First Class

Posted on August 16, 2013 by rangotti

I fly often enough to be in premier class. That means that I get upgraded from coach to first class whenever there is an open seat but I only pay coach fares. Out of the last 20 legs of trips I have taken, I have been upgraded 15 times. I like boarding early, comfy seats, and larger overhead bins, but the rest of the first class experience feels odd to me. One thing that always surprises me is how quickly the crew is there to meet your needs. That level of service is one huge difference between first class and coach. One of my friends calls first class “princess class”. I guess I am not used to a level of service that makes me feel like a princess.

I also have first class friends. Through their words, time, and care, they make me believe I have value to them. They consistently demonstrate that they believe I am worthy of love and belonging even with all my imperfections. They go on vacation with me, support me emotionally when I have difficult issues to deal with, come to my rescue when I have done something foolish, and believe that I can accomplish great things. But the real key is that they are simply there for me. I am convinced that is what it takes to be a first class friend, just being there for people.

I was thinking that everyone should feel treated like they are first class by someone. Everyone should have someone who is there for them, who meets their needs on some level. But as I allowed myself to think through it, I realized that what I need (and maybe everyone does) is rather than focus on how others treat me, I have to treat myself like I am first class and be that person who is there for me. I should meet my own needs first before I expend all my energy on others.

When I was newly single and trying to redefine my life, I instituted “Friday night date night for one”. I would come home from work, get something special to make for dinner (including dessert) and a nice bottle of wine. I would put some music on, light candles, have a lovely meal and then dance around the living room by myself. I would treat myself like first class all the way on Friday nights. But it was always something “extra”.

Unfortunately, the first class treatment never transferred beyond Friday night. I am not sure why. I guess I got busy with life, trying to be a first class mother, grandmother, colleague, friend, and there just wasn’t any time to treat myself the same way. Maybe I didn’t think I deserved the same treatment I gave everyone else. Whatever the reason, I think that is something I need to change. The next time I am cutting corners on self-care and not striving to meet my own needs before the needs of others, I need to remind myself to upgrade to first class. I need to be first to recognize my value and to demonstrate that I am worthy of love and belonging. I am worthy of being treated as first class.

Today as I sit in my third airport on the way home to visit my kids and granddaughters, when I have only had 2 hours sleep, I realize I am exhausted and without patience. It might be time to practice some of that first class treatment right now.

Loons, Ladders, and Funny Fish

Posted on August 14, 2013 by rangotti

My friend Tony is ending his sabbatical year as I am starting mine. We decided to have one last hurrah together and go on vacation. Since I am leaving for Africa in two weeks and wanted to visit my extended family, Tony came to visit them with me. It has been quite an adventure hiking and kayaking with no internet or cell service at a lakeside cabin deep in the woods of Maine.

One of the things I love the most when I am visiting Maine is the sound of loons. Their haunting call has affected me ever since I was little girl. There is something so poignant and ethereal about the sound that it calls to the most unreachable places in my soul. It always makes me stop and reflect, to slow down and consider what is important in life. There is a loon that is living near my brother’s cabin that believes the local float plane is another loon and a threat to his well-being. So every day, when this particular float plane goes out, the loon will charge toward it in an attempt to get it to go away. So far, the loon hasn’t been successful. When loons feel threatened, either for themselves or their family, they definitely make a ruckus and will do everything they can to fight for survival, including charging at float planes. The phrase “crazy as a loon” comes from their erratic behavior as they ward off potential threats to their well-being. In that, maybe they aren’t so crazy after all. Protecting ourselves and the ones we love is the nature of all beings and many of our choices for survival stem from those very basic instincts.

Our vacation hasn’t just been filled with sleepy little Maine towns, hiking, kayaking, and loon calls. It has also been fraught with danger in the most unexpected places, like inside the cabin. I have been sleeping in the loft. Years ago, the permanent ladder that was constructed for the loft was taken down when the loft was closed in with a ceiling. My brother and sister-in-law took out the ceiling and reverted the space back to a loft. The original loft ladder is no longer there, so my brother uses a regular step-ladder. Unfortunately, that ladder is about a foot and a half short of the actual loft floor. Going up isn’t so bad, but the descent can be treacherous as I found out yesterday morning when I came down with one hand full of a computer and an iPad and only had one hand on the ladder. Sure enough, one rung from the top, the ladder tips to the left as my body goes to the right and I land on the floor after bruising several extremities. Tony, in moment of deep concern for my well-being, says “well at least you landed on your butt so didn’t hurt anything serious”. This morning, my brother hung a sign on the ladder saying “you must be this tall to operate”…haha, very funny guys… I swear between Tony and my brother Rod picking on me, I will be “crazy as a loon” by next week. I can’t blame anyone but myself for the ladder however. I know better than to come down ladder holding an armful of stuff in my hands.

