Tag Archives: alone

Begin with the end in mind

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I have always found transition times to be challenging. That includes good and bad transitions. It is hard to believe that I ever had the courage to go on sabbatical this past year or to take many of the leaps of faith I have taken throughout my life. So many people think I am this free spirited adventurer. I laugh at that a lot. What no one sees is what is going on in my head.

As I finished sabbatical, I have been blessed with no only a year of amazing adventures, but from many things that have happened to me in the last month alone. I have to admit, I am a little overwhelmed. I have a new grandson who I got to hold before he was even an hour old. My lovely and talented daughter is getting married and I got to see her try on the dress that she will get married in. I have a beautiful new home, a new office and a great new job. I love my students. So why am I overwhelmed?

It is a transition time, and for me, my life has been filled with a lot of negative changes. I can handle those. I expect those. It is almost harder to handle the positive ones, to step in and feel deserving of the wonderful life I have now. I have been in a funk, almost paralyzed to get anything done. Today, I am attempting to change my paralysis and get back to my routine and taking care of myself. In order to do that, I realized, I have to start somewhere, so I am going to start at the beginning.

Over a year ago, I filled 8 boxes with my treasures. Those boxes, my gear, a few clothes, and a rock where the only things I had left. I had given up all my other possessions: house, furniture, dishes, all of it. I stored them in my office and now they are in my garage. Today, right now, it is time to unpack those boxes and face my life. It is time to get unstuck.

The Garden

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P1090067My grandfather was a fantastic gardener. He had the cleanest garden, there wasn’t a weed in it. He grew things in the rocky, dry soil of Maine with no landscape fabric, pesticides, modern fertilizer, motorized tillers, or any of the other modern gardening equipment we use today. Pappy gardened organically back when organic wasn’t a “thing”. He did it that way because he was really frugal. I still remember going over to his house with my Dad on a weekend afternoon. I would tell him I was hungry and he would reach down and pull a carrot out of the ground, wash it off under the faucet, and hand it to me. Those still are the best carrots I have ever tasted.

Since I am home, I decided to use some of my sabbatical time to plant a garden. I don’t hope to be as good at it as Pappy was, but I aim to learn. There is something mystical about planting things and watching them grow like magic out of the ground. I often wonder how disconnected from the earth we become when we only have the opportunity to buy food from boxes and Styrofoam trays wrapped in plastic from a grocery store. Everyone should have the opportunity to just stick their hands in the dirt and plant something and watch it grow. 

The other day when skiing, a friend and I were talking a lot about my garden, about what I was going to plant and I told her about my grandfather. At lunch, she ran into an old friend who she had lost touch with. After they chatted for a few moments, my friend and I went back out skiing where she told me the story of what had happened to her friendship with this other person.

She said at one time, they had been best friends. When I asked what had happened between them, she shared a great analogy with me. She said it was like they had together planted a shared garden, in this case, the garden represented their friendship. They would meet at the garden, plant seeds, discuss soil, communicate what needed to be done, share responsibilities and divide up tasks. When one person was busy or having a tough time, the other picked up the slack in the garden of their relationship. They tended the garden of their friendship together every day through their communication which kept the weeds away and the ground fertile. My friend went through a challenging time with a divorce and lots of life changes and it was difficult to be around her at that time. After a while, her friend stopped coming to the garden as often. My friend continued to go there, continued to plant and nourish the relationship, but as time went on, she felt more and more devalued by her friend’s absence. My friend was hurt and finally, she started going to the garden less and less frequently until one day she just stopped. Not too long after that day, her friend came to the garden to find it empty, untended, and overgrown. She called my friend to find out what was up. My friend, although heartbroken, kept her resolve to honor her boundaries and not allow herself to be taken for granted. Her friend decided that the friendship wasn’t worth the effort. They hadn’t seen each other again until the other day when we were skiing.

