Something old, something new…

Posted on March 10, 2014 by rangotti

I had two times this week that my mind was blown.

Even though I am 50 years old and not a “digital native”, I am still pretty competent in the use of technological tools. I am a “digital immigrant”, meaning that I remember a time before mainstream digital devices when communication was primarily face-to-face, via telephone, or handwritten letters. So even though I can use technology, I find that interacting with younger “digital natives” helps me to understand new social and emotional paradigms for using those technologies.

From some internet discussion forums I belong to, I know that real friendship can grow from online communities where people never have met in person. I have met some of my most trusted friends online. And it isn’t just that we established a friendship online, that happens all the time, it is that we maintain friendships in a online space. That is a powerful shift in human interactions. But until the other night, what I had never considered is that intimate relationships in the digital age can also be sustained online.

The other night I went to a goodbye party for my friend Kare who lives in Germany now. He came to the states to snowboard and on his last night here we met for beer. I had a great conversation with Rachel, a woman Kare had worked with when he worked in the US and she gave me a perspective shift on intimate relationships that I had never considered. Rachel is in her mid 30s so just on the cusp of the “digital divide”. Rachel is the definition of a strong, confident, independent woman who has a stable job, disposable income, and is emotionally secure in who she is. We recognized pretty quickly that we are kindred spirits. Commiserating over beer at a local German bar in Seattle, we both described the same challenges for dating in Seattle. The Seattle dating scene (Dateless in Seattle) is pretty well documented and some even blame the tech factor for it. Rachel had a different idea about technology

We were complaining that we meet men, either in person or through online dating, that say they want a “strong, confident, independent woman”… until they actually meet one. That is when they realize that they really want a ball of fluff that is waiting for them to come home so she can fix them a sandwich and get them a beer. Yeah, that isn’t gonna happen in my world or apparently Rachel’s either. Rachel said to me, “Robin, you are not going to find a real man in Seattle, you have to go east coast”. To which I replied that I have a job and can’t move to the east coast right now. She said, you don’t have to move, just use technology. Then she told me her boyfriend lives in Pennsylvania and they have no intention of changing that situation any time soon. They talk online daily and fly to see each other regularly. Her philosophy is that, in the 21st century, relationships can be defined differently than how we traditionally have thought of them. I sat there blinking at her with the owl stare because she had just rocked my world. Wait a second, I thought…Intimate relationships can also be fostered online? Mind = blown. That totally opens the dating pool up to a wider spectrum. An interesting shift in perspective that I need to think about more. Thanks Rachel!

Later in the week, my roommate and I threw our first small house party with a few ski friends. I have to say, it was great just interacting with them again. Between laughing over Cards Against Humanity to watching the Boy Dance Party SNL skit, I Iaughed hard enough that my sides hurt and I realized how much I have missed them and love their company. At the end of the night, my roommate and I were cleaning up and I noticed that she had used an antique plate that belonged to her grandmother to serve food. When I questioned her about it, she said “what is the point of having it if it doesn’t get used?”. Again mind = blown. I was reminded of why I gave up all my stuff. The thing I realized this week is that the possessions aren’t the problem, it is the fact that for many people, they don’t use what they have. They keep the good candle, china, lingerie, clothes, or whatever it is they have in storage for a “special occasion”. Well, today is special. You woke up, you are reading this blog, you are alive. Celebrate. Break out the good _______ (fill in the blank with whatever you have hoarded away). Use it. Light candles, buy flowers, eat the good chocolate, and invite people over that you haven’t seen in awhile. Why? Well because it is Monday that is why. You don’t need a reason to live and love your life or to cultivate friendships. Cultivate those friendships like you cultivate a garden, friendship is food for your soul.

So this week I learned from something old and something new. Maybe next week, I will learn from something borrowed and something blue. I never know where life’s lessons are coming from, I just try to be open to whatever I am learning. Have a great week.

TextMatt.com

Posted on February 19, 2014 by rangotti

I had a lovely meeting with my friend Sally yesterday. She wanted to hear about my sabbatical adventures. I told her about being in Spain and feeling like I was emotionally and mentally going backward and texting my friend Matt and saying “I am taking one step forward and three steps back” to which he replied “take bigger steps forward”. He always knew just what to say to make me laugh and put my issues into perspective. Sally was laughing at the story and said the same thing many of my friends have said. She said “I need a Matt to text when I am struggling”. To which I thought…don’t we all?

So we thought, why not a website? TextMatt.com. Why not indeed? In the absence of such a great website, today, I am trying to channel my inner Matt. There are a few women I can think of that need some Matt wisdom.

To Sally, Jessica, Heather, Rachel, Keri, Amanda, Tracy and all the other young women I know, some that I have spoken with recently. You are young women who are struggling to figure out how to do it all, to love deeply the men and women you care about, risk having and raising children, push forward in careers, struggle with worries about money and how you are going to accomplish everything. You think about the impact you are having on the world around you as you are managing the mundane of everyday life… Here is what Matt would say to you:

Embrace it all. All of those moments, put together like pieces of fabric in a quilt, is what will ultimately make up your life. Love, loss, careers, staying home with babies, cooking, cleaning, saving lives, teaching, jumping out of planes, skiing, getting a dog, playing softball, getting a PhD, going to China… each moment, together with the moments before it and the moment after it, become your life. None of it is wrong and every moment is as important as the last, whether you are cooking dinner, carting kids around, programming software, or marrying the person you love. All of it has value. Stop spending all the time worrying about doing it wrong and just do it. Because whether it is right or wrong, at least you didn’t let the moment pass by, unlived.

