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Posted on August 4, 2013 by rangotti

View of downtown Seattle from Kerry Park

I woke up this morning to the quintessential Seattle summer day. Temperatures in the mid 60s F, no humidity, beautiful blue sky. It is the exact same kind of day as the day I moved here 6 years ago. I spent some time this morning reflecting on that move. Reflecting on what it felt like to leave my (adult) children and family back on the east coast, a job in which I excelled, a community of friends, a beautiful home, a life that I had thought was perfect, and the ruins of my marriage. I didn’t think I would ever be happy again.

Northern Cascades

When I first got to Seattle, all I wanted to do was go back home to a place where I understood the culture, job, everything…I just wanted my old life back, but that couldn’t happen. I couldn’t go back in time, no matter how much I wished things were different. So I struggled to create a life here. I made friends, had some career success, explored new hobbies, and discovered the beauty and majesty of the PNW. I carved a life for myself here and I didn’t realize it until recently when I gave everything up and now am on the precipice of changing it all again.

Liberty Bell Peak

When I woke up this morning, all I could think of is that I don’t want to leave. I want my old apartment back, to go on daily walks with Tony, have coffee with my beautiful daughter, ride my bike, ski with my friends, write papers, go camping, and enjoy the place I live. For the last 6 years, I have only thought of this place as a temporary stopping point, and it has taken giving up everything and getting ready to leave to make me realize how much I actually love it here. I don’t think I would have come to that understanding without having gone through the exercise of leaving.

Commitments have been made however, so there is no backing out now, nor would I want to. I need to finish the “reboot” of my life which has only just begun. Right now, I have deleted the hard drive, now it is time to reinstall and update the software. That is an analogy to the changes that I need to be made so that I can come back to this place from a position of strength and continue the identity formation to become the woman I want to be. I think Africa is going to do that for me. At the very least, it is going to change me.

So leaving today is bittersweet. I will miss this place but at the same time will have a great adventure. The learning, growth, and change that has happened to me in Seattle will happen again in Africa. I have a feeling at the end of next year, when I get ready to leave Africa, I am going to feel the same as I do right now, I won’t want to leave.

Seattle, farewell for now. I leave you with a cheesy movie line… I’ll be back.

All changes are more or less tinged with melancholy, for what we are leaving behind is part of ourselves. ~Amelia Barr

I will have the same thing…

Posted on August 1, 2013 by rangotti

I was reminded yesterday about being careful not to take things and people for granted. I am reasonably good at being thankful for most of the things in my life. However, sometimes I screw up and take for granted the one person who has been steadfastly there for me. I think it is because I trust, without question, that he will be in life, enriching it in so many ways.

Academic job interviews span two days. You give a research presentation, a teaching presentation, and hour long interviews with dozens of people. It is rigorous. However, as long as I am talking about my work, I am comfortable in those settings. I knew in the interview process when I applied for my job in Seattle that the official dinner would be my greatest challenge. I was a hick girl from rural North Carolina in Seattle having dinner with all these classy, sophisticated people. I had no clue what to order or what kinds conversation to make with these people. I tend to be a little blunt and outspoken and just say whatever pops into my head. My goal was to shut my mouth and try to keep them talking as much as possible and to hopefully not order anything stupid off the menu. That was my plan.

Tony takes amazing photos. He is really creative

So I get to the dinner and there is Tony. Handsome, sophisticated, and the most articulate person I have ever met. I was in trouble. The waitress came over to take our order. Tony ordered an incredible glass of wine and the salmon which was plank seared. Now, just to give you some context, where I came from wine comes in two flavors, white and red, and I had no idea what “plank seared” meant. So of course, after he ordered and the waitress turned to me, I said “that sounds great, I will have the same thing”. I had no idea if I would even like it or not. Tony then drew me into a conversation about pig pickin’s and hush puppies and had the whole table laughing hysterically. I just knew that I had blown the whole interview right there. They had to have thought I needed to be in the kitchen frying something rather than in an academic position. I was surprised when they offered me my job.

