Letter to my older self…

Posted on February 5, 2014 by rangotti

So many people asked me to do this that I had to comply. Last week, I wrote a letter to my younger 25 year old self of things I would want her to know from what I have learned over the last couple of decades. A lot of people asked me to do the same with my older self, that is, what I would want my older self to know. Since I am 50, I decided to write a letter to my 70 year old self. I have to admit, I struggled with this one more than the last letter. Thinking about being 70 and entering the last couple of decades of life is harder than looking back and imparting wisdom on a younger Robin with a future stretching before her. I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of getting old. When I get old and outlive my usefulness, I want to have the capacity to walk off into the wilderness where I can look up into the mountains that I love and just die. No fuss, no fanfare. Just the natural end of a life well lived.

Robin,

Wow, you’ve made it to 70. There have been many times in your life that you didn’t think you would ever see this day. Yet here you are. Hopefully, you have taken care of your health and are still active. Finally, you get to have that discounted ski pass at Stevens!!! Woot!! You’ve been waiting for that for 25 years. I hope you are still active enough to enjoy it. I hope you are skiing every weekday and get at least 50 days in.

Retirement finally came for you two years ago. I hope you stayed on track to have at least a million dollars in your retirement account. It will suck if you didn’t and you have to eat cat food to survive. My hope is that you learned from the lean years of paying off all that debt incurred during your marriage and have kept saving money. It is okay if people call you fiscally conservative or even if they call you cheap. It still beats having to survive off cat food.

I hope you kept on learning and trying new things and experiences, it is how you stay young. Try not to be like some older people and get too set in your ways. Remember Matt? Remember how much you learned from him all those years ago and the fun that you had? Don’t forget that you can learn a lot about life from people of all ages, so don’t be the old fuddy-duddy who thinks they have all the answers and won’t listen to anyone else, especially younger people. Be open, listen, learn.

And don’t forget, if you are lonely and think no one comes to see you, then get off your ass and go to see them. People want you to care about their interests, they want you to be interested in their lives and what they are passionate about. Go to your grandchildren’s games, graduations, weddings… call them, listen to them, make time for them. Don’t just sit around and bemoan that no one wants to visit with you because if you do, guess what will happen? No one will want to be around you. If you want people to be interested in your life, you have to start by being interested in theirs.

The twin granddaughters are about 23 now, graduated from college. Hopefully, you kept your word and have been taking them on trips every year to show them how big the world is and that you made that same commitment with your other grandchildren you had too. I hope you took them to Nepal, Africa, Myanmar, South America and let them see some of the remote places of the world. I hope you took them diving, paragliding, cycling, and I really hope you taught them how to ski. A great graduation trip might be a ski trip to the Alps or to Whistler where you can rent a nice apartment and your old lady self can go to bed early and where the grandkids can stay up and party all night. Remember that experiences are worth more than stuff, spend your money and time having experiences with them. It is the best legacy you could leave them.

I hope you are living in a place where it is easy to get around. A nice, one bedroom condo in an urban area. Easy to clean and you can spend your time going to the theater and concerts and have adventures easily. That way you can give up the drivers license and still have your freedom. Give up the driver’s license before you don’t want to, that way it isn’t an issue for your kids having to take it away from you. Make plans for the last years of your life. Pick out the retirement community and assisted living facility you want to be in now. You’ve worked your whole life to take care of your family, take care of them now by making those decisions for yourself while you still can so that you won’t be a burden to them in a few years.

The end of your life is coming. Just like with the rest of your life, you get to choose how you face it. Face it with grace, courage, and dignity. Choose to live your life on your terms, each day giving your best, caring for the people in your life, and remembering how much you are loved. Choose to keep having amazing adventures and always be thankful for how great your life has been. It truly has been an incredible ride.

No regrets, just go enjoy the sunset of your life.

Robin

An elimination diet for your soul…

Posted on January 22, 2014 by rangotti

Have you ever done an elimination diet? It is an extreme diet that people do when they are having digestion problems or allergies and want to isolate what particular foods are causing their distress. The dieter takes their nutrition down to the basics for a few weeks and then add in foods one at a time to see what particular foods are contributing to their physical difficulties. It is really hard, but it make so much sense. How else will they figure out what makes them feel good or bad so they can make adjustments? It is virtually impossible when you are eating all your regular foods to isolate the combinations that are problematic. Before people go to that extreme, they start with a food journal, writing down what they ate and how they feel, but when that doesn’t work, it is time for an elimination diet.