I loved the analogy of the garden as a relationship. If you have ever gardened before then you know how hard it is. It takes planning, preparation, planting, daily effort, watering, weeding, fertilizing, pest maintenance and harvesting. Gardening isn’t for the faint of heart. But the rewards of the garden, the best tasting most incredible food you have ever eaten, is absolutely worth the effort. It is the same with relationships. It takes communication, effort, shared experiences, mutual value, respect, compassion, caring, and time. Relationships aren’t for the faint of heart either. The rewards however, are priceless. It is the difference between pulling the best tasting carrot from the ground or buying something processed from a box. Both will feed you, but only one nourishes your soul.

Letter to my older self…

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So many people asked me to do this that I had to comply.  Last week, I wrote a letter to my younger 25 year old self of things I would want her to know from what I have learned over the last couple of decades.  A lot of people asked me to do the same with my older self, that is, what I would want my older self to know.  Since I am 50, I decided to write a letter to my 70 year old self.  I have to admit, I struggled with this one more than the last letter.  Thinking about being 70 and entering the last couple of decades of life is harder than looking back and imparting wisdom on a younger Robin with a future stretching before her.  I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of getting old.  When I get old and outlive my usefulness, I want to have the capacity to walk off into the wilderness where I can look up into the mountains that I love and just die. No fuss, no fanfare.  Just the natural end of a life well lived.

Robin,

Wow, you’ve made it to 70. There have been many times in your life that you didn’t think you would ever see this day.  Yet here you are.  Hopefully, you have taken care of your health and are still active.  Finally, you get to have that discounted ski pass at Stevens!!!  Woot!! You’ve been waiting for that for 25 years.  I hope you are still active enough to enjoy it.  I hope you are skiing every weekday and get at least 50 days in.

Retirement finally came for you two years ago.  I hope you stayed on track to have at least a million dollars in your retirement account.  It will suck if you didn’t and you have to eat cat food to survive. My hope is that you learned from the lean years of paying off all that debt incurred during your marriage and have kept saving money.  It is okay if people call you fiscally conservative or even if they call you cheap.  It still beats having to survive off cat food.

I hope you kept on learning and trying new things and experiences, it is how you stay young. Try not to be like some older people and get too set in your ways.  Remember Matt? Remember how much you learned from him all those years ago and the fun that you had? Don’t forget that you can learn a lot about life from people of all ages, so don’t be the old fuddy-duddy who thinks they have all the answers and won’t listen to anyone else, especially younger people.  Be open, listen, learn.

And don’t forget, if you are lonely and think no one comes to see you, then get off your ass and go to see them.  People want you to care about their interests, they want you to be interested in their lives and what they are passionate about.  Go to your grandchildren’s games, graduations, weddings… call them, listen to them, make time for them.  Don’t just sit around and bemoan that no one wants to visit with you because if you do, guess what will happen?  No one will want to be around you. If you want people to be interested in your life, you have to start by being interested in theirs.

P1080687The twin granddaughters are about 23 now, graduated from college.  Hopefully, you kept your word and have been taking them on trips every year to show them how big the world is and that you made that same commitment with your other grandchildren you had too. I hope you took them to Nepal, Africa, Myanmar, South America and let them see some of the remote places of the world.  I hope you took them diving, paragliding, cycling, and I really hope you taught them how to ski.  A great graduation trip might be a ski trip to the Alps or to Whistler where you can rent a nice apartment and your old lady self can go to bed early and where the grandkids can stay up and party all night.  Remember that experiences are worth more than stuff, spend your money and time having experiences with them.  It is the best legacy you could leave them. 

I hope you are living in a place where it is easy to get around.  A nice, one bedroom condo in an urban area.  Easy to clean and you can spend your time going to the theater and concerts and have adventures easily. That way you can give up the drivers license and still have your freedom. Give up the driver’s license before you don’t want to, that way it isn’t an issue for your kids having to take it away from you.  Make plans for the last years of your life.  Pick out the retirement community and assisted living facility you want to be in now.  You’ve worked your whole life to take care of your family, take care of them now by making those decisions for yourself while you still can so that you won’t be a burden to them in a few years.

