Letter to my older self…

Posted on February 5, 2014 by rangotti

So many people asked me to do this that I had to comply. Last week, I wrote a letter to my younger 25 year old self of things I would want her to know from what I have learned over the last couple of decades. A lot of people asked me to do the same with my older self, that is, what I would want my older self to know. Since I am 50, I decided to write a letter to my 70 year old self. I have to admit, I struggled with this one more than the last letter. Thinking about being 70 and entering the last couple of decades of life is harder than looking back and imparting wisdom on a younger Robin with a future stretching before her. I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of getting old. When I get old and outlive my usefulness, I want to have the capacity to walk off into the wilderness where I can look up into the mountains that I love and just die. No fuss, no fanfare. Just the natural end of a life well lived.

Robin,

Wow, you’ve made it to 70. There have been many times in your life that you didn’t think you would ever see this day. Yet here you are. Hopefully, you have taken care of your health and are still active. Finally, you get to have that discounted ski pass at Stevens!!! Woot!! You’ve been waiting for that for 25 years. I hope you are still active enough to enjoy it. I hope you are skiing every weekday and get at least 50 days in.

Retirement finally came for you two years ago. I hope you stayed on track to have at least a million dollars in your retirement account. It will suck if you didn’t and you have to eat cat food to survive. My hope is that you learned from the lean years of paying off all that debt incurred during your marriage and have kept saving money. It is okay if people call you fiscally conservative or even if they call you cheap. It still beats having to survive off cat food.

I hope you kept on learning and trying new things and experiences, it is how you stay young. Try not to be like some older people and get too set in your ways. Remember Matt? Remember how much you learned from him all those years ago and the fun that you had? Don’t forget that you can learn a lot about life from people of all ages, so don’t be the old fuddy-duddy who thinks they have all the answers and won’t listen to anyone else, especially younger people. Be open, listen, learn.

And don’t forget, if you are lonely and think no one comes to see you, then get off your ass and go to see them. People want you to care about their interests, they want you to be interested in their lives and what they are passionate about. Go to your grandchildren’s games, graduations, weddings… call them, listen to them, make time for them. Don’t just sit around and bemoan that no one wants to visit with you because if you do, guess what will happen? No one will want to be around you. If you want people to be interested in your life, you have to start by being interested in theirs.

The twin granddaughters are about 23 now, graduated from college. Hopefully, you kept your word and have been taking them on trips every year to show them how big the world is and that you made that same commitment with your other grandchildren you had too. I hope you took them to Nepal, Africa, Myanmar, South America and let them see some of the remote places of the world. I hope you took them diving, paragliding, cycling, and I really hope you taught them how to ski. A great graduation trip might be a ski trip to the Alps or to Whistler where you can rent a nice apartment and your old lady self can go to bed early and where the grandkids can stay up and party all night. Remember that experiences are worth more than stuff, spend your money and time having experiences with them. It is the best legacy you could leave them.

I hope you are living in a place where it is easy to get around. A nice, one bedroom condo in an urban area. Easy to clean and you can spend your time going to the theater and concerts and have adventures easily. That way you can give up the drivers license and still have your freedom. Give up the driver’s license before you don’t want to, that way it isn’t an issue for your kids having to take it away from you. Make plans for the last years of your life. Pick out the retirement community and assisted living facility you want to be in now. You’ve worked your whole life to take care of your family, take care of them now by making those decisions for yourself while you still can so that you won’t be a burden to them in a few years.

The end of your life is coming. Just like with the rest of your life, you get to choose how you face it. Face it with grace, courage, and dignity. Choose to live your life on your terms, each day giving your best, caring for the people in your life, and remembering how much you are loved. Choose to keep having amazing adventures and always be thankful for how great your life has been. It truly has been an incredible ride.

No regrets, just go enjoy the sunset of your life.

