The best kind of guide…

Posted on November 23, 2013 by rangotti

A few years ago, the day after I took my first and only powder skiing lesson and while I was still only a comfortable blue run skier, my friend Matt and I went up to Stevens Pass where, on the first run of the day after a foot of new snow, Matt suggests we go up Seventh Heaven, an ungroomed, black diamond run. Matt, with his usual encouragement says “Robin, you can totally do this, I will stay right beside you the whole time”. We get off the chair at the top, Matt straps his boots into his snowboard and he is gone…I got down that mountain by myself solely for the purpose of wringing his neck when I finally got to the bottom. His response to me, “but you did it, and now you know you can do it again”. I swear I don’t know why I listen to that kid sometimes.

When Matt suggested I come to Nepal, his words were “come to Nepal, I will be your guide. You just get here, I will take care of the rest”. Yeah, I still haven’t learned yet. When I got to Nepal, as typical of the way he “guides” me, he starts off by getting us a bus ride to Pokhara where he asks me, “did you get a hotel room”? Hmmm…. is this part of the “you’ll take care of everything plan?”. Typically, it was like that with everything that happened in the two weeks I was there. The kid had no plan at all… or did he? I joked with him one day and asked exactly what “kind of guide he was” since he pretty left me to figure everything out on my own and to handle all the crises that came up. His answer: “I am the best kind of guide”. I am still trying to figure out whether the boy is a brilliant or just an accidental genius. Either way, once again, it worked.

But it takes coming home to truly realize how far you’ve come. The greatest gift of travel isn’t the adventure, new countries, languages, foods, customs, etc… or all the things that traveling brings. Those are all great but are only part of the real gift of travel. The real gift is returning home, forever changed. I am very proud of where I am at this moment.

So where am I? Physically, I recently returned to my son’s home in North Carolina to spend Thanksgiving (American) with my son and my lovely daughter-in-law and the two most amazing grandchildren ever, Brooklyn and Charlotte.

I have been here less than 48 hours and I am already amazed at how I feel. In the past, when I visited my son, who lives in my former marital home, I was always bombarded with memories and thoughts of how life “should have worked out for me”. I had always expected to be living in this house, happily married to the man I loved, celebrating holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas with our children and grandchildren coming to visit us. I would ride past the university I went to and used to teach for and just be overwhelmed with missing the friends I had, the job I was great at, the life I loved, all of it. I would long for my past life back. I hadn’t realized how much that longing was holding me back until now.

The night I cried to Matt in Nepal, something changed in me. Maybe it was the yoga and meditation or maybe it was the stark conditions of the country and pushing myself through physical difficulty and preserving. Maybe it was the spiritual nature of hiking up to the World Peace Pagoda or up to the top of Sarankot or maybe it was the awe-inspiring site of looking out at the Himalayas which is a sight I will never forget as long as I live. Maybe it happened while I as paragliding with vultures or when I fell off the side of the cliff and was hanging by the vegetation and lost my shoes and had to walk back to my hotel barefoot. Maybe it happened through just overcoming obstacles and crises and realizing that I could face any challenge on my own. Regardless, sometime during that time, something changed.

I knew I felt different when I left Nepal and went to Barcelona, I just didn’t realize how different I was until I came back into the familiar environment in which I spent almost half my life. The familiarity of that world was in stark contrast to the person I have become. Now, I sit in this house and it glows with the energy and vitality of my grandchildren and the love my son and his wife share. I got to meet my ex-husband’s lovely and charming girlfriend and watch them interact with my two beautiful granddaughters who love them dearly. I couldn’t help but feel joy in my heart for all of it, for such a loving and happy family. It is something I never could have imagined over the darkness of the past 6 years.

I look around this place where I used to live. I have appreciated the beautiful changing seasons, the friendliness of the people, the beauty of the campus and know that I hold no attachment to it other than in appreciation of the memories of all the wonderful times I spent here. It was a wonderful place to raise two beautiful, well-adjusted children, and where I had the opportunity for an amazing career teaching high school and the start of my college teaching career. It is a place where I had spectacular friends and experiences, and where I loved and laughed and lived over half of my life.

Life is sweet, all of it, the good and the bad. Because of everything that happened, my beautiful daughter got to finish college, start a great career, and meet her amazing partner Ethan. Everything that happened gave me an opportunity to fall in love with the PNW and all the remarkable treasures that area of the world holds. It gave me the chance to reach down into the most creative part of myself and take risks in my career. It has given me a wealth of new experiences and friends that I never would have otherwise met.

I am more centered, happy, confident, peaceful, and accepting than I have ever been in my whole life. Traveling and returning home has made me that much more aware of how great a gift my life has been.

Namaste

Asking the wrong question…

Posted on November 18, 2013 by rangotti

It kind of sucks when I have been on sabbatical now for five months and just realized I have been searching for answers to the wrong questions.