The end of your life is coming.  Just like with the rest of your life, you get to choose how you face it.  Face it with grace, courage, and dignity.  Choose to live your life on your terms, each day giving your best, caring for the people in your life, and remembering how much you are loved.  Choose to keep having amazing adventures and always be thankful for how great your life has been.  It truly has been an incredible ride. 

No regrets, just go enjoy the sunset of your life. 

Robin

An elimination diet for your soul…

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Have you ever done an elimination diet?  It is an extreme diet that people do when they are having digestion problems or allergies and want to isolate what particular foods are causing their distress.  The dieter takes their nutrition down to the basics for a few weeks and then add in foods one at a time to see what particular foods are contributing to their physical difficulties. It is really hard, but it make so much sense.  How else will they figure out what makes them feel good or bad so they can make adjustments?  It is virtually impossible when you are eating all your regular foods to isolate the combinations that are problematic.  Before people go to that extreme, they start with a food journal, writing down what they ate and how they feel, but when that doesn’t work, it is time for an elimination diet.

Right now with everything I have done in the past year, I feel like I have been on an elimination diet for my soul and I am finally at the place where I get to add stuff back in, slowly and deliberately with one thing being added in at a time.  That way, I get to try it, see how it feels, and decide if it makes me feel good enough to keep in my life. When I got back, I started off too fast, trying to go right back to the life I had.  But as Matt reminded me recently, I am not that person anymore.  So after Jan 1, I have been being a lot more deliberate in my actions and in the relationships I am cultivating.

So what have I added back?

16625_10100900261346063_799026473_nSkiing: I have been doing a lot of skiing by myself and with just a few very close friends.  It has renewed my love for the sound of the snow under my skis, the smell of the mountain air, the breathtaking views,  the solitude when I am alone, and just the whole body sensation of flying down a mountain.  I love to ski. The last couple of years I allowed myself to get too wrapped up in the social aspect of skiing and needed to step away.  It is really a joy to reconnect with the sport I love on its elemental level.

Yesterday, I got my bike ready to ride and I am going to ride either tomorrow or Saturday.  The only thing I love as much as skiing is riding my bike.  I don’t need to go fast, climb better than anyone else, dress in appropriate attire or any of that stuff that cyclists worry about.  Getting caught up in all that made me hate riding my bike.  I just love the feeling of being outdoors, braving the weather, feeling like I am one with the machine that is making me fly along, just pure joy coursing through my body as my heart, lungs and legs make me remember that I am alive.  It makes me feel like I am a 10 year old.  This time, I am going to take the advice of my friend, Cindy and make time for pie at the end of a ride.

Kerry Park view

Kerry Park view

I have been enjoying going to some of the great places that I love in Seattle, happy hours up on the Hill with Tony, going up to Kerry Park for meditation and reflection, riding the ferries, the beauty of rural Snohomish County, the jaw-dropping views of the Cascades and Olympics, cooking in a real kitchen again, sharing laughter and a meal with my roommate and her daughter, building a fire, chopping and stacking wood, and learning how to knit.  These are all things I am keeping.

But it hasn’t been easy.  I have struggled and even messed up a few times. The other day, I bought sheets and a blanket.  Now I own household stuff again.  I have to admit, it was a little traumatizing.  It made me feel tied down.  I made it worse when I then watched “Into the Wild” for the first time and it made me feel REALLY tied down.  I have struggled with trying to work on a grant and a few publications.  But mostly, I have struggled when the people who know me from my former life put pressure on me to be the way I was.  I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to say yes to everyone and allow people to treat me badly just so that I won’t offend anyone or let anyone down. Because ultimately, when I act that way, all I am doing is letting myself down.  That has meant culling some relationships that aren’t healthy for me which has hurt people because they don’t understand why I am not just like I used to be.  It is hard not having any answers for them of when I will want to do things again, because the honest answer is that I may never want to do some things again.