Robin

Letter to my younger self…

Posted on January 26, 2014 by rangotti

I read a book a long time ago called “What I Know Now: Letter to My Younger Self”. I was in my office the other day working on a grant and saw it on a shelf and thought about what a great idea it would be to write a letter to my younger self. What would I want her to know? Then I realized it would depend on what age I was so I decided on writing a letter to my 25 year old self. At 25, I was in my second year of my master’s degree program. I remember wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt that my husband bought me for a birthday present to teach class in that day. I remember having a huge existential crisis over the fact that I was turning 25 and that seemed so old and grown up. I was already married with a 7 year old and a 2 year old but for some reason, turning 25 made me feel very old.

At 25, I had already put myself through undergraduate school and graduated Magna cum Laude and was driven to succeed in graduate school. Even though I had gone through a teacher education program, my teaching assistant position at a 4 year university felt like an internship where I was able to get more practice at being a teacher before teaching high school. I had the help of a great friend and math teacher Danny Lueck who passed away a few years ago. I remember those times sitting in my living room grading 120 papers and he would be giving me advice on how to grade them more efficiently so that I wouldn’t go crazy. He was a good friend. I would go on to teach public high school for over a decade before returning to graduate school again to get my PhD and moving into higher education. Along the way, building my career, I sacrificed a lot of my personal life. I don’t regret my education or my job path. It has allowed me to make an impact on the world, but it also came with a price.

Going through this letter-writing process was a great one for reminding me of where I was and where I am now. If you are over 35, I suggest trying this. Don’t just think of what you would say to your younger self, actually take the time to write it out. If you are under 35, I suggest writing a letter to your older self. Add 20 years to your age and tell that older you what you want them never to forget. Put it away and then read it again in a few years and see how you are doing. You could even make it a tradition every 5 years to go back and reread and then write a new letter. Just a thought.

Dear Robin,

I see you standing there, in front of that class of undergraduates who are barely younger than you. There are so many of them, looking toward you like you have the answers to all their problems in math. Yet you are standing there shaking in your shoes because you know you are going to screw up. Yes you will, so stop worrying about it. You will survive the embarrassment of calling a hypotenuse a hypothesis for a whole class until one of your students points it out. You will survive your first (and subsequent) altercation with students where you have to confront them on discipline issues. You will weather the storm on the first (and subsequent) time that someone complains about your teaching. The thing to remember is this: you are going to be a great teacher but that greatness doesn’t come without making a bunch of mistakes. Let go of the control and thinking you have all the answers, don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know but I will find out and let you know tomorrow”, and don’t be afraid to ask the kids “I don’t know, what do you think?” and let them come up with their own answers. They will learn more that way. Never back a kid into a corner, always give them a way out and a way to save face. Laugh at yourself, have sense of humor in your classroom, don’t take things so seriously.

That goes for your personal life too. You are far too serious for being 25 years old. Look at your two beautiful children, they need a mother that laughs and plays with them. They will grow up to be amazing human beings, your pride in them will know no bounds. I wish I could say you aren’t going to make any mistakes in raising them, but you are. They will love you despite the times you screw up. Play with them more, be unrestrained, show them how to have adventures. And while you are at it, have some yourself. It is okay to be concerned with your career, it is going to take you places you never imagined. But don’t let it get in the way of adventures. They are what fuels your soul. They don’t have to be big or cost lots of money, you just have to be willing to let go of control, not be perfect, and get lost in the moment of life.

Try not to spend all of your life being perfect. Someday that perfect life will shatter into a million pieces and you won’t know how to deal with it. The key to surviving that is to realize that imperfection is where the good stuff of life happens. Your life will start when you are willing to jump in and do stuff without fearing you’ll make a mistake. Fear is where the fun starts, it isn’t the paralyzing emotion that you think it is. Face what you are most afraid of head on with no hesitation. It will set you free.

You did a great job at 25, allowing yourself to trust your husband, have kids, build a great life. Those choices will make you very happy over the next 20 years. You will have no regrets about raising your family, living in the town that you choose, having the wonderful friends that you have. Never look back on that time with regrets, it is magic time, filled with wonder. Someday, after your life falls apart, you will build a new life, very different from that. It is okay, nothing lasts forever. You will move on. During that rebuilding time, my advice to you is try to let go faster. It really is the key to being happy. You have to learn how to recognize when a relationship is at its end and be okay with that. Cherish the relationship for what it brought you and look with anticipation at the next one that will come into your life. A relationship ends when it has fulfilled its need in your life and its ending opens up a space to allow you another one that will meet different needs.

