The Great Equalizer

Posted on July 27, 2013 by rangotti

I can’t believe how fast the summer has gone. All of a sudden, I only have on week left in Seattle, then a week in eastern Washington before I fly to the east coast to see my family in Maine and North Carolina. And then I leave the country. Where did the time go?

I have been surprised by the responses to this blog. I get emails and messages on a weekly basis from people both known and unknown to me. One of the common threads in all of them is to thank me for sharing my story and then to tell me how courageous I am. I always chuckle at that. If I give off the impression of courage, it must be because my terror isn’t coming across via the interwebz.

One reader told me that she always thought that people who are more well-traveled or intelligent than she was are unapproachable, that surely they have never been insecure or vulnerable. She told me she would try not to carry on a conversation with people like that because she might be seen as a “dunce”. All I could think of when reading her letter is that she is depriving all those people of the unique beauty and life perspective that she alone has. Because all of us, every single human being, has a unique story, outlook on life, pearl of wisdom, etc. And the only way to figure out who will connect to us is to risk vulnerability and share our stories.

I spent the last week doing professional development for teachers in a very rural place. In that time, I had the privilege to have dinner with three other women. The only thing we all had in common was that we were all teachers and we were all within 15 years apart in age. We came from very different backgrounds, ethnicity, lifestyles, etc. We spent four hours sharing our stories of joy, heartbreak, betrayal, mistakes, success. We laughed at the unpredictable nature of life and the blessings that come from unexpected places. It was wonderful and I have a greater appreciation for each of these women because I understand their struggles, the risks they have taken, the overwhelming courage they have shown to carve the lives they wanted for themselves. They were spectacular. I look forward to seeing them again.

When I first started writing this blog, I debated making it personal. I was just going to make it a travel blog. Then I realized that if someone wanted to travel to a place and find generic details they could just use Wikipedia or Lonely Planet. Those details mean nothing without the emotion and insight of my travels attached to them. Sharing those personal details are difficult for me, I struggle every time I hit the Publish button. But I always come to the same conclusion, let the readers take away what they need. If there is nothing there, they they can delete. Simple.

When I started, I figured I would be the only one reading this blog. So to have a reader tell me that one of the things they have learned from reading it is that “human emotion is the great equalizer. We all laugh, cry, feel joy, get scared no matter how smart, wise, famous, or wealthy we are.” If putting my feelings out there in this blog helped one person get to the understanding that all of us have a commonality of human emotions, then the discomfort of pushing the Publish button and letting myself be vulnerable is worth it.

Many people write and ask me for advice. For someone whose life has been so out of control for so long, I still am amazed that anyone would want my advice. People ask me how to get the courage to try new things, how to take risks, how to make decisions without worrying, and how to handle when someone laughs at you. Well here is what I know so far that worked for me:

1. Although hiding would feel good and safe, fear is where the fun starts. Changing my life started with facing my fears, one at a time. You have to do something you think you can’t do. Anything, just try something new. And then do it again. You gain confidence as you experience success.

2. Keep a journal. We have to believe our thoughts are important enough to write down. I keep a handwritten journal, I have kept it for the last 7 years. Those journals contain all my fears, desires, thanks, joy, anger, my crazy moments…all of it. Sometimes I have typed my handwritten thoughts out, like in this blog for example, but that isn’t the same as keeping a journal for just myself. I have to believe that my thoughts are important, even if no one else ever reads them.

3. Get laughed at. One of the things I know about confident people is that they realize that getting laughed at doesn’t matter. My amazingly confident son is a great example. He would be at the mall on an escalator and just not get off and fall. He did it on purpose just to get a reaction out of people. The trick is to laugh at yourself with people as they are laughing at you. You have to OWN it, whatever you did that made them laugh at you. It is all about confidence. One of my favorite TED videos: The shared experience of aburdity. My advice: be absurd and own it.

4. Go to a bar, restaurant, park or coffee shop (anywhere in public) by yourself. Yes, in public, alone. After a lifetime of being married and having kids and lots of friends, I didn’t know how to be alone in public. So I just stayed inside all the time. Finally, I realized I needed to get out because I was sad and lonely. When I first started dining alone, I would bring a book, sit at the bar, get a beverage and a nice meal and read. Now I can go anywhere alone, it doesn’t bother me at all. I love to sit and watch people. I remember those first times, it was scary. So here is the tip, if you are sad and lonely at home, go be sad and lonely out in a park where you are in the sunshine and there are people around. Watch people. Just sit, put a book in your hands and pretend to read, and watch people. You will realize they are just as insecure as you are. Or go and actually read or write in your journal, but get outside your house.

