Tag Archives: beauty

Letter to my younger self…

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robin25I read a book a long time ago called “What I Know Now: Letter to My Younger Self”.  I was in my office the other day working on a grant and saw it on a shelf and thought about what a great idea it would be to write a letter to my younger self.  What would I want her to know?  Then I realized it would depend on what age I was so I decided on writing a letter to my 25 year old self.  At 25, I was in my second year of my master’s degree program. I remember wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt that my husband bought me for a birthday present to teach class in that day.  I remember having a huge existential crisis over the fact that I was turning 25 and that seemed so old and grown up.  I was already married with a 7 year old and a 2 year old but for some reason, turning 25 made me feel very old.

graduationAt 25, I had already put myself through undergraduate school and graduated Magna cum Laude and was driven to succeed in graduate school.  Even though I had gone through a teacher education program, my teaching assistant position at a 4 year university felt like an internship where I was able to get more practice at being a teacher before teaching high school. I had the help of a great friend and math teacher Danny Lueck who passed away a few years ago.  I remember those times sitting in my living room grading 120 papers and he would be giving me advice on how to grade them more efficiently so that I wouldn’t go crazy. He was a good friend.  I would go on to teach public high school for over a decade before returning to graduate school again to get my PhD and moving into higher education. Along the way, building my career, I sacrificed a lot of my personal life. I don’t regret my education or my job path.  It has allowed me to make an impact on the world, but it also came with a price.

Going through this letter-writing process was a great one for reminding me of where I was and where I am now.  If you are over 35, I suggest trying this.  Don’t just think of what you would say to your younger self, actually take the time to write it out.  If you are under 35, I suggest writing a letter to your older self.  Add 20 years to your age and tell that older you what you want them never to forget.  Put it away and then read it again in a few years and see how you are doing.  You could even make it a tradition every 5 years to go back and reread and then write a new letter.  Just a thought.

Dear Robin,

I see you standing there, in front of that class of undergraduates who are barely younger than you.  There are so many of them, looking toward you like you have the answers to all their problems in math.  Yet you are standing there shaking in your shoes because you know you are going to screw up.  Yes you will, so stop worrying about it.  You will survive the embarrassment of calling a hypotenuse a hypothesis for a whole class until one of your students points it out.  You will survive your first (and subsequent) altercation with students where you have to confront them on discipline issues.  You will weather the storm on the first (and subsequent) time that someone complains about your teaching.  The thing to remember is this: you are going to be a great teacher but that greatness doesn’t come without making a bunch of mistakes.  Let go of the control and thinking you have all the answers, don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know but I will find out and let you know tomorrow”, and don’t be afraid to ask the kids “I don’t know, what do you think?” and let them come up with their own answers.  They will learn more that way.  Never back a kid into a corner, always give them a way out and a way to save face.  Laugh at yourself, have sense of humor in your classroom, don’t take things so seriously. 1432_596970479433_9919_n

1432_596970474443_9679_nThat goes for your personal life too.  You are far too serious for being 25 years old.  Look at your two beautiful children, they need a mother that laughs and plays with them.  They will grow up to be amazing human beings, your pride in them will know no bounds.  I wish I could say you aren’t going to make any mistakes in raising them, but you are.  They will love you despite the times you screw up.  Play with them more, be unrestrained, show them how to have adventures.  And while you are at it, have some yourself.  It is okay to be concerned with your career, it is going to take you places you never imagined.  But don’t let it get in the way of adventures.  They are what fuels your soul.  They don’t have to be big or cost lots of money, you just have to be willing to let go of control, not be perfect, and get lost in the moment of life. 

Try not to spend all of your life being perfect. Someday that perfect life will shatter into a million pieces and you won’t know how to deal with it.  The key to surviving that is to realize that imperfection is where the good stuff of life happens. Your life will start when you are willing to jump in and do stuff without fearing you’ll make a mistake. Fear is where the fun starts, it isn’t the paralyzing emotion that you think it is.  Face what you are most afraid of head on with no hesitation.  It will set you free.

You did a great job at 25, allowing yourself to trust your husband, have kids, build a great life. Those choices will make you very happy over the next 20 years.  You will have no regrets about raising your family, living in the town that you choose, having the wonderful friends that you have.  Never look back on that time with regrets, it is magic time, filled with wonder.  Someday, after your life falls apart, you will build a new life, very different from that.  It is okay, nothing lasts forever. You will move on.  During that rebuilding time, my advice to you is try to let go faster. It really is the key to being happy.  You have to learn how to recognize when a relationship is at its end and be okay with that.  Cherish the relationship for what it brought you and look with anticipation at the next one that will come into your life.  A relationship ends when it has fulfilled its need in your life and its ending opens up a space to allow you another one that will meet different needs.

