Tag Archives: love

A Birth, A Death, and a Wedding

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Yesterday was a day of a lot of shifting emotions, not for me, but for my son.  One of his best friends became a new father, another best friend died unexpectedly, and his wife’s best friend got married…all of which happened in the same day.  I have empathy for him and my daughter-in-law. They are dealing with the up and down emotions of balancing two joyous events with a tragic one and trying to be happy for their friends while mourning the death of the other.  Life doesn’t happen when it is convenient. Yesterday for my son, daughter-in-law and all their friends, life was divided by zero.

I sit here and listen to my son and his wife process their grief by telling stories of their friend and sharing pictures with their social group.  I am reminded that our lives consist of our stories.  They don’t consist of how much money we have, what things we own, or even what our jobs are.  Our lives are about our experiences.  At the end, the people who we have touched will tell our stories and share our photos. It is our legacy and reminds me to always treat people well. Life is about caring about other human beings. The most important gift we can give another person is the gift of our time.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I will have the same thing…

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I was reminded yesterday about being careful not to take things and people for granted. I am reasonably good at being thankful for most of the things in my life. However, sometimes I screw up and take for granted the one person who has been steadfastly there for me.  I think it is because I trust, without question, that he will be in life, enriching it in so many ways.

Academic job interviews span two days.  You give a research presentation, a teaching presentation, and hour long interviews with dozens of people. It is rigorous.  However, as long as I am talking about my work, I am comfortable in those settings.  I knew in the interview process when I applied for my job in Seattle that the official dinner would be my greatest challenge.  I was a hick girl from rural North Carolina in Seattle having dinner with all these classy, sophisticated people.  I had no clue what to order or what kinds conversation to make with these people. I tend to be a little blunt and outspoken and just say whatever pops into my head.  My goal was to shut my mouth and try to keep them talking as much as possible and to hopefully not order anything stupid off the menu. That was my plan.

tony

Tony takes amazing photos. He is really creative

So I get to the dinner and there is Tony.  Handsome, sophisticated, and the most articulate person I have ever met.  I was in trouble.  The waitress came over to take our order. Tony ordered an incredible glass of wine and the salmon which was plank seared. Now, just to give you some context, where I came from wine comes in two flavors, white and red, and I had no idea what “plank seared” meant.  So of course, after he ordered and the waitress turned to me, I said “that sounds great, I will have the same thing”. I had no idea if I would even like it or not. Tony then drew me into a conversation about pig pickin’s and hush puppies and had the whole table laughing hysterically.  I just knew that I had blown the whole interview right there. They had to have thought I needed to be in the kitchen frying something rather than in an academic position.  I was surprised when they offered me my job.

About a week after starting my job, I was walking down the hallway carrying geoboards.  Tony was walking past me and said “geoboards, fun!”.  Since Tony is the literacy professor, I was taken aback. I mean, seriously, how many people outside of math even know what geoboards are? So I asked him how he knew about geoboards and he told me that he went to a school taught by hippies so he was “raised on geoboards and autoharps”.  How could anyone not be friends with a guy who can come back with a line like that? The timing of his humor is always perfect.

tony & robin

Robin & Tony.  What a great friend to hold his hand over my neck to hide the multiple chins.

The friendship was born at that moment.  Tony and I have had so many great adventures.  Eating and drinking our way through Seattle Met magazine’s best happy hour edition, spending spring break pretending we were in Baja by going over to Alki Beach for Mexican food (it was snowing and we were in parkas on the beach), finding all the places with the best chicken in Seattle (Cafe Presse, Crow, Ken & Tony’s kitchen), the most amazing meal ever at Canlis, our famous end-of-quarter grade submission brunches complete with mimosas/martinis/madeira flights at 10 am.  There have been picnics on sunny days, the Bloedel Reserve on Pi Day, an unforgettable birthday trip to Portland, a life-changing trip to NYC, a New Year’s Eve with 48 gorgeous men, and a disastrous game of croquet on the parade grounds of Fort Warden where the movie an Officer and an Gentleman was filmed, a game which was saved when Tony’s dad came to the rescue with a very civilized pitcher of gin and tonics.

tony &ken & rbin

Evening at Boom Noodle with Kristen, Ellen, Jessica, Tony & Ken

And then there are the infamous Happy Friday emails…I could go on and on.  Each adventure has been memorable. My adventures with Tony definitely make up the brunt of all the great times I have had in Seattle.  He is the best friend I could have ever asked for. We supported each other through tenure, have cried over the end of relationships, worked on grants, written papers together, and been there for each other in all the areas of our lives. He and his partner Ken have taught me about wine, great food, amazing restaurants, how to cut an avocado, art, music, vacations and relaxation.  They opened up the world for me.  With friendship, unconditional acceptance, respect, honor, loyalty, and love, they have helped me become the woman I am.  I love them with all my heart.  I haven’t let myself think about what it is going to be like next year without them nearby. I don’t want to think about it.

I hope everyone reading this has someone in their life that is so much a part of them that the relationship seems almost effortless.  Those are the sweetest kinds of relationships, but also the most easy to take for granted.  We can get consumed with other relationships that take a lot of effort and forget the ones that are simple.  If you have someone in your life like that, just take a moment to tell them how much they really mean to you.  Those are the relationships that should get the most care, not the least.