The other big event that happened yesterday was visiting my mother who lives in an assisted living facility that actually was repurposed from the old high school in the town where I grew up. Just walking into that building brought back all the memories of that time in my life and of all the really bad things I did when I was in high school. It felt almost like being assaulted with memories of things I wished I didn’t ever have to remember.

As I was lying in bed last night thinking about all that, my sister-in-law showed me this funny fish that lights up with dots on the inside. It is great night light, very unique and original, just like my sister-in-law herself. I loved it. My brother and sister-in-law are two people who are happy and content with the choices they have made for their lives. They love where they live and are very aware of the world around them and the people in it. I have met so many people in life that are unhappy with their choices. People who constantly complain about where they live, what they do, who they are with…nothing is ever right for them. At times, I have been like that myself. I tend to be unhappy when I think that things have “happened” to me without my having any choice, when I want to blame my misfortune on others without taking personal responsibility for my own actions. I am happy when I believe I have power in my choices and own up to my responsibility for the decisions I make, good and bad. All of those decisions got me to where I am at this moment. If I don’t like where I am, if I am not happy with my relationships, job, city I live…it is in my power to change it.

Three bags and me

Posted on August 9, 2013 by rangotti

At the beginning of the week, I wondered how I was going to get my belongings condensed one last time. I had one checked bag, one carry-on bag and two computer cases. That is one piece too many for my airline. Knowing I was flying out of Seattle on Friday, I dreaded the moment where I would have to figure out what to leave behind. Finally last night, I faced it. I almost allowed myself to justify the $35 for an extra bag and then I remembered all the lessons I have learned over the last few months of culling. I knew there was something in those bags that I didn’t really need.

So I went back to my hotel after a wonderful meal of burritos of complete with homemade tortillas and amazing refried beans (thanks Michelle) and the company of some of the best teachers in eastern Washington and I took everything out of the cases and spread it out on the floor. With each item, I asked myself the same question I asked weeks early when I was moving out of my apartment: Is this item worth taking up the space in one of the 3 remaining cases I was allowing myself? At the end of two hours, I had one checked bag, one carry-on bag, and one computer case. I donated a final bag to the Goodwill this morning.

And then, an amazing thing happened this morning. I woke up, looked at those three cases, realized that by the end of today those cases and myself would all I would have to worry about. By the end of the day, I will be homeless, carless, and on a plane to the east coast. Three bags and me. That is it. Do you know what it felt like? It felt like freedom.

One day, at the beginning of this, just after I had made the decision to give up all my things and reboot my life, I was stressing over everything. Matt said to me, “Robin you are going to feel better really soon. All that stuff is weighing you down.” I have to admit, I didn’t believe him or any of the other people that told me that. Now suddenly, all the things I have been stressing over aren’t making me anxious anymore. I know that it is all going to work out. If I don’t have something I need, I realize that I can make do with what I have, even if it isn’t as convenient. What I have is enough. I am enough.

It sometimes seems like my whole life has been preparing me for this moment.

When I think of it that way, I realize I can’t have any regrets of the difficulties and challenges that have brought me to this place, because I couldn’t be doing this without going through each one of those challenges. And what I am doing is really amazing. Amazing, exciting, and wonderful. I have the best life ever.

I know that there will be challenges over the next year. I am not thinking everything will be sunshine and roses. But those new challenges of the next year will lay the groundwork for the next exciting lesson I will learn that will lead me to the next adventure of my life. And in each one of those adventures, there is a story. Ultimately, just like a quilt, it is a collection stories woven together that make up our lives.

Right now, my life consists of three bags and me.

This action cannot be undone. Are you sure you want to continue?