About a week after starting my job, I was walking down the hallway carrying geoboards. Tony was walking past me and said “geoboards, fun!”. Since Tony is the literacy professor, I was taken aback. I mean, seriously, how many people outside of math even know what geoboards are? So I asked him how he knew about geoboards and he told me that he went to a school taught by hippies so he was “raised on geoboards and autoharps”. How could anyone not be friends with a guy who can come back with a line like that? The timing of his humor is always perfect.

Robin & Tony. What a great friend to hold his hand over my neck to hide the multiple chins.

The friendship was born at that moment. Tony and I have had so many great adventures. Eating and drinking our way through Seattle Met magazine’s best happy hour edition, spending spring break pretending we were in Baja by going over to Alki Beach for Mexican food (it was snowing and we were in parkas on the beach), finding all the places with the best chicken in Seattle (Cafe Presse, Crow, Ken & Tony’s kitchen), the most amazing meal ever at Canlis, our famous end-of-quarter grade submission brunches complete with mimosas/martinis/madeira flights at 10 am. There have been picnics on sunny days, the Bloedel Reserve on Pi Day, an unforgettable birthday trip to Portland, a life-changing trip to NYC, a New Year’s Eve with 48 gorgeous men, and a disastrous game of croquet on the parade grounds of Fort Warden where the movie an Officer and an Gentleman was filmed, a game which was saved when Tony’s dad came to the rescue with a very civilized pitcher of gin and tonics.

Evening at Boom Noodle with Kristen, Ellen, Jessica, Tony & Ken

And then there are the infamous Happy Friday emails…I could go on and on. Each adventure has been memorable. My adventures with Tony definitely make up the brunt of all the great times I have had in Seattle. He is the best friend I could have ever asked for. We supported each other through tenure, have cried over the end of relationships, worked on grants, written papers together, and been there for each other in all the areas of our lives. He and his partner Ken have taught me about wine, great food, amazing restaurants, how to cut an avocado, art, music, vacations and relaxation. They opened up the world for me. With friendship, unconditional acceptance, respect, honor, loyalty, and love, they have helped me become the woman I am. I love them with all my heart. I haven’t let myself think about what it is going to be like next year without them nearby. I don’t want to think about it.

I hope everyone reading this has someone in their life that is so much a part of them that the relationship seems almost effortless. Those are the sweetest kinds of relationships, but also the most easy to take for granted. We can get consumed with other relationships that take a lot of effort and forget the ones that are simple. If you have someone in your life like that, just take a moment to tell them how much they really mean to you. Those are the relationships that should get the most care, not the least.

Tony Smith, my friend, my brother, my partner in crime…I love you and am the woman I am because I have known you. You have changed my life. I am so glad I ordered the white wine and plank-seared salmon on that fateful February night in 2007 and had that crazy discussion about pig-pickin’s and hush puppies.

What I have realized in typing this blog post is that being willing to say “I will have the same thing…” or letting someone else order the food for me has been a way that I have pushed myself to try something new and to show people that I trust their choices. Being open to learning new things from others has definitely helped me form the great friendships I have with so many people. I think it makes other people feel valued. It is something I am going to implement in Africa. When I find myself at dinner with an interesting person, I am just going to say “I will have the same thing…” and see where the adventure takes me.

Defibrillator for the Soul

Posted on July 30, 2013 by rangotti

Matt getting ready to fly

Sometimes, I can be a total hypocrite. It is do as I say, not as I do. As I have been getting ready to leave the country, between giving away all my possessions, applying for international visas, getting immunizations, etc. I have been overwhelmed. Instead of doing what I know to do, I have been wallowing in my own self-absorption. Thankfully, I have great friends.