5. Tell someone something you don’t want them to know. Start with someone you trust. When I am getting to know someone, I always ask them two questions, one of those questions is “what don’t you want me to know about you?”. If that person can risk and tell me something that they think is a dark secret, the thing that they think would make me want to reject them, then I am interested in knowing them. Because it means I can risk the same back with them and that I don’t have to hide who I am. People who can’t do that with me are the superficial people I keep on the outer circle of my friends. I know them, I see them at parties or gatherings, but they aren’t someone I am going to be invested in keeping up a relationship with. I learned this lesson the hard way, by giving my trust to someone who was superficial. It was the worst mistake I have ever made.

If you want to be inspired to risk vulnerability, watch The Power of Vulnerability. Yeah…I know, I have a slight TED video addiction.

Things that are important..

Posted on July 22, 2013 by rangotti

Charlotte & Brooklyn

I have two beautiful twin granddaughters, Brooklyn and Charlotte. They are the most amazing children ever (spoken like a true grandmother). They are intelligent, inquisitive and involved with the world and people around them. As I have been getting ready to go to Africa, it had been weighing very heavily on my mind that I would not see them again until the holidays. They are growing so fast and I am missing so much of their lives.

So I made a decision. Even though I wanted to hike Kilimanjaro and had paid for the excursion, I want to use the time to go for a visit to two of the most important people in my life. So I am choosing to give up my trip to visit with my family. My daughter and her new boyfriend are going to join me so my whole family will be together.

It is the right decision, I would have been hiking Kili and not been able to get to Ethiopia until the day before school starts. This way, I will get there a couple of weeks early and be able to settle in, write lesson plans and get ready for school to start. And I get to spend a few days with those beautiful girls before I leave.

I have been overwhelmed with details of getting my stuff together, deciding what to take and what to leave behind, knowing that I really have no place to leave anything since I don’t have a house anymore. I am really having to think carefully about everything that comes with me. I want to have enough room in my luggage to bring school supplies and things that I might need for my classroom.

I have to admit, I have been struggling with it both emotionally and physically. The stress is getting to me. It has made it hard to write this blog and be positive. I make it harder because I expect a lot out of myself and I expect to be handling everything perfectly. Not only have I not been doing it perfectly, I have pretty much sucked at how I have handled stuff so far. From procrastinating on details that need to be taken care of to avoidance of the emotion of leaving, I have been making a lot of mistakes.

When something is right though, the universe will make it happen despite my attempts to derail it. Everything is falling into place. Visas have been arranged, travel is straight, vaccinations are finished, even the packing will get done. Because I had already culled my possessions when I moved out of my house, there isn’t a lot to go through now, so it really won’t be as hard as I am making it out to be in my mind. And I know that soon, I will be on a plane going to the birthplace of humanity and the soul of the world. I am excited, anxious, happy, and terrified all at the same time.

Jump and the net will appear. ~John Burroughs

Posted on July 18, 2013 by rangotti

I don’t actually believe the saying “Jump and the net will appear”. From what I understand about life, I think that sometimes we jump and we just hit the ground and there isn’t any net. Nothing catches us, we just fall flat on our faces. Yeah, I know…ouch.

I come from a family who believes in pragmatism. My brother, the one that is our mom’s favorite, buys a new truck about every 10 years. When he was 50, he bought a new truck and told everyone he was “two trucks from death”. When questioned on that, he would say,”I am 50 years old, if I buy a truck every 10 years I will buy another when I am 60 and one more when I am 70. Chances are, I will be dead when I am 80 so I am two trucks from death. I come from a family that is “that kind” of pragmatic. They approach life with humor, grace, realism, and incredible bluntness. My brother currently has a job where he has use of a work truck to commute and he only puts about 1000 miles a year on his personal truck so it should last another 30 years. He now calls it the “death truck”. When you go to visit, he will say “don’t bother renting a car, you can just drive the death truck”. Yeah…that is my family and they are amazing. I love them dearly.

