Tag Archives: sabbatical

The next 50 years…

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Song for the day:  Tom Petty’s  “Learning to Fly”
I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings.  Coming down, is the hardest thing.
I’m learning to fly, around the clouds.  But what goes up, must come down.

I never said I was doing this right,  I just said I was doing it.  Yesterday, I needed a reality check. Thanks Carl, Panos and Dawit for helping me have a shift in perspective.

Sometimes, I need a good swift kick in the pants to wake me up. I have spent a week in the doom and gloom of the “woe is me” phenomena.  What if I made a mistake in coming here?  What if the situation doesn’t change, how am I going to do my job?  What if…what if…what if…   Carl, thank you for giving me the first perspective shift with that one sentence:  I am here now, so instead of complaining, what can I do to change the problems?  Yes, I know that I can’t change everything and I need to stop letting that be a limiting factor.  The question I need to ask myself is what CAN I do instead of dwelling on what I believe can’t happen.   Believing in what can’t happen is the limiting thought we all have at times, and it is the thing we need to fight more than any other human behavior.

It was once believed it was impossible for a human being to break the 4 minute mile in running, until one man did it. Within a year after the first man did it, over a hundred others had done it also.   As human beings, we are only limited by what we believe is impossible.  I have to believe that all things are possible.

The second perspective shift I had was when someone else told me that I “am part of the 50 year plan”. I need to stop thinking that I am going to save the world tomorrow.  I am one piece of a puzzle that fits together, hopefully effecting change in the next 50 years.  It is a process and I am just one cog in the process.  My business is STEM education.  The practical applications of STEM disciplines (engineering, applied math, technology, etc) are a major key to improving the quality of human life in basic services such as clean water, sanitation, energy, shelter, infrastructure, food production and communications.  I believe that we have a collective responsibility to improve the lives of people around the world in respect to these basic services and key to that provision is educating a generation of students capable of providing solutions in their own countries.  That is how I can effect change.  Now I just need to do that without whining.

Interesting thing about the 50 year plan:  I will turn 50 years old in a couple of weeks. So I will never see the 50 year plan come to fruition, I just have to believe that actions I take will actually make a difference.   In 50 more years, my two beautiful granddaughters will be my age. What kind of world will they get to live in?  And how can my actions today make it better for them when they are 50?

I get so irritated with myself for not being able to stop playing the tape in my head. Here is how my tape goes: “I miss my grandchildren and I miss enjoying firsthand what wonderful parents my son and daughter-in-law are.  I miss my beautiful effervescent daughter and all she adds to my daily life. I miss my amazing friends and the strength they give me every day to do the things I do.  I miss my bike.  I miss the freedom and independence of having a car to go wherever and whenever I want to. I miss being able to hang out on the internet all hours of the day”.  Okay…there is my pity party… now … get over it Robin. Shut the tape off.  The third perspective shift I am going to give myself right now.  Here it goes:   I have had the most amazing life anyone could ask for.  I have been able to travel to every inhabited continent on the planet.  I have had an incredible career that has allowed me to make a difference in so many peoples’ lives.  I have the two most remarkable children on the planet and they are both now in relationships with loving partners who are as wonderful as they are.  On top of all that, I am blessed with these two intelligent, loving, beautiful grandchildren that astonish me every time I am around them.  I have a loving family and supportive friends.  So WHAT TO HELL AM I COMPLAINING ABOUT????  I need to do the job I came here to do and know that all those things will be there when I get back.

When I focus on the negative aspects of life and my situation, I am a pretty miserable person. When I take the time to notice and give thanks for the positive things in life, I am a happy person.  So today I have a choice: miserable or happy, what is it going to be?

Today, my goal is to take pictures of the beauty I see around me.  There are a lot of things that are horrific, but there even more things that are beautiful.  Today is a day to focus on the beauty of Addis Ababa.  No complaining.  One day at a time.  Breathe, be aware, smile, and own it.  50 more years…

The practical side:

Practically speaking, I would say our greatest need is for a generator so that we could have consistent power.  Second most important is means of communication, both snail-mail and internet.  I am going to research the cost of a post-office box for the school and I am trying to find out how to get satellite internet.  I see satellite dishes everywhere and there has to be a reason for that.  But of course satellite dishes require power so we are back to our greatest need of a generator.

The Well of Strength

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I have to admit I am struggling, more than I could have ever thought possible.  We haven’t had power in 24 hours and I was sick for about 8 of those hours, I slept for over 12 of the rest.  We haven’t had internet all week. I am so used to being connected to my family, it just feels like a huge loss not to have them there every day even just virtually. 

