Tag Archives: friendships

That was when I lived in a morgue…

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Of all the stories I expected to hear on my story collecting adventure, the words “I lived in a morgue” probably never made my list. But my friend Keri did, in fact, live in a morgue and even has some incredible pictures to prove it. In the midst of a casual conversation the other night, she uttered the words “when I lived in the morgue”…say WHAT?  When prompted for the story, she revealed that she and several other ski instructors lived there together when they were working in Garmisch, Germany. She dragged our her old photo album and told the story as we scrolled through her awesome pictures that showed a bunch of twenty-somethings living it up in this funky place with a half-moon shaped area where at one time bodies were viewed, a kitchen that had once been where embalming happened and had no counter space at all because of that, and Keri’s bedroom which had previously been where the crematorium ovens were located.  There were also some underground tunnels from the old hospital to the morgue that were built during the war so that the German public wouldn’t know how many men were dying in the war.  It was kind of freaky, but they had some incredible parties in that “house”.  Halloween must have been awesome.

It is funny because I have known Keri for the last seven years but did not know that about her. What made that story even more interesting is Keri herself.  Of all the people I know who might have uttered the words “I lived in a morgue”, she would have been the last person I would have expected. Keri is one of the most amazingly even keeled and centered people I have ever met.  Yet, in hindsight, maybe it isn’t so surprising after all.  Keri also flows easily in her life taking whatever opportunities that come up with little hesitation.  She lives her life fully every day.  She is a remarkable and courageous person.

One of the things I love about our friendship is how easy it is.  When we haven’t seen each other in a while, we can pick right up where we left off.  We talk to each other about our lives, dreams, fears, joys, and sorrows.  She gives the best advice and I value her wisdom.  She has a way of understanding human interactions that cuts through all the subterfuge. Out of all my friends, she is one of the best at self-care and boundaries.

I have been thinking a lot about relationships this week, both friendships and intimate relationships. I am in the midst of taking a hard look at my relationships and reflecting on the ones that add value to my life and to which I am adding value in return. Great relationships that add significance to my life, like the ones I share with my closest friends, take open communication of both the good and the bad of our lives. These relationships are easy because we are willing to be open and authentic with each other, telling each other our truths while respecting how each feels.  Frankly, I don’t want any other kind of relationships in my life other than easy ones.  Relationships with people who don’t keep their word, lie, use subterfuge, give you the silent treatment, or omit details to try to avoid conflict just take too much effort and energy. Relationships should be easy.

However, I think a mistake that is common in intimate relationships is believing that one person can meet all our needs. It is impossible for one person to meet all our needs and it would be a huge burden on any one person to try to accomplish that.  Life is enriched by all our relationships not just the intimate ones. Relationships with a variety of people give us perspective from many angles and broaden our understanding of the world around us.. Life becomes rich and full when we embrace all of those various relationships.

As a caveat, it also must be considered that inherent in relationships is a measure of risk.  When we trust others with our vulnerabilities, we stand the risk of being rejected, hurt, used, and taken for granted.  When that happens and a valued relationship ends, it is hard to pick up the threads of trust to try again.  But try we must.  Human beings were not meant to live in isolation from others.  Our relationships bring us wisdom, joy, beauty, poetry, happiness, physical comfort, sorrow, grief, and the whole range of human emotions.  Through those relationships we find strength and comfort when the problems of the world rise around us.  It is also through those relationships that we grow and reach our fullest potential.  Without them, we die, maybe not all at once, but our soul dies day by isolating day.  And we live in our own private morgue, not one that has a bunch of fellow ski instructors who are full of life, but in the shells of our bodies going through the motions of life.

My Life Divided by Zero advice for this week is to collect a story, have a conversation with someone, find out a really interesting fact that you didn’t previously know and tell them something about you in return. Risk, trust, open up and be vulnerable to someone.  You might get hurt, but at least you will be alive. And you will probably come away with a great story to tell.  And that is what our lives are…a collection of stories.

The 8 boxes…

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Yesterday, I unpacked my suitcase for the first time since May.  It was bittersweet, I hadn’t expected the mix of emotions it would bring.  As I unpacked and put my stuff away in a new house, new room, I couldn’t help but remember my last apartment and the last time my clothes hung in a closet. I was a little overwhelmed by all the changes.

I think that not having a home to come back to made my time travelling both physically simple yet emotionally challenging at the same time.  Travelling and knowing you have a familiar and comfortable place to come back to is very different from returning home to the unknown of having to find a place to live.  Add on the fact that I gave up all my stuff, an act which was both freeing and yet again, ridiculously challenging emotionally, and it made coming home and unpacking my clothes this surreal experience.  And yes, I found a great house and a super roommate.  Now I just have to adjust to a totally new life.

For those of you that haven’t read the back story, when I gave up my apartment in May and then started traveling in June, rather than put things in storage for a year, I reduced all of my possessions from the last 50 years of my life to 8 boxes, my checked bag of clothes and a carry on, and some gear stored at a friends house (thanks Jason!).  It was the hardest thing I have ever done. At least, it was the hardest thing I have ever done…until now.

heartYesterday, I opened one of the 8 boxes. I had thought that it would be a fun adventure to see what I had saved.  Instead, it felt more like opening Pandora’s Box.  The box I happened to open had pictures of my kids, a wood bowl that my uncle made, a ceramic heart that my daughter made when she was in elementary school, a box my son brought back from Australia when he was a teenager.  Similar to the experience of hanging my clothes in the closet, it was like a blast of memories rising up out of the cardboard.  I took out the big pieces and set them on a shelf in my room and then closed the box without going through the pictures.  I didn’t open the other boxes yet.