Right now with everything I have done in the past year, I feel like I have been on an elimination diet for my soul and I am finally at the place where I get to add stuff back in, slowly and deliberately with one thing being added in at a time. That way, I get to try it, see how it feels, and decide if it makes me feel good enough to keep in my life. When I got back, I started off too fast, trying to go right back to the life I had. But as Matt reminded me recently, I am not that person anymore. So after Jan 1, I have been being a lot more deliberate in my actions and in the relationships I am cultivating.

So what have I added back?

Skiing: I have been doing a lot of skiing by myself and with just a few very close friends. It has renewed my love for the sound of the snow under my skis, the smell of the mountain air, the breathtaking views, the solitude when I am alone, and just the whole body sensation of flying down a mountain. I love to ski. The last couple of years I allowed myself to get too wrapped up in the social aspect of skiing and needed to step away. It is really a joy to reconnect with the sport I love on its elemental level.

Yesterday, I got my bike ready to ride and I am going to ride either tomorrow or Saturday. The only thing I love as much as skiing is riding my bike. I don’t need to go fast, climb better than anyone else, dress in appropriate attire or any of that stuff that cyclists worry about. Getting caught up in all that made me hate riding my bike. I just love the feeling of being outdoors, braving the weather, feeling like I am one with the machine that is making me fly along, just pure joy coursing through my body as my heart, lungs and legs make me remember that I am alive. It makes me feel like I am a 10 year old. This time, I am going to take the advice of my friend, Cindy and make time for pie at the end of a ride.

Kerry Park view

I have been enjoying going to some of the great places that I love in Seattle, happy hours up on the Hill with Tony, going up to Kerry Park for meditation and reflection, riding the ferries, the beauty of rural Snohomish County, the jaw-dropping views of the Cascades and Olympics, cooking in a real kitchen again, sharing laughter and a meal with my roommate and her daughter, building a fire, chopping and stacking wood, and learning how to knit. These are all things I am keeping.

But it hasn’t been easy. I have struggled and even messed up a few times. The other day, I bought sheets and a blanket. Now I own household stuff again. I have to admit, it was a little traumatizing. It made me feel tied down. I made it worse when I then watched “Into the Wild” for the first time and it made me feel REALLY tied down. I have struggled with trying to work on a grant and a few publications. But mostly, I have struggled when the people who know me from my former life put pressure on me to be the way I was. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to say yes to everyone and allow people to treat me badly just so that I won’t offend anyone or let anyone down. Because ultimately, when I act that way, all I am doing is letting myself down. That has meant culling some relationships that aren’t healthy for me which has hurt people because they don’t understand why I am not just like I used to be. It is hard not having any answers for them of when I will want to do things again, because the honest answer is that I may never want to do some things again.

Olympics and a Washington State ferry in the Puget Sound

Right now, all I know right now is this, I feel better than I ever remember feeling. I am making decisions based on strength and on what I really want to do. My past doesn’t control me, fear doesn’t control me, and my choices are my own. So I guess, the elimination diet for the soul is working so far.

Resolutions…

Posted on December 31, 2013 by rangotti

I have never been a big fan of New Year’s celebrations. I love the idea of spending the night with people you love, but I don’t have to get dressed up, blow noisemakers, and be out with thousands of other people to do that. I prefer intimate gatherings of friends, soft comfy warm clothes, good music, a fireplace, and some nice hot beverages.

New Year’s is just a day, like all the other days in the year. Our calendar date for the new year is arbitrary and there are other cultures that have a different date for the new year. I do, however, like the symbolism of new years as a time of transition. It is out with the old, in with the new. It is a time of renewal.

This idea of transition from one year to the next is why people make resolutions. I am not a big fan of resolutions either although in the past, I have always made them. This year, I am going to try something different. Thanks for the suggestion Deloa!