A couple of things I really want you to remember:

  • Your hair doesn’t matter as much as you think it does, don’t waste so much time and money on it.
  • Stand closer to the fire.  Don’t stand on the periphery of life, get in where it is warm, where life is happening.
  • Dance more and don’t stop singing. The day might come when you will forget how much joy these things bring to life so capture the joy while you can.
  • Make mistakes.  It is how you learn and grow.
  • Take care of your body.  You will spend money, time, and energy taking care of your house or cars while ignoring the one thing in your life that can’t be replaced, your health.  Put your effort and energy into making sure the one body you have to go through this life with is always running in peak condition.
  • Take the harder road, make the more difficult choice.  Yes, the learning curve is larger, but there is a reason the phrase “no guts, no glory” came about.  The harder road is the greater opportunity. You won’t get where you want to be by playing it safe.
  • Don’t be afraid to embrace the people who come into your life for the gifts they are.  And don’t be afraid to let them go when it is time.
  • Someday, you will meet some sketchy internet people, they are trustworthy.  They will help you find your voice again.
  • Someday, in your darkest hours, you will meet someone who is going to change your life.  He is young and it seems an odd friendship and you will question it many, many times. Don’t.  Risk trusting this person, he will teach you how to play again after a lifetime of responsibility.  He will teach you how to be strong.  He will teach you about the person you want to be. He will help you find your soul. 

You are going to have the best life ever.  Live every day of it.

Robin

The life cycle of traditions

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Some people, when given a sign, know exactly how to read that sign and what they should do about it.  For me, the universe pretty much has to hit me over the head with a sign before I listen and change my course of action or beliefs.

When I was a teenager, I was pretty troubled.  An old native American told me that I wouldn’t find my true spirit until I walked with the Raven. I didn’t know what he meant and I spent much of my life trying to decipher those words through the situations and the people around me.  What I have realized is that even as a teenager, those words gave me hope.  He didn’t tell me that I would never find my spirit, but that it would happen in the future.  Hope is what most people need to get through life’s difficulties.

DCIM100GOPROLast summer, I had the opportunity to travel around the country.  Everywhere I went, when something transformative happened, there was a Raven there.  I couldn’t help but remember the old man’s words.  And at the time, it felt like chains were being released, emotional chains.  Later in the year, I had the opportunity to go to Nepal and paraglide with Egyptian vultures.  When I got back, one of my friends joked with me that my new name was Soars with Eagles.  I laughed and made a joke back to him in the manner of friends teasing each other and then forgot about his comment until yesterday.

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Photo by Richard A.

I have known I was a different person since I was in Nepal.  Traveling changed me a lot. When I got back to Seattle, I was walking through a wooded area to the gym and the Raven story was on my mind. I looked up at one point in my walk and there, about 30 feet from me, was a gorgeous American bald eagle looking at me.  He was just sitting in a dead tree and he was staring at me.  It was one of those times where the hair on the back of my neck started to stand up and that odd feeling that something special was happening, where my gut was churning with emotion.  Finally, after what felt like hours, he spread his wings and flew off.

I have a friend who is a shaman and when I told her about it she said “I think you are entering a new time in your life and the eagle is your guide”. Again, being the scientific linear thinking person that I am, I put it out of my mind.  Then yesterday, when my roommate and I were trying to figure out what movie to watch for our solstice celebration (read more below), she said “the only appropriate movie I can think of is Dances with Wolves”.  At that moment, all of the signs I just wrote about above converged in my head.

I realized the tradition of the raven was over. As a story, the last chapter of is written, now all I needed to find was a way to close it out.  About an hour later, my friends Nick and Sarah called and asked if I wanted to meet for lunch at Black Raven Brewery.  Yeah, okay universe, I get it. Nick, Sarah and I shared food and beer and toasted to lots of upcoming adventures we are planning.  It was a great symbolic way to put an end to the Raven.  But just because a story ends, doesn’t mean the characters in the story stop living, it just means they need to find another story to begin. Our stories, like all the traditions of our lives, have a life cycle.