Today, my roommate and I are going to put up a Christmas tree.  I took out the two boxes of ornaments that I had saved.  Everyone that knows me, knows how much I used to love the spirit of Christmas.  Those ornaments represent 50 years of family holiday memories.  I have to admit, I am not sure I can open the boxes.

So what is my problem?  I had this amazing experience over the past 6 months.  I am a different person.  I shed the memories of the past and stepped into my present and hopefully my future.  I am happy and moving on. The problem is, I don’t want to go back to revisit the past at all, I want to avoid thinking about it and just continue on with my happy life. It isn’t that I want to erase it or forget it, it is all part of what made me who I am.  I just want to keep moving forward.  But there is one thing I know for certain, when something feels difficult and I don’t want to do it, that is the very thing that I need to do the most.  The hard things show me what I still need to work on.  Hmm it might be time for some brutal honesty here Robin. I hate it when I have to really reach inside for the hard emotional stuff. Okay here goes…

So I am looking at those boxes and part of me wishes I hadn’t saved anything… and that feels like a betrayal to all the people who gave things to me. For example, in one of those packing crates are the Shaker boxes that my dad made me before he died and I should feel excited to open them up.  But instead, I am torn.  On one hand, I have these possessions that have memories of the people I love attached to them, possessions like Shaker boxes and ceramic hearts from people like my dad or my kids.  On the other hand, I have the memories and the love of the people, I don’t need “stuff” to feel that. In fact, somehow the “stuff” diminishes from that love.  I guess what is confusing me is that, in the last 6 months, I have felt the love of the people in my life in a really powerful way and that couldn’t have happened with possessions detracting and getting in the way.

I guess when all the possessions in my life had been stripped away and all I had was the love of my family and friends, my whole life was just clearer and uncluttered.  The love I experienced over the last half year felt like the pure essence of what we are as human beings.  I want to make sure that I don’t lose that feeling in the trappings of “stuff” again. That is really what I am scared of.  Because material things, even handmade Shaker boxes made with love from my dad, can never replace the time spent with the people I love and who love me.  So even though I have those boxes, they aren’t more valuable than all the memories or the time I spent with my dad when he was alive.  The mementos and things I have from my children aren’t anything compared to the time I have spent with them and the love that we share.

I guess I have come to understand how much of a distraction all the stuff we have really is.  Obtaining and caring for possessions, working to pay for them, using them to substitute for emotions, buying things to fill voids in our lives, all those things distract us from what is really important in life which is loving the people in our lives and spending time with them. That is the greatest lesson I have learned and I never want to forget it again.  That is what I don’t want to go back to.  Ever.

So I guess I am scared that opening those boxes and reattaching to things will distract me from putting my emphasis on people. Today, opening those ornaments, is going to be a challenge, but I have to do it. Avoidance is never a solution.  I just need to breathe, stay present, be aware and I can totally do this.

Saying thank you

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When I was mired in my life-altering changes of moving 3000 miles away from my support system and getting divorced, I found keeping a “thank-you” journal useful in helping me see the world from a positive perspective rather than succumbing to negative thoughts.  At the end of every day, I would write down 5 things I was thankful for.  It was difficult when I first started but as I kept up the habit, I found that I would be mindful about things throughout the day that I was thankful for so that I had 5 things to write in my journal at night. It helped me to learn to be thankful for the small everyday moments that I sometimes took for granted.

Recently, I had the privilege and pleasure of visiting with my friend Marvin and his lovely wife Naomi in Boston.  Marvin is one of my imaginary internet friends from my cycling forum and a teammate from Team Collin.  bootyI am always thankful for my internet friends and don’t tell them enough what they mean to me.  They are men and women who have encouraged me, listened to me cry (virtually), stuck with me during the dark times, and helped me become the woman I am. Just like with any large group, you become closer to some people than you are to others.  Those I am close to, I trust without question.  Marvin is one of those people.  He has stood by me even when I have tried to push away his friendship, listened with unconditional acceptance, given me fantastic advice, made me laugh, and is one of those rare people of impeccable integrity and honor.  His lovely wife is just as amazing, intelligent, thoughtful and accepting as he is and I felt honored to finally meet her and get to know her.  She is as fabulous as he has described.

Marvin and Naomi let me stay at their home and showed me the depth of their loving hospitality and I hope to return the favor someday when they come to Seattle. We had great conversations and fantastic food.  Although I am a hopeless insomniac, I felt so comfortable at their home, I slept better than I have since I visited Len and Ella (also imaginary internet friends) last summer.  I can’t thank them enough for all that they gave me.

Marvin and my other internet friends remind me of my brothers who are also men of incredible honor and integrity just like our dad was, it was how we were raised.  I am currently staying at the home of my brother Rod and my beautiful sister-in-law Ada.  Again, they have offered me their hospitality, warmth, acceptance and love.  I can’t thank them enough.  My sister-in-law also happens to be the best massage therapist I have ever had.  She has such a depth of knowledge of her craft and can reduce me to feeling like an unraveled mitten in no time.  Total bliss.  Thanks Ada!