One problem I see with resolutions, at least for me, is that the resolution adds something I want to do onto my life, but my life is already full. Instead of out with the old, in with the new, my resolutions are add-ons and I have left out the part that I have to take something out. That is, I want to: lose weight, get in shape, spend more time with family, strengthen my relationships, etc. but in order to add something in, what I don’t consider is that I have to first let something go to make space for that new thing. I made resolutions and then six weeks later when I don’t have time for them or they are stressing me out, I drop them. Yet I still keep walking around with the baggage I was carrying in the past year.

So this year, instead of making resolutions, I made two lists. I made a list of things that aren’t working for me anymore and titled it Releasing. Then I made another list of Intentions for the new year of changes I wanted to make in my life. The releasing list has some relationships that aren’t working for me as well as organizations I belonged to that weren’t adding any value to my life, activities that I no longer do but still have gear for, etc. The intention list has the new relationships I want to cultivate, behaviors that I want to adopt, and activities I want to explore. Beside each item on each list I am finding a symbol or a photo that represents each thing. At midnight I am going to take my Releasing list and throw it into the fire, symbolically releasing the things that aren’t working for me, then I am going to throw my Intentions list into the fire and offer it up to the universe.

This might sound a little “out there” but really, is it any worse than making a resolution that I give up six weeks later? In the past, I have found that by putting my intentions, dreams, hopes and desires out to the universe that it opens up the space for it to happen. It doesn’t always happen in the way I had envisioned, but nonetheless, I can create the life I want.

Here is the key…whatever you do, whether it is make a resolution or throw intentions into a fire, you have to believe, really believe, that you are worthy. The energy you give off will come back to you. If you believe that you are worthy of happiness, love, success, abundance, joy…then that is what you will create. But if deep down, you believe something else, then that is the energy that you are giving off and that is the energy that is going to gravitate back to you. So whatever your intentions are, put them out to the universe with your whole heart. In a few weeks, if you aren’t keeping your goals or working toward them, ask yourself if you truly believe you are worthy. And if not, what is it that is holding you back?

“We can either watch life from the sidelines, or actively participate… Either we let self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy prevent us from realizing our potential, or embrace the fact that when we turn our attention away from ourselves, our potential is limitless.” ~Christopher Reeve

Happy New Year!

The life cycle of traditions

Posted on December 22, 2013 by rangotti

Some people, when given a sign, know exactly how to read that sign and what they should do about it. For me, the universe pretty much has to hit me over the head with a sign before I listen and change my course of action or beliefs.

When I was a teenager, I was pretty troubled. An old native American told me that I wouldn’t find my true spirit until I walked with the Raven. I didn’t know what he meant and I spent much of my life trying to decipher those words through the situations and the people around me. What I have realized is that even as a teenager, those words gave me hope. He didn’t tell me that I would never find my spirit, but that it would happen in the future. Hope is what most people need to get through life’s difficulties.

Last summer, I had the opportunity to travel around the country. Everywhere I went, when something transformative happened, there was a Raven there. I couldn’t help but remember the old man’s words. And at the time, it felt like chains were being released, emotional chains. Later in the year, I had the opportunity to go to Nepal and paraglide with Egyptian vultures. When I got back, one of my friends joked with me that my new name was Soars with Eagles. I laughed and made a joke back to him in the manner of friends teasing each other and then forgot about his comment until yesterday.

Photo by Richard A.

I have known I was a different person since I was in Nepal. Traveling changed me a lot. When I got back to Seattle, I was walking through a wooded area to the gym and the Raven story was on my mind. I looked up at one point in my walk and there, about 30 feet from me, was a gorgeous American bald eagle looking at me. He was just sitting in a dead tree and he was staring at me. It was one of those times where the hair on the back of my neck started to stand up and that odd feeling that something special was happening, where my gut was churning with emotion. Finally, after what felt like hours, he spread his wings and flew off.

I have a friend who is a shaman and when I told her about it she said “I think you are entering a new time in your life and the eagle is your guide”. Again, being the scientific linear thinking person that I am, I put it out of my mind. Then yesterday, when my roommate and I were trying to figure out what movie to watch for our solstice celebration (read more below), she said “the only appropriate movie I can think of is Dances with Wolves”. At that moment, all of the signs I just wrote about above converged in my head.