Everyone has traditions.  They are a fundamental part of the structure of the lives of human beings. We have traditions surrounding all of the big events in life: marriage, birth, death, etc.  We also have everyday traditions or routines like brushing our teeth or going out for an Americano.  And then there are traditions surrounding holidays and special days like birthdays or anniversaries.  And then there are faith-based traditions.  All of them are important parts of who we are.

Since my divorce, the holidays have been very difficult because those traditions, those foundational structures of my life, were just instantaneously dissolved, there was no closure or slow letting go. Getting older has also ended certain traditions, although through a slower process.  My children have their own families now and are spending holidays and creating new traditions with those families just as they should be.

For me, I think that is one of the hardest parts of entering the autumn of my life.  I guess like most people, I struggle with things changing.  The empty nest syndrome when combined with the loss of your life partner is definitely a time of radical change. And just like any loss, traditions can’t just easily be replaced by something else.  It takes closure and time to grieve for their loss before you can start a new tradition and that process has to be respected.

When my kids were younger and I was married, holidays were filled with time spent with my children, extended family, passing around a blessing cup for giving thanks, Christmas lights, caroling, great food, lots of love, homemade pizza, decorating the Christmas tree, stocking stuffer shopping followed by lunch with my ex-husband, and many other wonderful memories. I have missed those traditions, but just like I am finding with many parts of my life, I am ready to move on.

So yesterday, it hit me.  I have been trying hard to recreate traditions to replace what has been lost. But just like with a lost pet or loved one, what is lost is gone forever.  I have beautiful memories of that time in my life and by trying to totally eradicate them and replace those memories, I am not honoring all the love that is inherent in them.  So instead of forgetting, I should try to find a way to honor those memories (skiing on holidays seems to work well for me) and then start wholly new traditions like celebrating the Solstice. I like this idea.

So yesterday, the day of the winter solstice in the northern hemisphere, my new roommate and I had a solstice celebration with tasty food, wassail, a fire and lots of candles to welcome the sun and long days back into the northern hemisphere. And we watched Dances with Wolves. I also took time to honor the planet and to give thanks for all that I have.

I am an incredibly fortunate person.  I am thankful for my health, a great job, a loving family, two compassionate and thoughtful children who are in loving long-term relationships, and the most spectacular grandchildren ever.  I have a warm home, plenty to eat, a fantastic roommate, caring and supportive friendships, and opportunities to have amazing adventures in my life. I have the best life ever and from now on, I am going to use the solstice to celebrate and give thanks for that life.

The Solstice seemed like an appropriate time to remember the cycles and rhythms of the planet as well as the cycles and rhythms of my life.  It seems like a great new tradition has been born, a new life cycle has started.  Happy Solstice and welcome winter!

You have to believe it from the inside

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It is funny, I usually am trying to think about what to blog that would be of interest to the people reading this.  Today someone made the comment about how “same” my posts have become. Hmm…maybe there are some of those repeat lessons I have learned, you know, the ones life tries to hit you in the head with over and over but you don’t listen? Yeah, I have a lot of those. Maybe, it takes me so long because although externally and intellectually, I have heard the lesson, I haven’t yet reached the point where I own it, where I believe it emotionally, where I believe it on the inside.

I met a great couple at dinner tonight. The wife is a yoga instructor and as we had a conversation about class tomorrow, I made one of those comments about not having practiced in awhile, being out of shape, not being athletic, not flexible enough, too fat, etc etc etc…the tape that plays in my head over and over when faced with anything physical. See, here is the thing, we all have that tape, something that tells us that we aren’t good enough.  Mine is not being athletic and/or not being pretty enough.   She said it doesn’t matter, it isn’t about being “good”, it is about believing it from the inside, it has to come from your heart or why even bother doing it? Otherwise, it is just work.  That is what this post is about.

Things I have been learning – a summary of the last 6 months

Traveling: I hate traveling. I hate living out of suitcases. I hate the feeling of having to keep up with my passport or having to worry that, if it gets lost, of not being allowed back into my own country. I hate worrying about details.  I hate the feeling of trying to figure out where I am when I have no maps, there are no street signs, and I don’t speak the language.  But as challenging as I find traveling and as much as I dislike those inconveniences, I also love the knowledge that traveling gives a person in life.

Culture is a very important thing and I am not minimizing it. But when you strip away culture, we are all human beings.  People love, laugh, get angry, hurt, sleep, eat, need…no matter what culture they are from.  As you see other people in other places, once you get over the shock of a different culture, you recognize that the underlying humanity is all the same. Love and acceptance of other people is what binds us all together.

