Tag Archives: nepal

Take bigger steps…

Posted on by

I had that excellent falconry lesson and paragliding experience the other day.  Then I wrote a blog post about how great I was doing and the lessons I was learning.  Well just like with most lessons learned, it isn’t a linear process.

When I was in Spain, totally at rock bottom emotionally, Matt asked how I was doing and, in the absolute honesty he and I share between us, I said “It is one step forward, three steps back”.  His response was “take bigger steps forward”.  He always knows how the right thing to say to make me feel better and to make me laugh.  Then he said “come to Nepal”.  And as with most of his suggestions, he was right.  Nepal has been good for my soul.  I not only feel better physically, I feel stronger emotionally.  But it hasn’t been without challenges.  Here it is has been two steps forward one step back, so at least I am going forward.

Have you ever noticed how powerful words are?  I think it was in my last blog post that I talked about the tape that plays in my head (and every other human beings also).  That tape is made up of things that have been said to me over the course of my life.  From the initial words our parents used to show disapproval of something we said or did, from social groups of teenagers when identity is forming, to cruel words by a random stranger on the street. All of those words become the social norms that tell us we aren’t good enough, skinny enough, athletic enough, pretty enough, etc.  And even more damaging is when we get to the place where we say those words to ourselves.

Words are the most powerful force that human beings possess.  Because of that power, we should be careful what we do with them, both with other people and ourselves.  Ever since I left Ethiopia, I have had the “failure” tape cued up in my head. One of the personal “laws” I have always lived by, that was instilled in me as a child, is never quitting.  When I give someone my loyalty, I will stay with it until the bitter end, even at the expense of myself.  Enforcing boundaries is a constant struggle for me.  So Ethiopia felt like a failure.  It threw me into depression.  To snap out of it, I rushed off to Spain where I had one failure after another, from cycling to ordering tapas.  I kept trying to get out of my head but was pretty much in a death spiral.

So I came to Nepal at Matt’s suggestion.  I made it here, negotiated travel between two foreign countries on my own, had a successful falconry lesson and paragliding session, and was feeling pretty confident and better than I had in weeks. Things were looking up. Then, two things happened.  One was a comment someone made and the other was that I went to yoga.  The comment came from someone behind me while hiking in a group down an embankment into a riverbed. The path was very slippery.  The person in the back, speaking to the person in front of her about the slippery path said “I would hate to have to try to get a tourist out of here if they got hurt.  Can you imagine something happening to someone like Robin?” Ouch.  That started the not athletic, uncoordinated, old lady tape playing in my head.  And of course, about 2 minutes later I slipped and fell on my ass, unhurt.

Then, I went to yoga.  I used to be pretty good at yoga but it is amazing how much a year off of regular practice will do to you. And the yoga here is very different.  The teacher was great and I left the class happy, centered and ready to face the day.  But before the day was out my own judgment of my performance was in full swing.  Matt was leaving the next day for Shirkot so messaged me to ask me what time I wanted to eat dinner.  By then, I was all in my own head and couldn’t even imagine he would want to hang out with an athletically challenged, ugly, fat old lady.  *CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC*.  Dear heavens, sometimes I have to wonder about myself.

So I meet my friend for dinner.  If you haven’t realized it yet, Matt is good at everything he does.  His lovely girlfriend Amanda and I were trying to think of something he isn’t good at and we couldn’t.  He is amazingly athletic, ridiculously smart, not ugly, funny, compassionate, and has to be the most non-judgmental person I have ever known in my whole life.  During dinner, he said I seemed sad. Since I refuse to be anything but honest with him, by the time we ate dinner, I was crying and had told him how pathetic I was.  I had even regressed all the way to hating traveling and wanting to go home and wanting my life back.  I mean, all the way back to before I moved to Washington.  Matt didn’t judge, didn’t roll his eyes, didn’t even crack a smile at how dramatic I was being.  He just let me get all the poison out.  Then he made me laugh and reminded me about the last existential crisis I had when we went skiing one day last year.