Yesterday, my friend Matt (the one who always gets me into trouble) messages me and asks if I want to go hiking up one of our local mountains in the PNW. Knowing I need to get out of the house, I said sure. The hike is favorite of people in the area and also a local paragliding launch. Matt is in love with paragliding. So he tells me, “we can hike up together, you can walk down and I will fly down”. Okay, that sounds fun. I thought it would be a chance for me to be supportive of something he loves. I would go take some pictures and just spend some time with him. I am going to miss him when I am gone.

Matt stepping off the edge

However, since I have been running around like a crazy woman for the last 4 weeks, eating a bunch of crap, not exercising and drinking too much, I feel terrible. We start to hike and I am just sucking wind. The trail goes up about 1600 feet in a mile and a half so it isn’t long, just steep. I keep saying “Matt, go ahead of me, I’ll catch up”. Of course, the kid won’t listen to anything I say. We chat on the hike and instead of relaxing and enjoying the company of my friend, all I can think of is my anxiety of letting him down by being so out of sorts and making him late for his flight.

Matt flying

We finally get up to the top where the pilots are launching and I was immediately in awe. They were flying! I couldn’t wait for Matt to launch. Even though I am terrified of heights, within 10 minutes of hitting the summit I said to him “I want to do that someday”. He replies “why not today?”. HMM…why not indeed. So I did it. No plan, no arguing, totally spontaneous. I even surprised Matt, who without telling me, had planned it out ahead of time with his friend Mark from Seattle Paragliding. Matt was expecting to have to argue with me to get me to do it.

Flying

It was just what I needed. If I am stuck in a rut, doubting everything in my life, anxiety building, procrastinating, not taking care of myself, etc. there is a quick easy solution: a jolt of courage, kind of like a defibrillator for the soul. I have to get out of my comfort zone and do something that scares me. Facing a fear, feeling success, knowing that I can make my life anything I want it to be, owning my issues, and being the person I want to be is all possible, I just have to do it. It really is that simple.

The coolest thing I have ever done

Got up this morning, went for a run, had a healthy breakfast. Now I am going to do some administrative stuff that needs to get done, mail some gear to my son’s house for storage, mow the grass at the house I am staying at and then tonight…I have a date. Yeah, a real one.

Just like a real defibrillator gives a heart another chance to beat and the person a chance to live, facing a fear and doing it anyway gives a soul another chance to fly and the person a chance to have a whole life.

Jump and the net will appear. ~John Burroughs

Posted on July 18, 2013 by rangotti

I don’t actually believe the saying “Jump and the net will appear”. From what I understand about life, I think that sometimes we jump and we just hit the ground and there isn’t any net. Nothing catches us, we just fall flat on our faces. Yeah, I know…ouch.

I come from a family who believes in pragmatism. My brother, the one that is our mom’s favorite, buys a new truck about every 10 years. When he was 50, he bought a new truck and told everyone he was “two trucks from death”. When questioned on that, he would say,”I am 50 years old, if I buy a truck every 10 years I will buy another when I am 60 and one more when I am 70. Chances are, I will be dead when I am 80 so I am two trucks from death. I come from a family that is “that kind” of pragmatic. They approach life with humor, grace, realism, and incredible bluntness. My brother currently has a job where he has use of a work truck to commute and he only puts about 1000 miles a year on his personal truck so it should last another 30 years. He now calls it the “death truck”. When you go to visit, he will say “don’t bother renting a car, you can just drive the death truck”. Yeah…that is my family and they are amazing. I love them dearly.

Family vacation, circa 1966

My family has never been one on ceremony or flowery speaking. They understand life on an elemental level. Maybe it is because of the dramatic change of seasons in New England where they live, or maybe it is the harshness of the winters, I don’t know. I just know that they understand that there are seasons of our lives just like there are seasons in the world around us. To demonstrate that, when we had a family reunion, they would say “look around you, there are three groups of people. There are the young kids swimming in the frigid cold lake, the 30- and 40-somethings playing horseshoes, and then all the old guys over there talking politics”. When they themselves, in their 50s and 60s, started gravitating to the politics group, they acknowledged it and accepted it with that same bluntness and realism, knowing that they had reached another season of their lives. One of the best things about them is you always know right where you stand with them. They have hearts of gold, but don’t ask them a question you don’t really want to know the answer to, because they will give it to you.