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Olympics and a Washington State ferry in the Puget Sound

Right now, all I know right now is this, I feel better than I ever remember feeling.  I am making decisions based on strength and on what I really want to do.  My past doesn’t control me, fear doesn’t control me, and my choices are my own.  So I guess, the elimination diet for the soul is working so far.

That was when I lived in a morgue…

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Of all the stories I expected to hear on my story collecting adventure, the words “I lived in a morgue” probably never made my list. But my friend Keri did, in fact, live in a morgue and even has some incredible pictures to prove it. In the midst of a casual conversation the other night, she uttered the words “when I lived in the morgue”…say WHAT?  When prompted for the story, she revealed that she and several other ski instructors lived there together when they were working in Garmisch, Germany. She dragged our her old photo album and told the story as we scrolled through her awesome pictures that showed a bunch of twenty-somethings living it up in this funky place with a half-moon shaped area where at one time bodies were viewed, a kitchen that had once been where embalming happened and had no counter space at all because of that, and Keri’s bedroom which had previously been where the crematorium ovens were located.  There were also some underground tunnels from the old hospital to the morgue that were built during the war so that the German public wouldn’t know how many men were dying in the war.  It was kind of freaky, but they had some incredible parties in that “house”.  Halloween must have been awesome.

It is funny because I have known Keri for the last seven years but did not know that about her. What made that story even more interesting is Keri herself.  Of all the people I know who might have uttered the words “I lived in a morgue”, she would have been the last person I would have expected. Keri is one of the most amazingly even keeled and centered people I have ever met.  Yet, in hindsight, maybe it isn’t so surprising after all.  Keri also flows easily in her life taking whatever opportunities that come up with little hesitation.  She lives her life fully every day.  She is a remarkable and courageous person.

One of the things I love about our friendship is how easy it is.  When we haven’t seen each other in a while, we can pick right up where we left off.  We talk to each other about our lives, dreams, fears, joys, and sorrows.  She gives the best advice and I value her wisdom.  She has a way of understanding human interactions that cuts through all the subterfuge. Out of all my friends, she is one of the best at self-care and boundaries.

I have been thinking a lot about relationships this week, both friendships and intimate relationships. I am in the midst of taking a hard look at my relationships and reflecting on the ones that add value to my life and to which I am adding value in return. Great relationships that add significance to my life, like the ones I share with my closest friends, take open communication of both the good and the bad of our lives. These relationships are easy because we are willing to be open and authentic with each other, telling each other our truths while respecting how each feels.  Frankly, I don’t want any other kind of relationships in my life other than easy ones.  Relationships with people who don’t keep their word, lie, use subterfuge, give you the silent treatment, or omit details to try to avoid conflict just take too much effort and energy. Relationships should be easy.

However, I think a mistake that is common in intimate relationships is believing that one person can meet all our needs. It is impossible for one person to meet all our needs and it would be a huge burden on any one person to try to accomplish that.  Life is enriched by all our relationships not just the intimate ones. Relationships with a variety of people give us perspective from many angles and broaden our understanding of the world around us.. Life becomes rich and full when we embrace all of those various relationships.

As a caveat, it also must be considered that inherent in relationships is a measure of risk.  When we trust others with our vulnerabilities, we stand the risk of being rejected, hurt, used, and taken for granted.  When that happens and a valued relationship ends, it is hard to pick up the threads of trust to try again.  But try we must.  Human beings were not meant to live in isolation from others.  Our relationships bring us wisdom, joy, beauty, poetry, happiness, physical comfort, sorrow, grief, and the whole range of human emotions.  Through those relationships we find strength and comfort when the problems of the world rise around us.  It is also through those relationships that we grow and reach our fullest potential.  Without them, we die, maybe not all at once, but our soul dies day by isolating day.  And we live in our own private morgue, not one that has a bunch of fellow ski instructors who are full of life, but in the shells of our bodies going through the motions of life.