Aside from being blessed by their generosity, because I visited them back-to-back, I noticed the similarities in both Marvin & Naomi’s relationship and Rod & Ada’s.  I was thankful to have the opportunity to watch both of these long term couples interact and it has given me insight into my relationships. There are few key elements in their relationships and the way they treat each other that stood out to me. In no particular order, these include respect, laughter, affection, appreciation/value, and trust:

  1. Respect.  Whether it is choosing a movie for date night or supporting the other in going back to get a massage therapy license, each of these two couples respected their partner’s opinion. There was no competition, no belittling, just an acceptance of the other as an equal being worthy of respect and working together as a team.
  2. Laughter. They tease each other, laugh at each other’s foibles, and they know that the teasing from their partner is with love and free of malice.  They have fun together.
  3. Affection.  They hold hands, look into each other’s eyes, stop to hug each other. There is a communication between them that requires no words. Daily intimacy is key in keeping their relationships alive.
  4. Appreciation and value.  They appreciate what the other does and value what they bring to their lives.  Whether it is making dinner, doing laundry, giving a massage, allowing an out-of-town friend or relative to come visit, … whatever. Each partner, without the other present, would talk about how much they appreciate their mate, how being with them makes their lives better, and what a good person he/she is.
  5. Trust.  They trust each other with a tangible, fundamental trust that can’t be described.  It is the backbone of their healthy relationships.

There are more intangibles that I can’t describe, these couples have been together for a long time, but those are the things that really struck me.  And their relationships hold a mirror up for me for all my relationships, not just romantic ones.  The people I keep in my life are people I respect and who show me respect in return. They are people who I can laugh and have fun with.  They are people that give affection and who appreciate and value what I bring to their lives and in whom I value in return and who outwardly show that value and appreciation.  They are people I can trust. Those things are all necessary elements of healthy relationships.

Reflecting on that made me feel pretty good about the relationships I have been cultivating. For a long time, I felt I had to be liked by everyone.  I put everyone’s needs ahead of my own and would keep giving my heart to relationships with people that really weren’t into having a reciprocal relationship with me. That mentality allowed me to be taken advantage of in some pretty extreme ways.  Now, basking in the love of the healthy relationships I have, it is easy to see how much my current relationships enrich my life and how destructive those former relationships were.

So thank you to Marvin & Naomi and Rod & Ada for allowing me to glimpse your lives.  And thank you to all my wonderful friends and family. I appreciate you.  You all add tremendous value to my life.

You just jump…

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I have written about this before but after talking with some wonderful new old friends last night, I figured it was worth another post.  Fear is the great equalizer.

There is a great quote, “the only thing you have to fear is fear itself”.  That is so true, my adventures have helped me to realize that  whatever it is I am scared of in life, the “thing” isn’t the scary part, it is my fear of the thing.  And if I can push myself through whatever I am afraid of then I own it, it doesn’t own me anymore.

So many of my readers of this blog think I am this adventurous, courageous, kick-ass person.  I want to make sure you all realize, I am a chubby, average, plain person. I am scared of the most ridiculous things just like everyone else is.  The one difference is that I have reached a point where I refuse to let the fear of those things rule my life. My friend Tony once described how I face fears. He said, “It is like you are climbing the ladder on the high dive.  You complain and whine the whole way up about how you can’t do it.  Then when you get to the top, with no fanfare, no agonizing… you just jump”.  And that pretty much describes it.  The initial whining and complaining is how I work my way though my fear and then, about the time my friends are ready to strangle me, I say “screw it” and just do it.

My friend Don4 once said “life is a gift, live it”.  You can’t let fear rule your one ride on this planet.  You have to live each day as if it were a gift and honor that gift to its fullest potential. When I was 44 and had just moved to Seattle, newly separated from a marriage that lasted over half my life and struggling to figure out what to do, my brother Rod said something to me that I remind myself of everyday.  He said “Robin, you’ve got 30 more years.  If there is something you want to do, you need to do it now, because when you are 74 you aren’t going to want to be whitewater kayaking or riding a mountain bike.  You can either be like our mother who is constantly complaining about all she didn’t get to do and wishes she had or you can be talking about all the adventures that you did do”.  Those words have stuck with me.  Now at 50, I have 25 more years to get it done.  I don’t have time to waste on fear holding me back.

IMG_3661Last night, I did something that was really scary.  I went to a party with some people I hadn’t seen in 34 years since I left the small town I grew up in.  Let me tell you, high school isn’t for everyone and it definitely wasn’t for me. I think, out of a graduating class of about 120, my class rank was in the 80’s.  I didn’t put a whole lot of effort into being anything but a screw up.  So there wasn’t really any reason that these people should accept me at all. And I was terrified.  If I had allowed that fear to control what I did, then I wouldn’t be in Maine right now looking out at the beautiful sunrise over the river and I wouldn’t have had a chance to see my family.  But even more tragically, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to reconnect with some absolutely amazing people that I got to talk to last night. I would have missed lots of laughter, funny glasses, and amazing stories. My only regret was not having time to have really deep conversations with all of them.