I realized the tradition of the raven was over. As a story, the last chapter of is written, now all I needed to find was a way to close it out. About an hour later, my friends Nick and Sarah called and asked if I wanted to meet for lunch at Black Raven Brewery. Yeah, okay universe, I get it. Nick, Sarah and I shared food and beer and toasted to lots of upcoming adventures we are planning. It was a great symbolic way to put an end to the Raven. But just because a story ends, doesn’t mean the characters in the story stop living, it just means they need to find another story to begin. Our stories, like all the traditions of our lives, have a life cycle.

Everyone has traditions. They are a fundamental part of the structure of the lives of human beings. We have traditions surrounding all of the big events in life: marriage, birth, death, etc. We also have everyday traditions or routines like brushing our teeth or going out for an Americano. And then there are traditions surrounding holidays and special days like birthdays or anniversaries. And then there are faith-based traditions. All of them are important parts of who we are.

Since my divorce, the holidays have been very difficult because those traditions, those foundational structures of my life, were just instantaneously dissolved, there was no closure or slow letting go. Getting older has also ended certain traditions, although through a slower process. My children have their own families now and are spending holidays and creating new traditions with those families just as they should be.

For me, I think that is one of the hardest parts of entering the autumn of my life. I guess like most people, I struggle with things changing. The empty nest syndrome when combined with the loss of your life partner is definitely a time of radical change. And just like any loss, traditions can’t just easily be replaced by something else. It takes closure and time to grieve for their loss before you can start a new tradition and that process has to be respected.

When my kids were younger and I was married, holidays were filled with time spent with my children, extended family, passing around a blessing cup for giving thanks, Christmas lights, caroling, great food, lots of love, homemade pizza, decorating the Christmas tree, stocking stuffer shopping followed by lunch with my ex-husband, and many other wonderful memories. I have missed those traditions, but just like I am finding with many parts of my life, I am ready to move on.

So yesterday, it hit me. I have been trying hard to recreate traditions to replace what has been lost. But just like with a lost pet or loved one, what is lost is gone forever. I have beautiful memories of that time in my life and by trying to totally eradicate them and replace those memories, I am not honoring all the love that is inherent in them. So instead of forgetting, I should try to find a way to honor those memories (skiing on holidays seems to work well for me) and then start wholly new traditions like celebrating the Solstice. I like this idea.

So yesterday, the day of the winter solstice in the northern hemisphere, my new roommate and I had a solstice celebration with tasty food, wassail, a fire and lots of candles to welcome the sun and long days back into the northern hemisphere. And we watched Dances with Wolves. I also took time to honor the planet and to give thanks for all that I have.

I am an incredibly fortunate person. I am thankful for my health, a great job, a loving family, two compassionate and thoughtful children who are in loving long-term relationships, and the most spectacular grandchildren ever. I have a warm home, plenty to eat, a fantastic roommate, caring and supportive friendships, and opportunities to have amazing adventures in my life. I have the best life ever and from now on, I am going to use the solstice to celebrate and give thanks for that life.

The Solstice seemed like an appropriate time to remember the cycles and rhythms of the planet as well as the cycles and rhythms of my life. It seems like a great new tradition has been born, a new life cycle has started. Happy Solstice and welcome winter!

The best kind of guide…

Posted on November 23, 2013 by rangotti

A few years ago, the day after I took my first and only powder skiing lesson and while I was still only a comfortable blue run skier, my friend Matt and I went up to Stevens Pass where, on the first run of the day after a foot of new snow, Matt suggests we go up Seventh Heaven, an ungroomed, black diamond run. Matt, with his usual encouragement says “Robin, you can totally do this, I will stay right beside you the whole time”. We get off the chair at the top, Matt straps his boots into his snowboard and he is gone…I got down that mountain by myself solely for the purpose of wringing his neck when I finally got to the bottom. His response to me, “but you did it, and now you know you can do it again”. I swear I don’t know why I listen to that kid sometimes.