When I moved to Seattle I was 44. My brother told me then, “Robin, you’ve got 30 more years. In your seventies, you aren’t going to be learning how to kayak, ride a mountain bike, ski etc. If there is something you want to learn how to do, you need to do it now. Otherwise, you will be like our mother who is in her seventies sitting around lamenting about all the things she wishes she had done in her life but now doesn’t have the capacity to do”. My brother isn’t saying I can’t learn anything or have adventures after 70, he is reminding me to take advantage of every moment of my life so I won’t have regrets. I remind myself of that often.

Ever since I started talking about teaching in Ethiopia, I have had wavering feelings about what I am doing. That is probably pretty normal with such a big undertaking. And of course, with my type A personality, I think I have to do it perfectly. Which means that I beat myself up whenever I have a self-doubt. I also have this crazy idea that I have to deal with it all on my own, without accepting any help from anyone else. Needless to say, the past couple of weeks have been ones of ups and downs. I have the feeling that will happen several more times before I am finally on the plane.

Saying goodbye to friends

The downs have happened when I have been overwhelmed by details of international visas, travel arrangements, all the unknown obstacles of long term international travel and work, dealing with my physical stuff here in the U.S. and dealing with the emotion behind leaving my friends and family that I love. The ups have occurred when I tell people about what I am going to do and they say, “I have a friend who lives/lived in Addis, let me connect you” and I get these emails from people around the world who tell me how much I am going to love it. They give me connections to great coffee shops, restaurants, and insights into things to do. And not just in the city, but things that will call to my adventurous side also. Places like the Simien Mountains, the Danakil depression, Gondar, the Blue Nile Falls, and Lake Tana and when I look at the pictures, I can’t help but be excited by the adventure. Those times I feel like I can totally do this.

Even more important, I have spent the first half of my life figuring out what my values are, what I believe in, and what I am willing to risk taking a stand for. This is an opportunity for me to be able to make a difference and it is an opportunity that not many people get. I understand how fortunate I am. Now it is time to put those values and beliefs into action…to put my time and effort into being the change I want to see in the world.

Some people can affect change in the world by what they say so eloquently. I have always envied those people who can articulate themselves so perfectly. I am not one of them. I, like my brothers, am too blunt and pragmatic. But what I lack in communication skills, I make up for in action, I figure out ways to make things happen. But in order to do that, first I have to jump, net or no net…because I only have 30 more years.

Maybe those bumps aren’t in the way…maybe they are the way.

Posted on July 13, 2013 by rangotti

Ferris wheel on the Seattle waterfront

Watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you, because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in the magic will never find it! ~Ronald Dahl

I have had several “ah-ha” moments this week which all have a common theme. Sometimes I get mired in my own fears, disbelief, and insecurity and when that happens, I lose my clarity on the world around me. Instead of trusting my instincts and believing that everything will work out, all I see are the bumps in the way.

But I am also the luckiest girl in the world. I am blessed with amazing people who give me shifts in perspective, essentially helping me open my eyes to what I am not seeing. And that is where the magic of my life occurs.

This week, I spent some time with a friend while he was in Seattle getting fitted for a new bike. I have known him for awhile online and he always seemed to be a bit self-centered in his online persona. I hadn’t spent any time actually talking to him in person so I was a bit apprehensive when I offered to be his tour guide while he was in Seattle. Come to find out, I was totally wrong in my perceptions about him and if I had let my original insecurity stop me from getting to know him better, I would have missed the opportunity to learn from his unique perspective on life.

