us, wanting us to take their picture. Women invite us for coffee. What I have realized from spending time with Ethiopians of all ages is that it is their culture to care about human beings. They take their time, they listen to you. They FEEL, they truly feel compassion with their hearts, and it isn’t just superficial bull. Ethiopia is a country with a soul.

PS. Between writing and posting, Ethiopia just won a soccer match against Central African Republic and for the first time, qualified for the World Cup. It is partying and chaos on the street. What a wonderful celebration of national pride.

These aren’t filtered yet, I haven’t had time to go through them, but they are the ones I took today http://sdrv.ms/19u2kms

The Mundane

Posted on September 4, 2013 by rangotti

Part of the field that they cut

I keep getting lots of questions about day to day life and I want to take a post to tell you what my life is like now. To give you an idea, while I was working on lesson plans in my apartment while the deluge of rain, thunder, and lightening was happening, I watched three Ethiopian men cut an entire field of grass around one of the buildings on campus with a sickle. It took several days. It is a big enough area that I would have wanted a riding lawn mower or tractor and it could have been done in an hour. The concept of time is just a different thing here than it is in the U.S.

Dryer controls

I live in a two bedroom apartment (see pictures below) that I share with an Ethiopian teacher, Dawit. It is pretty minimal by U.S. standards, but it is comparable to an apartment I had when I was in college. There are challenges here in construction standards. There are no OSHA regulations. You will see workers hundreds of feet up in the air on construction projects with scaffolding made from eucalyptus branches. They aren’t wearing harnesses or taking any safety measures. It is very dangerous. The building standards are also nonexistent. I have open wiring in my bathroom near the shower. And I had to laugh in the kitchen when, although there is space for the refrigerator, they neglected to put a power source so the refrigerator is in the living room where there is a plug. The kitchen has a cooktop and I have a convection microwave for baking but the directions for it are in Dutch so I stick with microwaving when I need to heat something up. The communal washer/dryer for the complex is also in Dutch so I just randomly push some buttons until it works and hope for the best.

Breakfast foods

When I get up in the morning, Dawit and I might go for a run or I might do some yoga. Running three miles at 8300 ft altitude is definitely good for my body and my lungs. After my workout, I stretch and then have some breakfast which usually consists of a hunk of bread with honey or peanut butter and a piece of fruit. When I need a pick-me-up, I switch to the Ethiopian version of Nutella in place of the honey or peanut butter. Lunch is noodles or rice with some vegetables. Dinner is whatever someone cooks which may be Ethiopian food or western food or we might go out to eat. We eat a lot of pasta. My favorite thing so far has been the shiro. The local beer and wine isn’t too bad either.

Abandoned horses

I have pretty much become a vegetarian. When you see the meat hanging in the shops, just out in the air with no refrigeration or sanitation, it is really hard to think about eating it. I see goat herders corralling goats for slaughter and I saw a group of pigs today rooting through the trash when I was out on my run. I think one of the things I am having the most difficulty with is the way animals are treated. When a farm animal has served its usefulness, they are abandoned on a street to starve. I have watched these horses that were left on a street just obediently stay there day after day and get skinnier each day. I know that one day, I will go by and one will be laying there dead. The worst part is that there are hundreds of abandoned animals such as that. I have seen them kill a rat at the produce stand where I was shopping and that same day, we walked by a dead human body on the side of the road. Ethiopia is 173rd out of 187 countries on the Human Development Index. There are lots of challenges here.

Dawit’s way of looking at life and his understanding of Ethiopian culture is helping me adjust. He reminds me a lot of Matt. Dawit is the chemistry and biology teacher and we work on lesson plans together. He was born in Ethiopia, then migrated to Ghana before being educated in the states but has now come back to Ethiopia to work. School starts next week. Dawit gave me the best compliment I have received in Ethiopia. When I offered him a rain jacket to wear, he told me I was very open with sharing my resources. I told him that it was just “stuff” and wasn’t important and that he was welcome to use anything of mine he needed. He told me I had an “African soul”. I thought that was pretty cool and I am getting a pulse on what that really means to be able to write a blog post about it someday.

I typed this out on my computer in my apartment so that I could go to the internet café and post it because our internet line was cut in one of the construction projects and the government hasn’t fixed it yet (it has been several weeks). Of course, I had to wait for the deluge of rain to stop before making the dash down the road. They keep telling me that the rainy season will end in 3 weeks… I don’t believe them.