Family vacation, circa 1966

My family has never been one on ceremony or flowery speaking. They understand life on an elemental level. Maybe it is because of the dramatic change of seasons in New England where they live, or maybe it is the harshness of the winters, I don’t know. I just know that they understand that there are seasons of our lives just like there are seasons in the world around us. To demonstrate that, when we had a family reunion, they would say “look around you, there are three groups of people. There are the young kids swimming in the frigid cold lake, the 30- and 40-somethings playing horseshoes, and then all the old guys over there talking politics”. When they themselves, in their 50s and 60s, started gravitating to the politics group, they acknowledged it and accepted it with that same bluntness and realism, knowing that they had reached another season of their lives. One of the best things about them is you always know right where you stand with them. They have hearts of gold, but don’t ask them a question you don’t really want to know the answer to, because they will give it to you.

When I moved to Seattle I was 44. My brother told me then, “Robin, you’ve got 30 more years. In your seventies, you aren’t going to be learning how to kayak, ride a mountain bike, ski etc. If there is something you want to learn how to do, you need to do it now. Otherwise, you will be like our mother who is in her seventies sitting around lamenting about all the things she wishes she had done in her life but now doesn’t have the capacity to do”. My brother isn’t saying I can’t learn anything or have adventures after 70, he is reminding me to take advantage of every moment of my life so I won’t have regrets. I remind myself of that often.

Ever since I started talking about teaching in Ethiopia, I have had wavering feelings about what I am doing. That is probably pretty normal with such a big undertaking. And of course, with my type A personality, I think I have to do it perfectly. Which means that I beat myself up whenever I have a self-doubt. I also have this crazy idea that I have to deal with it all on my own, without accepting any help from anyone else. Needless to say, the past couple of weeks have been ones of ups and downs. I have the feeling that will happen several more times before I am finally on the plane.

Saying goodbye to friends

The downs have happened when I have been overwhelmed by details of international visas, travel arrangements, all the unknown obstacles of long term international travel and work, dealing with my physical stuff here in the U.S. and dealing with the emotion behind leaving my friends and family that I love. The ups have occurred when I tell people about what I am going to do and they say, “I have a friend who lives/lived in Addis, let me connect you” and I get these emails from people around the world who tell me how much I am going to love it. They give me connections to great coffee shops, restaurants, and insights into things to do. And not just in the city, but things that will call to my adventurous side also. Places like the Simien Mountains, the Danakil depression, Gondar, the Blue Nile Falls, and Lake Tana and when I look at the pictures, I can’t help but be excited by the adventure. Those times I feel like I can totally do this.

Even more important, I have spent the first half of my life figuring out what my values are, what I believe in, and what I am willing to risk taking a stand for. This is an opportunity for me to be able to make a difference and it is an opportunity that not many people get. I understand how fortunate I am. Now it is time to put those values and beliefs into action…to put my time and effort into being the change I want to see in the world.

Some people can affect change in the world by what they say so eloquently. I have always envied those people who can articulate themselves so perfectly. I am not one of them. I, like my brothers, am too blunt and pragmatic. But what I lack in communication skills, I make up for in action, I figure out ways to make things happen. But in order to do that, first I have to jump, net or no net…because I only have 30 more years.

Maybe those bumps aren’t in the way…maybe they are the way.

Posted on July 13, 2013 by rangotti

Ferris wheel on the Seattle waterfront

Watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you, because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in the magic will never find it! ~Ronald Dahl

I have had several “ah-ha” moments this week which all have a common theme. Sometimes I get mired in my own fears, disbelief, and insecurity and when that happens, I lose my clarity on the world around me. Instead of trusting my instincts and believing that everything will work out, all I see are the bumps in the way.

But I am also the luckiest girl in the world. I am blessed with amazing people who give me shifts in perspective, essentially helping me open my eyes to what I am not seeing. And that is where the magic of my life occurs.

This week, I spent some time with a friend while he was in Seattle getting fitted for a new bike. I have known him for awhile online and he always seemed to be a bit self-centered in his online persona. I hadn’t spent any time actually talking to him in person so I was a bit apprehensive when I offered to be his tour guide while he was in Seattle. Come to find out, I was totally wrong in my perceptions about him and if I had let my original insecurity stop me from getting to know him better, I would have missed the opportunity to learn from his unique perspective on life.

He is a photographer and I have always been captivated by his work. He has an awareness of the world around him that comes out in his pictures; an awareness of himself, the world around him, as well as the people in it. In person, I realized he is probably one of the most adept people I have ever met for staying in the moment and being totally present with you. Without even seeming to pay attention he noticed details about the scenes and people that I, even living in Seattle, had no awareness of. He is someone who utilizes all of his senses and his intuition to understand the world around him and that is what makes him a great photographer. I didn’t realize it until I met him but that is what I was drawn to in his photographs. He captures the moment in an elemental way that activates all your senses and immerses you in the scene which brings forth things that you didn’t even know were there. Magic.