He is a photographer and I have always been captivated by his work. He has an awareness of the world around him that comes out in his pictures; an awareness of himself, the world around him, as well as the people in it. In person, I realized he is probably one of the most adept people I have ever met for staying in the moment and being totally present with you. Without even seeming to pay attention he noticed details about the scenes and people that I, even living in Seattle, had no awareness of. He is someone who utilizes all of his senses and his intuition to understand the world around him and that is what makes him a great photographer. I didn’t realize it until I met him but that is what I was drawn to in his photographs. He captures the moment in an elemental way that activates all your senses and immerses you in the scene which brings forth things that you didn’t even know were there. Magic.

In talking with him, he told me stories of traveling around the world surfing and becoming comfortable in other cultures. He told me stories of triumph, failure, joy and agony and he embraced all of those things as what life is about. He told me his philosophies of life and gave me the space to be myself and share mine in return. He is the type of person I have always wanted to be…embracing life, accepting his mistakes with grace, being truly in the moment, caring about the people in his life, and just being wonderfully alive.

Since he left, I have been having a ton of difficulty in getting things ready to leave for Africa and I started going into meltdown mode. I was freaking out over logistical details. I could only see the obstacles, the bumps in the road. I made a post about my fears in my online forum and a friend said “maybe those bumps aren’t in the way…maybe they are the way.” BAM…that is the perspective shift I needed.

It made me think about the person I had just said I wanted to be. Someone who embraces all of life, both the part with bumps as well as those that are smooth sailing. Someone who can be truly in the moment, caring about people, fully alive…and it hit me. It would all work out.

I just need to be confident and trust myself. The path I am on is the path for me, I just need to keep walking.

You have to let go of all you have … in order to gain the world

Posted on July 7, 2013 by rangotti

Real freedom is having nothing. I was freer when I didn’t have a cent. ~Mike Tyson

I have struggled to write this blog post. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed by too many choices. For most of my life I haven’t had to face a lot of choices. My life has been one of survival. The choices I faced were almost always binary, i.e. do I keep this job or be unemployed, can I afford to buy this or not. Binary choices are easy. An abundance of choices is more difficult.

I have worked very hard throughout my life and for the most part, have done a very good job at what I do. It has gained me some notoriety and opened lots of doors for a successful career. I also have been a relatively decent human being and that has gained me a fair amount of people who love me and who I love spending time with. I am extremely grateful for both of those things and for all the choices they have given me.

One of the things I have struggled with is how to make a choice between several equally great things where there is no bad choice to eliminate. I struggle with trying to figure out what I really want. Right now, I am struggling with my sabbatical. I have had so many great offers to do incredible work in exotic places. I have choices to have amazing personal experiences like riding bikes, hiking, diving, etc with fascinating people in places I have never dreamed I would get to go in my life. I have wonderful choices to visit and spend time with people I love in places that are dear to heart. And I haven’t been able to choose.

So I tried to think about how to combine them so I could do it all, and frankly, it stressed me out. I struggled to make the choice which will make everyone happy and meet everyone’s needs. But what I really needed to be asking myself is “what do I want to do?”. Such a simple, yet complex question.

In writing out this blog post, what I realized is that it is about letting go. I have already let go of my physical stuff. Now I need to let go of people’s expectations for me. I need to let go of the idea of disappointing people. I need to let go of my own ideas of failure and success. I need to let go of fear of the unknown. I need to let go of all of those things so that my hands are empty and my heart is open. Only then will I be ready to reach for whatever is to be my destiny.

I have decided this week to accept an offer to teach in Ethiopia for the next year. There will be some side trips to a few other countries for vacation, other work and to visit with my beautiful granddaughters, but the majority of my sabbatical will be spent in Ethiopia. It is a chance to do work that is some of the most innovative and has a greater potential for impact on humanity, on my career, and on me personally than anything I have done thus far.

As I was writing out that line, I realized…it is what I want to do.

Collecting stories

Posted on July 2, 2013 by rangotti

I was getting ready to meet some imaginary internet people I only knew virtually from a bike forum and I was a little creeped out by the idea. So in my anxiety, I texted my very wise friend and mentor Matt who always knows the right thing to say. I remember asking “Matt what to hell am I doing traveling half way across the country to meet some random people from the internet?” Matt’s answer, perfect as always, was “Robin, you are collecting stories and that is what life is, a collection of stories. It means you are living life like you should.”