When Matt suggested I come to Nepal, his words were “come to Nepal, I will be your guide. You just get here, I will take care of the rest”. Yeah, I still haven’t learned yet. When I got to Nepal, as typical of the way he “guides” me, he starts off by getting us a bus ride to Pokhara where he asks me, “did you get a hotel room”? Hmmm…. is this part of the “you’ll take care of everything plan?”. Typically, it was like that with everything that happened in the two weeks I was there. The kid had no plan at all… or did he? I joked with him one day and asked exactly what “kind of guide he was” since he pretty left me to figure everything out on my own and to handle all the crises that came up. His answer: “I am the best kind of guide”. I am still trying to figure out whether the boy is a brilliant or just an accidental genius. Either way, once again, it worked.

But it takes coming home to truly realize how far you’ve come. The greatest gift of travel isn’t the adventure, new countries, languages, foods, customs, etc… or all the things that traveling brings. Those are all great but are only part of the real gift of travel. The real gift is returning home, forever changed. I am very proud of where I am at this moment.

So where am I? Physically, I recently returned to my son’s home in North Carolina to spend Thanksgiving (American) with my son and my lovely daughter-in-law and the two most amazing grandchildren ever, Brooklyn and Charlotte.

I have been here less than 48 hours and I am already amazed at how I feel. In the past, when I visited my son, who lives in my former marital home, I was always bombarded with memories and thoughts of how life “should have worked out for me”. I had always expected to be living in this house, happily married to the man I loved, celebrating holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas with our children and grandchildren coming to visit us. I would ride past the university I went to and used to teach for and just be overwhelmed with missing the friends I had, the job I was great at, the life I loved, all of it. I would long for my past life back. I hadn’t realized how much that longing was holding me back until now.

The night I cried to Matt in Nepal, something changed in me. Maybe it was the yoga and meditation or maybe it was the stark conditions of the country and pushing myself through physical difficulty and preserving. Maybe it was the spiritual nature of hiking up to the World Peace Pagoda or up to the top of Sarankot or maybe it was the awe-inspiring site of looking out at the Himalayas which is a sight I will never forget as long as I live. Maybe it happened while I as paragliding with vultures or when I fell off the side of the cliff and was hanging by the vegetation and lost my shoes and had to walk back to my hotel barefoot. Maybe it happened through just overcoming obstacles and crises and realizing that I could face any challenge on my own. Regardless, sometime during that time, something changed.

I knew I felt different when I left Nepal and went to Barcelona, I just didn’t realize how different I was until I came back into the familiar environment in which I spent almost half my life. The familiarity of that world was in stark contrast to the person I have become. Now, I sit in this house and it glows with the energy and vitality of my grandchildren and the love my son and his wife share. I got to meet my ex-husband’s lovely and charming girlfriend and watch them interact with my two beautiful granddaughters who love them dearly. I couldn’t help but feel joy in my heart for all of it, for such a loving and happy family. It is something I never could have imagined over the darkness of the past 6 years.

I look around this place where I used to live. I have appreciated the beautiful changing seasons, the friendliness of the people, the beauty of the campus and know that I hold no attachment to it other than in appreciation of the memories of all the wonderful times I spent here. It was a wonderful place to raise two beautiful, well-adjusted children, and where I had the opportunity for an amazing career teaching high school and the start of my college teaching career. It is a place where I had spectacular friends and experiences, and where I loved and laughed and lived over half of my life.

Life is sweet, all of it, the good and the bad. Because of everything that happened, my beautiful daughter got to finish college, start a great career, and meet her amazing partner Ethan. Everything that happened gave me an opportunity to fall in love with the PNW and all the remarkable treasures that area of the world holds. It gave me the chance to reach down into the most creative part of myself and take risks in my career. It has given me a wealth of new experiences and friends that I never would have otherwise met.

I am more centered, happy, confident, peaceful, and accepting than I have ever been in my whole life. Traveling and returning home has made me that much more aware of how great a gift my life has been.

Namaste

A new day

Posted on October 28, 2013 by rangotti

Port de Sollar, Majorca

I left Mallorca and flew to Madrid. All of a sudden, instead of being surrounded by British, Irish, Scottish, and German tourists, I have been plunged into the heart of Spain where very little English is spoken. In fact, I think I spent the entire day yesterday without hearing English spoken at all. I read Spanish pretty well, as long as I don’t try to open my mouth. The only place I got into trouble was in the supermarket when the clerk was trying to get me to give him a penny to even up my total. He was talking so fast that by the time I figured out what he wanted, he was just giving me my change and was obviously frustrated with me.