My Life Divided by Zero advice for this week is to collect a story, have a conversation with someone, find out a really interesting fact that you didn’t previously know and tell them something about you in return. Risk, trust, open up and be vulnerable to someone.  You might get hurt, but at least you will be alive. And you will probably come away with a great story to tell.  And that is what our lives are…a collection of stories.

The life cycle of traditions

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Some people, when given a sign, know exactly how to read that sign and what they should do about it.  For me, the universe pretty much has to hit me over the head with a sign before I listen and change my course of action or beliefs.

When I was a teenager, I was pretty troubled.  An old native American told me that I wouldn’t find my true spirit until I walked with the Raven. I didn’t know what he meant and I spent much of my life trying to decipher those words through the situations and the people around me.  What I have realized is that even as a teenager, those words gave me hope.  He didn’t tell me that I would never find my spirit, but that it would happen in the future.  Hope is what most people need to get through life’s difficulties.

DCIM100GOPROLast summer, I had the opportunity to travel around the country.  Everywhere I went, when something transformative happened, there was a Raven there.  I couldn’t help but remember the old man’s words.  And at the time, it felt like chains were being released, emotional chains.  Later in the year, I had the opportunity to go to Nepal and paraglide with Egyptian vultures.  When I got back, one of my friends joked with me that my new name was Soars with Eagles.  I laughed and made a joke back to him in the manner of friends teasing each other and then forgot about his comment until yesterday.

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Photo by Richard A.

I have known I was a different person since I was in Nepal.  Traveling changed me a lot. When I got back to Seattle, I was walking through a wooded area to the gym and the Raven story was on my mind. I looked up at one point in my walk and there, about 30 feet from me, was a gorgeous American bald eagle looking at me.  He was just sitting in a dead tree and he was staring at me.  It was one of those times where the hair on the back of my neck started to stand up and that odd feeling that something special was happening, where my gut was churning with emotion.  Finally, after what felt like hours, he spread his wings and flew off.

I have a friend who is a shaman and when I told her about it she said “I think you are entering a new time in your life and the eagle is your guide”. Again, being the scientific linear thinking person that I am, I put it out of my mind.  Then yesterday, when my roommate and I were trying to figure out what movie to watch for our solstice celebration (read more below), she said “the only appropriate movie I can think of is Dances with Wolves”.  At that moment, all of the signs I just wrote about above converged in my head.

I realized the tradition of the raven was over. As a story, the last chapter of is written, now all I needed to find was a way to close it out.  About an hour later, my friends Nick and Sarah called and asked if I wanted to meet for lunch at Black Raven Brewery.  Yeah, okay universe, I get it. Nick, Sarah and I shared food and beer and toasted to lots of upcoming adventures we are planning.  It was a great symbolic way to put an end to the Raven.  But just because a story ends, doesn’t mean the characters in the story stop living, it just means they need to find another story to begin. Our stories, like all the traditions of our lives, have a life cycle.

Everyone has traditions.  They are a fundamental part of the structure of the lives of human beings. We have traditions surrounding all of the big events in life: marriage, birth, death, etc.  We also have everyday traditions or routines like brushing our teeth or going out for an Americano.  And then there are traditions surrounding holidays and special days like birthdays or anniversaries.  And then there are faith-based traditions.  All of them are important parts of who we are.

Since my divorce, the holidays have been very difficult because those traditions, those foundational structures of my life, were just instantaneously dissolved, there was no closure or slow letting go. Getting older has also ended certain traditions, although through a slower process.  My children have their own families now and are spending holidays and creating new traditions with those families just as they should be.

For me, I think that is one of the hardest parts of entering the autumn of my life.  I guess like most people, I struggle with things changing.  The empty nest syndrome when combined with the loss of your life partner is definitely a time of radical change. And just like any loss, traditions can’t just easily be replaced by something else.  It takes closure and time to grieve for their loss before you can start a new tradition and that process has to be respected.