Cheers to everyone and know that I am well. Following are my apartment pictures.

Apartment from outside. I live in a unit on the bottom floor

The next 50 years…

Posted on September 2, 2013 by rangotti

Song for the day: Tom Petty’s “Learning to Fly”
I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings. Coming down, is the hardest thing.
I’m learning to fly, around the clouds. But what goes up, must come down.

I never said I was doing this right, I just said I was doing it. Yesterday, I needed a reality check. Thanks Carl, Panos and Dawit for helping me have a shift in perspective.

Sometimes, I need a good swift kick in the pants to wake me up. I have spent a week in the doom and gloom of the “woe is me” phenomena. What if I made a mistake in coming here? What if the situation doesn’t change, how am I going to do my job? What if…what if…what if… Carl, thank you for giving me the first perspective shift with that one sentence: I am here now, so instead of complaining, what can I do to change the problems? Yes, I know that I can’t change everything and I need to stop letting that be a limiting factor. The question I need to ask myself is what CAN I do instead of dwelling on what I believe can’t happen. Believing in what can’t happen is the limiting thought we all have at times, and it is the thing we need to fight more than any other human behavior.

It was once believed it was impossible for a human being to break the 4 minute mile in running, until one man did it. Within a year after the first man did it, over a hundred others had done it also. As human beings, we are only limited by what we believe is impossible. I have to believe that all things are possible.

The second perspective shift I had was when someone else told me that I “am part of the 50 year plan”. I need to stop thinking that I am going to save the world tomorrow. I am one piece of a puzzle that fits together, hopefully effecting change in the next 50 years. It is a process and I am just one cog in the process. My business is STEM education. The practical applications of STEM disciplines (engineering, applied math, technology, etc) are a major key to improving the quality of human life in basic services such as clean water, sanitation, energy, shelter, infrastructure, food production and communications. I believe that we have a collective responsibility to improve the lives of people around the world in respect to these basic services and key to that provision is educating a generation of students capable of providing solutions in their own countries. That is how I can effect change. Now I just need to do that without whining.

Interesting thing about the 50 year plan: I will turn 50 years old in a couple of weeks. So I will never see the 50 year plan come to fruition, I just have to believe that actions I take will actually make a difference. In 50 more years, my two beautiful granddaughters will be my age. What kind of world will they get to live in? And how can my actions today make it better for them when they are 50?

I get so irritated with myself for not being able to stop playing the tape in my head. Here is how my tape goes: “I miss my grandchildren and I miss enjoying firsthand what wonderful parents my son and daughter-in-law are. I miss my beautiful effervescent daughter and all she adds to my daily life. I miss my amazing friends and the strength they give me every day to do the things I do. I miss my bike. I miss the freedom and independence of having a car to go wherever and whenever I want to. I miss being able to hang out on the internet all hours of the day”. Okay…there is my pity party… now … get over it Robin. Shut the tape off. The third perspective shift I am going to give myself right now. Here it goes: I have had the most amazing life anyone could ask for. I have been able to travel to every inhabited continent on the planet. I have had an incredible career that has allowed me to make a difference in so many peoples’ lives. I have the two most remarkable children on the planet and they are both now in relationships with loving partners who are as wonderful as they are. On top of all that, I am blessed with these two intelligent, loving, beautiful grandchildren that astonish me every time I am around them. I have a loving family and supportive friends. So WHAT TO HELL AM I COMPLAINING ABOUT???? I need to do the job I came here to do and know that all those things will be there when I get back.

When I focus on the negative aspects of life and my situation, I am a pretty miserable person. When I take the time to notice and give thanks for the positive things in life, I am a happy person. So today I have a choice: miserable or happy, what is it going to be?

Today, my goal is to take pictures of the beauty I see around me. There are a lot of things that are horrific, but there even more things that are beautiful. Today is a day to focus on the beauty of Addis Ababa. No complaining. One day at a time. Breathe, be aware, smile, and own it. 50 more years…

The practical side:

Practically speaking, I would say our greatest need is for a generator so that we could have consistent power. Second most important is means of communication, both snail-mail and internet. I am going to research the cost of a post-office box for the school and I am trying to find out how to get satellite internet. I see satellite dishes everywhere and there has to be a reason for that. But of course satellite dishes require power so we are back to our greatest need of a generator.

Life Divided by Zero

The Journey of Becoming Undefined

Tag Archives: fellow man