IMG_3659The people I got to spend the most time with were simply amazing.  They are people of passion, they love their jobs, their families, and their communities.  They have so much heart and compassion for the people and the world around them.  They work hard and they play hard.  They live their lives in ways that suck the marrow right out of the bones of life, no holes barred, open, authentic and absolutely wonderful.  I couldn’t help but just be honored to be able to talk to them all. Thanks Kirk for the invite, it was a privilege to be able to see you all once again.

The lesson here for anyone that needs it… just jump.  Do whatever you need to get up the ladder of the “fear” high dive:  whine, cry, get angry, whatever you have to do.  But once you reach the top… just jump.  Don’t let fear ruin your opportunity to live your life on your own terms. What is the worst that could happen?  Last night, if I hadn’t liked the party or if someone had said something untoward, I would have just left.  Simple as that.  But if you don’t try, you will never find those people who are meant to be in your life or who are meant to influence your life.

We have to put ourselves out into the world authentically as who we are. Those who want to be part of our lives will gravitate towards us, interested in us. Those who don’t just aren’t interested and that is okay.  Not everyone is going to be interested, just like not everyone is interested in football or knitting.  We all have different preferences.  Why would we want people in our lives that really aren’t interested in the authentic people that we are?  Why would we want people in our lives that we always have to be someone we aren’t just to get them to stay?  Why would we want to waste so much of our precious gift of life and time on this earth in that kind of unhealthy relationship?  Yet we do it all the time.  I am guilty of it also.  I have wasted years on one-sided, unhealthy friendships.

IMG_3667Just put yourself out there.  Go to a restaurant, bring a book, or just sit at the bar and people watch and talk to the bartender.  Go to a park and sit with the sunshine on your face enjoying nature around you.  Take a class, learn someone new, maybe something you are even a little scared to try.  Talk to your classmates, listen to them.  Find the ones you gravitate toward and establish friendships. If they don’t reciprocate, they just weren’t the right person, let it go and move on to the next.

Last night I asked several people my two questions that I like to ask people when I meet them:  1) What do you want me to know about who you are?  and 2) what don’t you want me to know?  The people that can answer both those questions from their heart, risking the vulnerability for me to see inside their passions and their darkest fears, those are the people I gravitate toward.  And last night, they answered my questions with amazing honesty and forthrightness.  And I was honored and blessed to hear their stories. Thanks everyone!

Adventure of the day…

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Sorry for being so absent about writing this blog.  I have been distracted by having adventures with a beautiful set of two-and-a half-year-old twins.

I have mentioned that for a long time I was stuck in longing for my old life back.  Even though I kept plodding along seemingly moving forward with my life, my heart was still wrapped in memories of the past. To those looking from the outside, it might seem like that time of longing was wasted, but it wasn’t.  Everything is a process. For me, letting go of my life took a period of grieving and mourning.  It took me a while to go through that process but it was absolutely necessary to be able to actually move on.  Even when I was mired in that process and it seemed like I was stuck, I have come to realize that I didn’t keep standing still and I am proud of that. I made some mistakes, had some successes, and even though my heart was caught up in another time, I kept moving forward regardless. Or maybe, it was just that my friends kept shoving me forward but either way the result has been the same.  Here I am.

P1080687Today, I am packing to leave my son’s house after a lovely visit with my son and his beautiful wife and the two most amazing grandchildren in the whole world (I might have mentioned that before). Although I am sad to be leaving, this time it isn’t the soul-sucking sadness that it has been in the past where I was pining for my life back. This time, it is different. I know that I will wrap these memories up from this visit and all the love they contain and I will keep them close to my heart while I am living the life I am in right now at this moment, confident that I always have the love of my family. And I know that someday soon, Patrick, Heather, Brooklyn, and Charlotte are going to come to visit me in Seattle and we will make a whole host of new memories.

So I am heading to Boston to visit some friends and play tourist in a city that I have loved since I was a teenager in New England.  Then I am heading to Maine to see my family and to do something that I never ever thought I would do.  I am going to go to a party where I will see all my friends from high school that I haven’t seen in 33 years. I have had a few pangs of trepidation, wondering what to heck I am doing that for, but then I realize it is a great story collecting opportunity. And that is what life is, a collection of stories.

You see, high school isn’t for everyone and it certainly wasn’t a great time for me. Having been the victim of an early sexual assault as a pre-teen, I turned to drugs and alcohol at a very young age because I didn’t know how to handle the emotions of what had happened to me.  My parents went through a difficult divorce, my dad remarried, and I just spiraled out of control. So my memories of high school and my friends memories of me aren’t the greatest. I wasn’t a very nice person.  But here is the thing…I am not that girl anymore.

So I get to go back and meet these people again.  I am a new person and so are they.  We get to laugh and enjoy each other’s company.  I will get to hear their stories of how their lives have evolved; stories of love and loss, joy and heartbreak. I want to listen and understand who they are as people. I want to know what touches their soul.  It is an opportunity to make new friends all over again.  So even with my moments of trepidation, I find that I am really looking forward to the opportunity.  I want to see them with new eyes and an open heart and hopefully, they will be able to look at me the same way.

Then, after spending some time with my extraordinary brothers and their families, I am heading back to Seattle to see my beautiful daughter and her amazing partner Ethan and their new puppy.  I am going to visit with my friends and do some skiing and spend Christmas at Tony and Ken’s beautiful home.  I get to ride my bike and talk math education with Keri. I have to say, I am looking forward to being back in Seattle.