When my kids were younger and I was married, holidays were filled with time spent with my children, extended family, passing around a blessing cup for giving thanks, Christmas lights, caroling, great food, lots of love, homemade pizza, decorating the Christmas tree, stocking stuffer shopping followed by lunch with my ex-husband, and many other wonderful memories. I have missed those traditions, but just like I am finding with many parts of my life, I am ready to move on.

So yesterday, it hit me.  I have been trying hard to recreate traditions to replace what has been lost. But just like with a lost pet or loved one, what is lost is gone forever.  I have beautiful memories of that time in my life and by trying to totally eradicate them and replace those memories, I am not honoring all the love that is inherent in them.  So instead of forgetting, I should try to find a way to honor those memories (skiing on holidays seems to work well for me) and then start wholly new traditions like celebrating the Solstice. I like this idea.

So yesterday, the day of the winter solstice in the northern hemisphere, my new roommate and I had a solstice celebration with tasty food, wassail, a fire and lots of candles to welcome the sun and long days back into the northern hemisphere. And we watched Dances with Wolves. I also took time to honor the planet and to give thanks for all that I have.

I am an incredibly fortunate person.  I am thankful for my health, a great job, a loving family, two compassionate and thoughtful children who are in loving long-term relationships, and the most spectacular grandchildren ever.  I have a warm home, plenty to eat, a fantastic roommate, caring and supportive friendships, and opportunities to have amazing adventures in my life. I have the best life ever and from now on, I am going to use the solstice to celebrate and give thanks for that life.

The Solstice seemed like an appropriate time to remember the cycles and rhythms of the planet as well as the cycles and rhythms of my life.  It seems like a great new tradition has been born, a new life cycle has started.  Happy Solstice and welcome winter!

Like the layers of an onion…

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I am always amazed when life lets me hear exactly what I need to hear exactly at the moment I need and am ready to hear it. I don’t know why that amazes me because it happens all the time.  For me, it happens when I feel like I have reached the bottom.  Maybe that is the only time in my life that I stop struggling and just let go trying to control everything and just allow myself to BE.  That is when I can hear what I need to hear.

It was funny, I had been stressing about filling up the next two weeks in Andalucía for the last two weeks. Nothing I tried to book worked, from my B&B reservations that got cancelled, to my debit card not working to book my train tickets, etc.  If all those frustrating things hadn’t happened, I would still be miserably stressing over how to fill up my days. Because of my frustration, I lamented that to Matt in a message a few days ago and he said, “come to Nepal” and I said, “if I can work the details out I will”. After all the frustration I had in Spain, I thought there was no way in hell I would be able to organize a trip to Nepal in 3 days, I hadn’t even been able to get a hotel room in Granada. Yet amazingly, all the plans just fell into place, like this was exactly what I was supposed to do at this moment.  Funny how that happens.

Now I sit here, all checked in for tomorrow’s early morning flight.  I have to admit, I am looking forward to seeing my friend even just for a couple of days.

I process things in a cyclical fashion, maybe we all do. It is like a spiral, where I go round and round with an issue, thinking I have got it solved, until it rears its head again. Only when I look at it closely, it isn’t quite the same, it is better than it was, just not finished yet. And it keeps spiraling around and around getting tighter and tighter, kind of like being caught in a whirlpool or a black hole, until all of a sudden, it is actually gone and isn’t an issue anymore.  In this case, my struggle has been with the same old thing that I have been whining about for months, maybe years… my attachment to the past and the way life “should” be.

And then, a couple of days ago, this is what someone told me about my “stuckness”:

Start with what is clogging you up, figure out what isn’t relevant to your life or is harmful to your well-being.  If it is still there, there is a reason.  Find it, learn that reason and then find another way to acquire that need and then get rid of what isn’t relevant. When that thing is out of your life, look again at what is holding you back.  Layer by layer, like the layers of an onion, peel away what is in your life by habit that serves you no purpose, refine what is left so you understand what’s their use. In the end it should get very slim.