Later that evening, nice and emotionally cleansed, I started thinking about all the adventures we have had together.  From kayaking, skiing, paragliding, rock climbing, hiking, camping, riding on a motorcycle in Nepal (YIKES), wine tasting, and a hundred other things.  We have had epic discussions on life, love, family, education, and just about everything you can think of.  And then it hit me.  In all that time, he has never judged me on how much I weigh, how slow I am at learning something like rolling a boat or tying a knot, or criticized any of my opinions of things even when they didn’t agree with his. He has never been frustrated at how slowly I hike or when I need to take a break.  He has never been embarrassed by my physical appearance.  There was the time Matt wanted to go out for brunch after kayaking but I didn’t have a ponytail holder so tried to beg off and he wouldn’t hear of it.  When my hair dried in the sunshine, it was crazy medusa hair.  He looked up at me and said “your hair is so awesome”.  I looked like Albert Einstein.  He has never been anything but encouraging. Here is this person, athletic, smart, funny…and he just wants to hang out and encourages me. He only gets sad when I won’t try.  So if he doesn’t have the “Robin’s not good enough” tape playing in his head, why do I?

So while he has been gone the past couple of days, I took a page from his book.  I decided I would treat myself like Matt treats me. Yesterday, I hiked up to the Peace Pagoda.  The path was moderate, but I was definitely sweating by the time I reached the top.  I just went at my own pace, I didn’t beat myself up about how fast or slow I was going.  Guidebook says it should take about an hour, I made it in 45 minutes with no pressure.  Today, I got up at dawn and hiked up Sarangkot which is about twice as steep and twice as far.  Again, I didn’t beat myself up, just kept hiking and enjoying the moment.  Made it before the clouds set in, took some great pictures and sat up at the top meditating and then wrote in my journal.  I had planned to take a cab down, but it was too beautiful a day so I hiked back down too.  It made me feel so good that tomorrow, after yoga, I am going to do it again.

So for two days now, whenever the tape even starts with what I can’t do, I tell myself to try…just try.  Maybe I can’t do it, but I will do a little more tomorrow until I can. It doesn’t matter how fast I do it or how well. I just have to try.  I am going reprogram my brain with powerful words that don’t allow for fear-based thinking. I am trying to develop an identity that has no place for emotionally poisoning and physically limiting words.

Note:  Not sure why, either wordpress or the network here, but I am not having any success at uploading photos.  I will try to add some tomorrow.

You have to believe it from the inside

Posted on by

It is funny, I usually am trying to think about what to blog that would be of interest to the people reading this.  Today someone made the comment about how “same” my posts have become. Hmm…maybe there are some of those repeat lessons I have learned, you know, the ones life tries to hit you in the head with over and over but you don’t listen? Yeah, I have a lot of those. Maybe, it takes me so long because although externally and intellectually, I have heard the lesson, I haven’t yet reached the point where I own it, where I believe it emotionally, where I believe it on the inside.

I met a great couple at dinner tonight. The wife is a yoga instructor and as we had a conversation about class tomorrow, I made one of those comments about not having practiced in awhile, being out of shape, not being athletic, not flexible enough, too fat, etc etc etc…the tape that plays in my head over and over when faced with anything physical. See, here is the thing, we all have that tape, something that tells us that we aren’t good enough.  Mine is not being athletic and/or not being pretty enough.   She said it doesn’t matter, it isn’t about being “good”, it is about believing it from the inside, it has to come from your heart or why even bother doing it? Otherwise, it is just work.  That is what this post is about.

Things I have been learning – a summary of the last 6 months

Traveling: I hate traveling. I hate living out of suitcases. I hate the feeling of having to keep up with my passport or having to worry that, if it gets lost, of not being allowed back into my own country. I hate worrying about details.  I hate the feeling of trying to figure out where I am when I have no maps, there are no street signs, and I don’t speak the language.  But as challenging as I find traveling and as much as I dislike those inconveniences, I also love the knowledge that traveling gives a person in life.

Culture is a very important thing and I am not minimizing it. But when you strip away culture, we are all human beings.  People love, laugh, get angry, hurt, sleep, eat, need…no matter what culture they are from.  As you see other people in other places, once you get over the shock of a different culture, you recognize that the underlying humanity is all the same. Love and acceptance of other people is what binds us all together.

The other thing I get from traveling is that, when I travel and am out of my comfort zone, the sounds are different, the colors are different, the smells are different, and the routine is different. All my senses are on heightened awareness.  Every cell in my body comes alive.