Everything is different.  It is like my life is brand new. Every day is an adventure.

The best kind of guide…

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A few years ago, the day after I took my first and only powder skiing lesson and while I was still only a comfortable blue run skier, my friend Matt and I went up to Stevens Pass where, on the first run of the day after a foot of new snow, Matt suggests we go up Seventh Heaven, an ungroomed, black diamond run.  Matt, with his usual encouragement says “Robin, you can totally do this, I will stay right beside you the whole time”.  We get off the chair at the top, Matt straps his boots into his snowboard and he is gone…I got down that mountain by myself solely for the purpose of wringing his neck when I finally got to the bottom.  His response to me, “but you did it, and now you know you can do it again”.  I swear I don’t know why I listen to that kid sometimes.

When Matt suggested I come to Nepal, his words were “come to Nepal, I will be your guide. You just get here, I will take care of the rest”.  Yeah, I still haven’t learned yet.  When I got to Nepal, as typical of the way he “guides” me, he starts off by getting us a bus ride to Pokhara where he asks me, “did you get a hotel room”?  Hmmm…. is this part of the “you’ll take care of everything plan?”.  Typically, it was like that with everything that happened in the two weeks I was there. The kid had no plan at all… or did he?  I joked with him one day and asked exactly what “kind of guide he was” since he pretty left me to figure everything out on my own and to handle all the crises that came up.  His answer: “I am the best kind of guide”.  I am still trying to figure out whether the boy is a brilliant or just an accidental genius.  Either way, once again, it worked.

But it takes coming home to truly realize how far you’ve come.  The greatest gift of travel isn’t the adventure, new countries, languages, foods, customs, etc… or all the things that traveling brings.  Those are all great but are only part of the real gift of travel.  The real gift is returning home, forever changed.  I am very proud of where I am at this moment.

P1080585So where am I? Physically, I recently returned to my son’s home in North Carolina to spend Thanksgiving (American) with my son and my lovely daughter-in-law and the two most amazing grandchildren ever, Brooklyn and Charlotte.

I have been here less than 48 hours and I am already amazed at how I feel. In the past, when I visited my son, who lives in my former marital home, I was always bombarded with memories and thoughts of how life “should have worked out for me”.  I had always expected to be living in this house, happily married to the man I loved, celebrating holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas with our children and grandchildren coming to visit us. I would ride past the university I went to and used to teach for and just be overwhelmed with missing the friends I had, the job I was great at, the life I loved, all of it.  I would long for my past life back. I hadn’t realized how much that longing was holding me back until now.

The night I cried to Matt in Nepal, something changed in me. Maybe it was the yoga and meditation or maybe it was the stark conditions of the country and pushing myself through physical difficulty and preserving.  red scarfMaybe it was the spiritual nature of hiking up to the World Peace Pagoda or up to the top of Sarankot or maybe it was the awe-inspiring site of looking out at the Himalayas which is a sight I will never forget as long as I live. himalayasMaybe it happened while I as paragliding with vultures or when I fell off the side of the cliff and was hanging by the vegetation and lost my shoes and had to walk back to my hotel barefoot. Maybe it happened through just overcoming obstacles and crises and realizing that I could face any challenge on my own.  Regardless, sometime during that time, something changed.

IMG_3305I knew I felt different when I left Nepal and went to Barcelona, I just didn’t realize how different I was until I came back into the familiar environment in which I spent almost half my life.  The familiarity of that world was in stark contrast to the person I have become. Now, I sit in this house and it glows with the energy and vitality of my grandchildren and the love my son and his wife share.  IMG_3259I got to meet my ex-husband’s lovely and charming girlfriend and watch them interact with my two beautiful granddaughters who love them dearly.  I couldn’t help but feel joy in my heart for all of it, for such a loving and happy family.  It is something I never could have imagined over the darkness of the past 6 years.

I look around this place where I used to live. I have appreciated the beautiful changing seasons, the friendliness of the people, the beauty of the campus and know that I hold no attachment to it other than in appreciation of the memories of all the wonderful times I spent here.  It was a wonderful place to raise two beautiful, well-adjusted children, and where I had the opportunity for an amazing career teaching high school and the start of my college teaching career. It is a place where I had spectacular friends and experiences, and where I loved and laughed and lived over half of my life.

IMG_3318Life is sweet, all of it, the good and the bad.  Because of everything that happened, my beautiful daughter got to finish college, start a great career, and meet her amazing partner Ethan. Everything that happened gave me an opportunity to fall in love with the PNW and all the remarkable treasures that area of the world holds. It gave me the chance to reach down into the most creative part of myself and take risks in my career. It has given me a wealth of new experiences and friends that I never would have otherwise met.

I am more centered, happy, confident, peaceful, and accepting than I have ever been in my whole life. Traveling and returning home has made me that much more aware of how great a gift my life has been.

Namaste

Finding the lesson

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Thanks to Matt (the other one) for the guest blog post. Between the inconsistent internet in Nepal and traveling, I have had trouble keeping up with blogging so I really appreciated him stepping in. I especially want to say to Matt, thank you for speaking from your heart. It is hard to let yourself be vulnerable and write what you feel for the internet to see. It is like exposing your insides. It takes courage and authenticity. You did it very well. If I haven’t said it before, thank you for your support during that time in my life. I am not sure how I would have done it without you. And those were my favorite shorts, btw. I can’t believe I let you talk me into getting rid of them!!!!!