Posted on August 4, 2013 by rangotti

View of downtown Seattle from Kerry Park

I woke up this morning to the quintessential Seattle summer day. Temperatures in the mid 60s F, no humidity, beautiful blue sky. It is the exact same kind of day as the day I moved here 6 years ago. I spent some time this morning reflecting on that move. Reflecting on what it felt like to leave my (adult) children and family back on the east coast, a job in which I excelled, a community of friends, a beautiful home, a life that I had thought was perfect, and the ruins of my marriage. I didn’t think I would ever be happy again.

Northern Cascades

When I first got to Seattle, all I wanted to do was go back home to a place where I understood the culture, job, everything…I just wanted my old life back, but that couldn’t happen. I couldn’t go back in time, no matter how much I wished things were different. So I struggled to create a life here. I made friends, had some career success, explored new hobbies, and discovered the beauty and majesty of the PNW. I carved a life for myself here and I didn’t realize it until recently when I gave everything up and now am on the precipice of changing it all again.

Liberty Bell Peak

When I woke up this morning, all I could think of is that I don’t want to leave. I want my old apartment back, to go on daily walks with Tony, have coffee with my beautiful daughter, ride my bike, ski with my friends, write papers, go camping, and enjoy the place I live. For the last 6 years, I have only thought of this place as a temporary stopping point, and it has taken giving up everything and getting ready to leave to make me realize how much I actually love it here. I don’t think I would have come to that understanding without having gone through the exercise of leaving.

Commitments have been made however, so there is no backing out now, nor would I want to. I need to finish the “reboot” of my life which has only just begun. Right now, I have deleted the hard drive, now it is time to reinstall and update the software. That is an analogy to the changes that I need to be made so that I can come back to this place from a position of strength and continue the identity formation to become the woman I want to be. I think Africa is going to do that for me. At the very least, it is going to change me.

So leaving today is bittersweet. I will miss this place but at the same time will have a great adventure. The learning, growth, and change that has happened to me in Seattle will happen again in Africa. I have a feeling at the end of next year, when I get ready to leave Africa, I am going to feel the same as I do right now, I won’t want to leave.

Seattle, farewell for now. I leave you with a cheesy movie line… I’ll be back.

All changes are more or less tinged with melancholy, for what we are leaving behind is part of ourselves. ~Amelia Barr

I will have the same thing…

Posted on August 1, 2013 by rangotti

I was reminded yesterday about being careful not to take things and people for granted. I am reasonably good at being thankful for most of the things in my life. However, sometimes I screw up and take for granted the one person who has been steadfastly there for me. I think it is because I trust, without question, that he will be in life, enriching it in so many ways.

Academic job interviews span two days. You give a research presentation, a teaching presentation, and hour long interviews with dozens of people. It is rigorous. However, as long as I am talking about my work, I am comfortable in those settings. I knew in the interview process when I applied for my job in Seattle that the official dinner would be my greatest challenge. I was a hick girl from rural North Carolina in Seattle having dinner with all these classy, sophisticated people. I had no clue what to order or what kinds conversation to make with these people. I tend to be a little blunt and outspoken and just say whatever pops into my head. My goal was to shut my mouth and try to keep them talking as much as possible and to hopefully not order anything stupid off the menu. That was my plan.

Tony takes amazing photos. He is really creative

So I get to the dinner and there is Tony. Handsome, sophisticated, and the most articulate person I have ever met. I was in trouble. The waitress came over to take our order. Tony ordered an incredible glass of wine and the salmon which was plank seared. Now, just to give you some context, where I came from wine comes in two flavors, white and red, and I had no idea what “plank seared” meant. So of course, after he ordered and the waitress turned to me, I said “that sounds great, I will have the same thing”. I had no idea if I would even like it or not. Tony then drew me into a conversation about pig pickin’s and hush puppies and had the whole table laughing hysterically. I just knew that I had blown the whole interview right there. They had to have thought I needed to be in the kitchen frying something rather than in an academic position. I was surprised when they offered me my job.

About a week after starting my job, I was walking down the hallway carrying geoboards. Tony was walking past me and said “geoboards, fun!”. Since Tony is the literacy professor, I was taken aback. I mean, seriously, how many people outside of math even know what geoboards are? So I asked him how he knew about geoboards and he told me that he went to a school taught by hippies so he was “raised on geoboards and autoharps”. How could anyone not be friends with a guy who can come back with a line like that? The timing of his humor is always perfect.