I keep asking myself who do I want to be? What I have realized is that identity isn’t about my choices, my choices are going to be sometimes good and sometimes not so good, but they don’t define who I am. Identity is about my essence as a human being. That essence isn’t going to change. I am not going to suddenly stop caring about people or stop being the positive, loving, warm, compassionate, reflective, thoughtful person that I am. That is the essence of who I am and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

The other question I have been asking myself is what would make me happy. Today while I have been in Barcelona, I have enjoyed visiting two places which Antoni Gaudi was the architect. My plan was to visit Casa Batllo, Sagrada Familia, and then walk over to Parc Guell but I didn’t make it. The rain, my earache, and my exhaustion did me in before the last 2+ mile walk to Parc Guell.

What I realized at Casa Batllo was that Gaudi was a genius as an architect and also was one of the most creative risk-takers the planet has ever seen. I was captivated by the brilliance and non-traditional style of his work. I tried to picture what it must have been like to live in Casa Batllo. Nothing in our square line architecture can prepare us for how different it must have been to have a house that was patterned after sea creatures. I couldn’t decide if it felt more like a hobbit house or like something from The Little Mermaid. On one hand, it must have seemed strange and gotten old. But on the other, I can see where the family might have grown to love it. Either way, it was magnificent and certainly one of the most creative works I have ever seen. I am not sure I could have given it up to turn it into the museum it is now.

After leaving there in the persistent downpour Barcelona has experienced for the last three days, I headed to the Basilica Sagrada Familia. I stopped for lunch along the way to dry off and have some yummy jamon and queso and beer. I was glad I had the sustenance in me in order to walk the last couple of miles in the rain.

Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, could have prepared me for what I was about to see when I got to the church (photos below). I figured I had seen enough Spanish churches that I would be impressed but not shocked from every sense in my body. The outside was shrouded in construction apparatus so I wasn’t impressed yet. Then I walked into the finished interior. I grew up Catholic, but left the church a long time ago. But I have to admit, in that instant, I was once again proud to be Catholic. And for the first time in what seems like forever, I found myself praying.

I could post a few of the hundreds of pictures I took, but none are going to do justice to the size and scope and the overwhelming sensory experience that is the Sagrada Familia. It effected all of my senses and was an completely immersive, emotional experience like nothing I have ever felt before. It was Gaudi’s crowning achievement. He spent 14 years of his life on the project until he was tragically hit by a tram in 1926. The project is still only 60% completed. The interior was finished and dedicated by Pope Benedict XVI in 2010. The exterior is still under construction.

What struck me as I stood there is that Gaudi believed in what he was doing enough to devote his life to the project. He paid attention to the detail in every curve, hyperbola, and trigonometric function. His heart is in the enormous columns that were inspired by trees, in the spiral staircases, statues, arcs and apexes, Gaudi’s commitment, desire, spirituality, and sheer creativity and inspiration comes to life in that structure. I was struck by the question of what does it take to have that level of commitment to something? I was literally standing there with tears running down my face and all that is going through my head.

That is when I realized I have been asking myself the wrong question. The question isn’t what will make me happy… the question I should be asking is what is important enough to sacrifice for? What is important enough to suffer for? It is kind of like losing weight. If it is important enough to devote hours to the gym and focus on diet, you will do it. Or getting a degree, if it is important enough to you, you will do whatever it takes to achieve that goal. Whatever you will give your time and effort to, sacrifice and suffer for is where your heart is. So the question is, what are you willing to suffer for?

In my life, I have always had something I had to work really hard and put in effort for. I got a degree so I could take care of my family, National Board certification so I could teach my students well and take care of my family, a PhD so I could have a better career and teach my students better and take care of my family, paying off debt so I could take care of my family…I am seeing a pattern here. All of those things were worth working for, my family was worth working for. But my kids are grown, the husband is gone, the only person that needs me is me, and that feels different. When I had them, when I had a cause, I worked so hard. I haven’t had a cause in over a year and I have been adrift trying to find purpose for my life. But I have been asking the wrong question to find my answers. Instead of asking what will make me happy, I need to ask what will I be willing to put in the effort for? What am I willing to work that hard for, to sacrifice for? Because ultimately, where we are willing to put in the effort, that is where our heart is.

I leave Barcelona and have one more stop in Zürich before I get back to the U.S. for awhile to regroup with my family and do a little skiing with my friends. I have a lot to think about after this trip. I have a lot of unanswered questions still.

Caveat: I have about 500 photos from today. My camera battery is dead and I just grabbed a few. They aren’t the best and this was just my point and shoot not my good camera.

Finding the lesson

Posted on November 16, 2013 by rangotti

Thanks to Matt (the other one) for the guest blog post. Between the inconsistent internet in Nepal and traveling, I have had trouble keeping up with blogging so I really appreciated him stepping in. I especially want to say to Matt, thank you for speaking from your heart. It is hard to let yourself be vulnerable and write what you feel for the internet to see. It is like exposing your insides. It takes courage and authenticity. You did it very well. If I haven’t said it before, thank you for your support during that time in my life. I am not sure how I would have done it without you. And those were my favorite shorts, btw. I can’t believe I let you talk me into getting rid of them!!!!!

I am not sure what my motivation was for going to Nepal and altering my trip to Spain, I guess I just reacted to an opportunity that presented itself. But whatever the motivation was, I have absolutely no regrets about going. The experience increased my confidence in myself and my ability to handle most situations calmly and without worrying and for that alone, it would have been worth it. To go with no plan and just take life’s experiences as they happened was a very eye opening experience for someone who has always been a planner. It was totally spontaneous and joyful.

