An elimination diet for your soul…

Posted on January 22, 2014 by rangotti

Have you ever done an elimination diet? It is an extreme diet that people do when they are having digestion problems or allergies and want to isolate what particular foods are causing their distress. The dieter takes their nutrition down to the basics for a few weeks and then add in foods one at a time to see what particular foods are contributing to their physical difficulties. It is really hard, but it make so much sense. How else will they figure out what makes them feel good or bad so they can make adjustments? It is virtually impossible when you are eating all your regular foods to isolate the combinations that are problematic. Before people go to that extreme, they start with a food journal, writing down what they ate and how they feel, but when that doesn’t work, it is time for an elimination diet.

Right now with everything I have done in the past year, I feel like I have been on an elimination diet for my soul and I am finally at the place where I get to add stuff back in, slowly and deliberately with one thing being added in at a time. That way, I get to try it, see how it feels, and decide if it makes me feel good enough to keep in my life. When I got back, I started off too fast, trying to go right back to the life I had. But as Matt reminded me recently, I am not that person anymore. So after Jan 1, I have been being a lot more deliberate in my actions and in the relationships I am cultivating.

So what have I added back?

Skiing: I have been doing a lot of skiing by myself and with just a few very close friends. It has renewed my love for the sound of the snow under my skis, the smell of the mountain air, the breathtaking views, the solitude when I am alone, and just the whole body sensation of flying down a mountain. I love to ski. The last couple of years I allowed myself to get too wrapped up in the social aspect of skiing and needed to step away. It is really a joy to reconnect with the sport I love on its elemental level.

Yesterday, I got my bike ready to ride and I am going to ride either tomorrow or Saturday. The only thing I love as much as skiing is riding my bike. I don’t need to go fast, climb better than anyone else, dress in appropriate attire or any of that stuff that cyclists worry about. Getting caught up in all that made me hate riding my bike. I just love the feeling of being outdoors, braving the weather, feeling like I am one with the machine that is making me fly along, just pure joy coursing through my body as my heart, lungs and legs make me remember that I am alive. It makes me feel like I am a 10 year old. This time, I am going to take the advice of my friend, Cindy and make time for pie at the end of a ride.

Kerry Park view

I have been enjoying going to some of the great places that I love in Seattle, happy hours up on the Hill with Tony, going up to Kerry Park for meditation and reflection, riding the ferries, the beauty of rural Snohomish County, the jaw-dropping views of the Cascades and Olympics, cooking in a real kitchen again, sharing laughter and a meal with my roommate and her daughter, building a fire, chopping and stacking wood, and learning how to knit. These are all things I am keeping.

But it hasn’t been easy. I have struggled and even messed up a few times. The other day, I bought sheets and a blanket. Now I own household stuff again. I have to admit, it was a little traumatizing. It made me feel tied down. I made it worse when I then watched “Into the Wild” for the first time and it made me feel REALLY tied down. I have struggled with trying to work on a grant and a few publications. But mostly, I have struggled when the people who know me from my former life put pressure on me to be the way I was. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to say yes to everyone and allow people to treat me badly just so that I won’t offend anyone or let anyone down. Because ultimately, when I act that way, all I am doing is letting myself down. That has meant culling some relationships that aren’t healthy for me which has hurt people because they don’t understand why I am not just like I used to be. It is hard not having any answers for them of when I will want to do things again, because the honest answer is that I may never want to do some things again.

Olympics and a Washington State ferry in the Puget Sound

Right now, all I know right now is this, I feel better than I ever remember feeling. I am making decisions based on strength and on what I really want to do. My past doesn’t control me, fear doesn’t control me, and my choices are my own. So I guess, the elimination diet for the soul is working so far.

You’ve got to dance with the one that brung ya…

Posted on January 9, 2014 by rangotti

You’ve got to dance with the one that brung ya…I have always liked that phrase. To me, it is a reminder to do what is right even when others would suggest otherwise and to be loyal to those in my life who have helped me get where I am.

The reality of my life is that I got to where I am…a person having great adventures, happy, centered, feeling, and living every moment… because of all the things that have happened to me. Take away any part and I wouldn’t be me. I have spent a lot of time bemoaning things especially when I am at low points like when I am scared or lonely… but bemoaning and regrets are not only futile, they take away from my power to be who I think I am and that I want to be. And that is my goal, to be the person I think I am.

One of the things that got me here is the loss of my marriage to someone who I loved with all my heart which was the catalyst for change, good change that brought me to where I am at this moment. That path to change started with marriage therapy, it was the first dance that got me here.

I am not a big fan of the mental health care system even though I have several close friends who are therapists and I respect and appreciate what they do. One of my major concerns is that there is too much power given to the therapist with the assumption that they will act with ethics but no policing of that system unless a client complains. However there is little client education of boundaries and appropriate behavior so when the therapist crosses a boundary, the client takes it on trust that the therapist knows what they are doing, even if the situation feels icky and uncomfortable. The trust required in the therapeutic relationship allows therapists to wield enormous psychological influence which, when handled correctly, produces the magic of positive change in people’s lives. But when handled incorrectly can produce devastating results. I know because it is what happened to me.