Robin & Tony. What a great friend to hold his hand over my neck to hide the multiple chins.

The friendship was born at that moment. Tony and I have had so many great adventures. Eating and drinking our way through Seattle Met magazine’s best happy hour edition, spending spring break pretending we were in Baja by going over to Alki Beach for Mexican food (it was snowing and we were in parkas on the beach), finding all the places with the best chicken in Seattle (Cafe Presse, Crow, Ken & Tony’s kitchen), the most amazing meal ever at Canlis, our famous end-of-quarter grade submission brunches complete with mimosas/martinis/madeira flights at 10 am. There have been picnics on sunny days, the Bloedel Reserve on Pi Day, an unforgettable birthday trip to Portland, a life-changing trip to NYC, a New Year’s Eve with 48 gorgeous men, and a disastrous game of croquet on the parade grounds of Fort Warden where the movie an Officer and an Gentleman was filmed, a game which was saved when Tony’s dad came to the rescue with a very civilized pitcher of gin and tonics.

Evening at Boom Noodle with Kristen, Ellen, Jessica, Tony & Ken

And then there are the infamous Happy Friday emails…I could go on and on. Each adventure has been memorable. My adventures with Tony definitely make up the brunt of all the great times I have had in Seattle. He is the best friend I could have ever asked for. We supported each other through tenure, have cried over the end of relationships, worked on grants, written papers together, and been there for each other in all the areas of our lives. He and his partner Ken have taught me about wine, great food, amazing restaurants, how to cut an avocado, art, music, vacations and relaxation. They opened up the world for me. With friendship, unconditional acceptance, respect, honor, loyalty, and love, they have helped me become the woman I am. I love them with all my heart. I haven’t let myself think about what it is going to be like next year without them nearby. I don’t want to think about it.

I hope everyone reading this has someone in their life that is so much a part of them that the relationship seems almost effortless. Those are the sweetest kinds of relationships, but also the most easy to take for granted. We can get consumed with other relationships that take a lot of effort and forget the ones that are simple. If you have someone in your life like that, just take a moment to tell them how much they really mean to you. Those are the relationships that should get the most care, not the least.

Tony Smith, my friend, my brother, my partner in crime…I love you and am the woman I am because I have known you. You have changed my life. I am so glad I ordered the white wine and plank-seared salmon on that fateful February night in 2007 and had that crazy discussion about pig-pickin’s and hush puppies.

What I have realized in typing this blog post is that being willing to say “I will have the same thing…” or letting someone else order the food for me has been a way that I have pushed myself to try something new and to show people that I trust their choices. Being open to learning new things from others has definitely helped me form the great friendships I have with so many people. I think it makes other people feel valued. It is something I am going to implement in Africa. When I find myself at dinner with an interesting person, I am just going to say “I will have the same thing…” and see where the adventure takes me.

Things that are important..

Posted on July 22, 2013 by rangotti

Charlotte & Brooklyn

I have two beautiful twin granddaughters, Brooklyn and Charlotte. They are the most amazing children ever (spoken like a true grandmother). They are intelligent, inquisitive and involved with the world and people around them. As I have been getting ready to go to Africa, it had been weighing very heavily on my mind that I would not see them again until the holidays. They are growing so fast and I am missing so much of their lives.

So I made a decision. Even though I wanted to hike Kilimanjaro and had paid for the excursion, I want to use the time to go for a visit to two of the most important people in my life. So I am choosing to give up my trip to visit with my family. My daughter and her new boyfriend are going to join me so my whole family will be together.

It is the right decision, I would have been hiking Kili and not been able to get to Ethiopia until the day before school starts. This way, I will get there a couple of weeks early and be able to settle in, write lesson plans and get ready for school to start. And I get to spend a few days with those beautiful girls before I leave.

I have been overwhelmed with details of getting my stuff together, deciding what to take and what to leave behind, knowing that I really have no place to leave anything since I don’t have a house anymore. I am really having to think carefully about everything that comes with me. I want to have enough room in my luggage to bring school supplies and things that I might need for my classroom.