This post was going to be about all that I learned in Nepal. Yet just typing that last paragraph made me think about my former marriage. Maybe there is a lesson I am supposed to be learning that I haven’t seen yet. It is interesting, when we went to marriage therapy, my ex and I had to meet with the marriage therapist and we had to tell him our goals for therapy, i.e. what we hoped to get out of it. My ex’s goal was for me to be more spontaneous. I think this trip shows that I have pretty much reached that goal. My goal was to have a partner, someone who would be honest with me about the good and the bad, letting me help in times of struggle and celebrate his successes in times of joy. Someone who wouldn’t just run away and check out like he did when things were hard, because he was too intimidated by my success to tell me of his troubles. That still holds true of what I want in a partner today. A partnership is about communicating the good and the bad to your mate, letting them see who you are, letting them stand beside you, supporting each other in all things, cheering each other on, encouraging each other. At least that is what a partnership means to me.

After typing all that, I was going to rewrite this post with its intended focus of all the great things I learned from my trip. It is not quite 5 am here in Barcelona and it is pouring outside, I am a little sick and a little jet-lagged. And it just hit me that it is Nov 17. Five years ago on this day, a judge signed a decree and pronounced me a single woman after being happily married over half my life.

Letting go is hard. That is my lesson for today.

From a friend…

Posted on November 15, 2013 by rangotti

Greetings from Wichita Falls, TX!

The first time I met Robin was in a bar in Paso Robles, CA. Although I had never met her (we began our friendship online), I felt I knew her well. In the heat of my impending divorce, she became one of my closest pen pals, offering emotional support and advice to get through the turmoil that had replaced what I thought was a very good life. Little did I know that meeting her would change how I live and redefine my personality.

It all started with a sexy black dress. That black dress revealed an artistic truth (her tattoo) I was unaware of. I don’t know what I expected, but the person I met was both exactly who I thought she was and someone completely different than anticipated. With a warm hug, the Internet personality was replaced by a living, breathing individual possessing warmth, depth, and vulnerability. I do not believe she realized this at the time, but she instantly became one of my most cherished friends. We mingled throughout the bar that night, meeting people from various parts who came together for the joy of cycling. What struck me the most was how engaged Robin was in every conversation. She listened to everyone, invested 100% in the subject matter at hand. Robin’s sincerity was new to me. I began to realize that most of the people I knew – colleagues, friends, etc. – just did not possess the emotional investment in others that Robin invests. In a word, I immediately trusted her.

After some great riding, we gathered as a group to celebrate the day’s events. I remember feeling isolated. I am a large guy, a former football player, not exactly the typical cyclist. I felt out of place. Sitting on the steps of the porch, drinking a beer, Robin came over, sat down beside me, and we quickly moved into a deep conversation, relaying our fears, our hurt, and how we planned on moving on. I don’t remember exactly how it happened, but she mentioned her sabbatical, a yearlong event that was to be an awakening, an exploration of the world. As I often do, I offered to help her move out of her apartment, even though I lived 1200 miles away. I really didn’t think she would take me up on the offer. But she did. A few weeks later, I was in Seattle (my favorite city), immersed in Robin’s life…. and her stuff. Between eating great food, seeing her favorites spots, and meeting her wonderful friends and family, we went through all of her possessions, slowly purging all of the things that were a part of a former life. In the end, everything that she owned was in a small corner of a one-bedroom apartment. Her purge was truly impressive.

The purging process was at times very emotional, and other times, funny as hell. (Robin: remember the jean shorts argument?) Most of all, it was courageous. Robin’s courage to change EVERYTHING in her life, to move on from the shackles of a former existence, impressed upon me how much metaphorical baggage we carry. This is not to say there was no fear; she commented many times how she didn’t believe she could do it. Yet, she never wavered from her commitment to see it through. Robin’s belief in herself and her ability to rise above fear should never be underestimated. She once said to me that it isn’t about the absence of fear, but the acceptance of fear, fear that is a natural part of who we are.

As I have moved into a new job, new city, new relationship, a new design for how I plan to live my life, I cannot thank Robin enough for her influence on me and on the lives of others. In reality, she helped save me from myself. I volunteered to help write a blog entry before I actually thought it through. I didn’t think she would hop on board with it so quickly. And while I feel my life is rather mundane in comparison to Robin’s experiences, I thought this would be a great opportunity to explain to her how much her friendship means to me, and that, while absent physically, those who read this blog travel with her in spirit. Robin has lived more in the past year than most do in a lifetime, sharing her experiences and vulnerability without succumbing to the fear, and for that, Robin, I thank you. I am humbled and can only hope I live up to the standard which you have set.

Matt (the other one)

You have to believe it from the inside

Posted on November 7, 2013 by rangotti

It is funny, I usually am trying to think about what to blog that would be of interest to the people reading this. Today someone made the comment about how “same” my posts have become. Hmm…maybe there are some of those repeat lessons I have learned, you know, the ones life tries to hit you in the head with over and over but you don’t listen? Yeah, I have a lot of those. Maybe, it takes me so long because although externally and intellectually, I have heard the lesson, I haven’t yet reached the point where I own it, where I believe it emotionally, where I believe it on the inside.