I am not sure what my motivation was for going to Nepal and altering my trip to Spain, I guess I just reacted to an opportunity that presented itself. But whatever the motivation was, I have absolutely no regrets about going. The experience increased my confidence in myself and my ability to handle most situations calmly and without worrying and for that alone, it would have been worth it. To go with no plan and just take life’s experiences as they happened was a very eye opening experience for someone who has always been a planner. It was totally spontaneous and joyful.

This post was going to be about all that I learned in Nepal. Yet just typing that last paragraph made me think about my former marriage. Maybe there is a lesson I am supposed to be learning that I haven’t seen yet. It is interesting, when we went to marriage therapy, my ex and I had to meet with the marriage therapist and we had to tell him our goals for therapy, i.e. what we hoped to get out of it. My ex’s goal was for me to be more spontaneous.  I think this trip shows that I have pretty much reached that goal. My goal was to have a partner, someone who would be honest with me about the good and the bad, letting me help in times of struggle and celebrate his successes in times of joy. Someone who wouldn’t just run away and check out like he did when things were hard, because he was too intimidated by my success to tell me of his troubles. That still holds true of what I want in a partner today. A partnership is about communicating the good and the bad to your mate, letting them see who you are, letting them stand beside you, supporting each other in all things, cheering each other on, encouraging each other. At least that is what a partnership means to me.

After typing all that, I was going to rewrite this post with its intended focus of all the great things I learned from my trip.  It is not quite 5 am here in Barcelona and it is pouring outside, I am a little sick and a little jet-lagged. And it just hit me that it is Nov 17. Five years ago on this day, a judge signed a decree and pronounced me a single woman after being happily married over half my life.

Letting go is hard. That is my lesson for today.

 

Take bigger steps…

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I had that excellent falconry lesson and paragliding experience the other day.  Then I wrote a blog post about how great I was doing and the lessons I was learning.  Well just like with most lessons learned, it isn’t a linear process.

When I was in Spain, totally at rock bottom emotionally, Matt asked how I was doing and, in the absolute honesty he and I share between us, I said “It is one step forward, three steps back”.  His response was “take bigger steps forward”.  He always knows how the right thing to say to make me feel better and to make me laugh.  Then he said “come to Nepal”.  And as with most of his suggestions, he was right.  Nepal has been good for my soul.  I not only feel better physically, I feel stronger emotionally.  But it hasn’t been without challenges.  Here it is has been two steps forward one step back, so at least I am going forward.

Have you ever noticed how powerful words are?  I think it was in my last blog post that I talked about the tape that plays in my head (and every other human beings also).  That tape is made up of things that have been said to me over the course of my life.  From the initial words our parents used to show disapproval of something we said or did, from social groups of teenagers when identity is forming, to cruel words by a random stranger on the street. All of those words become the social norms that tell us we aren’t good enough, skinny enough, athletic enough, pretty enough, etc.  And even more damaging is when we get to the place where we say those words to ourselves.

Words are the most powerful force that human beings possess.  Because of that power, we should be careful what we do with them, both with other people and ourselves.  Ever since I left Ethiopia, I have had the “failure” tape cued up in my head. One of the personal “laws” I have always lived by, that was instilled in me as a child, is never quitting.  When I give someone my loyalty, I will stay with it until the bitter end, even at the expense of myself.  Enforcing boundaries is a constant struggle for me.  So Ethiopia felt like a failure.  It threw me into depression.  To snap out of it, I rushed off to Spain where I had one failure after another, from cycling to ordering tapas.  I kept trying to get out of my head but was pretty much in a death spiral.

So I came to Nepal at Matt’s suggestion.  I made it here, negotiated travel between two foreign countries on my own, had a successful falconry lesson and paragliding session, and was feeling pretty confident and better than I had in weeks. Things were looking up. Then, two things happened.  One was a comment someone made and the other was that I went to yoga.  The comment came from someone behind me while hiking in a group down an embankment into a riverbed. The path was very slippery.  The person in the back, speaking to the person in front of her about the slippery path said “I would hate to have to try to get a tourist out of here if they got hurt.  Can you imagine something happening to someone like Robin?” Ouch.  That started the not athletic, uncoordinated, old lady tape playing in my head.  And of course, about 2 minutes later I slipped and fell on my ass, unhurt.

Then, I went to yoga.  I used to be pretty good at yoga but it is amazing how much a year off of regular practice will do to you. And the yoga here is very different.  The teacher was great and I left the class happy, centered and ready to face the day.  But before the day was out my own judgment of my performance was in full swing.  Matt was leaving the next day for Shirkot so messaged me to ask me what time I wanted to eat dinner.  By then, I was all in my own head and couldn’t even imagine he would want to hang out with an athletically challenged, ugly, fat old lady.  *CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC*.  Dear heavens, sometimes I have to wonder about myself.