A couple of things I really want you to remember:

Your hair doesn’t matter as much as you think it does, don’t waste so much time and money on it.
Stand closer to the fire. Don’t stand on the periphery of life, get in where it is warm, where life is happening.
Dance more and don’t stop singing. The day might come when you will forget how much joy these things bring to life so capture the joy while you can.
Make mistakes. It is how you learn and grow.
Take care of your body. You will spend money, time, and energy taking care of your house or cars while ignoring the one thing in your life that can’t be replaced, your health. Put your effort and energy into making sure the one body you have to go through this life with is always running in peak condition.
Take the harder road, make the more difficult choice. Yes, the learning curve is larger, but there is a reason the phrase “no guts, no glory” came about. The harder road is the greater opportunity. You won’t get where you want to be by playing it safe.
Don’t be afraid to embrace the people who come into your life for the gifts they are. And don’t be afraid to let them go when it is time.
Someday, you will meet some sketchy internet people, they are trustworthy. They will help you find your voice again.
Someday, in your darkest hours, you will meet someone who is going to change your life. He is young and it seems an odd friendship and you will question it many, many times. Don’t. Risk trusting this person, he will teach you how to play again after a lifetime of responsibility. He will teach you how to be strong. He will teach you about the person you want to be. He will help you find your soul.

You are going to have the best life ever. Live every day of it.

Robin

The long walk home…

Posted on January 24, 2014 by rangotti

When I decided to stop traveling and move back to the northwest, I rented a house in a rural area. I have done the urban lifestyle for a few years and I just decided it was time to get back to my roots. It is a fantastic house in a great location and has lots of outdoor space to play in. The only problem with it so far is its lack of access to public transit. Because of that I have found myself driving everywhere and that isn’t going to work for me.

So the other day I got my bike tuned up with a renewed zeal to ride everywhere and stop using my car. The only thing I don’t yet have are new lights for my bike, but those will come in time and as the days get lighter longer, they won’t even be needed. In the meantime, I am walking the 2 miles to the nearest bus stop.

I lamented that at first but then the other night, my attitude totally turned around. I wanted to go downtown to meet some friends for happy hour. The commute by bus is 33 minutes from the bus stop and costs $2.50. So round-trip is $5 and about an hour commute. Driving at that time of day would have been longer and it would have cost me more money in gas, so economically it made sense. There is also the alcohol aspect. I don’t drink and drive so the bus is a great option to be able to enjoy happy hour and then let someone else do the driving for me after I have had a couple of glasses of wine, or in the case of Wednesday, vodka tonics.

So I am walking to the bus stop and on the way I was thinking about a Facebook conversation about race, class, and privilege. I remembered watching a movie called the Long Walk Home about the Montgomery Bus Boycott in 1955. It was sparked when Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat to a white passenger and was arrested. At that time, white people boarded the bus and filled up the rows starting in the front and moving toward the back. Black people started in the back and filled in the rows moving toward the front. When the rows met and the bus was full, black passengers would have to stand if they got on the bus. If a white person entered the entire first row of blacks had to stand and give their row to a white person. Rosa Parks refused. This sparked a bus boycott.

Boycotts are hard things to pull off. A person has to be committed to their cause enough to sacrifice whatever service or product they are receiving from the entity they are boycotting. And it has to be a big enough sacrifice by enough people to make a difference. Since 75% of the bus ridership was African-American, the Montgomery boycott was successful in ending segregation on public buses, but it wasn’t without cost to the people who were standing their ground for what they believed was right.