Remember you are not letting go of the love or the lessons, only the attachment. Some people need to stay in your life, not because of your need but theirs.  Some people need to go, not because you don’t love them but because they aren’t good for you or you for them. Be gentle but strong, lovingly push them away, send them with good wishes and a prayer but walk away. By giving people their freedom and letting go of things you find your own freedom, even though it is the last thing you planned.

Yeah… that did it.  I felt like I had been shot from a proverbial cannon.  What hit me was that is what I have been doing ever since I started this journey when I started giving up all my stuff.  I have been methodically peeling away all the layers.  With each challenge I have faced, I am more and more exposed to the core of what I am.  There is nothing left to hide behind.  I have finally reached the really, really hard internal attachments that I still cling to.  And basically, I am stuck because I don’t really want to face them. I have been blaming the lack of home and physical possessions, but it isn’t the “stuff”… things like money and furniture… where I am stuck is my story and who I believe I am and the disconnect between that and who I want to be.

I knew this would be the hardest part.  And it is. It makes giving up my physical stuff from my apartment look like it was a walk in the park.  Yikes.  I will say it again, because I personally need the reminder, life is exactly as it should be.

You don’t have to tell the whole story, but it is important to tell people how you feel.

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I have this crazy belief that in order to solve a problem, I first have to admit that I have a problem.  As long as I am in denial, I can keep ignoring it.  When I can be brutally honest with myself and acknowledge it, then I can start thinking about solutions. But that is just me and the way I deal with things, I am not projecting that as advice to anyone else.  So far in my life, it seems to be working for me.

Since I came back from Africa, I have been experiencing situational depression. I have always been sympathetic to mental health issues, but this has given me even greater respect for those who are suffering from depression.  With my passionate Italian/Irish heritage, I would rather be my batshit-crazy emotional self than to have to deal with this soul-sucking emptiness day after day where I try to joke around and appear normal so no one will realize that I am struggling to cope with the simplest tasks like showering.

I think one of the worst parts of mental illness is the secrecy and stigma.  Talking about it, normalizing it, is one of the healthiest ways to deal with it, get support, and ultimately overcome it.  And at some point in our lives, we all go through it.  It isn’t just something that happens to other people.  Just like we get physically ill from time to time, we also go through low periods mentally.  Our mental health is as important and deserves as much respect as our physical health.

So now, I have named my demon. Just like when a person has the flu, there are things I can do to get healthy. What are my challenges and what can I do to overcome them and be well?

For me, I had to consider when it started.  Sometime, mid to late summer, I got overwhelmed by too many life changes.  Giving up my things, being homeless, living out of suitcases, relying on the goodwill of other people for places to stay and basic life necessities like a shower, travelling, etc.  All of it just started to add up and wear on me.  I am a person who appreciates time alone and it just seemed like I constantly had to be around other people or in their homes and there just wasn’t any place to just be myself.

Fly-swatter wands

Fly-swatter wand

Brooklyn & Charlotte

Brooklyn & Charlotte

Because of that, I wasn’t ready to take on the challenge of Ethiopia, so I left Africa, and came back to Seattle.  On hindsight, it might have been wiser to just go to the east coast and stay with my son and play with my granddaughters.  There is nothing like some time on a backyard swingset or playing pretend as fairies to perk up your mental health, especially when it involves fly-swatter wands.

Instead, I came back to Seattle and all I have really wanted to do is get a place of my own and feel normal again.  But of course, that isn’t what I did.  Sometimes I have to wonder, can I ever take the easy road in life?  Just once?  Instead, I booked a five week trip to Spain.  The plan is to go to Mallorca and cycle for a couple of weeks, then to go traipse around southern Spain from Madrid, Seville, Granada, Cordoba until ending up in Barcelona.  After that, I come back to the U.S. to play fairy with Brooklyn & Charlotte.  Sounds great right?  My problem is, I am not sure I have the capacity to get all the details done to make it happen, I am not sure I can get on the plane, I am not even sure I can get out of bed.