Many people live their whole lives refusing to take risks, sitting safely on the sidelines watching their lives go by, fearing the unknown of change, wrapped up in bubble wrap in a state of perfection which, underneath that façade is anything but perfection. They live in an endless struggle of wanting others to believe that their lives are perfect, afraid to show vulnerability, afraid to be real.

Matt would tell you to live a life that is sloppy, messy, and imperfect. Just let it hit you with all the struggles, joys, challenges and opportunities and embrace them all. Find sloppy, messy, and imperfect people to surround yourself with. People who accept you in all your crazy glory. You are strong and will get stronger as you get older. Don’t let anyone make you believe otherwise. Be true to yourself and keep dancing around the kitchen, unrestrained. Be vulnerable, authentic, whole, and wide open… people will think you are batshit crazy because of it, but Matt would say to you… batshit crazy is the best way to live your life.

Love the men and women you love, live the life that makes you happy, and never ever let anyone tell you that you are doing it wrong. Soon, the day will come and you will be looking back across the years at all you have accomplished. You will be watching those children become adults, with struggles of their own. You will be laughing about the adventures you had, remembering the people who have come and gone from your life, and being thankful that you were given this ride on the planet. You will look across your career at the lives you touched and impacted, whether directly through occupations like teaching and nursing, or indirectly through creating clean water or a better living environment of a newly designed house. And you will know that your lives were well-lived. There is no greater joy than that of a well-lived life. That is what Matt would say.

From me: I am so proud of all of you. I am grateful that you all came into my life. You have enriched my life and changed me as a person. I am a better person from knowing all of you. I know that when my time is up on this planet that there will be a generation of strong confident women who are impacting the world around them, making it better for the women and men of the next generation.

Oh, and Matt also says: Just say no to crack.

Letter to my older self…

Posted on February 5, 2014 by rangotti

So many people asked me to do this that I had to comply. Last week, I wrote a letter to my younger 25 year old self of things I would want her to know from what I have learned over the last couple of decades. A lot of people asked me to do the same with my older self, that is, what I would want my older self to know. Since I am 50, I decided to write a letter to my 70 year old self. I have to admit, I struggled with this one more than the last letter. Thinking about being 70 and entering the last couple of decades of life is harder than looking back and imparting wisdom on a younger Robin with a future stretching before her. I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of getting old. When I get old and outlive my usefulness, I want to have the capacity to walk off into the wilderness where I can look up into the mountains that I love and just die. No fuss, no fanfare. Just the natural end of a life well lived.

Robin,

Wow, you’ve made it to 70. There have been many times in your life that you didn’t think you would ever see this day. Yet here you are. Hopefully, you have taken care of your health and are still active. Finally, you get to have that discounted ski pass at Stevens!!! Woot!! You’ve been waiting for that for 25 years. I hope you are still active enough to enjoy it. I hope you are skiing every weekday and get at least 50 days in.

Retirement finally came for you two years ago. I hope you stayed on track to have at least a million dollars in your retirement account. It will suck if you didn’t and you have to eat cat food to survive. My hope is that you learned from the lean years of paying off all that debt incurred during your marriage and have kept saving money. It is okay if people call you fiscally conservative or even if they call you cheap. It still beats having to survive off cat food.

I hope you kept on learning and trying new things and experiences, it is how you stay young. Try not to be like some older people and get too set in your ways. Remember Matt? Remember how much you learned from him all those years ago and the fun that you had? Don’t forget that you can learn a lot about life from people of all ages, so don’t be the old fuddy-duddy who thinks they have all the answers and won’t listen to anyone else, especially younger people. Be open, listen, learn.

And don’t forget, if you are lonely and think no one comes to see you, then get off your ass and go to see them. People want you to care about their interests, they want you to be interested in their lives and what they are passionate about. Go to your grandchildren’s games, graduations, weddings… call them, listen to them, make time for them. Don’t just sit around and bemoan that no one wants to visit with you because if you do, guess what will happen? No one will want to be around you. If you want people to be interested in your life, you have to start by being interested in theirs.

The twin granddaughters are about 23 now, graduated from college. Hopefully, you kept your word and have been taking them on trips every year to show them how big the world is and that you made that same commitment with your other grandchildren you had too. I hope you took them to Nepal, Africa, Myanmar, South America and let them see some of the remote places of the world. I hope you took them diving, paragliding, cycling, and I really hope you taught them how to ski. A great graduation trip might be a ski trip to the Alps or to Whistler where you can rent a nice apartment and your old lady self can go to bed early and where the grandkids can stay up and party all night. Remember that experiences are worth more than stuff, spend your money and time having experiences with them. It is the best legacy you could leave them.