I trusted my marriage therapist with all my heart, way more than I should have ever trusted a service provider. I told him all of my secrets, things that I had never told any living person. As a result, therapy was very successful for me, although not so much for my marriage. I sent him daily journals via email, he said it helped make him a better therapist knowing all my thoughts. I paid him even though he was still in graduate school and shouldn’t have accepted money. When therapy “ended” when I moved to Seattle, I continued to communicate with him weekly and send him my journals. A couple of months later, he moved to Seattle where we started riding mountain bikes, kayaking, skiing, I introduced him to my social group, I watched his dog every weekend, took him to dinner, he stored his stuff in my house and even stayed at my house. In all of this, I paid for everything. All the while I was still sending him my journals and telling him my problems. In my mind he was still my therapist.

We first crossed the major boundary the night before Thanksgiving in 2007 when we went out drinking and he got hammered. When I drove him home, we stayed up talking until after 3 am. That started a three year “friendship”. Multiple times I told him that it didn’t “feel” right, that I couldn’t separate the therapist from the “friend”. He would assure me that it was all in my head. And he was right, it was. In my head, I knew it was wrong. So I found another therapist to help me figure that out. She reported him to the licensing board. The state of Washington found that I was an “isolated incident, unlikely to happen again” so he can keep his practice. End of story. Except that it wasn’t.

For me, the loss of this person who had been so instrumental to me, who I had trusted without question, was psychologically and emotionally one of the most devastating ordeals of my life. I almost didn’t make it. It was with the help of a bunch of people from an online bike forum that I found my voice and my power again. I can never repay what they gave me, freely, without knowing me or expecting anything from me in return.

Needless to say, there have been some huge violations of trust for me from the mental health community. So what I am about to do scares the absolute daylights out of me. I have realized that, although I have the best life ever, there are a couple of areas that I could work on to make it even better. And I need some help with that. So I am leaping…I made an appointment and I am going back to therapy. This time, I am armed with knowledge of what therapy should and should not be. This time, I am going to therapy from a position of strength, not in a moment of weakness. I won’t allow myself to be preyed upon because I am not the same person anymore (thanks Matt for the reminder). It is time I learn how to trust again.

And so I am dancing… with the one that brung me… not the former exploitative therapist, but with the mental health care profession in general. I am taking the risk to be able to have the life I want. My goal is to be the person that I believe I am.

On being human…

Posted on January 7, 2014 by rangotti

Sometimes I wonder at how the human race has been able to survive. Humans can be pretty stupid. At least this human can. There are a set of behaviors that, when I do them, make me feel great. When I don’t do them or do them half-assed, then I feel like crap. So it seems really simple that I would do the behaviors right? Wrong.

When I am not exercising, I make every excuse in the world to not go exercise. I say things like I don’t feel well, or I didn’t sleep well, or I don’t have time because I need to work… blah, blah, blah. In actuality, if I make time to exercise then I have more energy to get more work done, I sleep better and it makes me feel amazingly great.

That leads to the question, why don’t I consistently exercise? I am sort of a yo-yo exerciser. There are times in my life that I have been very consistent, usually when my life is in routine. Then something happens, usually something big that takes me out of my routine…a death, surgery, moving, etc. And then months (years) go by until I am on the edge of miserable and pick up the threads of exercise again and get into a routine. You’d think by now, at 50 years old, I have learned to keep my exercise routine especially when my life is out of routine. Nope, not yet.

Another behavior that I have to do to maintain good health is eat right. I am not a fan of any certain diet plan, but I do believe we are what we eat so I prefer to just eat real food. I try to eat things that have ingredients my grandmother would have recognized. So nothing that contains diglycerides or weird words like that and no “artificial” colors or flavors. I mean really, what is in an artificial flavor anyway? Why not just use the real flavor? When I eat real food, my body just feels good.

When I am not eating right, I make every excuse in the world to eat crap. I don’t have time because of work, I don’t feel well so I want comfort food, I am tired so don’t feel like cooking wholesome food… blah, blah, blah. In actuality, if I make time to cook great food, I have more energy for work, I feel better and I sleep better. HMM…I am seeing a pattern here.

So why don’t I just eat right all the time? Well usually it starts with doing something outside my routine like visiting people or going to a party, packing and moving, traveling, etc….times when it is easy to stop for something quick or throw together something processed. Then it just spirals downward. Finally, when I feel like crap, I get back into a routine of cooking and then I feel great again. You’d think by now, at 50 years old, I’d have learned the lesson of staying in a routine of eating well especially when my life is out of its routine. Nope, not yet.

A third behavior is making time for fun, rest and relaxation. When I do that each day, give myself a little time to just let down, I am a lot more centered and happy. But instead, I take fun activities and make them stressful by putting pressure on myself to do things perfectly. Riding or working on a bike should be a fun activity, but I have to do it perfectly. Skiing should be a fun activity but I have to do it perfectly. Knitting should be a fun activity but I have to do it perfectly. I can suck the joy right out of a fun activity. So in essence, I make things chores that should be fun. When I allow myself to let go and relax, I feel better, sleep better, and have more energy for work. Unfortunately, I don’t just practice perfection when I am out of routine, I do it all the time. I should change my name to Joyce Ucher. By 50 years old, you’d think I’d have learned to work on consistently making time for fun and relaxation every day. Nope, not yet.