I met a great couple at dinner tonight. The wife is a yoga instructor and as we had a conversation about class tomorrow, I made one of those comments about not having practiced in awhile, being out of shape, not being athletic, not flexible enough, too fat, etc etc etc…the tape that plays in my head over and over when faced with anything physical. See, here is the thing, we all have that tape, something that tells us that we aren’t good enough. Mine is not being athletic and/or not being pretty enough. She said it doesn’t matter, it isn’t about being “good”, it is about believing it from the inside, it has to come from your heart or why even bother doing it? Otherwise, it is just work. That is what this post is about.

Things I have been learning – a summary of the last 6 months

Traveling: I hate traveling. I hate living out of suitcases. I hate the feeling of having to keep up with my passport or having to worry that, if it gets lost, of not being allowed back into my own country. I hate worrying about details. I hate the feeling of trying to figure out where I am when I have no maps, there are no street signs, and I don’t speak the language. But as challenging as I find traveling and as much as I dislike those inconveniences, I also love the knowledge that traveling gives a person in life.

Culture is a very important thing and I am not minimizing it. But when you strip away culture, we are all human beings. People love, laugh, get angry, hurt, sleep, eat, need…no matter what culture they are from. As you see other people in other places, once you get over the shock of a different culture, you recognize that the underlying humanity is all the same. Love and acceptance of other people is what binds us all together.

The other thing I get from traveling is that, when I travel and am out of my comfort zone, the sounds are different, the colors are different, the smells are different, and the routine is different. All my senses are on heightened awareness. Every cell in my body comes alive.

Lesson learned: If you are stuck in a rut, putting yourself in a scary situation is one of the best ways to get out of it. All our excuses of not being good enough, thin enough, athletic enough, social enough, whatever… are just excuses. It might not feel good or comfortable, but when you get through it, you will not only have more confidence, you will feel more totally alive. You see the world around you from a very different perspective. But you have to move out of your comfort zone. That doesn’t necessarily mean traveling, but it means facing fears head on from the inside, because that is where fear lives.

Friendships: I am in Nepal right now with my friend Matt, who I have blogged about a lot so I won’t go into another Matt story (although I have several). Because we are such unlikely friends (gender and age differences), a lot of people ask us how we met and are interested in our friendship. I always tell them that sometimes the universe gives you a gift, and my gift when I was struggling to get through a divorce and learn how to be alone again was Matt. We are only friends, but every 40 something woman getting divorced should have a platonic friendship with a younger person who can teach her how to play again after a lifetime of responsibility to a husband, children, home, job, etc. Someone who can teach her how to put herself first.

But it isn’t a one way street. I haven’t been the only one to benefit from that relationship, Matt has too. He has had the benefit of being a young person and having role reversal of an older person treating him as wise, to listen to him, to take his advice. And he has asked for my advice too and I have been the one to listen or to be there for him when he needed me. I don’t talk about those times because those are Matt’s stories to tell, not mine. Someone tonight told me that I should write a book about this experience, but for the first time, they also told Matt that he should write it with me, because friendship doesn’t just go one way.

Lesson learned: Tennyson said it best “I am a part of all I have met”. Every person we meet has an effect on us, and we on them. And it doesn’t matter if we think we are strong enough, thin enough, athletic enough… whatever, we still have the power to influence all that we meet. To think that we don’t have an influence on the people around us with what we say or do and that we have no responsibility to people other than ourselves is crazy. Every person, even the beggar on the street who asked us for change has impacted us somehow. The opposite, to believe that we influence others yet somehow others don’t influence us in return, is also incredibly unrealistic. We are all changed by encountering and knowing other people. All of us have that power to give and receive to all the people that we meet. We have to ask ourselves, what are we giving? And what are we receiving from those encounters? Whether they are positive or negative is in our control and that control happens on the inside.

I have learned that the planet is a very, very small place and that our actions have consequences. People’s lives can be enhanced or diminished by our actions and we have to take responsibility for those actions. In return, our lives can also be enhanced by those interactions.

Flying with Kevin, the Egyptian vulture

Adventure: I have had my share of adventure. Yesterday, I got to paraglide with an Egyptian vulture who flew before me finding the thermals of air and then would come eat buffalo meat off my hand (yes while in the air) as a reward. It was pretty amazing. Add to that, I had a view of the Himalayas in the background and it went from amazing to spectacular.

Today, I got to go to a “vulture restaurant” where, as part of a conservation effort to help the vulture population which has been suffering in Asia, a cow which had died of natural causes was skinned and left out for the vultures to feed. I got to watch the whole thing from the skinning to feeding and it was one of the most incredible sights I have ever witnessed. Whoever could have imagined how simultaneously majestic and awkward vultures can be? From the huge Himalayan griffins to the Egyptian vultures, the feeding was one of the most intense experiences of nature I have ever witnessed. The cow was picked clean within 60 minutes, an entire cow. It was like being straight in National Geographic live.