Physical strength requires exercise.  When we exercise, it can hurt or be difficult but it is what will make our muscles strong.  I believe emotional strength and resilience is similar.  It doesn’t get stronger when everything is perfect all the time.  Emotional strength is gained through struggle.  Somewhere, down deep inside myself, is a well of strength that I have cultivated over the last years that I need to draw on. When I was going through my divorce, that was my mantra:  The pain I go through today will become the well of strength I will draw on tomorrow.  I need to reach inside myself and draw on that well right now.  I am made of sterner stuff than I am demonstrating.   

I don’t remember ever crying as much as I have in the past week.  I will not just turn tail and run away because things are a little challenging.  I have to give it enough time.  Usually, when I write this blog, I find the act of typing out whatever I am whining about helps me turn things around so that I can see the good side of the situation.  I need that ability right now.   June seems so far away.

So, what am I whining about?  Lack of power, lack of internet connection, the inability to communicate, and just the enormity of being in this strange place where hyenas howl at night, roads are rivers of mud, and I have no sense of connection to anyone here.  I am trying to build relationships at the same time as juggling the strangeness of the land and the environment.  I just have to figure it out and get in a routine and it will be better.  Having regular times for internet usage, routines for going to the store, etc all will help normalize things.  Right now it is almost overwhelming with all the differences.  Not almost, it IS overwhelming.  

I wish I had a bike.  Riding my bike would give me a way to find my center.  

A Sense of Community

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There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community. ~ M. Scott Peck

Village house

Village house

Ethiopia is not what I expected.  The truth is, I am not sure that anyone could ever imagine what it is like until you experience it with your own senses. The sounds, the smells, the absolute essence of stepping back in time to the birthplace of humanity, none of that can be understood until you experience it. It is truly an amazing place.

The street near my school

The street near my school

Ethiopia is a contrasts in opposites. New, modern houses are built next to shanties.  Horses, donkeys, goats, etc share the road with cars.  Farmers growing teff to make injera and using wooden plows next to a modern university of stone and glass. Barefoot beggars share the street with men in Armani suits.  People precariously cross the highway, dodging between buses, taxis and livestock. Beautiful new buildings are constructed with scaffolding made from eucalyptus branches. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to any of it.  Some would call it chaos.  I call it humanity.

Church on the hill

Church on the hill

The sights, sounds, smells, and tastes of Ethiopia are like seeing, hearing, smelling, and tasting time itself.  It is the oldest culture in the world.  Time is started at daylight, when the sun comes up, so dawn is 1 o’clock…a new day.   Every morning at dawn, the monks from a nearby church greet the day with chanting and drums.  I lay in bed and listen to the sounds as well as the oxen lowing in a nearby field. The smells of sewage are offset by the smell of freshly cut grass.  The sour taste of injera, spicy wot, and the most amazing coffee I have ever had in my life make all my taste buds come alive.

Eucalyptus scaffolding

Eucalyptus scaffolding

Having always traveled as a tourist, I am realizing that visiting in a foreign country is very different from living in one.  It is strange and foreign land after spending my life in the sterile environment of the U.S., a place where everything seems so orderly by comparison.  In the US, I turn on a faucet and have clean drinking water.  I flick a switch and have dependable electricity.  I pay a bill and have reliable internet access. I want groceries and supplies for my home, I can get it all at one store. Life is easy in the U.S.

Shanties

Shanties

In Ethiopia, life is harder. The internet hasn’t worked in 3 weeks at my school (I came to am American hotel and had to pay $15 for a day of wifi), the power goes out on a daily basis, shopping requires several stops to different stores and paying the ferengi [foreigner] price, and then there are the daily difficulties of acquiring clean water.  For me it is difficult but still easier than it is for most Ethiopians, because I have money and resources.  For the average Ethiopian, it is much harder. To offset the hardships, people here depend on each other.

Modern housing

Modern housing

There is a sense of community, history, and belonging that I rarely see in the U.S. where we don’t need each other for basic survival.  But in our isolation from each other, Americans also lose a sense of emotional connection that many (including myself) continually search for.  Connection and community are two things go hand in hand.  But to be connected, we have to be vulnerable to people.  We have to open up and show others what we need and we have to meet those needs in other people in our community. For many of us, this kind of vulnerability is hard.