In talking with him, he told me stories of traveling around the world surfing and becoming comfortable in other cultures. He told me stories of triumph, failure, joy and agony and he embraced all of those things as what life is about. He told me his philosophies of life and gave me the space to be myself and share mine in return. He is the type of person I have always wanted to be…embracing life, accepting his mistakes with grace, being truly in the moment, caring about the people in his life, and just being wonderfully alive.

Since he left, I have been having a ton of difficulty in getting things ready to leave for Africa and I started going into meltdown mode. I was freaking out over logistical details. I could only see the obstacles, the bumps in the road. I made a post about my fears in my online forum and a friend said “maybe those bumps aren’t in the way…maybe they are the way.” BAM…that is the perspective shift I needed.

It made me think about the person I had just said I wanted to be. Someone who embraces all of life, both the part with bumps as well as those that are smooth sailing. Someone who can be truly in the moment, caring about people, fully alive…and it hit me. It would all work out.

I just need to be confident and trust myself. The path I am on is the path for me, I just need to keep walking.

You have to let go of all you have … in order to gain the world

Posted on July 7, 2013 by rangotti

Real freedom is having nothing. I was freer when I didn’t have a cent. ~Mike Tyson

I have struggled to write this blog post. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed by too many choices. For most of my life I haven’t had to face a lot of choices. My life has been one of survival. The choices I faced were almost always binary, i.e. do I keep this job or be unemployed, can I afford to buy this or not. Binary choices are easy. An abundance of choices is more difficult.

I have worked very hard throughout my life and for the most part, have done a very good job at what I do. It has gained me some notoriety and opened lots of doors for a successful career. I also have been a relatively decent human being and that has gained me a fair amount of people who love me and who I love spending time with. I am extremely grateful for both of those things and for all the choices they have given me.

One of the things I have struggled with is how to make a choice between several equally great things where there is no bad choice to eliminate. I struggle with trying to figure out what I really want. Right now, I am struggling with my sabbatical. I have had so many great offers to do incredible work in exotic places. I have choices to have amazing personal experiences like riding bikes, hiking, diving, etc with fascinating people in places I have never dreamed I would get to go in my life. I have wonderful choices to visit and spend time with people I love in places that are dear to heart. And I haven’t been able to choose.

So I tried to think about how to combine them so I could do it all, and frankly, it stressed me out. I struggled to make the choice which will make everyone happy and meet everyone’s needs. But what I really needed to be asking myself is “what do I want to do?”. Such a simple, yet complex question.

In writing out this blog post, what I realized is that it is about letting go. I have already let go of my physical stuff. Now I need to let go of people’s expectations for me. I need to let go of the idea of disappointing people. I need to let go of my own ideas of failure and success. I need to let go of fear of the unknown. I need to let go of all of those things so that my hands are empty and my heart is open. Only then will I be ready to reach for whatever is to be my destiny.

I have decided this week to accept an offer to teach in Ethiopia for the next year. There will be some side trips to a few other countries for vacation, other work and to visit with my beautiful granddaughters, but the majority of my sabbatical will be spent in Ethiopia. It is a chance to do work that is some of the most innovative and has a greater potential for impact on humanity, on my career, and on me personally than anything I have done thus far.

As I was writing out that line, I realized…it is what I want to do.

Collecting stories

Posted on July 2, 2013 by rangotti

I was getting ready to meet some imaginary internet people I only knew virtually from a bike forum and I was a little creeped out by the idea. So in my anxiety, I texted my very wise friend and mentor Matt who always knows the right thing to say. I remember asking “Matt what to hell am I doing traveling half way across the country to meet some random people from the internet?” Matt’s answer, perfect as always, was “Robin, you are collecting stories and that is what life is, a collection of stories. It means you are living life like you should.”

If you have been following, you know the past three weeks I have been traveling, living out a tent (with an occasional hotel), cycling and hiking while trying to mentally and physically prepare for hiking Kilimanjaro in two months. During that time I have seen some incredible landscapes and scenery from around the United States. I have seen wildlife, amazing vistas, sun-kissed plains, breathtaking mountains, waterfalls, rivers, and too many other things to mention. Everywhere I went was a unique place with beauty all its own. But the thing that made each place special was the people I met and the stories they told.