I hope you are living in a place where it is easy to get around. A nice, one bedroom condo in an urban area. Easy to clean and you can spend your time going to the theater and concerts and have adventures easily. That way you can give up the drivers license and still have your freedom. Give up the driver’s license before you don’t want to, that way it isn’t an issue for your kids having to take it away from you. Make plans for the last years of your life. Pick out the retirement community and assisted living facility you want to be in now. You’ve worked your whole life to take care of your family, take care of them now by making those decisions for yourself while you still can so that you won’t be a burden to them in a few years.

The end of your life is coming. Just like with the rest of your life, you get to choose how you face it. Face it with grace, courage, and dignity. Choose to live your life on your terms, each day giving your best, caring for the people in your life, and remembering how much you are loved. Choose to keep having amazing adventures and always be thankful for how great your life has been. It truly has been an incredible ride.

No regrets, just go enjoy the sunset of your life.

Robin

Letter to my younger self…

Posted on January 26, 2014 by rangotti

I read a book a long time ago called “What I Know Now: Letter to My Younger Self”. I was in my office the other day working on a grant and saw it on a shelf and thought about what a great idea it would be to write a letter to my younger self. What would I want her to know? Then I realized it would depend on what age I was so I decided on writing a letter to my 25 year old self. At 25, I was in my second year of my master’s degree program. I remember wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt that my husband bought me for a birthday present to teach class in that day. I remember having a huge existential crisis over the fact that I was turning 25 and that seemed so old and grown up. I was already married with a 7 year old and a 2 year old but for some reason, turning 25 made me feel very old.

At 25, I had already put myself through undergraduate school and graduated Magna cum Laude and was driven to succeed in graduate school. Even though I had gone through a teacher education program, my teaching assistant position at a 4 year university felt like an internship where I was able to get more practice at being a teacher before teaching high school. I had the help of a great friend and math teacher Danny Lueck who passed away a few years ago. I remember those times sitting in my living room grading 120 papers and he would be giving me advice on how to grade them more efficiently so that I wouldn’t go crazy. He was a good friend. I would go on to teach public high school for over a decade before returning to graduate school again to get my PhD and moving into higher education. Along the way, building my career, I sacrificed a lot of my personal life. I don’t regret my education or my job path. It has allowed me to make an impact on the world, but it also came with a price.

Going through this letter-writing process was a great one for reminding me of where I was and where I am now. If you are over 35, I suggest trying this. Don’t just think of what you would say to your younger self, actually take the time to write it out. If you are under 35, I suggest writing a letter to your older self. Add 20 years to your age and tell that older you what you want them never to forget. Put it away and then read it again in a few years and see how you are doing. You could even make it a tradition every 5 years to go back and reread and then write a new letter. Just a thought.

Dear Robin,

I see you standing there, in front of that class of undergraduates who are barely younger than you. There are so many of them, looking toward you like you have the answers to all their problems in math. Yet you are standing there shaking in your shoes because you know you are going to screw up. Yes you will, so stop worrying about it. You will survive the embarrassment of calling a hypotenuse a hypothesis for a whole class until one of your students points it out. You will survive your first (and subsequent) altercation with students where you have to confront them on discipline issues. You will weather the storm on the first (and subsequent) time that someone complains about your teaching. The thing to remember is this: you are going to be a great teacher but that greatness doesn’t come without making a bunch of mistakes. Let go of the control and thinking you have all the answers, don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know but I will find out and let you know tomorrow”, and don’t be afraid to ask the kids “I don’t know, what do you think?” and let them come up with their own answers. They will learn more that way. Never back a kid into a corner, always give them a way out and a way to save face. Laugh at yourself, have sense of humor in your classroom, don’t take things so seriously.

That goes for your personal life too. You are far too serious for being 25 years old. Look at your two beautiful children, they need a mother that laughs and plays with them. They will grow up to be amazing human beings, your pride in them will know no bounds. I wish I could say you aren’t going to make any mistakes in raising them, but you are. They will love you despite the times you screw up. Play with them more, be unrestrained, show them how to have adventures. And while you are at it, have some yourself. It is okay to be concerned with your career, it is going to take you places you never imagined. But don’t let it get in the way of adventures. They are what fuels your soul. They don’t have to be big or cost lots of money, you just have to be willing to let go of control, not be perfect, and get lost in the moment of life.

Try not to spend all of your life being perfect. Someday that perfect life will shatter into a million pieces and you won’t know how to deal with it. The key to surviving that is to realize that imperfection is where the good stuff of life happens. Your life will start when you are willing to jump in and do stuff without fearing you’ll make a mistake. Fear is where the fun starts, it isn’t the paralyzing emotion that you think it is. Face what you are most afraid of head on with no hesitation. It will set you free.

You did a great job at 25, allowing yourself to trust your husband, have kids, build a great life. Those choices will make you very happy over the next 20 years. You will have no regrets about raising your family, living in the town that you choose, having the wonderful friends that you have. Never look back on that time with regrets, it is magic time, filled with wonder. Someday, after your life falls apart, you will build a new life, very different from that. It is okay, nothing lasts forever. You will move on. During that rebuilding time, my advice to you is try to let go faster. It really is the key to being happy. You have to learn how to recognize when a relationship is at its end and be okay with that. Cherish the relationship for what it brought you and look with anticipation at the next one that will come into your life. A relationship ends when it has fulfilled its need in your life and its ending opens up a space to allow you another one that will meet different needs.