After beating myself up over not being able to snap out of it, I realized I had to admit I had a problem to myself and my friends and then go about solving it. I also had to stop the negative self-talk (thanks Jeff).  So for the first time, yesterday, as I was walking back to where I am staying from the grocery store, I was feeling sad and empty and I just allowed it.  I didn’t try to make it wrong and fix it, I just acknowledge the emptiness, and gave myself permission to feel that way.  And guess what?  I felt better.

So today, my goals are to exercise go for a run, shower, eat healthy, work some on my grant that is due next week, show Jeff the KinectMath software, do some rearranging of the suitcases (AGAIN), finish my Spain reservations, and to not get upset with myself if none of that happens. One day at a time and then nine days from now, we will see if I can get on a plane and go to Europe.

51 Steps

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IMAG0135I have been watching several of my friends struggle with the ending of long term relationships (LTR) and who are at the beginning of the recovery period when they are single, alone, and miserable.  I watch them as they are climbing out of their skin in the silence of their apartments after years of having partners and/or children around.  My heart goes out to them and I understand how they feel.  It wasn’t that long ago that I was exactly where they are. I didn’t think it would ever end short of jumping into another relationship. However, I find that in watching them, I realize I am truly at a different place and can see how far I have actually come. I am at a place that doesn’t require a relationship, a place where I can stand on my own, and I am happy alone or with other people.

Almost everyone I have known that has ended a LTR has gone through the same steps or stages.  Those steps or stages are probably categorized in some self-help book somewhere or in the DSM-V. Since I have already passed through the “self-help book” stage personally, I won’t go into categorizing each one of them, but it seems like there are a lot.  So I am just going to throw a number out there and say… 51.

Fifty-one is significant because it is how many steps I climb each day to get to my house (actually it is technically Matt’s house, but for the moment it is mine too). It is a metaphor for moving from a relatively unsafe place to a place of safety.  Each day, I go from the lack of safety of the street to the relatively safe place of a home in 51 steps.  The same is true after ending a relationship that you thought would last a lifetime.  At first, you are in the relatively unsafe, unknown place of being alone. And from there, you start climbing through each one of the steps or stages until finally, you are safe at home. You have found a place of belonging. Maybe that is with another person or maybe, like me, you have accepted and embrace being alone.

Emotionally, I am pretty sure I am somewhere between step 40-45. I have my personal life pretty well straightened out, I am still trying to piece together the last of the professional one. That is right, when your personal life falls apart through the ending of a relationship, it affects your professional life too. For me, that has manifested itself in an inability to write academically.  As a college professor whose career is dependent on academic publications, this is problematic.  So I am going through the step right now where I am, just a little a time, learning how to write academically again.  I just passed through the step where I had to relearn how to read. I have been amazed at how many of my friends who have let go of relationships have lost their ability to read for pleasure.  I am honestly just getting that back.  The next step is reading academic literature.  And then finally, getting back to some semblance of a publication schedule.

So for my friends who are on step 4-10, try to realize that soon, you will feel much better.  The climb is tough but worth it.  There are some things you can do to make it easier.  Everyone has to find his/her own coping strategies but here are my favorites:  learn to play, keep a journal, reward yourself for little things, dance even if it is alone in your living room, learn something new, push yourself physically, dress in colors (not black), if you live in an urban area take a bus ride, volunteer, join meetup.com and meet some cool people, find your spirituality (yoga, meditation, prayer, being out in nature), change your environment (I did this by rearranging my furniture).  There are a lot of others.  The important thing is don’t stay stuck too long. It is just like when your car is stuck, the longer you are in a rut and the deeper you bury yourself by spinning your wheels doing the same thing over and over, the harder it is to get out.

Start climbing.  51 steps to go…