There were people that had to get up long before dawn to walk the 10 miles to work, work all day, then walk the 10 miles home at which time, they had to take care of their chores at home also. Ten miles. Even at a decent clip of 4 mph, that is at least 5 hours walking time each day. That meant leaving home at least by 5:30 in the morning if you were working 8-5 and getting home past 7:30. That is sacrificing for your beliefs. Who to hell am I to be bitching about 2 miles to the bus stop? In Nepal and Spain, I walked or cycled almost exclusively except for a couple of times of riding on the bus. How does being back in the land of great roads and gas sucking SUV’s all of sudden turn me into a pile of mush that I can’t walk a couple of miles?

So there was a whole shift in my attitude. I realized it is worth a 4 mile round trip. In reality, the 4 extra miles of working out is good for my physical health. Being outdoors for that extra hour every day makes also me more centered and contributes to my overall well-being. I get to walk through an amazingly beautiful area with wetlands and eagles and even saw a beautiful blue jay on my walk yesterday. And I believe that taking public transit, walking, or riding my bike is better for the environment. So I am trying to make that walk be part of my routine. Whether headed to the bus stop, the gym, or wherever I am going, it is only two miles there and two miles back. It isn’t like it is a long walk home.

An elimination diet for your soul…

Posted on January 22, 2014 by rangotti

Have you ever done an elimination diet? It is an extreme diet that people do when they are having digestion problems or allergies and want to isolate what particular foods are causing their distress. The dieter takes their nutrition down to the basics for a few weeks and then add in foods one at a time to see what particular foods are contributing to their physical difficulties. It is really hard, but it make so much sense. How else will they figure out what makes them feel good or bad so they can make adjustments? It is virtually impossible when you are eating all your regular foods to isolate the combinations that are problematic. Before people go to that extreme, they start with a food journal, writing down what they ate and how they feel, but when that doesn’t work, it is time for an elimination diet.

Right now with everything I have done in the past year, I feel like I have been on an elimination diet for my soul and I am finally at the place where I get to add stuff back in, slowly and deliberately with one thing being added in at a time. That way, I get to try it, see how it feels, and decide if it makes me feel good enough to keep in my life. When I got back, I started off too fast, trying to go right back to the life I had. But as Matt reminded me recently, I am not that person anymore. So after Jan 1, I have been being a lot more deliberate in my actions and in the relationships I am cultivating.

So what have I added back?

Skiing: I have been doing a lot of skiing by myself and with just a few very close friends. It has renewed my love for the sound of the snow under my skis, the smell of the mountain air, the breathtaking views, the solitude when I am alone, and just the whole body sensation of flying down a mountain. I love to ski. The last couple of years I allowed myself to get too wrapped up in the social aspect of skiing and needed to step away. It is really a joy to reconnect with the sport I love on its elemental level.

Yesterday, I got my bike ready to ride and I am going to ride either tomorrow or Saturday. The only thing I love as much as skiing is riding my bike. I don’t need to go fast, climb better than anyone else, dress in appropriate attire or any of that stuff that cyclists worry about. Getting caught up in all that made me hate riding my bike. I just love the feeling of being outdoors, braving the weather, feeling like I am one with the machine that is making me fly along, just pure joy coursing through my body as my heart, lungs and legs make me remember that I am alive. It makes me feel like I am a 10 year old. This time, I am going to take the advice of my friend, Cindy and make time for pie at the end of a ride.

Kerry Park view

I have been enjoying going to some of the great places that I love in Seattle, happy hours up on the Hill with Tony, going up to Kerry Park for meditation and reflection, riding the ferries, the beauty of rural Snohomish County, the jaw-dropping views of the Cascades and Olympics, cooking in a real kitchen again, sharing laughter and a meal with my roommate and her daughter, building a fire, chopping and stacking wood, and learning how to knit. These are all things I am keeping.

But it hasn’t been easy. I have struggled and even messed up a few times. The other day, I bought sheets and a blanket. Now I own household stuff again. I have to admit, it was a little traumatizing. It made me feel tied down. I made it worse when I then watched “Into the Wild” for the first time and it made me feel REALLY tied down. I have struggled with trying to work on a grant and a few publications. But mostly, I have struggled when the people who know me from my former life put pressure on me to be the way I was. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to say yes to everyone and allow people to treat me badly just so that I won’t offend anyone or let anyone down. Because ultimately, when I act that way, all I am doing is letting myself down. That has meant culling some relationships that aren’t healthy for me which has hurt people because they don’t understand why I am not just like I used to be. It is hard not having any answers for them of when I will want to do things again, because the honest answer is that I may never want to do some things again.