A couple of things I really want you to remember:

Your hair doesn’t matter as much as you think it does, don’t waste so much time and money on it.
Stand closer to the fire. Don’t stand on the periphery of life, get in where it is warm, where life is happening.
Dance more and don’t stop singing. The day might come when you will forget how much joy these things bring to life so capture the joy while you can.
Make mistakes. It is how you learn and grow.
Take care of your body. You will spend money, time, and energy taking care of your house or cars while ignoring the one thing in your life that can’t be replaced, your health. Put your effort and energy into making sure the one body you have to go through this life with is always running in peak condition.
Take the harder road, make the more difficult choice. Yes, the learning curve is larger, but there is a reason the phrase “no guts, no glory” came about. The harder road is the greater opportunity. You won’t get where you want to be by playing it safe.
Don’t be afraid to embrace the people who come into your life for the gifts they are. And don’t be afraid to let them go when it is time.
Someday, you will meet some sketchy internet people, they are trustworthy. They will help you find your voice again.
Someday, in your darkest hours, you will meet someone who is going to change your life. He is young and it seems an odd friendship and you will question it many, many times. Don’t. Risk trusting this person, he will teach you how to play again after a lifetime of responsibility. He will teach you how to be strong. He will teach you about the person you want to be. He will help you find your soul.

You are going to have the best life ever. Live every day of it.

Robin

That was when I lived in a morgue…

Posted on January 14, 2014 by rangotti

Of all the stories I expected to hear on my story collecting adventure, the words “I lived in a morgue” probably never made my list. But my friend Keri did, in fact, live in a morgue and even has some incredible pictures to prove it. In the midst of a casual conversation the other night, she uttered the words “when I lived in the morgue”…say WHAT? When prompted for the story, she revealed that she and several other ski instructors lived there together when they were working in Garmisch, Germany. She dragged our her old photo album and told the story as we scrolled through her awesome pictures that showed a bunch of twenty-somethings living it up in this funky place with a half-moon shaped area where at one time bodies were viewed, a kitchen that had once been where embalming happened and had no counter space at all because of that, and Keri’s bedroom which had previously been where the crematorium ovens were located. There were also some underground tunnels from the old hospital to the morgue that were built during the war so that the German public wouldn’t know how many men were dying in the war. It was kind of freaky, but they had some incredible parties in that “house”. Halloween must have been awesome.

It is funny because I have known Keri for the last seven years but did not know that about her. What made that story even more interesting is Keri herself. Of all the people I know who might have uttered the words “I lived in a morgue”, she would have been the last person I would have expected. Keri is one of the most amazingly even keeled and centered people I have ever met. Yet, in hindsight, maybe it isn’t so surprising after all. Keri also flows easily in her life taking whatever opportunities that come up with little hesitation. She lives her life fully every day. She is a remarkable and courageous person.

One of the things I love about our friendship is how easy it is. When we haven’t seen each other in a while, we can pick right up where we left off. We talk to each other about our lives, dreams, fears, joys, and sorrows. She gives the best advice and I value her wisdom. She has a way of understanding human interactions that cuts through all the subterfuge. Out of all my friends, she is one of the best at self-care and boundaries.

I have been thinking a lot about relationships this week, both friendships and intimate relationships. I am in the midst of taking a hard look at my relationships and reflecting on the ones that add value to my life and to which I am adding value in return. Great relationships that add significance to my life, like the ones I share with my closest friends, take open communication of both the good and the bad of our lives. These relationships are easy because we are willing to be open and authentic with each other, telling each other our truths while respecting how each feels. Frankly, I don’t want any other kind of relationships in my life other than easy ones. Relationships with people who don’t keep their word, lie, use subterfuge, give you the silent treatment, or omit details to try to avoid conflict just take too much effort and energy. Relationships should be easy.

However, I think a mistake that is common in intimate relationships is believing that one person can meet all our needs. It is impossible for one person to meet all our needs and it would be a huge burden on any one person to try to accomplish that. Life is enriched by all our relationships not just the intimate ones. Relationships with a variety of people give us perspective from many angles and broaden our understanding of the world around us.. Life becomes rich and full when we embrace all of those various relationships.

As a caveat, it also must be considered that inherent in relationships is a measure of risk. When we trust others with our vulnerabilities, we stand the risk of being rejected, hurt, used, and taken for granted. When that happens and a valued relationship ends, it is hard to pick up the threads of trust to try again. But try we must. Human beings were not meant to live in isolation from others. Our relationships bring us wisdom, joy, beauty, poetry, happiness, physical comfort, sorrow, grief, and the whole range of human emotions. Through those relationships we find strength and comfort when the problems of the world rise around us. It is also through those relationships that we grow and reach our fullest potential. Without them, we die, maybe not all at once, but our soul dies day by isolating day. And we live in our own private morgue, not one that has a bunch of fellow ski instructors who are full of life, but in the shells of our bodies going through the motions of life.

My Life Divided by Zero advice for this week is to collect a story, have a conversation with someone, find out a really interesting fact that you didn’t previously know and tell them something about you in return. Risk, trust, open up and be vulnerable to someone. You might get hurt, but at least you will be alive. And you will probably come away with a great story to tell. And that is what our lives are…a collection of stories.