Brooklyn

Brooklyn

Charlotte

Charlotte

So I begin this year of renewal and transformation.  I am not convinced yet that I can do it, either the job I am being asked to do or just staying so long outside the U.S.  I am already missing my family terribly.  Spending the last week with Charlotte and Brooklyn has made me long for more time with them.   I long for a sense of community of my own.

NOTE: I had a lot of trouble with pictures today.  I forgot the cord to the camera that I had the majority of my photo on back at my apartment. So here is link to the ones I already uploaded to my drive. I will try to put the rest up later when I get back to an internet connection.  http://sdrv.ms/1dxhsFh

Next stop…Africa

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I was out running errands on Monday, planning on spending my last evening with my wonderful family, when I decided to check my flight times for the next day and lo and behold…I had the wrong day. Fortunately, I didn’t miss my flight but it sure got my adrenaline pumping to be leaving in 3 hours when I thought I still had 27 hours.  Unfortunately, it made my goodbyes to my family much shorter.  But maybe that was for the best.  I tend to let things drag on otherwise.

I have no great words of wisdom this morning.  Today is the day.  When I wake up tomorrow morning, I will be in Africa.  Although I am scared, my fear doesn’t own me.  I know that anything that I have forgotten can be taken care of once I get there.  I don’t know what to expect, I am probably the most unprepared traveler on the planet.  For someone who has always been a planner, that should be freaking me out.  But for whatever reason, it isn’t.

I will have some pictures of my new home on my next post.  I am not sure when that will be, but I promise it will have pictures. Let the journey begin…

A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us. ~John Steinbeck

The Journey of 1000 miles…

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Sometimes, I think life tests us.  Every time I have had some kind of insecurity about this decision, life will throw some kind of obstacle in my way which I have been interpreting as “see you can’t do it”, but I think the question life is trying to get me to ask is “how important is it to you?”.

I leave tomorrow for Washington DC.  Then fly out Wednesday morning for Africa.  My big worry was my obscene amount of baggage and how I will negotiate it all around the Addis Ababa airport.  I have 3 checked bags and a small carry on and backpack.  I think I need to cut one bag out.  That means either leave some of the clothes or some of the school supplies I wanted to bring.

That was my big worry, until the fire ants struck. Mean little beasties, fire ants are.  For those who don’t know me, I am deathly allergic to fire ants.  I was coming home from the store yesterday, in a hurry and not looking where I was going and stepped in a mound of fire ants.  Fortunately, thanks to reacting quickly, I am fine except for a painful foot.  It was an inconvenience but one that had me saying “you can’t even watch what you are doing in your own country, how are you going to go to another country, negotiate baggage, find your way around, figure out how to teach a class that doesn’t speak your language…etc etc”.  The litany of “I can’ts” began.

So today, I have to purchase the last of my supplies.  Spray my mosquito net with Permethrin, have lunch with a friend, repack and try to get rid of a suitcase full of clothes.  Sometime in there, spend my last day with my son, daughter-in-law, and grandbabies.  I really should have finished the packing thing earlier.  There just hasn’t been time to get my stuff done and visit with everyone also.

So I am stressing and when I get anxious and start to panic, I start focusing on all that I can’t do rather than on what I can.  Right now, it is full-blown panic time, so the “I can’ts” have possession of my otherwise positive attitude.  I have to remember that it is one step at a time. I need to start with the first item on my list and go until I have finished the list.  One step at a time. The journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step. I just need to begin.  I can figure the rest out as I go.

Deep breath Robin.  Remember to breathe, stay present, and be aware.  You can totally do this.  I wish Matt was here.

Sometimes, it is the right question at just the right time…

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I have 5 more days in the US, 4 here in North Carolina with my son and his family and then 1 day in Washington DC before leaving for my new home in Africa.  As a person who has always considered herself a homebody, this is stretching me a lot.  I read an article this morning about the state of the telecom industry and the unreliability of wifi and I am worrying about how to stay connected with my family and friends who are such a great source of support for me.  I guess I will have to figure it out.

My son asked me a great question the other night that really made me think.  He asked me what I was most looking forward to.  I gave him a quick answer but then I really started thinking about the question more in depth.  I think the thing that I am most looking forward to is a whole year of teaching math at the high school level.

For the record, I loved teaching high school math.  I love that level of mathematics and I enjoy seeing students get excited about a subject that is difficult and frustrating while also necessary and essential for 21st century life. High school math is the gatekeeper to higher education so the ability to teach students and watch them reach their potential so they have the opportunity to go to college is a huge source of satisfaction for me.  I have missed it the last 12 years of my life while I have been in higher education. I am looking forward to seeing my students in Ethiopia reach that potential.  I am even looking forward to the challenges of having to negotiate two languages and limited resources.