So I meet my friend for dinner.  If you haven’t realized it yet, Matt is good at everything he does.  His lovely girlfriend Amanda and I were trying to think of something he isn’t good at and we couldn’t.  He is amazingly athletic, ridiculously smart, not ugly, funny, compassionate, and has to be the most non-judgmental person I have ever known in my whole life.  During dinner, he said I seemed sad. Since I refuse to be anything but honest with him, by the time we ate dinner, I was crying and had told him how pathetic I was.  I had even regressed all the way to hating traveling and wanting to go home and wanting my life back.  I mean, all the way back to before I moved to Washington.  Matt didn’t judge, didn’t roll his eyes, didn’t even crack a smile at how dramatic I was being.  He just let me get all the poison out.  Then he made me laugh and reminded me about the last existential crisis I had when we went skiing one day last year.

Later that evening, nice and emotionally cleansed, I started thinking about all the adventures we have had together.  From kayaking, skiing, paragliding, rock climbing, hiking, camping, riding on a motorcycle in Nepal (YIKES), wine tasting, and a hundred other things.  We have had epic discussions on life, love, family, education, and just about everything you can think of.  And then it hit me.  In all that time, he has never judged me on how much I weigh, how slow I am at learning something like rolling a boat or tying a knot, or criticized any of my opinions of things even when they didn’t agree with his. He has never been frustrated at how slowly I hike or when I need to take a break.  He has never been embarrassed by my physical appearance.  There was the time Matt wanted to go out for brunch after kayaking but I didn’t have a ponytail holder so tried to beg off and he wouldn’t hear of it.  When my hair dried in the sunshine, it was crazy medusa hair.  He looked up at me and said “your hair is so awesome”.  I looked like Albert Einstein.  He has never been anything but encouraging. Here is this person, athletic, smart, funny…and he just wants to hang out and encourages me. He only gets sad when I won’t try.  So if he doesn’t have the “Robin’s not good enough” tape playing in his head, why do I?

So while he has been gone the past couple of days, I took a page from his book.  I decided I would treat myself like Matt treats me. Yesterday, I hiked up to the Peace Pagoda.  The path was moderate, but I was definitely sweating by the time I reached the top.  I just went at my own pace, I didn’t beat myself up about how fast or slow I was going.  Guidebook says it should take about an hour, I made it in 45 minutes with no pressure.  Today, I got up at dawn and hiked up Sarangkot which is about twice as steep and twice as far.  Again, I didn’t beat myself up, just kept hiking and enjoying the moment.  Made it before the clouds set in, took some great pictures and sat up at the top meditating and then wrote in my journal.  I had planned to take a cab down, but it was too beautiful a day so I hiked back down too.  It made me feel so good that tomorrow, after yoga, I am going to do it again.

So for two days now, whenever the tape even starts with what I can’t do, I tell myself to try…just try.  Maybe I can’t do it, but I will do a little more tomorrow until I can. It doesn’t matter how fast I do it or how well. I just have to try.  I am going reprogram my brain with powerful words that don’t allow for fear-based thinking. I am trying to develop an identity that has no place for emotionally poisoning and physically limiting words.

Note:  Not sure why, either wordpress or the network here, but I am not having any success at uploading photos.  I will try to add some tomorrow.

Namaste…

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P1070237Each place I have traveled, I have learned a few words. Namaste is hello and goodbye in Nepali. I traveled from Madrid to Kathmandu where once again, I am immersed in a third world country.  Just like with Ethiopia, it is a country with a soul.  The people are friendly, the country is magical and the feeling I get is like breathing in time itself.  It is a spiritual place.  And it is also a place where the old and traditional is mixed with the new.

Incense burners

Incense burners

I met my friends Matt and Amanda in Kathmandu, where Amanda was getting ready to fly back to the US.  We had time to go to one of the oldest spiritual sites in Nepal, Swayambhu. Matt’s guidebook says that the ancient stupa dates back to the 5th century.

Prayer wheels

Prayer wheels

It is said that an act of worship here carries thirteen billion times more merit than anywhere else.  It is definitely a spiritual place.  There are incense burners that are covered with hundreds of years of drippings of the prayers of pilgrims.

Prayer flags

Prayer flags

After climbing the 365 stairs to the main temple, Buddhist pilgrims make clockwise circumambulations to spin the prayer wheels on the outside.  From the viewpoint at the top of the stairs you can see the whole of Kathmandu.  The prayer flags snap in the wind above your head as you look down from the dizzying height of the staircase you just ascended.

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Matt the Monkey Whisperer

Tourists call the site “The Monkey Temple” because of the wild monkeys that live there. To me, that seems disrespectful once you have experienced the spiritual culture of the place.  But there are monkeys, lots of them.  They swing from the trees and the babies will swing from the prayer flags. They are pretty amusing.  Amanda said that it felt like being in the zoo with no cages.

After dinner and saying goodbye to Amanda, I went back to my hotel room.  Clean, economical hotels can be found for about $20 a night. For around $5 a night (my friend Matt’s price point), you can get budget accommodations. I am not sure what the $200 a night accommodations are like. I am pretty happy with my clean, $20 a night, terraced hotel room with its own bath with has a lake view here in Pokhara.

The next morning Matt and I met at 6:30 for our eight hour bus ride to Pokhara.  Matt looked like hell when he got to my hotel.  Come to find out, he had food poisoning the night before and spent the entire night vomiting.  I know it was a long bus ride for him.