You’ve got to dance with the one that brung ya…

Posted on January 9, 2014 by rangotti

You’ve got to dance with the one that brung ya…I have always liked that phrase. To me, it is a reminder to do what is right even when others would suggest otherwise and to be loyal to those in my life who have helped me get where I am.

The reality of my life is that I got to where I am…a person having great adventures, happy, centered, feeling, and living every moment… because of all the things that have happened to me. Take away any part and I wouldn’t be me. I have spent a lot of time bemoaning things especially when I am at low points like when I am scared or lonely… but bemoaning and regrets are not only futile, they take away from my power to be who I think I am and that I want to be. And that is my goal, to be the person I think I am.

One of the things that got me here is the loss of my marriage to someone who I loved with all my heart which was the catalyst for change, good change that brought me to where I am at this moment. That path to change started with marriage therapy, it was the first dance that got me here.

I am not a big fan of the mental health care system even though I have several close friends who are therapists and I respect and appreciate what they do. One of my major concerns is that there is too much power given to the therapist with the assumption that they will act with ethics but no policing of that system unless a client complains. However there is little client education of boundaries and appropriate behavior so when the therapist crosses a boundary, the client takes it on trust that the therapist knows what they are doing, even if the situation feels icky and uncomfortable. The trust required in the therapeutic relationship allows therapists to wield enormous psychological influence which, when handled correctly, produces the magic of positive change in people’s lives. But when handled incorrectly can produce devastating results. I know because it is what happened to me.

I trusted my marriage therapist with all my heart, way more than I should have ever trusted a service provider. I told him all of my secrets, things that I had never told any living person. As a result, therapy was very successful for me, although not so much for my marriage. I sent him daily journals via email, he said it helped make him a better therapist knowing all my thoughts. I paid him even though he was still in graduate school and shouldn’t have accepted money. When therapy “ended” when I moved to Seattle, I continued to communicate with him weekly and send him my journals. A couple of months later, he moved to Seattle where we started riding mountain bikes, kayaking, skiing, I introduced him to my social group, I watched his dog every weekend, took him to dinner, he stored his stuff in my house and even stayed at my house. In all of this, I paid for everything. All the while I was still sending him my journals and telling him my problems. In my mind he was still my therapist.

We first crossed the major boundary the night before Thanksgiving in 2007 when we went out drinking and he got hammered. When I drove him home, we stayed up talking until after 3 am. That started a three year “friendship”. Multiple times I told him that it didn’t “feel” right, that I couldn’t separate the therapist from the “friend”. He would assure me that it was all in my head. And he was right, it was. In my head, I knew it was wrong. So I found another therapist to help me figure that out. She reported him to the licensing board. The state of Washington found that I was an “isolated incident, unlikely to happen again” so he can keep his practice. End of story. Except that it wasn’t.

For me, the loss of this person who had been so instrumental to me, who I had trusted without question, was psychologically and emotionally one of the most devastating ordeals of my life. I almost didn’t make it. It was with the help of a bunch of people from an online bike forum that I found my voice and my power again. I can never repay what they gave me, freely, without knowing me or expecting anything from me in return.

Needless to say, there have been some huge violations of trust for me from the mental health community. So what I am about to do scares the absolute daylights out of me. I have realized that, although I have the best life ever, there are a couple of areas that I could work on to make it even better. And I need some help with that. So I am leaping…I made an appointment and I am going back to therapy. This time, I am armed with knowledge of what therapy should and should not be. This time, I am going to therapy from a position of strength, not in a moment of weakness. I won’t allow myself to be preyed upon because I am not the same person anymore (thanks Matt for the reminder). It is time I learn how to trust again.

And so I am dancing… with the one that brung me… not the former exploitative therapist, but with the mental health care profession in general. I am taking the risk to be able to have the life I want. My goal is to be the person that I believe I am.

The 8 boxes…

Posted on December 15, 2013 by rangotti

Yesterday, I unpacked my suitcase for the first time since May. It was bittersweet, I hadn’t expected the mix of emotions it would bring. As I unpacked and put my stuff away in a new house, new room, I couldn’t help but remember my last apartment and the last time my clothes hung in a closet. I was a little overwhelmed by all the changes.

I think that not having a home to come back to made my time travelling both physically simple yet emotionally challenging at the same time. Travelling and knowing you have a familiar and comfortable place to come back to is very different from returning home to the unknown of having to find a place to live. Add on the fact that I gave up all my stuff, an act which was both freeing and yet again, ridiculously challenging emotionally, and it made coming home and unpacking my clothes this surreal experience. And yes, I found a great house and a super roommate. Now I just have to adjust to a totally new life.

For those of you that haven’t read the back story, when I gave up my apartment in May and then started traveling in June, rather than put things in storage for a year, I reduced all of my possessions from the last 50 years of my life to 8 boxes, my checked bag of clothes and a carry on, and some gear stored at a friends house (thanks Jason!). It was the hardest thing I have ever done. At least, it was the hardest thing I have ever done…until now.

Yesterday, I opened one of the 8 boxes. I had thought that it would be a fun adventure to see what I had saved. Instead, it felt more like opening Pandora’s Box. The box I happened to open had pictures of my kids, a wood bowl that my uncle made, a ceramic heart that my daughter made when she was in elementary school, a box my son brought back from Australia when he was a teenager. Similar to the experience of hanging my clothes in the closet, it was like a blast of memories rising up out of the cardboard. I took out the big pieces and set them on a shelf in my room and then closed the box without going through the pictures. I didn’t open the other boxes yet.