Instead of staying in a hotel, I used airbnb.com to find an apartment in central Madrid. Lovely one bedroom overlooking a pedestrian only side street. In the US, many people put shutters on their houses for decoration. In Europe the shutters actually work and serve purposes. They keep the sun out, but more importantly, they are a noise barrier against the street noises. It definitely can get loud at night. Even as I write this at 9 am from my apartment which is technically on the 4^th floor, but actually the 5^th floor and you have to climb 7 flights of stairs to get to it, I can hear the Spanish men who are opening their shops below and they are in a heated discussion about something. I love their passion. They are passionate about everything. It is wonderful.

Poseidon

Yesterday I went to the Prado museum and today went to the Museo Thyssen-Bornemisza. I honestly was so overwhelmed. There was a Velasquez exhibit at the Prado as the temporary collection which was incredible. It was amazing to see this huge body of work from an artist who lived centuries ago. I kept wondering how fast this person painted because he had hundreds of works. And they aren’t small either. There were many paintings that graced the royal palace and took up entire walls. How with the “technology” he had to work with then, such as making his own paints, did he ever have time to paint all that? In the regular collection at the Prado and the MTB hang masterpieces of not only Velasquez but also Goya, Caravaggio, Rembrandt, Botticelli, Monet, Gauguin, Degas and many many more. Works that span 1000 years that were commissioned by kings and churches. Amazing works of art that depict the faces and emotions of people long dead as they faced the common struggles that all humans face.

Rembrandt

That is the thing about great art…it captures that instant of emotion. A scene, even without people, that uses light to give the viewer an image or a second of a glimpse into time, and it takes your breath away. Good photography is the same, it captures pure emotion, either within the faces of the people in the picture or in the hearts of the viewer. Great art just takes the artist longer to capture that essence. They didn’t have digital back in antiquity, they didn’t even have an art store to buy supplies but had to make their own. It took months of scraping canvases, painting and repainting to get it right. Masterpieces.

A House Among the Roses ~Monet

The past two days, I have been honored to stand in the same room with these paintings. I grew up in a middle class household in a small town in rural interior Maine. In my life, I never thought I would be privileged enough to be able to see works of art such these. I think of all the people who will never get to step inside a museum, who might see art from the web or a book, but never have the opportunity to travel to place where their senses are bombarded with piece after piece of some of the most amazing works of art of the planet. And from a photo, there is no way one can grasp the texture of the brushstrokes, or the essence of the painting. I ended up being moved to tears at the privilege of seeing these amazing works with my own eyes.

I am also fortunate to have the experience I get to have. There are so many people who will never get to hear to tolling of bells to greet the day, or hear only a language different from their own spoken, where they have to figure out how to negotiate without words, or try to figure out where they are on a foreign street in an unfamiliar city, to be immersed in a culture that is foreign to realize how much we really are all the same. Human.

Even on streets of Madrid with a different language and culture, emotion comes through unmistakably. Laughter, friendship, joy, grief, sadness, anger…all are displayed everywhere. The love of parent for a child, a young couple newly married, friends meeting for tapas. Unmistakable. Poverty also knows no cultural barriers, beggars, prostitutes, pick-pockets look the same in every culture. Just like great art shows emotion, we can also see it if we just take time to look around at our fellow man. Human beings are fragile, life is to be cherished for the gift that it is.

I am thankful for everything that has happened in my life that has pushed me to this place right now. I am thankful that I had the courage to try again. I truly have the best life ever and I appreciate it every day.

And happy birthday to my wonderful son. I am too young to be the mother of a 32 year old. I love you Patrick.

42 in base 12

Posted on September 23, 2013 by rangotti

I started this blog to document sabbatical and the creation of a new identity as a I move into the final chapter of my life. I am going through the process of detangling myself from the identity which has served my the first 50 years of my life. It is an identity wrapped up in the service of others: wife, mother of dependent children, and teacher. It is an identity couched in the victimization of trauma, trauma that is healed and over and a part of the past. It is time to let that all go. Now it is time to find my place in the world as a strong, confident, independent woman. Yet as I read through many of the posts of this blog, I realized I spend a lot of time writing about the people I love and not as much time writing about myself.