I have to admit, I have been struggling with it both emotionally and physically. The stress is getting to me. It has made it hard to write this blog and be positive. I make it harder because I expect a lot out of myself and I expect to be handling everything perfectly. Not only have I not been doing it perfectly, I have pretty much sucked at how I have handled stuff so far. From procrastinating on details that need to be taken care of to avoidance of the emotion of leaving, I have been making a lot of mistakes.

When something is right though, the universe will make it happen despite my attempts to derail it. Everything is falling into place. Visas have been arranged, travel is straight, vaccinations are finished, even the packing will get done. Because I had already culled my possessions when I moved out of my house, there isn’t a lot to go through now, so it really won’t be as hard as I am making it out to be in my mind. And I know that soon, I will be on a plane going to the birthplace of humanity and the soul of the world. I am excited, anxious, happy, and terrified all at the same time.

Jump and the net will appear. ~John Burroughs

Posted on July 18, 2013 by rangotti

I don’t actually believe the saying “Jump and the net will appear”. From what I understand about life, I think that sometimes we jump and we just hit the ground and there isn’t any net. Nothing catches us, we just fall flat on our faces. Yeah, I know…ouch.

I come from a family who believes in pragmatism. My brother, the one that is our mom’s favorite, buys a new truck about every 10 years. When he was 50, he bought a new truck and told everyone he was “two trucks from death”. When questioned on that, he would say,”I am 50 years old, if I buy a truck every 10 years I will buy another when I am 60 and one more when I am 70. Chances are, I will be dead when I am 80 so I am two trucks from death. I come from a family that is “that kind” of pragmatic. They approach life with humor, grace, realism, and incredible bluntness. My brother currently has a job where he has use of a work truck to commute and he only puts about 1000 miles a year on his personal truck so it should last another 30 years. He now calls it the “death truck”. When you go to visit, he will say “don’t bother renting a car, you can just drive the death truck”. Yeah…that is my family and they are amazing. I love them dearly.

Family vacation, circa 1966

My family has never been one on ceremony or flowery speaking. They understand life on an elemental level. Maybe it is because of the dramatic change of seasons in New England where they live, or maybe it is the harshness of the winters, I don’t know. I just know that they understand that there are seasons of our lives just like there are seasons in the world around us. To demonstrate that, when we had a family reunion, they would say “look around you, there are three groups of people. There are the young kids swimming in the frigid cold lake, the 30- and 40-somethings playing horseshoes, and then all the old guys over there talking politics”. When they themselves, in their 50s and 60s, started gravitating to the politics group, they acknowledged it and accepted it with that same bluntness and realism, knowing that they had reached another season of their lives. One of the best things about them is you always know right where you stand with them. They have hearts of gold, but don’t ask them a question you don’t really want to know the answer to, because they will give it to you.

When I moved to Seattle I was 44. My brother told me then, “Robin, you’ve got 30 more years. In your seventies, you aren’t going to be learning how to kayak, ride a mountain bike, ski etc. If there is something you want to learn how to do, you need to do it now. Otherwise, you will be like our mother who is in her seventies sitting around lamenting about all the things she wishes she had done in her life but now doesn’t have the capacity to do”. My brother isn’t saying I can’t learn anything or have adventures after 70, he is reminding me to take advantage of every moment of my life so I won’t have regrets. I remind myself of that often.

Ever since I started talking about teaching in Ethiopia, I have had wavering feelings about what I am doing. That is probably pretty normal with such a big undertaking. And of course, with my type A personality, I think I have to do it perfectly. Which means that I beat myself up whenever I have a self-doubt. I also have this crazy idea that I have to deal with it all on my own, without accepting any help from anyone else. Needless to say, the past couple of weeks have been ones of ups and downs. I have the feeling that will happen several more times before I am finally on the plane.

Saying goodbye to friends

The downs have happened when I have been overwhelmed by details of international visas, travel arrangements, all the unknown obstacles of long term international travel and work, dealing with my physical stuff here in the U.S. and dealing with the emotion behind leaving my friends and family that I love. The ups have occurred when I tell people about what I am going to do and they say, “I have a friend who lives/lived in Addis, let me connect you” and I get these emails from people around the world who tell me how much I am going to love it. They give me connections to great coffee shops, restaurants, and insights into things to do. And not just in the city, but things that will call to my adventurous side also. Places like the Simien Mountains, the Danakil depression, Gondar, the Blue Nile Falls, and Lake Tana and when I look at the pictures, I can’t help but be excited by the adventure. Those times I feel like I can totally do this.