Village child

Village child

Riding on the bus, traveling along the Prithvi Highway, which is the main truck route between Kathmandu and India, is a harrowing experience. The bus travels out of the Kathmandu valley up through the notch in the rim at Thankot and the experience gives the rider sweeping views of the villages, endless hills, rice terraces, and sugar cane, at least what you can see out of a moving bus window. It seems like an endless road of switchbacks, sheer drops and mountains everywhere and crazy traffic.

Prickly cucumbers??

Prickly cucumbers??

Grows wild on the side of the road

Grows wild on the side of the road

The bus stopped at a couple of places where you could purchase breakfast and lunch from roadside vendors that are mainly there to provide daal bhaat (traditional Nepalese dish) or rice to bus travelers and long distance drivers.  The guide book also says these stands provide prostitutes to the long haul drivers also, but I was too worried about Matt to be that aware of my surroundings.  I did however find several items that vendors had that I didn’t recognize and one that I did that was growing wild on the side of the road.

After arriving in Pokhara at about 3 pm yesterday, Matt dropped me off at my hotel where I have a lovely view of the Phewa Tal. Dinner was Indian food on an open patio looking out over the lake, the mountains and the temple at the top of a nearby hill.  Breakfast was muesli with banana curd. I am waiting for Matt to get well to join me for my first taste of daal bhaat which he says he could eat every day and never get tired of it.  I am not sure what I am going to do today, maybe just walk around a lot and buy some flip flops and clothes for warmer weather. I packed for Spain not Nepal. I missed yoga this morning because I was a slug-a-bed. I might rent a bike and ride around a bit or a boat and paddle out on the lake.

paraglidersRight now, I am happy with a book, sitting on the terrace with my milk tea watching the paragliders and the haze try to clear and just being still.  Namaste.

Note:  After writing this I got a call from my friend who, after sleeping for 14 hours is better this morning and going to fly. Yay!  I am glad he is well and hopefully we will get to taste some daal bhaat soon.

Like the layers of an onion…

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I am always amazed when life lets me hear exactly what I need to hear exactly at the moment I need and am ready to hear it. I don’t know why that amazes me because it happens all the time.  For me, it happens when I feel like I have reached the bottom.  Maybe that is the only time in my life that I stop struggling and just let go trying to control everything and just allow myself to BE.  That is when I can hear what I need to hear.

It was funny, I had been stressing about filling up the next two weeks in Andalucía for the last two weeks. Nothing I tried to book worked, from my B&B reservations that got cancelled, to my debit card not working to book my train tickets, etc.  If all those frustrating things hadn’t happened, I would still be miserably stressing over how to fill up my days. Because of my frustration, I lamented that to Matt in a message a few days ago and he said, “come to Nepal” and I said, “if I can work the details out I will”. After all the frustration I had in Spain, I thought there was no way in hell I would be able to organize a trip to Nepal in 3 days, I hadn’t even been able to get a hotel room in Granada. Yet amazingly, all the plans just fell into place, like this was exactly what I was supposed to do at this moment.  Funny how that happens.

Now I sit here, all checked in for tomorrow’s early morning flight.  I have to admit, I am looking forward to seeing my friend even just for a couple of days.

I process things in a cyclical fashion, maybe we all do. It is like a spiral, where I go round and round with an issue, thinking I have got it solved, until it rears its head again. Only when I look at it closely, it isn’t quite the same, it is better than it was, just not finished yet. And it keeps spiraling around and around getting tighter and tighter, kind of like being caught in a whirlpool or a black hole, until all of a sudden, it is actually gone and isn’t an issue anymore.  In this case, my struggle has been with the same old thing that I have been whining about for months, maybe years… my attachment to the past and the way life “should” be.

And then, a couple of days ago, this is what someone told me about my “stuckness”:

Start with what is clogging you up, figure out what isn’t relevant to your life or is harmful to your well-being.  If it is still there, there is a reason.  Find it, learn that reason and then find another way to acquire that need and then get rid of what isn’t relevant. When that thing is out of your life, look again at what is holding you back.  Layer by layer, like the layers of an onion, peel away what is in your life by habit that serves you no purpose, refine what is left so you understand what’s their use. In the end it should get very slim.

Remember you are not letting go of the love or the lessons, only the attachment. Some people need to stay in your life, not because of your need but theirs.  Some people need to go, not because you don’t love them but because they aren’t good for you or you for them. Be gentle but strong, lovingly push them away, send them with good wishes and a prayer but walk away. By giving people their freedom and letting go of things you find your own freedom, even though it is the last thing you planned.

Yeah… that did it.  I felt like I had been shot from a proverbial cannon.  What hit me was that is what I have been doing ever since I started this journey when I started giving up all my stuff.  I have been methodically peeling away all the layers.  With each challenge I have faced, I am more and more exposed to the core of what I am.  There is nothing left to hide behind.  I have finally reached the really, really hard internal attachments that I still cling to.  And basically, I am stuck because I don’t really want to face them. I have been blaming the lack of home and physical possessions, but it isn’t the “stuff”… things like money and furniture… where I am stuck is my story and who I believe I am and the disconnect between that and who I want to be.

I knew this would be the hardest part.  And it is. It makes giving up my physical stuff from my apartment look like it was a walk in the park.  Yikes.  I will say it again, because I personally need the reminder, life is exactly as it should be.