Olympics and a Washington State ferry in the Puget Sound

Right now, all I know right now is this, I feel better than I ever remember feeling. I am making decisions based on strength and on what I really want to do. My past doesn’t control me, fear doesn’t control me, and my choices are my own. So I guess, the elimination diet for the soul is working so far.

That was when I lived in a morgue…

Posted on January 14, 2014 by rangotti

Of all the stories I expected to hear on my story collecting adventure, the words “I lived in a morgue” probably never made my list. But my friend Keri did, in fact, live in a morgue and even has some incredible pictures to prove it. In the midst of a casual conversation the other night, she uttered the words “when I lived in the morgue”…say WHAT? When prompted for the story, she revealed that she and several other ski instructors lived there together when they were working in Garmisch, Germany. She dragged our her old photo album and told the story as we scrolled through her awesome pictures that showed a bunch of twenty-somethings living it up in this funky place with a half-moon shaped area where at one time bodies were viewed, a kitchen that had once been where embalming happened and had no counter space at all because of that, and Keri’s bedroom which had previously been where the crematorium ovens were located. There were also some underground tunnels from the old hospital to the morgue that were built during the war so that the German public wouldn’t know how many men were dying in the war. It was kind of freaky, but they had some incredible parties in that “house”. Halloween must have been awesome.

It is funny because I have known Keri for the last seven years but did not know that about her. What made that story even more interesting is Keri herself. Of all the people I know who might have uttered the words “I lived in a morgue”, she would have been the last person I would have expected. Keri is one of the most amazingly even keeled and centered people I have ever met. Yet, in hindsight, maybe it isn’t so surprising after all. Keri also flows easily in her life taking whatever opportunities that come up with little hesitation. She lives her life fully every day. She is a remarkable and courageous person.

One of the things I love about our friendship is how easy it is. When we haven’t seen each other in a while, we can pick right up where we left off. We talk to each other about our lives, dreams, fears, joys, and sorrows. She gives the best advice and I value her wisdom. She has a way of understanding human interactions that cuts through all the subterfuge. Out of all my friends, she is one of the best at self-care and boundaries.

I have been thinking a lot about relationships this week, both friendships and intimate relationships. I am in the midst of taking a hard look at my relationships and reflecting on the ones that add value to my life and to which I am adding value in return. Great relationships that add significance to my life, like the ones I share with my closest friends, take open communication of both the good and the bad of our lives. These relationships are easy because we are willing to be open and authentic with each other, telling each other our truths while respecting how each feels. Frankly, I don’t want any other kind of relationships in my life other than easy ones. Relationships with people who don’t keep their word, lie, use subterfuge, give you the silent treatment, or omit details to try to avoid conflict just take too much effort and energy. Relationships should be easy.

However, I think a mistake that is common in intimate relationships is believing that one person can meet all our needs. It is impossible for one person to meet all our needs and it would be a huge burden on any one person to try to accomplish that. Life is enriched by all our relationships not just the intimate ones. Relationships with a variety of people give us perspective from many angles and broaden our understanding of the world around us.. Life becomes rich and full when we embrace all of those various relationships.

As a caveat, it also must be considered that inherent in relationships is a measure of risk. When we trust others with our vulnerabilities, we stand the risk of being rejected, hurt, used, and taken for granted. When that happens and a valued relationship ends, it is hard to pick up the threads of trust to try again. But try we must. Human beings were not meant to live in isolation from others. Our relationships bring us wisdom, joy, beauty, poetry, happiness, physical comfort, sorrow, grief, and the whole range of human emotions. Through those relationships we find strength and comfort when the problems of the world rise around us. It is also through those relationships that we grow and reach our fullest potential. Without them, we die, maybe not all at once, but our soul dies day by isolating day. And we live in our own private morgue, not one that has a bunch of fellow ski instructors who are full of life, but in the shells of our bodies going through the motions of life.