Lesson learned:  If you are stuck in a rut, putting yourself in a scary situation is one of the best ways to get out of it.  All our excuses of not being good enough, thin enough, athletic enough, social enough, whatever… are just excuses.  It might not feel good or comfortable, but when you get through it, you will not only have more confidence, you will feel more totally alive. You see the world around you from a very different perspective. But you have to move out of your comfort zone.  That doesn’t necessarily mean traveling, but it means facing fears head on from the inside, because that is where fear lives.

Friendships:  I am in Nepal right now with my friend Matt, who I have blogged about a lot so I won’t go into another Matt story (although I have several).  Because we are such unlikely friends (gender and age differences), a lot of people ask us how we met and are interested in our friendship.  I always tell them that sometimes the universe gives you a gift, and my gift when I was struggling to get through a divorce and learn how to be alone again was Matt.  We are only friends, but every 40 something woman getting divorced should have a platonic friendship with a younger person who can teach her how to play again after a lifetime of responsibility to a husband, children, home, job, etc.  Someone who can teach her how to put herself first.

But it isn’t a one way street.  I haven’t been the only one to benefit from that relationship, Matt has too.  He has had the benefit of being a young person and having role reversal of an older person treating him as wise, to listen to him, to take his advice. And he has asked for my advice too and I have been the one to listen or to be there for him when he needed me.  I don’t talk about those times because those are Matt’s stories to tell, not mine.  Someone tonight told me that I should write a book about this experience, but for the first time, they also told Matt that he should write it with me, because friendship doesn’t just go one way.

Lesson learned:  Tennyson said it best “I am a part of all I have met”. Every person we meet has an effect on us, and we on them. And it doesn’t matter if we think we are strong enough, thin enough, athletic enough… whatever, we still have the power to influence all that we meet. To think that we don’t have an influence on the people around us with what we say or do and that we have no responsibility to people other than ourselves is crazy.  Every person, even the beggar on the street who asked us for change has impacted us somehow.  The opposite, to believe that we influence others yet somehow others don’t influence us in return, is also incredibly unrealistic.  We are all changed by encountering and knowing other people. All of us have that power to give and receive to all the people that we meet.  We have to ask ourselves, what are we giving?  And what are we receiving from those encounters?  Whether they are positive or negative is in our control and that control happens on the inside.

I have learned that the planet is a very, very small place and that our actions have consequences.  People’s lives can be enhanced or diminished by our actions and we have to take responsibility for those actions.  In return, our lives can also be enhanced by those interactions. 

DCIM100GOPRO

Flying with Kevin, the Egyptian vulture

Adventure:  I have had my share of adventure.  Yesterday, I got to paraglide with an Egyptian vulture who flew before me finding the thermals of air and then would come eat buffalo meat off my hand (yes while in the air) as a reward.  It was pretty amazing.  Add to that, I had a view of the Himalayas in the background and it went from amazing to spectacular.

Today, I got to go to a “vulture restaurant” where, as part of a conservation effort to help the vulture population which has been suffering in Asia, a cow which had died of natural causes was skinned and left out for the vultures to feed.  I got to watch the whole thing from the skinning to feeding and it was one of the most incredible sights I have ever witnessed. Whoever could have imagined how simultaneously majestic and awkward vultures can be? From the huge Himalayan griffins to the Egyptian vultures, the feeding was one of the most intense experiences of nature I have ever witnessed. The cow was picked clean within 60 minutes, an entire cow. It was like being straight in National Geographic live.

IMG_2359

Kevin

The thing about vultures, is a lot of people think they are ugly.  But if you have ever watched one soar on thermals, they are some of the most majestic birds you will ever watch.  And they have value and purpose. If you take the vultures out of the ecosystem like in Asia where they have been dying, the purpose they served which is to get rid of waste gets filled by something else, dogs for example. In our minds, vultures are scary ugly creatures and dogs are happy creatures so this seems like a good thing, right?  But unlike vultures, dogs bring and spread diseases which affect humans.  They have litters of pups which then attract the jaguars from the hills for puppy snacks, but human children aren’t any different from puppies so then jaguars are killing humans too.   So the absence of the vultures means that the whole balance of life is upset.  And the reality is, vultures have a bad rap for being “ugly” just because we don’t like what they do. But they are actually beautiful birds if you look at them closely. And you just have to watch one fly, to effortlessly glide on a thermal better than just about any bird out there, well…not only are they useful, they are some of the most beautiful creatures on the planet.