No, I haven’t learned all of life’s lessons yet, but that is the great part of being human, to allow myself to make mistakes, very human mistakes. I feel great right now because I have been sticking to my intentions and my plans for my life that I made back in Nepal. I am getting back in a routine…. which is very different from the way my life has been since I started this blog.

So here is my lesson: today is a new day. So whether you have stuck to your New Year’s resolutions or not, cut yourself some slack. Remember that each day is a new day, it doesn’t have to be on January 1. You can start again. Today.

For me, today, I will do my best to eat right, exercise and relax. Tomorrow, I will do my best for that day. And maybe by the time I am 80, I will have learned. Nope, probably not… but the thing I hope to have learned is just to do my best…every day. I am never going to be perfect and I have to stop beating myself up whenever I am not.

Cheers and happy New Day! Robin

The life cycle of traditions

Posted on December 22, 2013 by rangotti

Some people, when given a sign, know exactly how to read that sign and what they should do about it. For me, the universe pretty much has to hit me over the head with a sign before I listen and change my course of action or beliefs.

When I was a teenager, I was pretty troubled. An old native American told me that I wouldn’t find my true spirit until I walked with the Raven. I didn’t know what he meant and I spent much of my life trying to decipher those words through the situations and the people around me. What I have realized is that even as a teenager, those words gave me hope. He didn’t tell me that I would never find my spirit, but that it would happen in the future. Hope is what most people need to get through life’s difficulties.

Last summer, I had the opportunity to travel around the country. Everywhere I went, when something transformative happened, there was a Raven there. I couldn’t help but remember the old man’s words. And at the time, it felt like chains were being released, emotional chains. Later in the year, I had the opportunity to go to Nepal and paraglide with Egyptian vultures. When I got back, one of my friends joked with me that my new name was Soars with Eagles. I laughed and made a joke back to him in the manner of friends teasing each other and then forgot about his comment until yesterday.

Photo by Richard A.

I have known I was a different person since I was in Nepal. Traveling changed me a lot. When I got back to Seattle, I was walking through a wooded area to the gym and the Raven story was on my mind. I looked up at one point in my walk and there, about 30 feet from me, was a gorgeous American bald eagle looking at me. He was just sitting in a dead tree and he was staring at me. It was one of those times where the hair on the back of my neck started to stand up and that odd feeling that something special was happening, where my gut was churning with emotion. Finally, after what felt like hours, he spread his wings and flew off.

I have a friend who is a shaman and when I told her about it she said “I think you are entering a new time in your life and the eagle is your guide”. Again, being the scientific linear thinking person that I am, I put it out of my mind. Then yesterday, when my roommate and I were trying to figure out what movie to watch for our solstice celebration (read more below), she said “the only appropriate movie I can think of is Dances with Wolves”. At that moment, all of the signs I just wrote about above converged in my head.

I realized the tradition of the raven was over. As a story, the last chapter of is written, now all I needed to find was a way to close it out. About an hour later, my friends Nick and Sarah called and asked if I wanted to meet for lunch at Black Raven Brewery. Yeah, okay universe, I get it. Nick, Sarah and I shared food and beer and toasted to lots of upcoming adventures we are planning. It was a great symbolic way to put an end to the Raven. But just because a story ends, doesn’t mean the characters in the story stop living, it just means they need to find another story to begin. Our stories, like all the traditions of our lives, have a life cycle.

Everyone has traditions. They are a fundamental part of the structure of the lives of human beings. We have traditions surrounding all of the big events in life: marriage, birth, death, etc. We also have everyday traditions or routines like brushing our teeth or going out for an Americano. And then there are traditions surrounding holidays and special days like birthdays or anniversaries. And then there are faith-based traditions. All of them are important parts of who we are.

Since my divorce, the holidays have been very difficult because those traditions, those foundational structures of my life, were just instantaneously dissolved, there was no closure or slow letting go. Getting older has also ended certain traditions, although through a slower process. My children have their own families now and are spending holidays and creating new traditions with those families just as they should be.

For me, I think that is one of the hardest parts of entering the autumn of my life. I guess like most people, I struggle with things changing. The empty nest syndrome when combined with the loss of your life partner is definitely a time of radical change. And just like any loss, traditions can’t just easily be replaced by something else. It takes closure and time to grieve for their loss before you can start a new tradition and that process has to be respected.

When my kids were younger and I was married, holidays were filled with time spent with my children, extended family, passing around a blessing cup for giving thanks, Christmas lights, caroling, great food, lots of love, homemade pizza, decorating the Christmas tree, stocking stuffer shopping followed by lunch with my ex-husband, and many other wonderful memories. I have missed those traditions, but just like I am finding with many parts of my life, I am ready to move on.

So yesterday, it hit me. I have been trying hard to recreate traditions to replace what has been lost. But just like with a lost pet or loved one, what is lost is gone forever. I have beautiful memories of that time in my life and by trying to totally eradicate them and replace those memories, I am not honoring all the love that is inherent in them. So instead of forgetting, I should try to find a way to honor those memories (skiing on holidays seems to work well for me) and then start wholly new traditions like celebrating the Solstice. I like this idea.