Tony Smith, my friend, my brother, my partner in crime…I love you and am the woman I am because I have known you.  You have changed my life.  I am so glad I ordered the white wine and plank-seared salmon on that fateful February night in 2007 and had that crazy discussion about pig-pickin’s and hush puppies.

What I have realized in typing this blog post is that being willing to say “I will have the same thing…” or letting someone else order the food for me has been a way that I have pushed myself to try something new and to show people that I trust their choices.  Being open to learning new things from others has definitely helped me form the great friendships I have with so many people. I think it makes other people feel valued.  It is something I am going to implement in Africa. When I find myself at dinner with an interesting person, I am just going to say “I will have the same thing…”  and see where the adventure takes me.

Wabi-Sabi

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Wabi-sabi is a Japanese term that represents acceptance of transience and imperfection. Beauty is imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete. The wabi-sabi aesthetic is asymmetric, austere, simplistic, modest, rough and non-regular. It promotes intimacy and appreciation of the integrity of natural objects and processes. (Source wikipedia).

When my dad had his first stroke, as part of his rehab he learned how to make oval shaker boxes that nested within each other. He gave sets to all of his daughters. The weekend that I was visiting him, he didn’t have any perfect ones left, he only had the imperfect set that he made when he was learning. He wanted to make me a “perfect” set, but to me, those were perfect. In their imperfection I saw his tenacity to fight through the health problems, to learn a new skill, to practice getting it right. I saw a craftsman who loved to build things with his hands. I saw the father I loved in that imperfection. Wabi-sabi. I would post a picture but they are packed in the boxes in my office.

My friends Tony and Ken demonstrate the wabi-sabi aesthetic in all the things they surround themselves with. P1030341Their home is so tastefully decorated and comfortable, you can’t help but feel refreshed and loved when you walk through the door. It has been a haven for me for the last 6 years. A great example of their sense of taste is in their dishes, none of which match, all which are imperfect yet, to me, they are absolutely stunning.

In many ways their love for me has also shown that aesthetic and that is true for all of my friends. My friends saw this broken, damaged woman and recognized the internal beauty in me, my spirit, and my story. Their love for me has helped that spirit come out. They didn’t love me because I am stunningly gorgeous, witty, sophisticated, charming, or cultured because I am none of those things. I am too serious, I swear like a sailor, I could seriously use a shot of botox for my squint lines, I am blunt and outspoken, and I wouldn’t know culture if it slapped me upside my head. But with all the flaws, they see the beauty of my compassion, my love for the physical world around me and the people in it, my vulnerability, my shame, my fears, and they still think I am beautiful. It is their love and belief in me safely tucked in my soul that gives me the courage to embark on this journey.

One of my cycling flaws is that I suck at hills. When I was riding with Steve Cooper (an amazing cyclist), he told me to find a phrase that could match my breathing and my cadence, a mantra that I could chant while climbing. My friend Jonathan told me about the wabi-sabi. So now, even though it isn’t perfect, my climbing like the rest of cycling and my whole life, is wabi-sabi. Filled with the joy of the impermanent, the imperfect, the incomplete…undefined. When you pass me on a climb, you will hear me sucking air into my lungs and feel the energy of my legs pushing the pedals to turn the crank arms on the bike to the rhythm of wabi-sabi. And that is true of all parts of my life. The good part of life is the imperfections, those things that make us unique.

Today, take the time to see the beauty in someone you love. Not the idea of beauty our western society imposes on us, but take a look for the imperfections, because they are truly what makes people beautiful.

My Rock

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The time has come. All my “stuff” has been culled. I now have some gear stored at a friend’s house, a few boxes with pictures and mementos in my office, one bag of clothes, my bike, and my rock. stuff

The rock in the picture is red granite. It is very heavy and it isn’t going with me, I am going to put it in my office. I found the rock on a beach in Canada one summer when I was a little girl. We were on a family vacation and my dad convinced my sister and I that the rock was really a petrified dinosaur egg. He brought the rock home and we used it as a doorstop at our summer home on a lake in Maine when I was growing up. I believed that story and told it to my friends when they came over. I remember feeling so gullible when I found out it was a rock, but I knew how much of a tease and practical joker my dad was so I wasn’t really upset about it, I should have known better. I know I probably should give up the rock, but I just can’t.

The rock and all my other possessions that I am keeping are just symbols. They aren’t what really is important in life, they are just reminders of what is important. My real rocks are my family and friends, the people I love and who love me. My dad is gone now, but the rock is a symbol of the love he had for me. He loved me enough to tell me that story and carry this heavy rock all the way up the beach, took it back to Maine, and then kept it all those years while I was growing up.

It has been really hard saying goodbye to my friends. I am going to miss them more than they will ever know. Even harder is saying goodbye to my beautiful daughter whose amazing spirit and love for the world around her has kept me going for the last 5 years. She and I have a special bond which was born in the fires of adversity. We have laughed more the last week than we have in a long time, knowing the time is coming to say goodbye. She is a really special person.

The big revelation for me was understanding that she, and my friends, are going to miss me as much as I am going to miss them. It made me feel loved. I know they are cheering me on, but I also know that it leaves a hole for them and it makes me sad. The world is a small place and although I might not be physically present, I will be connected through Facebook, this blog, and hopefully some phone calls and visits. I need my rocks in my life, even if I am far away. And they need me.