Lesson learned:  So many times in life, the tape plays in our heads: I am not good enough, strong enough, or athletic enough.  I am too fat, thin, ugly, shy, I am not….enough.  Just like with the vultures, all of us, every single human being is both majestic and awkward at the same time. It is what makes us uniquely who we are.  And we are all absolutely valuable parts of the system of our lives.  We have value. Regardless of what anyone says about us or to us or how anyone judges us on being too fat, ugly, thin, dumb, not socially acceptable in whatever sphere we are in…we have value.  So let’s change the tape, push eject and put in a new one. We, no matter how we are judged for outward appearance, have value and we are beautiful. And it has no bearing on how smart, thin, athletic, rich, popular, young, or anything else other people perceive you to be. That beauty and value comes from the inside

My take away from all of this: We are all a vital part of the world around us.  We are all part of all who we have met…. and they are part of us. What diminishes one, diminishes all. What enhances one, enhances us all.  To diminish or judge others, we are actually diminishing and judging ourselves.  To compare ourselves to others, when we have our own unique place in the system, is to diminish our own worth and value. You have to believe it from the inside.

In 12 days, I will be home and I get to see Brooklyn and Charlotte.  Life is good.

Namaste

 

Namaste…

Posted on by

P1070237Each place I have traveled, I have learned a few words. Namaste is hello and goodbye in Nepali. I traveled from Madrid to Kathmandu where once again, I am immersed in a third world country.  Just like with Ethiopia, it is a country with a soul.  The people are friendly, the country is magical and the feeling I get is like breathing in time itself.  It is a spiritual place.  And it is also a place where the old and traditional is mixed with the new.

Incense burners

Incense burners

I met my friends Matt and Amanda in Kathmandu, where Amanda was getting ready to fly back to the US.  We had time to go to one of the oldest spiritual sites in Nepal, Swayambhu. Matt’s guidebook says that the ancient stupa dates back to the 5th century.

Prayer wheels

Prayer wheels

It is said that an act of worship here carries thirteen billion times more merit than anywhere else.  It is definitely a spiritual place.  There are incense burners that are covered with hundreds of years of drippings of the prayers of pilgrims.

Prayer flags

Prayer flags

After climbing the 365 stairs to the main temple, Buddhist pilgrims make clockwise circumambulations to spin the prayer wheels on the outside.  From the viewpoint at the top of the stairs you can see the whole of Kathmandu.  The prayer flags snap in the wind above your head as you look down from the dizzying height of the staircase you just ascended.

P1070291

Matt the Monkey Whisperer

Tourists call the site “The Monkey Temple” because of the wild monkeys that live there. To me, that seems disrespectful once you have experienced the spiritual culture of the place.  But there are monkeys, lots of them.  They swing from the trees and the babies will swing from the prayer flags. They are pretty amusing.  Amanda said that it felt like being in the zoo with no cages.

After dinner and saying goodbye to Amanda, I went back to my hotel room.  Clean, economical hotels can be found for about $20 a night. For around $5 a night (my friend Matt’s price point), you can get budget accommodations. I am not sure what the $200 a night accommodations are like. I am pretty happy with my clean, $20 a night, terraced hotel room with its own bath with has a lake view here in Pokhara.

The next morning Matt and I met at 6:30 for our eight hour bus ride to Pokhara.  Matt looked like hell when he got to my hotel.  Come to find out, he had food poisoning the night before and spent the entire night vomiting.  I know it was a long bus ride for him.

Village child

Village child

Riding on the bus, traveling along the Prithvi Highway, which is the main truck route between Kathmandu and India, is a harrowing experience. The bus travels out of the Kathmandu valley up through the notch in the rim at Thankot and the experience gives the rider sweeping views of the villages, endless hills, rice terraces, and sugar cane, at least what you can see out of a moving bus window. It seems like an endless road of switchbacks, sheer drops and mountains everywhere and crazy traffic.

Prickly cucumbers??

Prickly cucumbers??

Grows wild on the side of the road

Grows wild on the side of the road

The bus stopped at a couple of places where you could purchase breakfast and lunch from roadside vendors that are mainly there to provide daal bhaat (traditional Nepalese dish) or rice to bus travelers and long distance drivers.  The guide book also says these stands provide prostitutes to the long haul drivers also, but I was too worried about Matt to be that aware of my surroundings.  I did however find several items that vendors had that I didn’t recognize and one that I did that was growing wild on the side of the road.