Kevin

The thing about vultures, is a lot of people think they are ugly. But if you have ever watched one soar on thermals, they are some of the most majestic birds you will ever watch. And they have value and purpose. If you take the vultures out of the ecosystem like in Asia where they have been dying, the purpose they served which is to get rid of waste gets filled by something else, dogs for example. In our minds, vultures are scary ugly creatures and dogs are happy creatures so this seems like a good thing, right? But unlike vultures, dogs bring and spread diseases which affect humans. They have litters of pups which then attract the jaguars from the hills for puppy snacks, but human children aren’t any different from puppies so then jaguars are killing humans too. So the absence of the vultures means that the whole balance of life is upset. And the reality is, vultures have a bad rap for being “ugly” just because we don’t like what they do. But they are actually beautiful birds if you look at them closely. And you just have to watch one fly, to effortlessly glide on a thermal better than just about any bird out there, well…not only are they useful, they are some of the most beautiful creatures on the planet.

Lesson learned: So many times in life, the tape plays in our heads: I am not good enough, strong enough, or athletic enough. I am too fat, thin, ugly, shy, I am not….enough. Just like with the vultures, all of us, every single human being is both majestic and awkward at the same time. It is what makes us uniquely who we are. And we are all absolutely valuable parts of the system of our lives. We have value. Regardless of what anyone says about us or to us or how anyone judges us on being too fat, ugly, thin, dumb, not socially acceptable in whatever sphere we are in…we have value. So let’s change the tape, push eject and put in a new one. We, no matter how we are judged for outward appearance, have value and we are beautiful. And it has no bearing on how smart, thin, athletic, rich, popular, young, or anything else other people perceive you to be. That beauty and value comes from the inside

My take away from all of this: We are all a vital part of the world around us. We are all part of all who we have met…. and they are part of us. What diminishes one, diminishes all. What enhances one, enhances us all. To diminish or judge others, we are actually diminishing and judging ourselves. To compare ourselves to others, when we have our own unique place in the system, is to diminish our own worth and value. You have to believe it from the inside.

In 12 days, I will be home and I get to see Brooklyn and Charlotte. Life is good.

Namaste

Like the layers of an onion…

Posted on October 31, 2013 by rangotti

I am always amazed when life lets me hear exactly what I need to hear exactly at the moment I need and am ready to hear it. I don’t know why that amazes me because it happens all the time. For me, it happens when I feel like I have reached the bottom. Maybe that is the only time in my life that I stop struggling and just let go trying to control everything and just allow myself to BE. That is when I can hear what I need to hear.

It was funny, I had been stressing about filling up the next two weeks in Andalucía for the last two weeks. Nothing I tried to book worked, from my B&B reservations that got cancelled, to my debit card not working to book my train tickets, etc. If all those frustrating things hadn’t happened, I would still be miserably stressing over how to fill up my days. Because of my frustration, I lamented that to Matt in a message a few days ago and he said, “come to Nepal” and I said, “if I can work the details out I will”. After all the frustration I had in Spain, I thought there was no way in hell I would be able to organize a trip to Nepal in 3 days, I hadn’t even been able to get a hotel room in Granada. Yet amazingly, all the plans just fell into place, like this was exactly what I was supposed to do at this moment. Funny how that happens.

Now I sit here, all checked in for tomorrow’s early morning flight. I have to admit, I am looking forward to seeing my friend even just for a couple of days.

I process things in a cyclical fashion, maybe we all do. It is like a spiral, where I go round and round with an issue, thinking I have got it solved, until it rears its head again. Only when I look at it closely, it isn’t quite the same, it is better than it was, just not finished yet. And it keeps spiraling around and around getting tighter and tighter, kind of like being caught in a whirlpool or a black hole, until all of a sudden, it is actually gone and isn’t an issue anymore. In this case, my struggle has been with the same old thing that I have been whining about for months, maybe years… my attachment to the past and the way life “should” be.

And then, a couple of days ago, this is what someone told me about my “stuckness”:

Start with what is clogging you up, figure out what isn’t relevant to your life or is harmful to your well-being. If it is still there, there is a reason. Find it, learn that reason and then find another way to acquire that need and then get rid of what isn’t relevant. When that thing is out of your life, look again at what is holding you back. Layer by layer, like the layers of an onion, peel away what is in your life by habit that serves you no purpose, refine what is left so you understand what’s their use. In the end it should get very slim.

Remember you are not letting go of the love or the lessons, only the attachment. Some people need to stay in your life, not because of your need but theirs. Some people need to go, not because you don’t love them but because they aren’t good for you or you for them. Be gentle but strong, lovingly push them away, send them with good wishes and a prayer but walk away. By giving people their freedom and letting go of things you find your own freedom, even though it is the last thing you planned.

Yeah… that did it. I felt like I had been shot from a proverbial cannon. What hit me was that is what I have been doing ever since I started this journey when I started giving up all my stuff. I have been methodically peeling away all the layers. With each challenge I have faced, I am more and more exposed to the core of what I am. There is nothing left to hide behind. I have finally reached the really, really hard internal attachments that I still cling to. And basically, I am stuck because I don’t really want to face them. I have been blaming the lack of home and physical possessions, but it isn’t the “stuff”… things like money and furniture… where I am stuck is my story and who I believe I am and the disconnect between that and who I want to be.

I knew this would be the hardest part. And it is. It makes giving up my physical stuff from my apartment look like it was a walk in the park. Yikes. I will say it again, because I personally need the reminder, life is exactly as it should be.