Even more important, I have spent the first half of my life figuring out what my values are, what I believe in, and what I am willing to risk taking a stand for. This is an opportunity for me to be able to make a difference and it is an opportunity that not many people get. I understand how fortunate I am. Now it is time to put those values and beliefs into action…to put my time and effort into being the change I want to see in the world.

Some people can affect change in the world by what they say so eloquently. I have always envied those people who can articulate themselves so perfectly. I am not one of them. I, like my brothers, am too blunt and pragmatic. But what I lack in communication skills, I make up for in action, I figure out ways to make things happen. But in order to do that, first I have to jump, net or no net…because I only have 30 more years.

Maybe those bumps aren’t in the way…maybe they are the way.

Posted on July 13, 2013 by rangotti

Ferris wheel on the Seattle waterfront

Watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you, because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in the magic will never find it! ~Ronald Dahl

I have had several “ah-ha” moments this week which all have a common theme. Sometimes I get mired in my own fears, disbelief, and insecurity and when that happens, I lose my clarity on the world around me. Instead of trusting my instincts and believing that everything will work out, all I see are the bumps in the way.

But I am also the luckiest girl in the world. I am blessed with amazing people who give me shifts in perspective, essentially helping me open my eyes to what I am not seeing. And that is where the magic of my life occurs.

This week, I spent some time with a friend while he was in Seattle getting fitted for a new bike. I have known him for awhile online and he always seemed to be a bit self-centered in his online persona. I hadn’t spent any time actually talking to him in person so I was a bit apprehensive when I offered to be his tour guide while he was in Seattle. Come to find out, I was totally wrong in my perceptions about him and if I had let my original insecurity stop me from getting to know him better, I would have missed the opportunity to learn from his unique perspective on life.

He is a photographer and I have always been captivated by his work. He has an awareness of the world around him that comes out in his pictures; an awareness of himself, the world around him, as well as the people in it. In person, I realized he is probably one of the most adept people I have ever met for staying in the moment and being totally present with you. Without even seeming to pay attention he noticed details about the scenes and people that I, even living in Seattle, had no awareness of. He is someone who utilizes all of his senses and his intuition to understand the world around him and that is what makes him a great photographer. I didn’t realize it until I met him but that is what I was drawn to in his photographs. He captures the moment in an elemental way that activates all your senses and immerses you in the scene which brings forth things that you didn’t even know were there. Magic.

In talking with him, he told me stories of traveling around the world surfing and becoming comfortable in other cultures. He told me stories of triumph, failure, joy and agony and he embraced all of those things as what life is about. He told me his philosophies of life and gave me the space to be myself and share mine in return. He is the type of person I have always wanted to be…embracing life, accepting his mistakes with grace, being truly in the moment, caring about the people in his life, and just being wonderfully alive.

Since he left, I have been having a ton of difficulty in getting things ready to leave for Africa and I started going into meltdown mode. I was freaking out over logistical details. I could only see the obstacles, the bumps in the road. I made a post about my fears in my online forum and a friend said “maybe those bumps aren’t in the way…maybe they are the way.” BAM…that is the perspective shift I needed.

It made me think about the person I had just said I wanted to be. Someone who embraces all of life, both the part with bumps as well as those that are smooth sailing. Someone who can be truly in the moment, caring about people, fully alive…and it hit me. It would all work out.

I just need to be confident and trust myself. The path I am on is the path for me, I just need to keep walking.

You have to let go of all you have … in order to gain the world

Posted on July 7, 2013 by rangotti

Real freedom is having nothing. I was freer when I didn’t have a cent. ~Mike Tyson

I have struggled to write this blog post. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed by too many choices. For most of my life I haven’t had to face a lot of choices. My life has been one of survival. The choices I faced were almost always binary, i.e. do I keep this job or be unemployed, can I afford to buy this or not. Binary choices are easy. An abundance of choices is more difficult.