Today, my roommate and I are going to put up a Christmas tree. I took out the two boxes of ornaments that I had saved. Everyone that knows me, knows how much I used to love the spirit of Christmas. Those ornaments represent 50 years of family holiday memories. I have to admit, I am not sure I can open the boxes.

So what is my problem? I had this amazing experience over the past 6 months. I am a different person. I shed the memories of the past and stepped into my present and hopefully my future. I am happy and moving on. The problem is, I don’t want to go back to revisit the past at all, I want to avoid thinking about it and just continue on with my happy life. It isn’t that I want to erase it or forget it, it is all part of what made me who I am. I just want to keep moving forward. But there is one thing I know for certain, when something feels difficult and I don’t want to do it, that is the very thing that I need to do the most. The hard things show me what I still need to work on. Hmm it might be time for some brutal honesty here Robin. I hate it when I have to really reach inside for the hard emotional stuff. Okay here goes…

So I am looking at those boxes and part of me wishes I hadn’t saved anything… and that feels like a betrayal to all the people who gave things to me. For example, in one of those packing crates are the Shaker boxes that my dad made me before he died and I should feel excited to open them up. But instead, I am torn. On one hand, I have these possessions that have memories of the people I love attached to them, possessions like Shaker boxes and ceramic hearts from people like my dad or my kids. On the other hand, I have the memories and the love of the people, I don’t need “stuff” to feel that. In fact, somehow the “stuff” diminishes from that love. I guess what is confusing me is that, in the last 6 months, I have felt the love of the people in my life in a really powerful way and that couldn’t have happened with possessions detracting and getting in the way.

I guess when all the possessions in my life had been stripped away and all I had was the love of my family and friends, my whole life was just clearer and uncluttered. The love I experienced over the last half year felt like the pure essence of what we are as human beings. I want to make sure that I don’t lose that feeling in the trappings of “stuff” again. That is really what I am scared of. Because material things, even handmade Shaker boxes made with love from my dad, can never replace the time spent with the people I love and who love me. So even though I have those boxes, they aren’t more valuable than all the memories or the time I spent with my dad when he was alive. The mementos and things I have from my children aren’t anything compared to the time I have spent with them and the love that we share.

I guess I have come to understand how much of a distraction all the stuff we have really is. Obtaining and caring for possessions, working to pay for them, using them to substitute for emotions, buying things to fill voids in our lives, all those things distract us from what is really important in life which is loving the people in our lives and spending time with them. That is the greatest lesson I have learned and I never want to forget it again. That is what I don’t want to go back to. Ever.

So I guess I am scared that opening those boxes and reattaching to things will distract me from putting my emphasis on people. Today, opening those ornaments, is going to be a challenge, but I have to do it. Avoidance is never a solution. I just need to breathe, stay present, be aware and I can totally do this.

Saying thank you

Posted on December 10, 2013 by rangotti

When I was mired in my life-altering changes of moving 3000 miles away from my support system and getting divorced, I found keeping a “thank-you” journal useful in helping me see the world from a positive perspective rather than succumbing to negative thoughts. At the end of every day, I would write down 5 things I was thankful for. It was difficult when I first started but as I kept up the habit, I found that I would be mindful about things throughout the day that I was thankful for so that I had 5 things to write in my journal at night. It helped me to learn to be thankful for the small everyday moments that I sometimes took for granted.

Recently, I had the privilege and pleasure of visiting with my friend Marvin and his lovely wife Naomi in Boston. Marvin is one of my imaginary internet friends from my cycling forum and a teammate from Team Collin. I am always thankful for my internet friends and don’t tell them enough what they mean to me. They are men and women who have encouraged me, listened to me cry (virtually), stuck with me during the dark times, and helped me become the woman I am. Just like with any large group, you become closer to some people than you are to others. Those I am close to, I trust without question. Marvin is one of those people. He has stood by me even when I have tried to push away his friendship, listened with unconditional acceptance, given me fantastic advice, made me laugh, and is one of those rare people of impeccable integrity and honor. His lovely wife is just as amazing, intelligent, thoughtful and accepting as he is and I felt honored to finally meet her and get to know her. She is as fabulous as he has described.

Marvin and Naomi let me stay at their home and showed me the depth of their loving hospitality and I hope to return the favor someday when they come to Seattle. We had great conversations and fantastic food. Although I am a hopeless insomniac, I felt so comfortable at their home, I slept better than I have since I visited Len and Ella (also imaginary internet friends) last summer. I can’t thank them enough for all that they gave me.

Marvin and my other internet friends remind me of my brothers who are also men of incredible honor and integrity just like our dad was, it was how we were raised. I am currently staying at the home of my brother Rod and my beautiful sister-in-law Ada. Again, they have offered me their hospitality, warmth, acceptance and love. I can’t thank them enough. My sister-in-law also happens to be the best massage therapist I have ever had. She has such a depth of knowledge of her craft and can reduce me to feeling like an unraveled mitten in no time. Total bliss. Thanks Ada!