So yesterday, the day of the winter solstice in the northern hemisphere, my new roommate and I had a solstice celebration with tasty food, wassail, a fire and lots of candles to welcome the sun and long days back into the northern hemisphere. And we watched Dances with Wolves. I also took time to honor the planet and to give thanks for all that I have.

I am an incredibly fortunate person. I am thankful for my health, a great job, a loving family, two compassionate and thoughtful children who are in loving long-term relationships, and the most spectacular grandchildren ever. I have a warm home, plenty to eat, a fantastic roommate, caring and supportive friendships, and opportunities to have amazing adventures in my life. I have the best life ever and from now on, I am going to use the solstice to celebrate and give thanks for that life.

The Solstice seemed like an appropriate time to remember the cycles and rhythms of the planet as well as the cycles and rhythms of my life. It seems like a great new tradition has been born, a new life cycle has started. Happy Solstice and welcome winter!

The 8 boxes…

Posted on December 15, 2013 by rangotti

Yesterday, I unpacked my suitcase for the first time since May. It was bittersweet, I hadn’t expected the mix of emotions it would bring. As I unpacked and put my stuff away in a new house, new room, I couldn’t help but remember my last apartment and the last time my clothes hung in a closet. I was a little overwhelmed by all the changes.

I think that not having a home to come back to made my time travelling both physically simple yet emotionally challenging at the same time. Travelling and knowing you have a familiar and comfortable place to come back to is very different from returning home to the unknown of having to find a place to live. Add on the fact that I gave up all my stuff, an act which was both freeing and yet again, ridiculously challenging emotionally, and it made coming home and unpacking my clothes this surreal experience. And yes, I found a great house and a super roommate. Now I just have to adjust to a totally new life.

For those of you that haven’t read the back story, when I gave up my apartment in May and then started traveling in June, rather than put things in storage for a year, I reduced all of my possessions from the last 50 years of my life to 8 boxes, my checked bag of clothes and a carry on, and some gear stored at a friends house (thanks Jason!). It was the hardest thing I have ever done. At least, it was the hardest thing I have ever done…until now.

Yesterday, I opened one of the 8 boxes. I had thought that it would be a fun adventure to see what I had saved. Instead, it felt more like opening Pandora’s Box. The box I happened to open had pictures of my kids, a wood bowl that my uncle made, a ceramic heart that my daughter made when she was in elementary school, a box my son brought back from Australia when he was a teenager. Similar to the experience of hanging my clothes in the closet, it was like a blast of memories rising up out of the cardboard. I took out the big pieces and set them on a shelf in my room and then closed the box without going through the pictures. I didn’t open the other boxes yet.

Today, my roommate and I are going to put up a Christmas tree. I took out the two boxes of ornaments that I had saved. Everyone that knows me, knows how much I used to love the spirit of Christmas. Those ornaments represent 50 years of family holiday memories. I have to admit, I am not sure I can open the boxes.

So what is my problem? I had this amazing experience over the past 6 months. I am a different person. I shed the memories of the past and stepped into my present and hopefully my future. I am happy and moving on. The problem is, I don’t want to go back to revisit the past at all, I want to avoid thinking about it and just continue on with my happy life. It isn’t that I want to erase it or forget it, it is all part of what made me who I am. I just want to keep moving forward. But there is one thing I know for certain, when something feels difficult and I don’t want to do it, that is the very thing that I need to do the most. The hard things show me what I still need to work on. Hmm it might be time for some brutal honesty here Robin. I hate it when I have to really reach inside for the hard emotional stuff. Okay here goes…

So I am looking at those boxes and part of me wishes I hadn’t saved anything… and that feels like a betrayal to all the people who gave things to me. For example, in one of those packing crates are the Shaker boxes that my dad made me before he died and I should feel excited to open them up. But instead, I am torn. On one hand, I have these possessions that have memories of the people I love attached to them, possessions like Shaker boxes and ceramic hearts from people like my dad or my kids. On the other hand, I have the memories and the love of the people, I don’t need “stuff” to feel that. In fact, somehow the “stuff” diminishes from that love. I guess what is confusing me is that, in the last 6 months, I have felt the love of the people in my life in a really powerful way and that couldn’t have happened with possessions detracting and getting in the way.

I guess when all the possessions in my life had been stripped away and all I had was the love of my family and friends, my whole life was just clearer and uncluttered. The love I experienced over the last half year felt like the pure essence of what we are as human beings. I want to make sure that I don’t lose that feeling in the trappings of “stuff” again. That is really what I am scared of. Because material things, even handmade Shaker boxes made with love from my dad, can never replace the time spent with the people I love and who love me. So even though I have those boxes, they aren’t more valuable than all the memories or the time I spent with my dad when he was alive. The mementos and things I have from my children aren’t anything compared to the time I have spent with them and the love that we share.

I guess I have come to understand how much of a distraction all the stuff we have really is. Obtaining and caring for possessions, working to pay for them, using them to substitute for emotions, buying things to fill voids in our lives, all those things distract us from what is really important in life which is loving the people in our lives and spending time with them. That is the greatest lesson I have learned and I never want to forget it again. That is what I don’t want to go back to. Ever.