Team Collin

From hitchhikers in Yosemite, a magical wedding in a castle in Colorado, to meeting my absolutely amazing team members of Team Collin and riding in 24 Hours of Booty in Indianapolis, I have collected stories of women and men who are courageous, joyful, compassionate, passionate, impulsive, adventurous, thoughtful, loving, and a dozen more adjectives. And I have to say, they were all spectacular. The only regret I have is not having more individual time with all of them.

When I am one-on-one with people I always try to ask them two questions. I ask them “what do you want me to know about you”? For that question, I usually hear what people are passionate about. They try to give me a glimpse of the things that mean the most to them like their love of music, being a good parent, things they care deeply about. I love hearing about those things. It gives a glimpse into their heart.

Then I ask them “what don’t you want me to know”? Not everyone can answer that question, and that isn’t wrong, it is really hard to risk that type of sharing. For me, I am always captivated by those who can answer it. People who can reach down from their gut and show the raw courage that it takes to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to pull the mask off and show someone else our flaws, our dark sides.

The people that can answer those two questions in a very real authentic way are the people I gravitate toward because I know that they are the people who will be open with me about themselves and who won’t shrink back when I am open about myself. There are many people in the world that don’t want that kind of deep understanding of others, they prefer the superficial “goodness” of life. They want life to be “perfect”, a fairy tale where people only recognize when things are going well, they refuse to acknowledge the darker side of life. That is how I used to be…and then, I was divided by zero and life became undefined. The fairy tale ended because that is what fairy tales do.

Receiving the Spirit of Booty Award

At the same time the opposite can also be true, there are people who only see the dark side and can’t see the joy, laughter, hilarious antics, unbelievable bravery, love, tenacity and spirit of people who have faced tremendous obstacles and found ways to face them with grace, courage, and humility.

brian

My teammates of Team Collin epitomize that spirit. They see the good and the bad, they see life as a whole array of emotion. They are exactly the kind of people I want in my life. And these were the sketchy internet people from my opening paragraph. Who would have thought?

As I face the next chapter of my life, I have realized that I would rather take life and emotion raw than sugar-coated. I want to surround myself with people who can sit with my pain, share in my joy, empathize with my sorrow, and engage with me in laughter. I want the whole experience, good and bad, because that is what living life is all about for me. I want to choose relationships with people who will accept me fully. The only way to find those people is to collect their stories.

len & stacy stephen len & marvin

You need a bigger sample size…

Posted on June 25, 2013 by rangotti

I have a minor in statistics so I understand the value of a large sample size to filter out anomalies in data. With data on finances or school statistics, that is easy to see. But it is harder to realize that that same thing applies to people and experiences.

This building a new identity in my 40’s is tough stuff. Identity formation is the development of our personality. A lot of people believe that it is finite, that it develops during your teens and then stays fixed. I don’t believe that. I believe it is always evolving and is effected by lots of factors like our biology, culture, people who love us, people who have harmed us and which we have caused harm to, our actions (both good and bad), experiences we have had, and choices made all of which form who we are at this moment (source: Palmer, P.J., The heart of a teacher: Identity and integrity in teaching). It is a continual process which happens throughout our lives. Our identity is what defines the characteristics which other people recognize in us and establishes our reputation. It both gives us a sense of uniqueness from others yet also defines groups we identify with.

When I was married, my identity was as a wife, mother, teacher, learner, sister, daughter…the interesting thing is that all those things define a life of being lived for others. There was no point where others ended and I began, I put everyone else before myself always. My whole life was solely defined by doing things for others. One of the things I have come to realize since my divorce is that my ex didn’t really love me, he loved the idea of me. He loved the things I could offer his life, but he didn’t really even know who I am. But that might be my fault, I didn’t really have a “me” at that time. When my marriage ended, with my children grown, one of the hardest questions I have faced is How do I want myself to be defined? Who do I want to be now?

One of the things I have been privileged to do since my divorce is to participate in great activities with lots of amazing and diverse people. Adventure defines a major part of who I am today. I was struck by that on my travels when I met a bunch of adventurous people in their 20’s and 30’s at a wedding I went to. In one of those surreal moments of my life, after telling them about my travels this summer and my upcoming sabbatical in Africa, one of these beautiful, adventurous, dynamic people said “I want to be like you”. I had to laugh because I was thinking I wanted to be as unrestrained and adventurous as she was. Her comment gave me food for thought and a change in perspective of how I view myself.