I have worked very hard throughout my life and for the most part, have done a very good job at what I do. It has gained me some notoriety and opened lots of doors for a successful career. I also have been a relatively decent human being and that has gained me a fair amount of people who love me and who I love spending time with. I am extremely grateful for both of those things and for all the choices they have given me.

One of the things I have struggled with is how to make a choice between several equally great things where there is no bad choice to eliminate. I struggle with trying to figure out what I really want. Right now, I am struggling with my sabbatical. I have had so many great offers to do incredible work in exotic places. I have choices to have amazing personal experiences like riding bikes, hiking, diving, etc with fascinating people in places I have never dreamed I would get to go in my life. I have wonderful choices to visit and spend time with people I love in places that are dear to heart. And I haven’t been able to choose.

So I tried to think about how to combine them so I could do it all, and frankly, it stressed me out. I struggled to make the choice which will make everyone happy and meet everyone’s needs. But what I really needed to be asking myself is “what do I want to do?”. Such a simple, yet complex question.

In writing out this blog post, what I realized is that it is about letting go. I have already let go of my physical stuff. Now I need to let go of people’s expectations for me. I need to let go of the idea of disappointing people. I need to let go of my own ideas of failure and success. I need to let go of fear of the unknown. I need to let go of all of those things so that my hands are empty and my heart is open. Only then will I be ready to reach for whatever is to be my destiny.

I have decided this week to accept an offer to teach in Ethiopia for the next year. There will be some side trips to a few other countries for vacation, other work and to visit with my beautiful granddaughters, but the majority of my sabbatical will be spent in Ethiopia. It is a chance to do work that is some of the most innovative and has a greater potential for impact on humanity, on my career, and on me personally than anything I have done thus far.

As I was writing out that line, I realized…it is what I want to do.

Try the mustard on the chips…

Posted on June 28, 2013 by rangotti

One day when my friends and I were skiing, we stopped for lunch. One of my friends had a sandwich that came with mustard, just the plain ordinary yellow kind. He also got potato chips with it. After the sandwich was gone, the side of mustard was sitting there and he started dipping the chips in the mustard. He commented on how good it was and I said “ewwww” because I expected it to be yukky. He kept saying “try it”. I finally relented and had to admit, it was pretty good.

Expectations are where we get in trouble. We set ourselves up for suffering by having expectations for what the future holds, for what our lives will be like “when…”, for what people will do, and for what we ourselves should do. When those expectations don’t come to fruition, we suffer. And the reality is, lots of time life doesn’t work out the way we think it is going to.

Expectations color much what we do and cause us to get stuck. We don’t want to try new things because of an expectation that we won’t like them or they will be scary or that we will look silly or we can’t afford it. We get mired in keeping the status quo even if it isn’t working for us because of an unwillingness to let go of our expectations of what we think our lives “should” be. And we suffer.

When I was mired in the emotional turmoil of divorce, loneliness, debt, stress, etc., one of the key reasons for my distress was being unwilling to let go of all my expectations for my life. That was when I met these people on a bike forum. At first I was a little sketched out that I was talking and sharing so much of myself with these people I had never met in person. After reading their posts, “listening” to their ideas, realizing how intelligent and thoughtful they were, I couldn’t help but trust them. So I reached out and asked a few of them if I could meet them in person. And they were even more spectacular in person than they were online.

Each time I would meet someone, I would post what I thought and felt when meeting them. I told them all how much they exceeded my expectations of what I thought they would be like. It became the running joke that the next one I met would be the one to disappoint me. To this day I continue to keep telling them that it isn’t going to happen. What they don’t know is in reality, they already have shattered all my expectations.

Today, I am riding in a 24 hour bike ride for charity and I am riding with a large group of these remarkable people. I am nervous. What they haven’t realized is that what I am terrified of isn’t that they aren’t going to meet my expectations. What I am scared of is that I won’t live up to theirs. And I don’t want to disappoint these people who mean so much to me. I guess that is the legacy of my perfectionism. I don’t want to show them that I am not who they think I am.

What I keep telling myself and trying to remember is whether I meet their expectations or not, there is still some learning for each of us by having the opportunity to interact.

Because sometimes, you just have to try the mustard on the chips.

Life Divided by Zero

The Journey of Becoming Undefined

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