So I guess I am scared that opening those boxes and reattaching to things will distract me from putting my emphasis on people. Today, opening those ornaments, is going to be a challenge, but I have to do it. Avoidance is never a solution. I just need to breathe, stay present, be aware and I can totally do this.

Going home…

Posted on December 13, 2013 by rangotti

I am returning home indefinitely. I am not sure where I am going next or even if I am going anywhere for awhile. I am ready to be in one place for a time. I want to work on my fitness, getting in shape for spring cycling and doing some skiing, and I want to work on some research and grant writing. It is hard to do that from the road. I have been gone from Seattle and basically homeless since May. After 6 months, I am ready to have a consistent place to lay my head at night and a routine in my life. So I am going home to a new place to live and a new attitude for how to live my life.

I have learned so much over the past 6 months. I have learned about people and the world around me, but mostly, I have learned about myself. I have learned where my weak spots are and where my strengths lie. I have learned about the person I want to be and the type of people I want to have in my life.

I return home a very different person than when I left. I am stronger, happier, centered, confident, and ready to take on the next third of my life …or at least, I am ready to take on tomorrow. During my travels I have felt lonely, depressed, joyful, empowered, scared, loved, accepted, energized, amazed, sad, awed, and just about every emotion there is. I have overcome every obstacle and pushed myself to do things that I never would have thought I was brave enough to do. I have looked at some of the most wondrous things on the planet. I have had experiences that are so unique that they almost defy my ability to describe them. I have experienced a complete sense of wonder about people, the planet, and about myself.

I return home proud of myself and happy with who I am. In a world where we can be anything we want, the best thing we can choose to be is ourselves.

A few take-aways that I was musing about on my ride from Maine to Boston:

Traveling can be stressful and scary. Traveling by yourself even more so. Yet at the same time, it seems easier somehow. I only had myself to deal with, make decisions for, and my happiness was my own responsibility. I could make decisions on the fly, no consultation with fellow travelers necessary. I made choices and shifted gears at a moments notice. It made me more spontaneous, carefree, and responsible for how I felt.
Traveling by yourself makes you feel vulnerable. For me, someone who has always liked the opportunity to be in control with everything perfectly planned, this was really very hard. One of the biggest things I learned is how to live in and accept each present moment and the uncontrollable nature of life. Because I allowed myself to become vulnerable, the world became more dynamic, less static and life just happened. What was amazing was that I didn’t fight it, I just rolled and flowed with it. I was alive in a way that was wonderful and compelling and I want to keep that feeling with me always. I want to remember it when I mired in research, faculty meetings, and personal drama.
People are the same all over the world. Their culture, politics, religion, values, etc might be different, but the basics of humanity are the same. No matter where you go or who you meet, there is common ground in our humanness if we are willing to set aside all our judgments and just listen to each other with acceptance, tolerance, openness and love.
Getting pushed out of my comfort zone was scary, necessary, healthy and will become part of my everyday life. Facing my fears, one-by-one or sometimes in multiples, is the only way to get beyond them and move forward. I can’t avoid and pretend they don’t exist or I am mired in my troubles indefinitely. Fear will never rule my life again. If I give in to fear, it owns me. I want to be free.

I am sure I will have more in the future…but it is time to board a plane.

You just jump…

Posted on December 8, 2013 by rangotti

I have written about this before but after talking with some wonderful new old friends last night, I figured it was worth another post. Fear is the great equalizer.

There is a great quote, “the only thing you have to fear is fear itself”. That is so true, my adventures have helped me to realize that whatever it is I am scared of in life, the “thing” isn’t the scary part, it is my fear of the thing. And if I can push myself through whatever I am afraid of then I own it, it doesn’t own me anymore.

So many of my readers of this blog think I am this adventurous, courageous, kick-ass person. I want to make sure you all realize, I am a chubby, average, plain person. I am scared of the most ridiculous things just like everyone else is. The one difference is that I have reached a point where I refuse to let the fear of those things rule my life. My friend Tony once described how I face fears. He said, “It is like you are climbing the ladder on the high dive. You complain and whine the whole way up about how you can’t do it. Then when you get to the top, with no fanfare, no agonizing… you just jump”. And that pretty much describes it. The initial whining and complaining is how I work my way though my fear and then, about the time my friends are ready to strangle me, I say “screw it” and just do it.

My friend Don4 once said “life is a gift, live it”. You can’t let fear rule your one ride on this planet. You have to live each day as if it were a gift and honor that gift to its fullest potential. When I was 44 and had just moved to Seattle, newly separated from a marriage that lasted over half my life and struggling to figure out what to do, my brother Rod said something to me that I remind myself of everyday. He said “Robin, you’ve got 30 more years. If there is something you want to do, you need to do it now, because when you are 74 you aren’t going to want to be whitewater kayaking or riding a mountain bike. You can either be like our mother who is constantly complaining about all she didn’t get to do and wishes she had or you can be talking about all the adventures that you did do”. Those words have stuck with me. Now at 50, I have 25 more years to get it done. I don’t have time to waste on fear holding me back.