The other thing I get from traveling is that, when I travel and am out of my comfort zone, the sounds are different, the colors are different, the smells are different, and the routine is different. All my senses are on heightened awareness.  Every cell in my body comes alive.

Lesson learned:  If you are stuck in a rut, putting yourself in a scary situation is one of the best ways to get out of it.  All our excuses of not being good enough, thin enough, athletic enough, social enough, whatever… are just excuses.  It might not feel good or comfortable, but when you get through it, you will not only have more confidence, you will feel more totally alive. You see the world around you from a very different perspective. But you have to move out of your comfort zone.  That doesn’t necessarily mean traveling, but it means facing fears head on from the inside, because that is where fear lives.

Friendships:  I am in Nepal right now with my friend Matt, who I have blogged about a lot so I won’t go into another Matt story (although I have several).  Because we are such unlikely friends (gender and age differences), a lot of people ask us how we met and are interested in our friendship.  I always tell them that sometimes the universe gives you a gift, and my gift when I was struggling to get through a divorce and learn how to be alone again was Matt.  We are only friends, but every 40 something woman getting divorced should have a platonic friendship with a younger person who can teach her how to play again after a lifetime of responsibility to a husband, children, home, job, etc.  Someone who can teach her how to put herself first.

But it isn’t a one way street.  I haven’t been the only one to benefit from that relationship, Matt has too.  He has had the benefit of being a young person and having role reversal of an older person treating him as wise, to listen to him, to take his advice. And he has asked for my advice too and I have been the one to listen or to be there for him when he needed me.  I don’t talk about those times because those are Matt’s stories to tell, not mine.  Someone tonight told me that I should write a book about this experience, but for the first time, they also told Matt that he should write it with me, because friendship doesn’t just go one way.

Lesson learned:  Tennyson said it best “I am a part of all I have met”. Every person we meet has an effect on us, and we on them. And it doesn’t matter if we think we are strong enough, thin enough, athletic enough… whatever, we still have the power to influence all that we meet. To think that we don’t have an influence on the people around us with what we say or do and that we have no responsibility to people other than ourselves is crazy.  Every person, even the beggar on the street who asked us for change has impacted us somehow.  The opposite, to believe that we influence others yet somehow others don’t influence us in return, is also incredibly unrealistic.  We are all changed by encountering and knowing other people. All of us have that power to give and receive to all the people that we meet.  We have to ask ourselves, what are we giving?  And what are we receiving from those encounters?  Whether they are positive or negative is in our control and that control happens on the inside.

I have learned that the planet is a very, very small place and that our actions have consequences.  People’s lives can be enhanced or diminished by our actions and we have to take responsibility for those actions.  In return, our lives can also be enhanced by those interactions. 

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Flying with Kevin, the Egyptian vulture

Adventure:  I have had my share of adventure.  Yesterday, I got to paraglide with an Egyptian vulture who flew before me finding the thermals of air and then would come eat buffalo meat off my hand (yes while in the air) as a reward.  It was pretty amazing.  Add to that, I had a view of the Himalayas in the background and it went from amazing to spectacular.

Today, I got to go to a “vulture restaurant” where, as part of a conservation effort to help the vulture population which has been suffering in Asia, a cow which had died of natural causes was skinned and left out for the vultures to feed.  I got to watch the whole thing from the skinning to feeding and it was one of the most incredible sights I have ever witnessed. Whoever could have imagined how simultaneously majestic and awkward vultures can be? From the huge Himalayan griffins to the Egyptian vultures, the feeding was one of the most intense experiences of nature I have ever witnessed. The cow was picked clean within 60 minutes, an entire cow. It was like being straight in National Geographic live.

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Kevin

The thing about vultures, is a lot of people think they are ugly.  But if you have ever watched one soar on thermals, they are some of the most majestic birds you will ever watch.  And they have value and purpose. If you take the vultures out of the ecosystem like in Asia where they have been dying, the purpose they served which is to get rid of waste gets filled by something else, dogs for example. In our minds, vultures are scary ugly creatures and dogs are happy creatures so this seems like a good thing, right?  But unlike vultures, dogs bring and spread diseases which affect humans.  They have litters of pups which then attract the jaguars from the hills for puppy snacks, but human children aren’t any different from puppies so then jaguars are killing humans too.   So the absence of the vultures means that the whole balance of life is upset.  And the reality is, vultures have a bad rap for being “ugly” just because we don’t like what they do. But they are actually beautiful birds if you look at them closely. And you just have to watch one fly, to effortlessly glide on a thermal better than just about any bird out there, well…not only are they useful, they are some of the most beautiful creatures on the planet.