It is not the change we fear, it is the unknown

Posted on October 25, 2013 by rangotti

Traveling by oneself is a tremendous opportunity for growth. It is also ridiculously scary, a little lonely, yet absolutely rewarding. I remember two weeks ago, in Seattle, I was terrified and almost paralyzed over trying to figure out how to get all my stuff in a carry-on bag and instead having to check a bag because of my bike gear. I was scared and didn’t want to leave my friends and the safety of the known, even though I was floundering in that situation and not making any progress with moving forward in my life. And traveling is stressful, even though it is a good thing. It is stressful even when you are traveling with a tour group, your family and friends, even just in your own country. Traveling by yourself, in a country where you don’t speak the language, with no reservations, no hotels, not even any itinerary, with no one with you to help you negotiate things adds a whole different layer of stress. What ends up happening, if you allow it to, is the stress of it can overwhelm you and suck the fun right out of what you are trying to do. At that point, somewhere, you have to step back and just let it all go.

Two weeks ago, leaving Seattle with no plans and no agenda, I was totally stressed out. I displaced the aggression from that stress on those around me, on the people that love me the most. We have all done it, rolled our stress onto those around us. As we get overwhelmed and internalize, it is like a dam holding water back, when the emotional pressure gets too great, it will come out. And it flows downhill to those relationships we know where our fear of losing them is the lowest, to the people we trust will be there and won’t leave us. Controlling the stress rollover and being open and honest with my fears and emotions is probably one of the things I could work on that would help my relationships the most. Thankfully, most of my friends know me and know my intentions and what my fears are. When I roll my stress onto them they come back at me in ways that relieve that stress, with humor and love. I owe them.

So here I sit, four more weeks to go. I have lost about 5 pounds from the physical activity here in Mallorca. I am tan and rested. I am leaving Mallorca tomorrow for the unknown of Madrid. No friends around to help me figure things out or relieve my stress. I have been sitting here in a lovely coffee shop, with a view of the beach and the Mediterranean Sea, trying to make reservations while worrying about what to do with the bike gear I have and the checked bag I will be carrying around. Shipping the bike gear back to the US from Spain is problematic because things don’t get there and it is about three times more expensive than just checking an extra bag. It isn’t worth it for the convenience of moving around the country with a lighter load. One of the lessons I have learned from this trip is not to try to combine activities. If I come for a cycling holiday, that is all it needs to be. Adding on 4 weeks of just casually roaming around Europe is an entirely different bag of clothes, literally.

As I head off into the unknown, I can feel the fear churning in my gut. How will I maneuver around Madrid to get to the apartment I rented? I have the public transportation schedule but have these bags. The place I rented is in a pedestrian only area so a cab is problematic and exorbitant. Where will I go after I leave Madrid? How will I get there? ARRRGGGGHHHH…..after a while, the questions just overwhelm me and it is in that overwhelmed state that I have to deal with it on my own, in a way that is constructive. That is where the real learning is happening for me. It doesn’t come from having a perfectly planned trip. The learning happens when my gut is churning with the fear of the unknown, when I have to negotiate and make decisions in the moment without just being able to rest in the comfort and safety of what I know. And it isn’t easy. It is however, priceless.

When I started reflecting on that, I realized that in Mallorca, I negotiated public transportation in Spanish just fine. Only once did I get off the bus at the wrong stop. When I did and realized it, I took it as a sign that I needed to see what that unexpected neighborhood had to offer. I ended up in a neighborhood with no English speakers and had to order my lunch in Spanish. I had a lovely lunch, then I got on the bus again and got off at the right stop. No problem. So what am I worrying about now? The reality is there is no reason to worry. Ultimately, I am going to drag my backpack and my checked bag onto the public transportation system in Madrid and hope I don’t get robbed. Simple. I either will make it to where I am trying to go or I will make it somewhere else. Either I will have all my belongings with me or I won’t. That is the part that makes it an adventure.

Transition times of our lives are rough. Everyone thinks that making a change is scary. It isn’t the change, it is the unknown that the change will bring. In order to get to the place where the fear isn’t taking over, I have to embrace the very unknown that is the source of the fear. Which means letting go of worry and expectations for what might happen. What will happen will happen. Worrying about it just takes away from the joy I get to experience right now.

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. ~Helen Keller

What’s life without the crazy? ~OEH

Posted on October 12, 2013 by rangotti

I went on a bike ride the other day with a friend. After being off the bike since July except for a couple of rides, I have lost all my base fitness that I had this spring so I am fat, slow, and can’t climb for anything. Tomorrow, I am leaving for Spain to ride with a bunch of men who either ride all the time or are professional cyclists. I am going to get my ass handed to me every day for 12 days. And I paid to do it. What to hell was I thinking?

After I finish cycling, I am spending the next 3 weeks going somewhere in Spain, but I am not sure where yet. I am basically just going to figure it out as I go. For the past two days, I have been trying to squish my clothes in a carry-on so I won’t have to check a bag, but my cycling gear takes up too much room. I have been a basket case of stress over it. I have 4 hours until my friend Marisa comes to pick me up to figure it out because I have to store the stuff that I am not taking with me. So basically, I am taking the two bags that I have been complaining about all summer and trying to cull it down to half the size of either one of them. And that will be all the gear and the clothes I have for 5 weeks in Spain. Yeah. I am pretty sure I have totally lost my mind. But, as my friend reminded me of recently, what is life without the crazy?