I have also missed that age group of students.  They are just on the cusp of becoming adults. They have so much potential and aren’t yet jaded with ideas of what they “can’t” do.  At that age, they believe they can change the world.  At 49, I am still one of those people that never lost that belief that I can change the world and being around their energy always just fills up my spirit.

I left teaching in 2001 to go back and get a PhD because I didn’t feel like I knew everything I needed to be able to reach all my students.  I always intended to go back the classroom.  Teaching in higher education was never a goal for me. I left a very collaborative high school teaching situation and went to grad school and was captivated by research.  I think my love of research had more to do with interacting with a group of intelligent grad students and professors who were having great conversations and working together to find solutions for the problems in education.  Being an isolated faculty member in higher education isn’t like it was in grad school.  Research loses its luster when it is done in isolation.

The other issue I have in higher education is the content I am currently teaching.  I am a great math teacher.  I am great at facilitating professional development for teachers who like me, just want to know more about how to teach their students better.  I suck at teaching math education to people who have never taught before and who have no idea what teaching is really going to be like.  I find I have little tolerance for rigid ideas of what classrooms are “supposed” to be like. I think classrooms are as individual as the teachers and students who fill them and what works for one teacher and group of students isn’t necessarily going to work for another. So when I teach math education, I have tried to teach aspiring teachers to find their own way.  The college students I teach perceive that I am not actually “teaching” them anything.  The problem is that I can’t teach them what they want to know and I don’t have the patience and tolerance for consistently trying to break through their ingrained beliefs of what education is “supposed” to be like that my colleagues seem to be able to do.

Between the frustrations of research and teaching, I have not been very successful in my current position so I am most looking forward to the chance to get back to my roots.  I am looking forward to teaching high school math again. I hope it will help me make some decisions about my future.

Three bags and me

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At the beginning of the week, I wondered how I was going to get my belongings condensed one last time.  I had one checked bag, one carry-on bag and two computer cases.  That is one piece too many for my airline.  Knowing I was flying out of Seattle on Friday, I dreaded the moment where I would have to figure out what to leave behind.  Finally last night, I faced it. I almost allowed myself to justify the $35 for an extra bag and then I remembered all the lessons I have learned over the last few months of culling.  I knew there was something in those bags that I didn’t really need.

So I went back to my hotel after a wonderful meal of burritos of complete with homemade tortillas and amazing refried beans (thanks Michelle) and the company of some of the best teachers in eastern Washington and I took everything out of the cases and spread it out on the floor. With each item, I asked myself the same question I asked weeks early when I was moving out of my apartment: Is this item worth taking up the space in one of the 3 remaining cases I was allowing myself?  At the end of two hours, I had one checked bag, one carry-on bag, and one computer case.  I donated a final bag to the Goodwill this morning.

And then, an amazing thing happened this morning.  I woke up, looked at those three cases, realized that by the end of today those cases and myself would all I would have to worry about.  By the end of the day, I will be homeless, carless, and on a plane to the east coast.  Three bags and me. That is it. Do you know what it felt like?  It felt like freedom.

One day, at the beginning of this, just after I had made the decision to give up all my things and reboot my life, I was stressing over everything.  Matt said to me, “Robin you are going to feel better really soon.  All that stuff is weighing you down.”  I have to admit, I didn’t believe him or any of the other people that told me that.  Now suddenly, all the things I have been stressing over aren’t making me anxious anymore.  I know that it is all going to work out. If I don’t have something I need, I realize that I can make do with what I have, even if it isn’t as convenient. What I have is enough.  I am enough.

It sometimes seems like my whole life has been preparing me for this moment.

When I think of it that way, I realize I can’t have any regrets of the difficulties and challenges that have brought me to this place, because I couldn’t be doing this without going through each one of those challenges.  And what I am doing is really amazing.  Amazing, exciting, and wonderful.  I have the best life ever.

I know that there will be challenges over the next year.  I am not thinking everything will be sunshine and roses.  But those new challenges of the next year will lay the groundwork for the next exciting lesson I will learn that will lead me to the next adventure of my life. And in each one of those adventures, there is a story.  Ultimately, just like a quilt, it is a collection stories woven together that make up our lives.

Right now, my life consists of three bags and me.

 

This action cannot be undone. Are you sure you want to continue?