Last night, I did something that was really scary. I went to a party with some people I hadn’t seen in 34 years since I left the small town I grew up in. Let me tell you, high school isn’t for everyone and it definitely wasn’t for me. I think, out of a graduating class of about 120, my class rank was in the 80’s. I didn’t put a whole lot of effort into being anything but a screw up. So there wasn’t really any reason that these people should accept me at all. And I was terrified. If I had allowed that fear to control what I did, then I wouldn’t be in Maine right now looking out at the beautiful sunrise over the river and I wouldn’t have had a chance to see my family. But even more tragically, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to reconnect with some absolutely amazing people that I got to talk to last night. I would have missed lots of laughter, funny glasses, and amazing stories. My only regret was not having time to have really deep conversations with all of them.

The people I got to spend the most time with were simply amazing. They are people of passion, they love their jobs, their families, and their communities. They have so much heart and compassion for the people and the world around them. They work hard and they play hard. They live their lives in ways that suck the marrow right out of the bones of life, no holes barred, open, authentic and absolutely wonderful. I couldn’t help but just be honored to be able to talk to them all. Thanks Kirk for the invite, it was a privilege to be able to see you all once again.

The lesson here for anyone that needs it… just jump. Do whatever you need to get up the ladder of the “fear” high dive: whine, cry, get angry, whatever you have to do. But once you reach the top… just jump. Don’t let fear ruin your opportunity to live your life on your own terms. What is the worst that could happen? Last night, if I hadn’t liked the party or if someone had said something untoward, I would have just left. Simple as that. But if you don’t try, you will never find those people who are meant to be in your life or who are meant to influence your life.

We have to put ourselves out into the world authentically as who we are. Those who want to be part of our lives will gravitate towards us, interested in us. Those who don’t just aren’t interested and that is okay. Not everyone is going to be interested, just like not everyone is interested in football or knitting. We all have different preferences. Why would we want people in our lives that really aren’t interested in the authentic people that we are? Why would we want people in our lives that we always have to be someone we aren’t just to get them to stay? Why would we want to waste so much of our precious gift of life and time on this earth in that kind of unhealthy relationship? Yet we do it all the time. I am guilty of it also. I have wasted years on one-sided, unhealthy friendships.

Just put yourself out there. Go to a restaurant, bring a book, or just sit at the bar and people watch and talk to the bartender. Go to a park and sit with the sunshine on your face enjoying nature around you. Take a class, learn someone new, maybe something you are even a little scared to try. Talk to your classmates, listen to them. Find the ones you gravitate toward and establish friendships. If they don’t reciprocate, they just weren’t the right person, let it go and move on to the next.

Last night I asked several people my two questions that I like to ask people when I meet them: 1) What do you want me to know about who you are? and 2) what don’t you want me to know? The people that can answer both those questions from their heart, risking the vulnerability for me to see inside their passions and their darkest fears, those are the people I gravitate toward. And last night, they answered my questions with amazing honesty and forthrightness. And I was honored and blessed to hear their stories. Thanks everyone!

Adventure of the day…

Posted on December 3, 2013 by rangotti

Sorry for being so absent about writing this blog. I have been distracted by having adventures with a beautiful set of two-and-a half-year-old twins.

I have mentioned that for a long time I was stuck in longing for my old life back. Even though I kept plodding along seemingly moving forward with my life, my heart was still wrapped in memories of the past. To those looking from the outside, it might seem like that time of longing was wasted, but it wasn’t. Everything is a process. For me, letting go of my life took a period of grieving and mourning. It took me a while to go through that process but it was absolutely necessary to be able to actually move on. Even when I was mired in that process and it seemed like I was stuck, I have come to realize that I didn’t keep standing still and I am proud of that. I made some mistakes, had some successes, and even though my heart was caught up in another time, I kept moving forward regardless. Or maybe, it was just that my friends kept shoving me forward but either way the result has been the same. Here I am.

Today, I am packing to leave my son’s house after a lovely visit with my son and his beautiful wife and the two most amazing grandchildren in the whole world (I might have mentioned that before). Although I am sad to be leaving, this time it isn’t the soul-sucking sadness that it has been in the past where I was pining for my life back. This time, it is different. I know that I will wrap these memories up from this visit and all the love they contain and I will keep them close to my heart while I am living the life I am in right now at this moment, confident that I always have the love of my family. And I know that someday soon, Patrick, Heather, Brooklyn, and Charlotte are going to come to visit me in Seattle and we will make a whole host of new memories.

So I am heading to Boston to visit some friends and play tourist in a city that I have loved since I was a teenager in New England. Then I am heading to Maine to see my family and to do something that I never ever thought I would do. I am going to go to a party where I will see all my friends from high school that I haven’t seen in 33 years. I have had a few pangs of trepidation, wondering what to heck I am doing that for, but then I realize it is a great story collecting opportunity. And that is what life is, a collection of stories.

You see, high school isn’t for everyone and it certainly wasn’t a great time for me. Having been the victim of an early sexual assault as a pre-teen, I turned to drugs and alcohol at a very young age because I didn’t know how to handle the emotions of what had happened to me. My parents went through a difficult divorce, my dad remarried, and I just spiraled out of control. So my memories of high school and my friends memories of me aren’t the greatest. I wasn’t a very nice person. But here is the thing…I am not that girl anymore.