If you have been following, you know the past three weeks I have been traveling, living out a tent (with an occasional hotel), cycling and hiking while trying to mentally and physically prepare for hiking Kilimanjaro in two months. During that time I have seen some incredible landscapes and scenery from around the United States. I have seen wildlife, amazing vistas, sun-kissed plains, breathtaking mountains, waterfalls, rivers, and too many other things to mention. Everywhere I went was a unique place with beauty all its own. But the thing that made each place special was the people I met and the stories they told.

Team Collin

From hitchhikers in Yosemite, a magical wedding in a castle in Colorado, to meeting my absolutely amazing team members of Team Collin and riding in 24 Hours of Booty in Indianapolis, I have collected stories of women and men who are courageous, joyful, compassionate, passionate, impulsive, adventurous, thoughtful, loving, and a dozen more adjectives. And I have to say, they were all spectacular. The only regret I have is not having more individual time with all of them.

When I am one-on-one with people I always try to ask them two questions. I ask them “what do you want me to know about you”? For that question, I usually hear what people are passionate about. They try to give me a glimpse of the things that mean the most to them like their love of music, being a good parent, things they care deeply about. I love hearing about those things. It gives a glimpse into their heart.

Then I ask them “what don’t you want me to know”? Not everyone can answer that question, and that isn’t wrong, it is really hard to risk that type of sharing. For me, I am always captivated by those who can answer it. People who can reach down from their gut and show the raw courage that it takes to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to pull the mask off and show someone else our flaws, our dark sides.

The people that can answer those two questions in a very real authentic way are the people I gravitate toward because I know that they are the people who will be open with me about themselves and who won’t shrink back when I am open about myself. There are many people in the world that don’t want that kind of deep understanding of others, they prefer the superficial “goodness” of life. They want life to be “perfect”, a fairy tale where people only recognize when things are going well, they refuse to acknowledge the darker side of life. That is how I used to be…and then, I was divided by zero and life became undefined. The fairy tale ended because that is what fairy tales do.

Receiving the Spirit of Booty Award

At the same time the opposite can also be true, there are people who only see the dark side and can’t see the joy, laughter, hilarious antics, unbelievable bravery, love, tenacity and spirit of people who have faced tremendous obstacles and found ways to face them with grace, courage, and humility.

brian

My teammates of Team Collin epitomize that spirit. They see the good and the bad, they see life as a whole array of emotion. They are exactly the kind of people I want in my life. And these were the sketchy internet people from my opening paragraph. Who would have thought?

As I face the next chapter of my life, I have realized that I would rather take life and emotion raw than sugar-coated. I want to surround myself with people who can sit with my pain, share in my joy, empathize with my sorrow, and engage with me in laughter. I want the whole experience, good and bad, because that is what living life is all about for me. I want to choose relationships with people who will accept me fully. The only way to find those people is to collect their stories.

len & stacy stephen len & marvin

Walking with the Raven

Posted on June 17, 2013 by rangotti

I flunked therapy…not the class, the actual experience of psychotherapy. Yes, that is right, I am too crazy for the mental health community to “help”. Today, I am going to give you a clear glimpse into my “crazy”.

I traveled from Seattle, stopping in Oregon then Nevada and down to California to visit Yosemite. I spent a couple of days of camping and cycling. Then I drove through Utah, spending some time at Great Basin National Park, before heading to Moab and doing some desert hiking and then to Colorado. I cycled in all of those states and I am getting more comfortable riding in new places by myself.

Cycling near Moab. Colorado River

I am starting to look forward to heading to Europe and even considering taking my bike when I head off to Africa to work.