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kerry park

View of downtown Seattle from Kerry Park

I woke up this morning to the quintessential Seattle summer day.  Temperatures in the mid 60s F, no humidity, beautiful blue sky. It is the exact same kind of day as the day I moved here 6 years ago.  I spent some time this morning reflecting on that move.  Reflecting on what it felt like to leave my (adult) children and family back on the east coast, a job in which I excelled, a community of friends, a beautiful home, a life that I had thought was perfect, and the ruins of my marriage. I didn’t think I would ever be happy again.

northern cascades

Northern Cascades

When I first got to Seattle, all I wanted to do was go back home to a place where I understood the culture, job, everything…I just wanted my old life back, but that couldn’t happen.  I couldn’t go back in time, no matter how much I wished things were different. So I struggled to create a life here. I made friends, had some career success, explored new hobbies, and discovered the beauty and majesty of the PNW.   I carved a life for myself here and I didn’t realize it until recently when I gave everything up and now am on the precipice of changing it all again.

liberty bell

Liberty Bell Peak

When I woke up this morning, all I could think of is that I don’t want to leave.  I want my old apartment back, to go on daily walks with Tony, have coffee with my beautiful daughter, ride my bike, ski with my friends, write papers, go camping, and enjoy the place I live. For the last 6 years, I have only thought of this place as a temporary stopping point, and it has taken giving up everything and getting ready to leave to make me realize how much I actually love it here.  I don’t think I would have come to that understanding without having gone through the exercise of leaving.

Commitments have been made however, so there is no backing out now, nor would I want to.  I need to finish the “reboot” of my life which has only just begun. Right now, I have deleted the hard drive, now it is time to reinstall and update the software. That is an analogy to the changes that I need to be made so that I can come back to this place from a position of strength and continue the identity formation to become the woman I want to be.  I think Africa is going to do that for me.  At the very least, it is going to change me.

IMG_9597So leaving today is bittersweet.  I will miss this place but at the same time will have a great adventure. The learning, growth, and change that has happened to me in Seattle will happen again in Africa.  I have a feeling at the end of next year, when I get ready to leave Africa, I am going to feel the same as I do right now, I won’t want to leave.

IMG_9594Seattle, farewell for now.  I leave you with a cheesy movie line… I’ll be back.

All changes are more or less tinged with melancholy, for what we are leaving behind is part of ourselves. ~Amelia Barr

Jump and the net will appear. ~John Burroughs

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I don’t actually believe the saying “Jump and the net will appear”.  From what I understand about life, I think that sometimes we jump and we just hit the ground and there isn’t any net.  Nothing catches us, we just fall flat on our faces.   Yeah, I know…ouch.

I come from a family who believes in pragmatism.  My brother, the one that is our mom’s favorite, buys a new truck about every 10 years.  When he was 50, he bought a new truck and told everyone he was “two trucks from death”.  When questioned on that, he would say,”I am 50 years old, if I buy a truck every 10 years I will buy another when I am 60 and one more when I am 70.  Chances are, I will be dead when I am 80 so I am two trucks from death.  I come from a family that is “that kind” of pragmatic.  They approach life with humor, grace, realism, and incredible bluntness.  My brother currently has a job where he has use of a work truck to commute and he only puts about 1000 miles a year on his personal truck so it should last another 30 years.  He now calls it the “death truck”.  When you go to visit, he will say “don’t bother renting a car, you can just drive the death truck”.  Yeah…that is my family and they are amazing. I love them dearly.

family

Family vacation, circa 1966

My family has never been one on ceremony or flowery speaking. They understand life on an elemental level. Maybe it is because of the dramatic change of seasons in New England where they live, or maybe it is the harshness of the winters, I don’t know. I just know that they understand that there are seasons of our lives just like there are seasons in the world around us.  To demonstrate that, when we had a family reunion, they would say “look around you, there are three groups of people. There are the young kids swimming in the frigid cold lake, the 30- and 40-somethings playing horseshoes, and then all the old guys over there talking politics”.  When they themselves, in their 50s and 60s, started gravitating to the politics group, they acknowledged it and accepted it with that same bluntness and realism, knowing that they had reached another season of their lives.  One of the best things about them is you always know right where you stand with them. They have hearts of gold, but don’t ask them a question you don’t really want to know the answer to, because they will give it to you.