I love it when that happens, a perspective shift. That is one of the benefits of meeting new people and having new adventures. It gives me a chance to see how other people view me and my behavior. It gives me a glimpse to see their perceptions of the identity I have created. It provides opportunities to see what is working or not. So with both activities and people, sometimes what I need is a bigger sample size… I think that is the benefit of traveling and meeting new people. I see things from different perspectives, I learn new ideas and ways of thinking, I push the boundaries of my beliefs about self and others. I open my mind to new opportunities.

Kelsey and Chris make a beautiful couple

I have been privileged in the past few weeks to meet many really exceptional people. From the two guys I picked up hitchhiking in Yosemite after they had been backpacking for a week, reconnecting with people from my former life, meeting the wonderful wedding guests of my friends Chris and Kelsey, and interacting with the amazing people I am getting ready to meet at 24 Hours of Booty in Indianapolis this week, I have been blessed with opportunities for growth and enrichment. All of them have impacted my life and helped me understand even more emphatically that I am on the right path for my life.

If you are finding yourself stuck and know you want to make changes in your life, there is only one way to do that, you have to increase your sample size. You have to do things differently, new experiences, new people. It really is the path to self-exploration and growth.

Thanks to all for the gift of the time you have spent with me in the last few weeks. Your time is really the most valuable thing you have to give. And thanks for helping me increase my sample size.

Collin

Posted on June 20, 2013 by rangotti

Today I lacked motivation on all fronts. I stayed at a hotel last night and visited with a friend and watched her race a short track mountain bike race. The race was fabulous…you rock Beth! But the hotel about did me in. I slept for 9 hours straight. Those people who know me know that I rarely sleep more than 5-6 hour at a stretch. This morning I got up and the hotel had a breakfast buffet so I didn’t even have to scrounge for breakfast. And they had hot water that didn’t need to be boiled over a fire, free WiFi, and flush toilets. I was living in decadence.

I had decided to forgo my morning ride and just hang out and chill, yet it was also time for a blog post. I was struggling to find something to blog about and my friend Kurt suggested that if I get out and ride, I would find my motivation as well as my post. Way to light a fire under my ass there Kurt! I did find it a bit ironic that, after 2 weeks of camping out with hiking and cycling and only sporadic access to showers that Kurt suggested I ride to Hygiene CO, but I have to admit, riding this morning gave me motivation for this blog post.

I got my bike kit out of the car and then dragged my feet upstairs to change. I pulled my Team Collin kit out from my bag. Whenever I put on that kit, I feel motivated to ride. In case you haven’t read the right sidebar of this blog, I am a member of Team Collin. To give you the backstory:

Team Collin

Team Collin started as a group of cycling enthusiasts from around the country who ‘met’ through an online cycling forum called “the Lounge”; on occasion a few forum members would meet to ride together and socialize. The seeds of Team Collin were planted in 2008 when Collin, the 7-month old son of one of our forum members, was diagnosed with an aggressive type of leukemia. Collin’s family would keep the forum updated as his difficult treatment progressed while ‘Loungers’ offered prayers and support of various kinds. Every little improvement in Collin’s condition was celebrated by hundreds of people all over country as his courageous battle became a focal point for so many who were themselves cancer patients/survivors, or who had lost loved ones to cancer.

In the spring of 2010, just after his 2nd birthday, Collin lost his battle and passed on in the arms of his loving family. The members of the Lounge collectively mourned his loss, and his death became an event that acted as the catalyst to finalize the formation of Team Collin. As the team’s namesake, his memory and his courage are celebrated when Team Collin gathers every year to support fund-raising to support cancer research, treatment and education.

I will ride with them next week in Indianapolis.

So I put my kit on this morning, and it felt like cloaking myself in armor and going off to war. Not a war to end life, but a war against cancer. It is a very simple thing for me to use my health and fitness to help others. I ride with a list of names in my jersey of people who I know whose lives have been affected by cancer. Many of them can’t ride anymore, so I ride for them.

But for me, that kit represents more than that. I am not sure I can articulate this, but Collin’s life has touched mine. I didn’t know him, I wasn’t even a member of the forum when he was sick, and I have never met his parents. But I have heard the story and because I am committed to using my health to battle illness, I did something crazy and unpredictable. I, an inexperienced cyclist who had never met any of these people in real life, asked to be part of Team Collin. I actually didn’t think they would say yes, but they did. They taught me about bikes and cycling. They taught me about relationships, compassion, and life. They helped me find my voice as a strong, confident, independent woman. They have helped me change my life.