After arriving in Pokhara at about 3 pm yesterday, Matt dropped me off at my hotel where I have a lovely view of the Phewa Tal. Dinner was Indian food on an open patio looking out over the lake, the mountains and the temple at the top of a nearby hill.  Breakfast was muesli with banana curd. I am waiting for Matt to get well to join me for my first taste of daal bhaat which he says he could eat every day and never get tired of it.  I am not sure what I am going to do today, maybe just walk around a lot and buy some flip flops and clothes for warmer weather. I packed for Spain not Nepal. I missed yoga this morning because I was a slug-a-bed. I might rent a bike and ride around a bit or a boat and paddle out on the lake.

paraglidersRight now, I am happy with a book, sitting on the terrace with my milk tea watching the paragliders and the haze try to clear and just being still.  Namaste.

Note:  After writing this I got a call from my friend who, after sleeping for 14 hours is better this morning and going to fly. Yay!  I am glad he is well and hopefully we will get to taste some daal bhaat soon.

Like the layers of an onion…

Posted on by

I am always amazed when life lets me hear exactly what I need to hear exactly at the moment I need and am ready to hear it. I don’t know why that amazes me because it happens all the time.  For me, it happens when I feel like I have reached the bottom.  Maybe that is the only time in my life that I stop struggling and just let go trying to control everything and just allow myself to BE.  That is when I can hear what I need to hear.

It was funny, I had been stressing about filling up the next two weeks in Andalucía for the last two weeks. Nothing I tried to book worked, from my B&B reservations that got cancelled, to my debit card not working to book my train tickets, etc.  If all those frustrating things hadn’t happened, I would still be miserably stressing over how to fill up my days. Because of my frustration, I lamented that to Matt in a message a few days ago and he said, “come to Nepal” and I said, “if I can work the details out I will”. After all the frustration I had in Spain, I thought there was no way in hell I would be able to organize a trip to Nepal in 3 days, I hadn’t even been able to get a hotel room in Granada. Yet amazingly, all the plans just fell into place, like this was exactly what I was supposed to do at this moment.  Funny how that happens.

Now I sit here, all checked in for tomorrow’s early morning flight.  I have to admit, I am looking forward to seeing my friend even just for a couple of days.

I process things in a cyclical fashion, maybe we all do. It is like a spiral, where I go round and round with an issue, thinking I have got it solved, until it rears its head again. Only when I look at it closely, it isn’t quite the same, it is better than it was, just not finished yet. And it keeps spiraling around and around getting tighter and tighter, kind of like being caught in a whirlpool or a black hole, until all of a sudden, it is actually gone and isn’t an issue anymore.  In this case, my struggle has been with the same old thing that I have been whining about for months, maybe years… my attachment to the past and the way life “should” be.

And then, a couple of days ago, this is what someone told me about my “stuckness”:

Start with what is clogging you up, figure out what isn’t relevant to your life or is harmful to your well-being.  If it is still there, there is a reason.  Find it, learn that reason and then find another way to acquire that need and then get rid of what isn’t relevant. When that thing is out of your life, look again at what is holding you back.  Layer by layer, like the layers of an onion, peel away what is in your life by habit that serves you no purpose, refine what is left so you understand what’s their use. In the end it should get very slim.

Remember you are not letting go of the love or the lessons, only the attachment. Some people need to stay in your life, not because of your need but theirs.  Some people need to go, not because you don’t love them but because they aren’t good for you or you for them. Be gentle but strong, lovingly push them away, send them with good wishes and a prayer but walk away. By giving people their freedom and letting go of things you find your own freedom, even though it is the last thing you planned.

Yeah… that did it.  I felt like I had been shot from a proverbial cannon.  What hit me was that is what I have been doing ever since I started this journey when I started giving up all my stuff.  I have been methodically peeling away all the layers.  With each challenge I have faced, I am more and more exposed to the core of what I am.  There is nothing left to hide behind.  I have finally reached the really, really hard internal attachments that I still cling to.  And basically, I am stuck because I don’t really want to face them. I have been blaming the lack of home and physical possessions, but it isn’t the “stuff”… things like money and furniture… where I am stuck is my story and who I believe I am and the disconnect between that and who I want to be.

I knew this would be the hardest part.  And it is. It makes giving up my physical stuff from my apartment look like it was a walk in the park.  Yikes.  I will say it again, because I personally need the reminder, life is exactly as it should be.