When I moved to Seattle I was 44.  My brother told me then, “Robin, you’ve got 30 more years.  In your seventies, you aren’t going to be learning how to kayak, ride a mountain bike, ski etc.  If there is something you want to learn how to do, you need to do it now. Otherwise, you will be like our mother who is in her seventies sitting around lamenting about all the things she wishes she had done in her life but now doesn’t have the capacity to do”.  My brother isn’t saying I can’t learn anything or have adventures after 70, he is reminding me to take advantage of every moment of my life so I won’t have regrets.  I remind myself of that often.

Ever since I started talking about teaching in Ethiopia, I have had wavering feelings about what I am doing. That is probably pretty normal with such a big undertaking.  And of course, with my type A personality, I think I have to do it perfectly. Which means that I beat myself up whenever I have a self-doubt.  I also have this crazy idea that I have to deal with it all on my own, without accepting any help from anyone else.  Needless to say, the past couple of weeks have been ones of ups and downs.  I have the feeling that will happen several more times before I am finally on the plane.

photo

Saying goodbye to friends

The downs have happened when I have been overwhelmed by details of international visas, travel arrangements, all the unknown obstacles of long term international travel and work, dealing with my physical stuff here in the U.S. and dealing with the emotion behind leaving my friends and family that I love.  The ups have occurred when I tell people about what I am going to do and they say, “I have a friend who lives/lived in Addis, let me connect you” and I get these emails from people around the world who tell me how much I am going to love it.  They give me connections to great coffee shops, restaurants, and insights into things to do. And not just in the city, but things that will call to my adventurous side also. Places like the Simien Mountains, the Danakil depression, Gondar, the Blue Nile Falls, and Lake Tana and when I look at the pictures, I can’t help but be excited by the adventure. Those times I feel like I can totally do this.

Even more important, I have spent the first half of my life figuring out what my values are, what I believe in, and what I am willing to risk taking a stand for.  This is an opportunity for me to be able to make a difference and it is an opportunity that not many people get. I understand how fortunate I am.  Now it is time to put those values and beliefs into action…to put my time and effort into being the change I want to see in the world.

Some people can affect change in the world by what they say so eloquently. I have always envied those people who can articulate themselves so perfectly. I am not one of them.  I, like my brothers, am too blunt and pragmatic.  But what I lack in communication skills, I make up for in action, I figure out ways to make things happen.  But in order to do that, first I have to jump, net or no net…because I only have 30 more years.

You have to let go of all you have … in order to gain the world

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Real freedom is having nothing. I was freer when I didn’t have a cent. ~Mike Tyson

I have struggled to write this blog post.  Sometimes, I am overwhelmed by too many choices.  For most of my life I haven’t had to face a lot of choices.  My life has been one of survival.  The choices I faced were almost always binary, i.e. do I keep this job or be unemployed, can I afford to buy this or not.  Binary choices are easy. An abundance of choices is more difficult.

I have worked very hard throughout my life and for the most part, have done a very good job at what I do.  It has gained me some notoriety and opened lots of doors for a successful career.  I also have been a relatively decent human being and that has gained me a fair amount of people who love me and who I love spending time with. I am extremely grateful for both of those things and for all the choices they have given me.

One of the things I have struggled with is how to make a choice between several equally great things where there is no bad choice to eliminate. I struggle with trying to figure out what I really want. Right now, I am struggling with my sabbatical. I have had so many great offers to do incredible work in exotic places. I have choices to have amazing personal experiences like riding bikes, hiking, diving, etc with fascinating people in places I have never dreamed I would get to go in my life.  I have wonderful choices to visit and spend time with people I love in places that are dear to heart.  And I haven’t been able to choose.

So I tried to think about how to combine them so I could do it all, and frankly, it stressed me out. I struggled to make the choice which will make everyone happy and meet everyone’s needs.  But what I really needed to be asking myself is “what do I want to do?”. Such a simple, yet complex question.

In writing out this blog post, what I realized is that it is about letting go. I have already let go of my physical stuff. Now I need to let go of people’s expectations for me.  I need to let go of the idea of disappointing people.  I need to let go of my own ideas of failure and success.  I need to let go of fear of the unknown.  I need to let go of all of those things so that my hands are empty and my heart is open.  Only then will I be ready to reach for whatever is to be my destiny.

I have decided this week to accept an offer to teach in Ethiopia for the next year.  There will be some side trips to a few other countries for vacation, other work and to visit with my beautiful granddaughters, but the majority of my sabbatical will be spent in Ethiopia.  It is a chance to do work that is some of the most innovative and has a greater potential for impact on humanity, on my career, and on me personally than anything I have done thus far.

As I was writing out that line, I realized…it is what I want to do.