In case you didn’t catch the math from the title of this post, today is my 50th birthday. I have been sad in anticipation of this day, but as usual, the anticipation is the hard part. Now that the day is here, I find I can’t help but be happy. The 50’s are going to be the best decade yet.

Milestone birthdays always make you reflect on the previous decade. My 40’s have been tumultuous to say the least. Up until 43, my life was pretty normal and relatively boring. After 43, it has been one crisis after another. Yet here I sit on the cusp of 50, feeling like I have been through the fires of hell and realizing that the pain I have gone through has produced a well of strength and independence that I will draw on for the next decade. I am a better woman because of everything that has happened to me. I am ready to be the woman I have become. I am ready to embrace a life of abundance. I have abundant resources, energy, health, and love of the most amazing people on the planet. There is nothing holding me back other than myself. It is time for me to get out of my own way.

Who am I? I am an academic, a college professor, a teacher of teachers. I am intelligent and articulate. I am an adventurer, a wanderer, a philosopher. I am compassionate, loving, and warm. I am blunt, outspoken, and opinionated. I am passionate, loyal, and I love deeply. I have an inner beauty that is apparent to anyone who takes the time to know me. I use all my senses and emotions and I look at the world with a sense wonder and magic. I am a woman who is trying to respect her boundaries, to honor herself and her needs while at the same time caring for the needs of others. I love the mountains and nature and I believe in taking care of the planet I ride on. I love to ski, climb, ride, jump off stuff, and to raise my face up to the sky giving thanks for the world around me every day. I am a woman with a sense of life. That is who I am.

So my birthday plans are to be on my bike by 8 am. I want to ride 50 miles, but I will be thankful for as many as I get in. I have been off the bike for quite awhile and I won’t beat myself up if I don’t make 50, I am happy just to be riding along. It is going to rain and I forgot my fender at Matt’s so I will have a brown mud streak up my back, but that is what they make washing machines for. After my ride, a nice hot shower, lunch, and then doing some work this afternoon followed by a quiet dinner with Tony, Ken, and Marisa. It is going to be a lovely day.

Cheers to the next decade. ~Robin

A country with a soul

Posted on September 7, 2013 by rangotti

Today was one of those perfect Northern African days. It has been the rainy season here so it has rained every day. Not just Seattle drizzle rain, but a true soaking deluge kind of rain. Every…single…day. It makes the poorly built and incomplete roads into quagmires of mud, potholes, and huge puddles. The rainy season is coming to an end and the weather should begin to be perfect like it was today, mid 70 F and sunny with no humidity.

I was going to post earlier, but each time got my post finished, the power went out so I gave up and went for a walk in the village near my apartment with my friend Jen. What I love most about this place are the Ethiopian people. They show amazing resiliency, courage, and an absolute undefeatable spirit. This spirit is what helped them rout every attempt by Europeans to colonize them. They are a proud people and they love their country.

Every morning, I go running. Ethiopian runners are a source of national pride. The route I run takes me on a road where many people run each morning. Today I actually saw a group exercising in the median of the road. While I am running, the Ethiopians will cheer me on. They call out “good job”, like I am doing something great, when all I am doing is jogging for exercise. There is one part of my run that takes me parallel to a government housing project. Each day a little boy, maybe 10 years old, comes out and jogs with me down the road, grinning from ear to ear. He is adorable. He says good morning to me and then says “sport”. When he leaves me he said Ciao and I know I will see him tomorrow. You can tell he is proud of Ethiopia’s tradition of running.

Even on our walk to the village, the people smile and say hello or salam. The kids gather and walk with us, wanting us to take their picture. Women invite us for coffee. What I have realized from spending time with Ethiopians of all ages is that it is their culture to care about human beings. They take their time, they listen to you. They FEEL, they truly feel compassion with their hearts, and it isn’t just superficial bull. Ethiopia is a country with a soul.