So I get to go back and meet these people again. I am a new person and so are they. We get to laugh and enjoy each other’s company. I will get to hear their stories of how their lives have evolved; stories of love and loss, joy and heartbreak. I want to listen and understand who they are as people. I want to know what touches their soul. It is an opportunity to make new friends all over again. So even with my moments of trepidation, I find that I am really looking forward to the opportunity. I want to see them with new eyes and an open heart and hopefully, they will be able to look at me the same way.

Then, after spending some time with my extraordinary brothers and their families, I am heading back to Seattle to see my beautiful daughter and her amazing partner Ethan and their new puppy. I am going to visit with my friends and do some skiing and spend Christmas at Tony and Ken’s beautiful home. I get to ride my bike and talk math education with Keri. I have to say, I am looking forward to being back in Seattle.

Everything is different. It is like my life is brand new. Every day is an adventure.

The best kind of guide…

Posted on November 23, 2013 by rangotti

A few years ago, the day after I took my first and only powder skiing lesson and while I was still only a comfortable blue run skier, my friend Matt and I went up to Stevens Pass where, on the first run of the day after a foot of new snow, Matt suggests we go up Seventh Heaven, an ungroomed, black diamond run. Matt, with his usual encouragement says “Robin, you can totally do this, I will stay right beside you the whole time”. We get off the chair at the top, Matt straps his boots into his snowboard and he is gone…I got down that mountain by myself solely for the purpose of wringing his neck when I finally got to the bottom. His response to me, “but you did it, and now you know you can do it again”. I swear I don’t know why I listen to that kid sometimes.

When Matt suggested I come to Nepal, his words were “come to Nepal, I will be your guide. You just get here, I will take care of the rest”. Yeah, I still haven’t learned yet. When I got to Nepal, as typical of the way he “guides” me, he starts off by getting us a bus ride to Pokhara where he asks me, “did you get a hotel room”? Hmmm…. is this part of the “you’ll take care of everything plan?”. Typically, it was like that with everything that happened in the two weeks I was there. The kid had no plan at all… or did he? I joked with him one day and asked exactly what “kind of guide he was” since he pretty left me to figure everything out on my own and to handle all the crises that came up. His answer: “I am the best kind of guide”. I am still trying to figure out whether the boy is a brilliant or just an accidental genius. Either way, once again, it worked.

But it takes coming home to truly realize how far you’ve come. The greatest gift of travel isn’t the adventure, new countries, languages, foods, customs, etc… or all the things that traveling brings. Those are all great but are only part of the real gift of travel. The real gift is returning home, forever changed. I am very proud of where I am at this moment.

So where am I? Physically, I recently returned to my son’s home in North Carolina to spend Thanksgiving (American) with my son and my lovely daughter-in-law and the two most amazing grandchildren ever, Brooklyn and Charlotte.

I have been here less than 48 hours and I am already amazed at how I feel. In the past, when I visited my son, who lives in my former marital home, I was always bombarded with memories and thoughts of how life “should have worked out for me”. I had always expected to be living in this house, happily married to the man I loved, celebrating holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas with our children and grandchildren coming to visit us. I would ride past the university I went to and used to teach for and just be overwhelmed with missing the friends I had, the job I was great at, the life I loved, all of it. I would long for my past life back. I hadn’t realized how much that longing was holding me back until now.

The night I cried to Matt in Nepal, something changed in me. Maybe it was the yoga and meditation or maybe it was the stark conditions of the country and pushing myself through physical difficulty and preserving. Maybe it was the spiritual nature of hiking up to the World Peace Pagoda or up to the top of Sarankot or maybe it was the awe-inspiring site of looking out at the Himalayas which is a sight I will never forget as long as I live. Maybe it happened while I as paragliding with vultures or when I fell off the side of the cliff and was hanging by the vegetation and lost my shoes and had to walk back to my hotel barefoot. Maybe it happened through just overcoming obstacles and crises and realizing that I could face any challenge on my own. Regardless, sometime during that time, something changed.

I knew I felt different when I left Nepal and went to Barcelona, I just didn’t realize how different I was until I came back into the familiar environment in which I spent almost half my life. The familiarity of that world was in stark contrast to the person I have become. Now, I sit in this house and it glows with the energy and vitality of my grandchildren and the love my son and his wife share. I got to meet my ex-husband’s lovely and charming girlfriend and watch them interact with my two beautiful granddaughters who love them dearly. I couldn’t help but feel joy in my heart for all of it, for such a loving and happy family. It is something I never could have imagined over the darkness of the past 6 years.

I look around this place where I used to live. I have appreciated the beautiful changing seasons, the friendliness of the people, the beauty of the campus and know that I hold no attachment to it other than in appreciation of the memories of all the wonderful times I spent here. It was a wonderful place to raise two beautiful, well-adjusted children, and where I had the opportunity for an amazing career teaching high school and the start of my college teaching career. It is a place where I had spectacular friends and experiences, and where I loved and laughed and lived over half of my life.