Aside from being blessed by their generosity, because I visited them back-to-back, I noticed the similarities in both Marvin & Naomi’s relationship and Rod & Ada’s. I was thankful to have the opportunity to watch both of these long term couples interact and it has given me insight into my relationships. There are few key elements in their relationships and the way they treat each other that stood out to me. In no particular order, these include respect, laughter, affection, appreciation/value, and trust:

Respect. Whether it is choosing a movie for date night or supporting the other in going back to get a massage therapy license, each of these two couples respected their partner’s opinion. There was no competition, no belittling, just an acceptance of the other as an equal being worthy of respect and working together as a team.
Laughter. They tease each other, laugh at each other’s foibles, and they know that the teasing from their partner is with love and free of malice. They have fun together.
Affection. They hold hands, look into each other’s eyes, stop to hug each other. There is a communication between them that requires no words. Daily intimacy is key in keeping their relationships alive.
Appreciation and value. They appreciate what the other does and value what they bring to their lives. Whether it is making dinner, doing laundry, giving a massage, allowing an out-of-town friend or relative to come visit, … whatever. Each partner, without the other present, would talk about how much they appreciate their mate, how being with them makes their lives better, and what a good person he/she is.
Trust. They trust each other with a tangible, fundamental trust that can’t be described. It is the backbone of their healthy relationships.

There are more intangibles that I can’t describe, these couples have been together for a long time, but those are the things that really struck me. And their relationships hold a mirror up for me for all my relationships, not just romantic ones. The people I keep in my life are people I respect and who show me respect in return. They are people who I can laugh and have fun with. They are people that give affection and who appreciate and value what I bring to their lives and in whom I value in return and who outwardly show that value and appreciation. They are people I can trust. Those things are all necessary elements of healthy relationships.

Reflecting on that made me feel pretty good about the relationships I have been cultivating. For a long time, I felt I had to be liked by everyone. I put everyone’s needs ahead of my own and would keep giving my heart to relationships with people that really weren’t into having a reciprocal relationship with me. That mentality allowed me to be taken advantage of in some pretty extreme ways. Now, basking in the love of the healthy relationships I have, it is easy to see how much my current relationships enrich my life and how destructive those former relationships were.

So thank you to Marvin & Naomi and Rod & Ada for allowing me to glimpse your lives. And thank you to all my wonderful friends and family. I appreciate you. You all add tremendous value to my life.

You just jump…

Posted on December 8, 2013 by rangotti

I have written about this before but after talking with some wonderful new old friends last night, I figured it was worth another post. Fear is the great equalizer.

There is a great quote, “the only thing you have to fear is fear itself”. That is so true, my adventures have helped me to realize that whatever it is I am scared of in life, the “thing” isn’t the scary part, it is my fear of the thing. And if I can push myself through whatever I am afraid of then I own it, it doesn’t own me anymore.

So many of my readers of this blog think I am this adventurous, courageous, kick-ass person. I want to make sure you all realize, I am a chubby, average, plain person. I am scared of the most ridiculous things just like everyone else is. The one difference is that I have reached a point where I refuse to let the fear of those things rule my life. My friend Tony once described how I face fears. He said, “It is like you are climbing the ladder on the high dive. You complain and whine the whole way up about how you can’t do it. Then when you get to the top, with no fanfare, no agonizing… you just jump”. And that pretty much describes it. The initial whining and complaining is how I work my way though my fear and then, about the time my friends are ready to strangle me, I say “screw it” and just do it.

My friend Don4 once said “life is a gift, live it”. You can’t let fear rule your one ride on this planet. You have to live each day as if it were a gift and honor that gift to its fullest potential. When I was 44 and had just moved to Seattle, newly separated from a marriage that lasted over half my life and struggling to figure out what to do, my brother Rod said something to me that I remind myself of everyday. He said “Robin, you’ve got 30 more years. If there is something you want to do, you need to do it now, because when you are 74 you aren’t going to want to be whitewater kayaking or riding a mountain bike. You can either be like our mother who is constantly complaining about all she didn’t get to do and wishes she had or you can be talking about all the adventures that you did do”. Those words have stuck with me. Now at 50, I have 25 more years to get it done. I don’t have time to waste on fear holding me back.

Last night, I did something that was really scary. I went to a party with some people I hadn’t seen in 34 years since I left the small town I grew up in. Let me tell you, high school isn’t for everyone and it definitely wasn’t for me. I think, out of a graduating class of about 120, my class rank was in the 80’s. I didn’t put a whole lot of effort into being anything but a screw up. So there wasn’t really any reason that these people should accept me at all. And I was terrified. If I had allowed that fear to control what I did, then I wouldn’t be in Maine right now looking out at the beautiful sunrise over the river and I wouldn’t have had a chance to see my family. But even more tragically, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to reconnect with some absolutely amazing people that I got to talk to last night. I would have missed lots of laughter, funny glasses, and amazing stories. My only regret was not having time to have really deep conversations with all of them.

The people I got to spend the most time with were simply amazing. They are people of passion, they love their jobs, their families, and their communities. They have so much heart and compassion for the people and the world around them. They work hard and they play hard. They live their lives in ways that suck the marrow right out of the bones of life, no holes barred, open, authentic and absolutely wonderful. I couldn’t help but just be honored to be able to talk to them all. Thanks Kirk for the invite, it was a privilege to be able to see you all once again.