PS. Between writing and posting, Ethiopia just won a soccer match against Central African Republic and for the first time, qualified for the World Cup. It is partying and chaos on the street. What a wonderful celebration of national pride.

These aren’t filtered yet, I haven’t had time to go through them, but they are the ones I took today http://sdrv.ms/19u2kms

Things that are important..

Posted on July 22, 2013 by rangotti

Charlotte & Brooklyn

I have two beautiful twin granddaughters, Brooklyn and Charlotte. They are the most amazing children ever (spoken like a true grandmother). They are intelligent, inquisitive and involved with the world and people around them. As I have been getting ready to go to Africa, it had been weighing very heavily on my mind that I would not see them again until the holidays. They are growing so fast and I am missing so much of their lives.

So I made a decision. Even though I wanted to hike Kilimanjaro and had paid for the excursion, I want to use the time to go for a visit to two of the most important people in my life. So I am choosing to give up my trip to visit with my family. My daughter and her new boyfriend are going to join me so my whole family will be together.

It is the right decision, I would have been hiking Kili and not been able to get to Ethiopia until the day before school starts. This way, I will get there a couple of weeks early and be able to settle in, write lesson plans and get ready for school to start. And I get to spend a few days with those beautiful girls before I leave.

I have been overwhelmed with details of getting my stuff together, deciding what to take and what to leave behind, knowing that I really have no place to leave anything since I don’t have a house anymore. I am really having to think carefully about everything that comes with me. I want to have enough room in my luggage to bring school supplies and things that I might need for my classroom.

I have to admit, I have been struggling with it both emotionally and physically. The stress is getting to me. It has made it hard to write this blog and be positive. I make it harder because I expect a lot out of myself and I expect to be handling everything perfectly. Not only have I not been doing it perfectly, I have pretty much sucked at how I have handled stuff so far. From procrastinating on details that need to be taken care of to avoidance of the emotion of leaving, I have been making a lot of mistakes.

When something is right though, the universe will make it happen despite my attempts to derail it. Everything is falling into place. Visas have been arranged, travel is straight, vaccinations are finished, even the packing will get done. Because I had already culled my possessions when I moved out of my house, there isn’t a lot to go through now, so it really won’t be as hard as I am making it out to be in my mind. And I know that soon, I will be on a plane going to the birthplace of humanity and the soul of the world. I am excited, anxious, happy, and terrified all at the same time.

“I stuck” ~Brooklyn

Posted on May 12, 2013 by rangotti

spring-17

That is my two year old granddaughter’s favorite thing to say, “I stuck”. She will say it whether she is really stuck or not.

Sabbatical…a whole year off from work to stretch my creativity, travel, and explore some of the things I have never had time to do in life. A grand adventure, giving up all your worldly goods and just going with no agenda, no plans, just going wherever the whim strikes you. Everyone tells me they are jealous and that they wish they could do it. So why aren’t they?

Because it is damn hard that is why.

Amazingly, I am handling the fear of the unknown pretty well and the ambiguity of it all. My struggle has come in feelings of worthiness. What did I do to earn this amazing opportunity? And it seems like daily, some other wonderful thing is heaped onto me…adding to my guilt about it all and miring me in my inability to embrace it fully.

I am a person who has spent my whole life fighting for everything I have. From being on welfare as an unwed teenage mother to putting myself through college and becoming a tax-paying member of society, I have fought this uphill battle from a place of never having or “being” enough. My whole life has been focused toward overcoming obstacles. So now that there aren’t any obstacles, I am stuck.

I guess it is about abundance. All my life has been life from a deficit and all of a sudden, I have an abundance of everything. My life is mine to choose what to do and where to go. I was blessed with intelligence, tenacity, a small amount of courage, and compassion. I have my health, a great job, and people who love me. I can do anything I want. And that is why I am stuck.

For me, I know how to live a life of scarcity, it is easy to walk that road, it is harder to accept that I have these opportunities and to not feel guilty like I haven’t done anything to deserve them. Or even worse, that I am not worthy of having things work out well for me. I am struggling with accepting a life of abundance and embracing it. “I stuck”.

Life Divided by Zero

The Journey of Becoming Undefined

Tag Archives: abundance