Home sweet home

I also am getting more comfortable camping by myself in unfamiliar places and, in general, with the whole experience of living a very minimalist life. I am becoming pretty good at setting up and taking down my tent, I have had my first bear experience, my first injury by myself when I cut my foot pretty badly, and have been challenged by laundry, disorganization, and lack of electricity. My grooming has suffered and I am looking like the dirty filthy hippie I think I am. I seriously could use a spa day and some waxing. But that isn’t why I am crazy. Now I just look as crazy on the outside as I am on the inside.

What makes me crazy is how I see the world around me around me. In the last two weeks as I have traveled through six states and three national parks, I have seen some of the most amazing sights my eyes could have ever looked upon. Truly, I live in a wondrous land.

Ships made of stone

I have seen ships made of stone sailing on a sea of sagebrush. I have seen stone sentinels, guardians of the ancient places where men long dead once walked. I look in awe at stone monuments which allow me to understand how fleeting my time is upon this earth. I feel the magic in these ancient places.

Sentinels

I have seen the bones of creatures long dead and pots made by women who gave birth and raised children in caves that could only be reached by rope ladders hanging hundreds of feet above the ground. Can you imagine raising a two year old in a cave 200 feet above the ground, with no baby gates, and the only way out is up a treacherous rope ladder to the top of a mesa? The only thought to why they would do that would have been protection, safety. I allow myself to imagine the fear that it must have taken to drive these people to live in such a dangerous place. These are a people who have long been gone from this earth, leaving no history except for broken clay pottery and crumbling ruins of caves. We use their artifacts to recreate what we believe their lives were like. Will someone do that with our plasticware and ruins of skyscrapers?

I am crazy because I look around the world and I see the textures of the land. I see the contrasts in colors. I see beauty everywhere. I believe you can find beautiful things even in the most “ugly” of places or people. I see a land of valleys so vast they seem to be endless…the mountains that bound them so distant as to seem a mirage. The mountains that ring those valleys are so high they are like great stone ramparts cast before the distant sky. When you climb them, the decrease in oxygen is noticeable, your head hurts and your actions, even simple steps, take more effort.

There are barren valleys filled with salt, a world so harsh and desolate that it is amazing that anything can survive.

Yet everywhere you look, there are living organisms, creatures that eek out life in the harshest of conditions. There is cactus, sagebrush, tumbleweeds, lizards, snakes, birds of all kinds. And there are ravens.

When I was a younger, I had a rough time and was pretty messed up for a while. I had several Native American friends. One of them said to me at one time that I would never find my true spirit until I walked with the Raven. Whether that was said in a drug induced marijuana haze or if he really had a vision for my life, I don’t know. I only know that I have long had an affinity for corvids and on this trip, everywhere I have gone, every time I have had a powerful physical or emotional experience, it had been punctuated by the presence of a raven. Crazy huh? That is a hard thing to admit. Here I am trying to do some pre-sabbatical solo cross country cycling/camping trip as a warm up for heading off into Europe and Africa. I really am out of my mind.

I believe there is more to life than what we can see and hear and touch. Isn’t that what faith is? Believing in the unseen? Trust is another one of those things that isn’t tangible, yet we do it anyway. So every time I see a raven, I think of the prophecy. Who am I to say that it is too fanciful to be real? I am beginning to believe this trip is really what my friend was talking about.

At this time in my life, I am dependent on no one. This time, I walk freely with the metaphorical Raven, learning, growing, feeling, allowing myself to just BE. I am struggling to define my new place in the world as a single woman, an academic, a writer, a grandmother, a cyclist, and a traveler. Crazy.

Adventures with Nana

Posted on May 26, 2013 by rangotti

I remember very clearly what I was doing on this day 2 years ago. I sat in my apartment on pins and needles waiting while 3000 miles away, my two beautiful granddaughters were being born. Their names are Brooklyn and Charlotte and they are the most amazing, intelligent, beautiful, loving grandchildren on the whole planet.