Lesson learned:  So many times in life, the tape plays in our heads: I am not good enough, strong enough, or athletic enough.  I am too fat, thin, ugly, shy, I am not….enough.  Just like with the vultures, all of us, every single human being is both majestic and awkward at the same time. It is what makes us uniquely who we are.  And we are all absolutely valuable parts of the system of our lives.  We have value. Regardless of what anyone says about us or to us or how anyone judges us on being too fat, ugly, thin, dumb, not socially acceptable in whatever sphere we are in…we have value.  So let’s change the tape, push eject and put in a new one. We, no matter how we are judged for outward appearance, have value and we are beautiful. And it has no bearing on how smart, thin, athletic, rich, popular, young, or anything else other people perceive you to be. That beauty and value comes from the inside

My take away from all of this: We are all a vital part of the world around us.  We are all part of all who we have met…. and they are part of us. What diminishes one, diminishes all. What enhances one, enhances us all.  To diminish or judge others, we are actually diminishing and judging ourselves.  To compare ourselves to others, when we have our own unique place in the system, is to diminish our own worth and value. You have to believe it from the inside.

In 12 days, I will be home and I get to see Brooklyn and Charlotte.  Life is good.

Namaste

 

Wabi-Sabi

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Wabi-sabi is a Japanese term that represents acceptance of transience and imperfection. Beauty is imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete. The wabi-sabi aesthetic is asymmetric, austere, simplistic, modest, rough and non-regular. It promotes intimacy and appreciation of the integrity of natural objects and processes. (Source wikipedia).

When my dad had his first stroke, as part of his rehab he learned how to make oval shaker boxes that nested within each other. He gave sets to all of his daughters. The weekend that I was visiting him, he didn’t have any perfect ones left, he only had the imperfect set that he made when he was learning. He wanted to make me a “perfect” set, but to me, those were perfect. In their imperfection I saw his tenacity to fight through the health problems, to learn a new skill, to practice getting it right. I saw a craftsman who loved to build things with his hands. I saw the father I loved in that imperfection. Wabi-sabi. I would post a picture but they are packed in the boxes in my office.

My friends Tony and Ken demonstrate the wabi-sabi aesthetic in all the things they surround themselves with. P1030341Their home is so tastefully decorated and comfortable, you can’t help but feel refreshed and loved when you walk through the door. It has been a haven for me for the last 6 years. A great example of their sense of taste is in their dishes, none of which match, all which are imperfect yet, to me, they are absolutely stunning.

In many ways their love for me has also shown that aesthetic and that is true for all of my friends. My friends saw this broken, damaged woman and recognized the internal beauty in me, my spirit, and my story. Their love for me has helped that spirit come out. They didn’t love me because I am stunningly gorgeous, witty, sophisticated, charming, or cultured because I am none of those things. I am too serious, I swear like a sailor, I could seriously use a shot of botox for my squint lines, I am blunt and outspoken, and I wouldn’t know culture if it slapped me upside my head. But with all the flaws, they see the beauty of my compassion, my love for the physical world around me and the people in it, my vulnerability, my shame, my fears, and they still think I am beautiful. It is their love and belief in me safely tucked in my soul that gives me the courage to embark on this journey.

One of my cycling flaws is that I suck at hills. When I was riding with Steve Cooper (an amazing cyclist), he told me to find a phrase that could match my breathing and my cadence, a mantra that I could chant while climbing. My friend Jonathan told me about the wabi-sabi. So now, even though it isn’t perfect, my climbing like the rest of cycling and my whole life, is wabi-sabi. Filled with the joy of the impermanent, the imperfect, the incomplete…undefined. When you pass me on a climb, you will hear me sucking air into my lungs and feel the energy of my legs pushing the pedals to turn the crank arms on the bike to the rhythm of wabi-sabi. And that is true of all parts of my life. The good part of life is the imperfections, those things that make us unique.

Today, take the time to see the beauty in someone you love. Not the idea of beauty our western society imposes on us, but take a look for the imperfections, because they are truly what makes people beautiful.