Then one day, I got my team kit. The first time I rode with it on, I realized the riding was different. I was more confident and I pushed myself harder I would fearlessly try things that had scared me in the past. It was like the kit gave me superhero powers. I didn’t question it, I just wore it hoping to generate interest and support for Team Collin.

Today, as I got dressed, I really let myself think about how differently I felt and rode when I put the kit on. My lack of motivation for riding disappeared. I donned the rest of my gear and hit the road, in a strange place that I have never ridden before, unafraid. I am always more careful to ride with good etiquette when I am wearing the kit because I want to always be promoting the sport of cycling in a way that would honor Collin. I always push myself harder because I want any who sees me in that kit to see me giving my best, in honor of Collin. I think of my teammates, who give of their time to ride this event every year, who come from all over the country at great personal expense, and I want to ride well for them, in honor of Collin.

As I was riding and realizing all that this morning, a thought hit me: Why do I wait to put on the kit to face my life unafraid? Why can’t I use the lesson that Collin has taught me over the last year as a member of Team Collin and participant of the Lounge, to live fully every day of my life? And I realized that I am doing just that. This little boy who didn’t have a chance to grow up and learn how to ride inspires me to ride every day. His memory gives me courage to be the woman I want to be and to live my best life. When I am faced with new experiences or strange situations where I am out of my comfort zone, I ask myself, what would Collin tell me to do? I think he would say to go for it, live life every day fully in each moment, it might be the only moment you have.

Thank you for giving me courage Collin, I know your spirit rides with me every day.

Walking with the Raven

Posted on June 17, 2013 by rangotti

I flunked therapy…not the class, the actual experience of psychotherapy. Yes, that is right, I am too crazy for the mental health community to “help”. Today, I am going to give you a clear glimpse into my “crazy”.

I traveled from Seattle, stopping in Oregon then Nevada and down to California to visit Yosemite. I spent a couple of days of camping and cycling. Then I drove through Utah, spending some time at Great Basin National Park, before heading to Moab and doing some desert hiking and then to Colorado. I cycled in all of those states and I am getting more comfortable riding in new places by myself.

Cycling near Moab. Colorado River

I am starting to look forward to heading to Europe and even considering taking my bike when I head off to Africa to work.

Home sweet home

I also am getting more comfortable camping by myself in unfamiliar places and, in general, with the whole experience of living a very minimalist life. I am becoming pretty good at setting up and taking down my tent, I have had my first bear experience, my first injury by myself when I cut my foot pretty badly, and have been challenged by laundry, disorganization, and lack of electricity. My grooming has suffered and I am looking like the dirty filthy hippie I think I am. I seriously could use a spa day and some waxing. But that isn’t why I am crazy. Now I just look as crazy on the outside as I am on the inside.

What makes me crazy is how I see the world around me around me. In the last two weeks as I have traveled through six states and three national parks, I have seen some of the most amazing sights my eyes could have ever looked upon. Truly, I live in a wondrous land.

Ships made of stone

I have seen ships made of stone sailing on a sea of sagebrush. I have seen stone sentinels, guardians of the ancient places where men long dead once walked. I look in awe at stone monuments which allow me to understand how fleeting my time is upon this earth. I feel the magic in these ancient places.

Sentinels

I have seen the bones of creatures long dead and pots made by women who gave birth and raised children in caves that could only be reached by rope ladders hanging hundreds of feet above the ground. Can you imagine raising a two year old in a cave 200 feet above the ground, with no baby gates, and the only way out is up a treacherous rope ladder to the top of a mesa? The only thought to why they would do that would have been protection, safety. I allow myself to imagine the fear that it must have taken to drive these people to live in such a dangerous place. These are a people who have long been gone from this earth, leaving no history except for broken clay pottery and crumbling ruins of caves. We use their artifacts to recreate what we believe their lives were like. Will someone do that with our plasticware and ruins of skyscrapers?

I am crazy because I look around the world and I see the textures of the land. I see the contrasts in colors. I see beauty everywhere. I believe you can find beautiful things even in the most “ugly” of places or people. I see a land of valleys so vast they seem to be endless…the mountains that bound them so distant as to seem a mirage. The mountains that ring those valleys are so high they are like great stone ramparts cast before the distant sky. When you climb them, the decrease in oxygen is noticeable, your head hurts and your actions, even simple steps, take more effort.