I like crazy. It makes people interesting. All of my friends are a touch crazy. If they weren’t, I wouldn’t hang around them. They have passion, take risks, fail and try again. They are open, vulnerable, and courageous. They care about the world around them and the people in it. When having a conversation about being 50 years old and trying to establish an identity apart from wife/mother/teacher, a friend asked me a profound question: Who do you want to be? My answer is: I want to be like them.

I want to be the person who rides her bike to work everyday, regardless of weather, because it is good for my mind, body and the environment. I want to be the badass skier who will ski through trees, down chutes, thigh deep in powder and laugh the whole time I am doing it. I want to be the person that can jump of a cliff with a paragliding wing and fly, sailing up with thermals, looking down in wonder on the world below. I want to be the person who will climb up a rock face and get stuck at a hard part and, instead of giving up, hang in the harness until I see the route and climb it. I want to be the person that isn’t afraid to push my body in physical performance. I want to be a woman who looks out a nature and never takes for granted the beauty I see all around me, regardless of where I am. And I want to be able to take a decent photograph someday.

I want to be the person who can sit and listen to another’s pain without trying to fix it, to just be present for people. I want to have a home where people can come, put their feet up, rest and feel at home and welcomed. It is funny, I cooked for Matt‘s roommates the other day. I haven’t cooked like that in a while. They invited their friends over, there was all this beautiful food sitting on the table, bottles of good Spanish wine, and amazing conversation. Eating and making food is such a social activity. Having lived by myself for so long now, eating by myself, I just appreciate those moments to feel part of a community, to listen to great conversation and ideas from creative and intelligent people, and to laugh.

So off I go to Spain. My hope is to push the boundaries of my physical performance cycling. Then to traipse around the country meeting people, hearing their stories, laughing, sharing tapas, and drinking some fine Spanish wine. And hopefully, in all of that, taking some beautiful photos.

There is no great lesson in this post. Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit”. What I am realizing through writing this is, regardless of checked bags or carry-on, all the things I am doing are consistent with the person I want be. In order to establish an identity, I have to do behaviors that actually are consistent with the talk. Who do I want to be? I am her.

“It is easier to live through someone else than to complete yourself. The freedom to lead and plan your own life is frightening if you have never faced it before. It is frightening when a woman finally realizes that there is no answer to the question ‘who am I’ except the voice inside herself.” ― Betty Friedan

Stop being a sissy-pants

Posted on October 7, 2013 by rangotti

“At times the world may seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough, and what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps of a journey.” ~Lemony Snicket

Me & The Luddite

I love having older brothers. I am the youngest of seven siblings. I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters. My dad remarried when I was an older teen so I also have four lovely step-sisters but I don’t know them as well. Last week, my brother phoned me after his wife told him about my blog (my brother is a bit of a Luddite who eschews technology). He called to be supportive and his first attempt at that was to tell me to stop being a sissy-pants. When I started laughing, he clarified with “or I just wanted to call and make you laugh”.

I liked candles

My family has the best sense of humor ever. I can’t sit in a room with them and come out with my sides not aching from laughing so hard. And laughter really is the best medicine. I don’t know where I would be without them because through everything, I know my family is there for me. Those roots run deep. We have had our fights. My brothers burned my hair off when I was a little girl by making some concoction in the kitchen while they were babysitting and trying to get me to eat it by putting a candle in it. That didn’t end so well for me. My sister and I traded fisticuffs over the use of the bathroom in the morning before school. But no matter how angry we might get with each other, no matter how long we go without speaking to each other, I know that at any moment if I was in trouble and really needed them, they would be there for me, to pick me up and dust me off when I get knocked down.

Payback for calling me a sissy-pants. I could have posted a much much dorkier picture

After talking with my brother awhile, he reminded me that this sabbatical was an adventure and that there was no wrong way to do it. When I told him that one of the things I was really struggling with was having nowhere that was my own, that I was tired of packing and repacking a suitcase, of not having anywhere to just feel like myself, he again told me not to be a sissy-pants. He reminded me that the challenges were what made the best stories and they are also where the deep learning happens. He reminded me to focus on what I am learning instead of focusing only on what I am frustrated with and to write down those lessons.

I have been learning about the possessions that I truly miss and the ones that were superficial and I know I can live without once this sabbatical is over and I do have a house again. I have been learning about what is really important in life…people and experiences. And most importantly, I have been learning how to focus on myself and about what it really means to take care of myself since I don’t have a home to hide out in. I have to keep myself out in the world which means I can’t afford to slack off, I have do the things that I know keep me centered, it isn’t an option anymore. This is probably the most important lesson I have needed to learn for much of my life, how to take care of myself before taking care of everyone else. I think at the end of this year that is the biggest gift I will have from this experience.