The lesson here for anyone that needs it… just jump. Do whatever you need to get up the ladder of the “fear” high dive: whine, cry, get angry, whatever you have to do. But once you reach the top… just jump. Don’t let fear ruin your opportunity to live your life on your own terms. What is the worst that could happen? Last night, if I hadn’t liked the party or if someone had said something untoward, I would have just left. Simple as that. But if you don’t try, you will never find those people who are meant to be in your life or who are meant to influence your life.

We have to put ourselves out into the world authentically as who we are. Those who want to be part of our lives will gravitate towards us, interested in us. Those who don’t just aren’t interested and that is okay. Not everyone is going to be interested, just like not everyone is interested in football or knitting. We all have different preferences. Why would we want people in our lives that really aren’t interested in the authentic people that we are? Why would we want people in our lives that we always have to be someone we aren’t just to get them to stay? Why would we want to waste so much of our precious gift of life and time on this earth in that kind of unhealthy relationship? Yet we do it all the time. I am guilty of it also. I have wasted years on one-sided, unhealthy friendships.

Just put yourself out there. Go to a restaurant, bring a book, or just sit at the bar and people watch and talk to the bartender. Go to a park and sit with the sunshine on your face enjoying nature around you. Take a class, learn someone new, maybe something you are even a little scared to try. Talk to your classmates, listen to them. Find the ones you gravitate toward and establish friendships. If they don’t reciprocate, they just weren’t the right person, let it go and move on to the next.

Last night I asked several people my two questions that I like to ask people when I meet them: 1) What do you want me to know about who you are? and 2) what don’t you want me to know? The people that can answer both those questions from their heart, risking the vulnerability for me to see inside their passions and their darkest fears, those are the people I gravitate toward. And last night, they answered my questions with amazing honesty and forthrightness. And I was honored and blessed to hear their stories. Thanks everyone!

Adventure of the day…

Posted on December 3, 2013 by rangotti

Sorry for being so absent about writing this blog. I have been distracted by having adventures with a beautiful set of two-and-a half-year-old twins.

I have mentioned that for a long time I was stuck in longing for my old life back. Even though I kept plodding along seemingly moving forward with my life, my heart was still wrapped in memories of the past. To those looking from the outside, it might seem like that time of longing was wasted, but it wasn’t. Everything is a process. For me, letting go of my life took a period of grieving and mourning. It took me a while to go through that process but it was absolutely necessary to be able to actually move on. Even when I was mired in that process and it seemed like I was stuck, I have come to realize that I didn’t keep standing still and I am proud of that. I made some mistakes, had some successes, and even though my heart was caught up in another time, I kept moving forward regardless. Or maybe, it was just that my friends kept shoving me forward but either way the result has been the same. Here I am.

Today, I am packing to leave my son’s house after a lovely visit with my son and his beautiful wife and the two most amazing grandchildren in the whole world (I might have mentioned that before). Although I am sad to be leaving, this time it isn’t the soul-sucking sadness that it has been in the past where I was pining for my life back. This time, it is different. I know that I will wrap these memories up from this visit and all the love they contain and I will keep them close to my heart while I am living the life I am in right now at this moment, confident that I always have the love of my family. And I know that someday soon, Patrick, Heather, Brooklyn, and Charlotte are going to come to visit me in Seattle and we will make a whole host of new memories.

So I am heading to Boston to visit some friends and play tourist in a city that I have loved since I was a teenager in New England. Then I am heading to Maine to see my family and to do something that I never ever thought I would do. I am going to go to a party where I will see all my friends from high school that I haven’t seen in 33 years. I have had a few pangs of trepidation, wondering what to heck I am doing that for, but then I realize it is a great story collecting opportunity. And that is what life is, a collection of stories.

You see, high school isn’t for everyone and it certainly wasn’t a great time for me. Having been the victim of an early sexual assault as a pre-teen, I turned to drugs and alcohol at a very young age because I didn’t know how to handle the emotions of what had happened to me. My parents went through a difficult divorce, my dad remarried, and I just spiraled out of control. So my memories of high school and my friends memories of me aren’t the greatest. I wasn’t a very nice person. But here is the thing…I am not that girl anymore.

So I get to go back and meet these people again. I am a new person and so are they. We get to laugh and enjoy each other’s company. I will get to hear their stories of how their lives have evolved; stories of love and loss, joy and heartbreak. I want to listen and understand who they are as people. I want to know what touches their soul. It is an opportunity to make new friends all over again. So even with my moments of trepidation, I find that I am really looking forward to the opportunity. I want to see them with new eyes and an open heart and hopefully, they will be able to look at me the same way.

Then, after spending some time with my extraordinary brothers and their families, I am heading back to Seattle to see my beautiful daughter and her amazing partner Ethan and their new puppy. I am going to visit with my friends and do some skiing and spend Christmas at Tony and Ken’s beautiful home. I get to ride my bike and talk math education with Keri. I have to say, I am looking forward to being back in Seattle.

Everything is different. It is like my life is brand new. Every day is an adventure.

Life Divided by Zero

The Journey of Becoming Undefined

Category Archives: Relationships