There are barren valleys filled with salt, a world so harsh and desolate that it is amazing that anything can survive.

Yet everywhere you look, there are living organisms, creatures that eek out life in the harshest of conditions. There is cactus, sagebrush, tumbleweeds, lizards, snakes, birds of all kinds. And there are ravens.

When I was a younger, I had a rough time and was pretty messed up for a while. I had several Native American friends. One of them said to me at one time that I would never find my true spirit until I walked with the Raven. Whether that was said in a drug induced marijuana haze or if he really had a vision for my life, I don’t know. I only know that I have long had an affinity for corvids and on this trip, everywhere I have gone, every time I have had a powerful physical or emotional experience, it had been punctuated by the presence of a raven. Crazy huh? That is a hard thing to admit. Here I am trying to do some pre-sabbatical solo cross country cycling/camping trip as a warm up for heading off into Europe and Africa. I really am out of my mind.

I believe there is more to life than what we can see and hear and touch. Isn’t that what faith is? Believing in the unseen? Trust is another one of those things that isn’t tangible, yet we do it anyway. So every time I see a raven, I think of the prophecy. Who am I to say that it is too fanciful to be real? I am beginning to believe this trip is really what my friend was talking about.

At this time in my life, I am dependent on no one. This time, I walk freely with the metaphorical Raven, learning, growing, feeling, allowing myself to just BE. I am struggling to define my new place in the world as a single woman, an academic, a writer, a grandmother, a cyclist, and a traveler. Crazy.

And sometimes we struggle…

Posted on June 14, 2013 by rangotti

It has been two weeks now since I gave up my apartment and a week since I left Seattle. I have to admit, my training is suffering. It is hard to plan for cycling and hiking when I also have to figure out where to stay, how to get a shower after training without paying the price for a hotel, how to protect my gear in the car when I am on the bike and protect the bike when I am hiking, and where I will get my next meal from. In the last two weeks, I have slept on couches and in spare rooms and lived off the generosity of my friends. Other nights I have camped or stayed in hotels when I needed a shower and a real bed. I have eaten at restaurants way too much for my budget. Preparing healthy food is challenge without a refrigerator.

The thing about going camping or on holiday is that we have someplace to return to. We pack all the supplies we need based on that fact. If there are leftovers, we can just put them away in the fridge when we get home. We know that when we are tired of the fun of camping that we can go home, put the gear away, soak in the tub, make a healthy dinner, and just lay around on the couch writing a blog post. I am feeling the lack of that right now. I know it will get easier, but yesterday I was struggling so I got a hotel room thinking that would help and when I woke up this morning I realized it didn’t. I just need to fight through it, maybe have a good cry, and then get on my bike and ride, whether there is a shower following it or not. Yet here I am watching the sunrise over Moab realizing I should get my bike gear on and all I can think of is that my hair smells so good for the first time in 3 days, I just don’t want to get sweaty.

There are so many things we take for granted in life. Well, maybe you don’t take them for granted, but I certainly did. Things like hot showers, refrigeration, WiFi, friends, and relative safety. Right now, I want about 3 days of it. Someplace that I can just make dinner, get caught up on work, not feel like a burden to others, a place where I can get up and ride and go hiking and come back and shower. A place where I can feel safe for a few days.

But that isn’t where my life is right now and only I can struggle through it. I chose the path I am walking and I do not regret it. I have seen the most amazing things, met fantastic people, and know I am already becoming a different person. Somehow, I have to figure out how to live on the road, yet eat healthy and get my training time in every day and get some work done in the process. There has to be a way…I just need to find it.

It is funny, I started this blog because people asked me to, blogging is not the technical academic writing that is my comfort zone. But the blog itself has become magic. I start out writing that I am struggling, thinking that this will be a depressing post, and by the end of the post, I realize that I am ready to face the challenge. Whether anyone reads this or not, it has benefited me to write it.

So here is what I am going to do…as soon as the sun it up, I am going to get on the bike and ride a short route down by the river that will put me back at the hotel in time to shower. And then I am going to reorganize the car. After two weeks, I think I am realizing what I need and what I don’t. I think that will help. Then to the grocery store for some healthy food and off to see some incredible national parks for some camping and hiking. I might get to Colorado by Sunday.

Life Divided by Zero

The Journey of Becoming Undefined

Category Archives: Musings