Life now is really just me and a couple of bags of clothes. When talking to my brother that fact hit me, not as an esoteric concept but finally in full brutal reality. Realizing that all the other extraneous stuff of my life has been stripped away, it was one of those moments where I wanted to say “DOH, of course that would be hard”. Once I had that epiphany, it has been a whole lot easier to accept everything and to just flow with it. It has made it easier to accept of the circumstances in which I am living, which by my own admission was my choice, I don’t want to give anyone the idea that I am blaming anyone else. This was a choice and I haven’t been so sure it was the right one until now. I guess I have finally reached the point where I accept that I am on an adventure, not a vacation, and it isn’t supposed to be comfortable.

My favorite quote is by Theodore Roosevelt. It is the “Man in the Arena” quote:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Brene Brown, in an interview with Oprah, said there are two things you need to have to go into the arena. You need someone to be there to pick you up and dust you off when you get your butt kicked, because you will get your butt kicked. And the second thing is, you need absolute clarity of values. Because if you go into the arena and you value courage, then you can choose courage or you can choose comfort but you cannot have both. If you choose courage and you have conviction, even if you fail and get your butt kicked and get pushed to the ground in the arena, you will still know why you are there.

Family vacation

So today, I have both of those things. I have family and friends who I know will be there to pick me up and dust me off when I get kicked to the ground. And I have absolute clarity of values. I value courage over all other virtues. In six days, I leave to go cycling in Spain where I am sure I will get my butt kicked. Today I say: Bring it on.

PS: I have spent the days since my last blog doing pretty well, getting enough sleep, eating right, exercising, spending time with friends and I am feeling much better. Not perfect, but better. Centered and more like my typically exuberant self. Thanks everyone for all the kind words and support.

Please do not feed the troll…

Posted on October 1, 2013 by rangotti

Our dreams do not necessarily have to be fulfilled in order for us to be happy. Nurturing hopes is meaningful in and of itself. It is worth working toward them, regardless of the outcome. When we make this shift away from results, we will find greater courage to act on our aspirations for the world. We will find our nobility of heart. ~Karmapa

Troll Under the Bridge, Seattle WA

Yesterday, I got trolled. It has happened before, I have my own personal troll who not only knows me, he knows what my triggers are and he likes to push them. This troll directly targeted me and specifically mentioned this blog. For a little while, I let it get to me. The problem with trolls is their goal is to get a rise out of you so if you respond to them, you are giving them what they want. It is called “feeding the troll”. Yesterday, I reacted and fed the troll. I wasn’t very nice in my response to him. Next time, instead of responding, I will let the forum moderator deal with him from the beginning.

The troll in fact, did me a favor. I was pretty distraught about it for awhile yesterday. I kept trying to fight my distress by asking myself the question: why would I allow my energy to get wrapped up in the words of someone who has no integrity? Trolling is an act of cowardice. It is someone hiding behind the anonymity of the internet for the purpose of causing distress and I was the specific target of this person. Why would I give that my emotion or my time? Lesson learned. My modus operandi in life, if I have something to say, I either need to have the integrity to say it without hiding who I am or I just need to shut up. It isn’t very hard to figure out where I stand on things, all someone has to do is ask me. However yesterday, my line of thought wasn’t working, I was projecting my own core values onto the situation and that was the wrong way for me to try to think my way out of my distress.

Then I realized a very simple truth, trolls exist where there is good discussion happening. And the forum I was using is one of the best for stimulating interesting discussion. The troll had hit me hard by insinuating that, from reading my “journal”, he believed that I would agree with what he was saying. “One thing that I hear people tell others who are in pain or experiencing change and loss is the remark ‘it’s going to be OK’. I think this is said in consolation but I think it’s also misleading and naive. It’s not going to be ok, for many people it didn’t work out or as luck would have it, life didn’t present those opportunities or just persisted circling the drain. Sometimes for reasons beyond our control or influence. Looking at your journal, I think you would agree, it will be OK if like anything else, you make the effort to problem solve, sacrifice, work hard, and accept that life often is sour grapes, loss, pain, and very arbitrary.”

I felt a little sad for the troll and his outlook on life, he doesn’t seem like a very happy person. But his unhappiness helped me clarify my beliefs a little better, so thank you Mr. Troll. I believe that, yes, life has some sour grapes, loss, pain, and can seem arbitrary, but I don’t believe life IS any of those things. Life has balance, there can be no joy without sorrow, there can be no light without darkness, and there can be no wine without sour grapes. There can be no great conversation or shifts in perspective if we only have conversations with people that agree with us. Yin-yang. Life, with all its good and bad, is full, rich, sweet, abundant and wonderful.

And I truly believe that life is going to be okay. I don’t believe my life it is necessarily going to work out the way I wanted, but I believe it is exactly as it should be right now at this moment. No matter how bad, how impossible something is to overcome, or how egregiously people have hurt me, I just have to nourish my hopes and stay on this side of the ground. I have to love those that are in my life in the moment that they are with me, so that when when they aren’t there, I remember that love. I have to nourish my mind with new experiences and learning so that I have more than one way of doing things, that helps me from being “stuck“. I have to nourish my soul by doing that which I think I can’t, even if I try and fail, until I find a measure of success. I have to live life with all my senses, emotions, and in the moment that I have. It might be the only moment I am given. That is the only way I know how to do it.

Life Divided by Zero

The Journey of Becoming Undefined

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