Life is sweet, all of it, the good and the bad. Because of everything that happened, my beautiful daughter got to finish college, start a great career, and meet her amazing partner Ethan. Everything that happened gave me an opportunity to fall in love with the PNW and all the remarkable treasures that area of the world holds. It gave me the chance to reach down into the most creative part of myself and take risks in my career. It has given me a wealth of new experiences and friends that I never would have otherwise met.

I am more centered, happy, confident, peaceful, and accepting than I have ever been in my whole life. Traveling and returning home has made me that much more aware of how great a gift my life has been.

Namaste

Asking the wrong question…

Posted on November 18, 2013 by rangotti

It kind of sucks when I have been on sabbatical now for five months and just realized I have been searching for answers to the wrong questions.

I keep asking myself who do I want to be? What I have realized is that identity isn’t about my choices, my choices are going to be sometimes good and sometimes not so good, but they don’t define who I am. Identity is about my essence as a human being. That essence isn’t going to change. I am not going to suddenly stop caring about people or stop being the positive, loving, warm, compassionate, reflective, thoughtful person that I am. That is the essence of who I am and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

The other question I have been asking myself is what would make me happy. Today while I have been in Barcelona, I have enjoyed visiting two places which Antoni Gaudi was the architect. My plan was to visit Casa Batllo, Sagrada Familia, and then walk over to Parc Guell but I didn’t make it. The rain, my earache, and my exhaustion did me in before the last 2+ mile walk to Parc Guell.

What I realized at Casa Batllo was that Gaudi was a genius as an architect and also was one of the most creative risk-takers the planet has ever seen. I was captivated by the brilliance and non-traditional style of his work. I tried to picture what it must have been like to live in Casa Batllo. Nothing in our square line architecture can prepare us for how different it must have been to have a house that was patterned after sea creatures. I couldn’t decide if it felt more like a hobbit house or like something from The Little Mermaid. On one hand, it must have seemed strange and gotten old. But on the other, I can see where the family might have grown to love it. Either way, it was magnificent and certainly one of the most creative works I have ever seen. I am not sure I could have given it up to turn it into the museum it is now.

After leaving there in the persistent downpour Barcelona has experienced for the last three days, I headed to the Basilica Sagrada Familia. I stopped for lunch along the way to dry off and have some yummy jamon and queso and beer. I was glad I had the sustenance in me in order to walk the last couple of miles in the rain.

Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, could have prepared me for what I was about to see when I got to the church (photos below). I figured I had seen enough Spanish churches that I would be impressed but not shocked from every sense in my body. The outside was shrouded in construction apparatus so I wasn’t impressed yet. Then I walked into the finished interior. I grew up Catholic, but left the church a long time ago. But I have to admit, in that instant, I was once again proud to be Catholic. And for the first time in what seems like forever, I found myself praying.

I could post a few of the hundreds of pictures I took, but none are going to do justice to the size and scope and the overwhelming sensory experience that is the Sagrada Familia. It effected all of my senses and was an completely immersive, emotional experience like nothing I have ever felt before. It was Gaudi’s crowning achievement. He spent 14 years of his life on the project until he was tragically hit by a tram in 1926. The project is still only 60% completed. The interior was finished and dedicated by Pope Benedict XVI in 2010. The exterior is still under construction.

What struck me as I stood there is that Gaudi believed in what he was doing enough to devote his life to the project. He paid attention to the detail in every curve, hyperbola, and trigonometric function. His heart is in the enormous columns that were inspired by trees, in the spiral staircases, statues, arcs and apexes, Gaudi’s commitment, desire, spirituality, and sheer creativity and inspiration comes to life in that structure. I was struck by the question of what does it take to have that level of commitment to something? I was literally standing there with tears running down my face and all that is going through my head.

That is when I realized I have been asking myself the wrong question. The question isn’t what will make me happy… the question I should be asking is what is important enough to sacrifice for? What is important enough to suffer for? It is kind of like losing weight. If it is important enough to devote hours to the gym and focus on diet, you will do it. Or getting a degree, if it is important enough to you, you will do whatever it takes to achieve that goal. Whatever you will give your time and effort to, sacrifice and suffer for is where your heart is. So the question is, what are you willing to suffer for?

In my life, I have always had something I had to work really hard and put in effort for. I got a degree so I could take care of my family, National Board certification so I could teach my students well and take care of my family, a PhD so I could have a better career and teach my students better and take care of my family, paying off debt so I could take care of my family…I am seeing a pattern here. All of those things were worth working for, my family was worth working for. But my kids are grown, the husband is gone, the only person that needs me is me, and that feels different. When I had them, when I had a cause, I worked so hard. I haven’t had a cause in over a year and I have been adrift trying to find purpose for my life. But I have been asking the wrong question to find my answers. Instead of asking what will make me happy, I need to ask what will I be willing to put in the effort for? What am I willing to work that hard for, to sacrifice for? Because ultimately, where we are willing to put in the effort, that is where our heart is.

I leave Barcelona and have one more stop in Zürich before I get back to the U.S. for awhile to regroup with my family and do a little skiing with my friends. I have a lot to think about after this trip. I have a lot of unanswered questions still.

Caveat: I have about 500 photos from today. My camera battery is dead and I just grabbed a few. They aren’t the best and this was just my point and shoot not my good camera.