I sat here that day, waiting…and waiting…and waiting. I find that it is especially hard to be away from family during times that elicit strong emotions, things like births, weddings, and funerals. You sit alone and wait for news while people who are physically there are caught up in the event and don’t necessarily have time or the capacity to send out notifications. But the really hard part is wanting someone to share the emotion with, someone who will feel the joy or the sorrow with you, someone to cry with, someone to hug. One of the hardest things about my relationship with Brooklyn & Charlotte is being the grandparent who is “from away”. Their other three grandparents live nearby and see them often so have stronger bonds with them as a result. I have to admit I am envious.

When my son and my daughter-in-law chose the girls’ names, I figured out a way that I could have a special bond with them of my own. I looked up the names Brooklyn and Charlotte as cities. There are 8 towns named Brooklyn and 6 named Charlotte in the U.S. So when the girls get to be about 7 years old, every summer we are going to take a vacation. We are going to go two towns, one of each. We are going to have our pictures taken next to the Welcome to Brooklyn or Welcome to Charlotte sign, do a little cycling, and figure out the special things those towns have to offer. I want the girls to realize that everywhere in the world is some place special. Adventure doesn’t have to be about traveling to exotic places, you can find adventure in your own backyard. The easiest way to be happy in a place is to look at where you live through the eyes of a tourist and find the interesting, funky things that make the place you live in special. That is the legacy I want to leave them with. I am calling these trips “Adventures with Nana”.

When you have children, you worry about everything. Where will they go to school, what if they get in trouble, what if they get a C in algebra, are they hanging around the “right” friends, etc. and those are all things you are supposed to worry about, that is what a parent’s job is. But when you are a grandparent, you only have one task, one thing to teach them about life. Your only job is to show them that, no matter what, they are worthy of love and belonging.

Happy 2nd birthday to my beautiful granddaughters. Nana loves you always and misses you more than you could ever imagine.

The Best Way to Get Over a Man…

Posted on May 15, 2013 by rangotti

I have the best group of ski friends ever. I mean seriously ever. They are not only some of the best skiers I know, but they are real, authentic, loyal, smart, etc. The thing I like best about them is that there is little subterfuge. They keep it real and don’t bullshit around. We talk about love, pain, joy, triumph, despair, sex, men, children, relationships…the whole gamut of emotions and situations that life throws at you. There are no boundaries or forbidden conversations and we can all be as crazy as we need to be with each other.

One of them, when she was recently out of a pretty traumatic relationship, told me something I would never forget. We were talking about men and how hard it was to let go of relationships that we had really wanted and expected to work out. She said “I have learned something from my most recent breakup. I learned that the easiest way to get over a man is to spend 24 hours in lock up”. Yeah…that would probably do it for me too.

The problem is our expectations. I truly expected to be married forever. I had dreams of dancing at my grandchildren’s weddings with my ex and being that last couple standing when they do the dance with married couples and keep having people sit down depending on the length of their marriage. The couple that is married the longest is the last couple standing. Watching that dance still gets me every time.

The past couple of days have been spent saying goodbye to some of my best friends. As usual, we had a grand time. Today, sad and lonely, I have accomplished absolutely nothing. Not only have I not packed anything, I have to go teach class and I was going to ride in, here it is 12:40 and I am still in my PJs so it doesn’t look like I am going to get any cycling done either. I have been surfing the web, thinking about cycling in Spain on my birthday.

And that might be why I am in the doldrums, my birthday. I just don’t want to spend another birthday alone. And this is my 50th. Again, I think back to the expectations my ex and I had for our 50ths with the kids grown and gone, what we were going to do together…and here I am doing it alone. A friend of mine once said “there is alone, and then there is ALONE”.

My girlfriends’ advice was to ask someone to go with me. I have asked a couple of people if they wanted to come with me and both had exceptional reasons for why they couldn’t go. At 50, most of my friends work, have young kids, responsibilities, etc. They just can’t take off for a cycling holiday in Europe. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me that I have to do this alone. I don’t know…I just know that today is one of those days where I am questioning my resolve.

Maybe I need to watch this again, about 50 times. http://weliveunbound.com/

Life Divided by Zero

The Journey of Becoming Undefined

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