My Life Divided by Zero advice for this week is to collect a story, have a conversation with someone, find out a really interesting fact that you didn’t previously know and tell them something about you in return. Risk, trust, open up and be vulnerable to someone. You might get hurt, but at least you will be alive. And you will probably come away with a great story to tell. And that is what our lives are…a collection of stories.

You’ve got to dance with the one that brung ya…

Posted on January 9, 2014 by rangotti

You’ve got to dance with the one that brung ya…I have always liked that phrase. To me, it is a reminder to do what is right even when others would suggest otherwise and to be loyal to those in my life who have helped me get where I am.

The reality of my life is that I got to where I am…a person having great adventures, happy, centered, feeling, and living every moment… because of all the things that have happened to me. Take away any part and I wouldn’t be me. I have spent a lot of time bemoaning things especially when I am at low points like when I am scared or lonely… but bemoaning and regrets are not only futile, they take away from my power to be who I think I am and that I want to be. And that is my goal, to be the person I think I am.

One of the things that got me here is the loss of my marriage to someone who I loved with all my heart which was the catalyst for change, good change that brought me to where I am at this moment. That path to change started with marriage therapy, it was the first dance that got me here.

I am not a big fan of the mental health care system even though I have several close friends who are therapists and I respect and appreciate what they do. One of my major concerns is that there is too much power given to the therapist with the assumption that they will act with ethics but no policing of that system unless a client complains. However there is little client education of boundaries and appropriate behavior so when the therapist crosses a boundary, the client takes it on trust that the therapist knows what they are doing, even if the situation feels icky and uncomfortable. The trust required in the therapeutic relationship allows therapists to wield enormous psychological influence which, when handled correctly, produces the magic of positive change in people’s lives. But when handled incorrectly can produce devastating results. I know because it is what happened to me.

I trusted my marriage therapist with all my heart, way more than I should have ever trusted a service provider. I told him all of my secrets, things that I had never told any living person. As a result, therapy was very successful for me, although not so much for my marriage. I sent him daily journals via email, he said it helped make him a better therapist knowing all my thoughts. I paid him even though he was still in graduate school and shouldn’t have accepted money. When therapy “ended” when I moved to Seattle, I continued to communicate with him weekly and send him my journals. A couple of months later, he moved to Seattle where we started riding mountain bikes, kayaking, skiing, I introduced him to my social group, I watched his dog every weekend, took him to dinner, he stored his stuff in my house and even stayed at my house. In all of this, I paid for everything. All the while I was still sending him my journals and telling him my problems. In my mind he was still my therapist.

We first crossed the major boundary the night before Thanksgiving in 2007 when we went out drinking and he got hammered. When I drove him home, we stayed up talking until after 3 am. That started a three year “friendship”. Multiple times I told him that it didn’t “feel” right, that I couldn’t separate the therapist from the “friend”. He would assure me that it was all in my head. And he was right, it was. In my head, I knew it was wrong. So I found another therapist to help me figure that out. She reported him to the licensing board. The state of Washington found that I was an “isolated incident, unlikely to happen again” so he can keep his practice. End of story. Except that it wasn’t.

For me, the loss of this person who had been so instrumental to me, who I had trusted without question, was psychologically and emotionally one of the most devastating ordeals of my life. I almost didn’t make it. It was with the help of a bunch of people from an online bike forum that I found my voice and my power again. I can never repay what they gave me, freely, without knowing me or expecting anything from me in return.

Needless to say, there have been some huge violations of trust for me from the mental health community. So what I am about to do scares the absolute daylights out of me. I have realized that, although I have the best life ever, there are a couple of areas that I could work on to make it even better. And I need some help with that. So I am leaping…I made an appointment and I am going back to therapy. This time, I am armed with knowledge of what therapy should and should not be. This time, I am going to therapy from a position of strength, not in a moment of weakness. I won’t allow myself to be preyed upon because I am not the same person anymore (thanks Matt for the reminder). It is time I learn how to trust again.

And so I am dancing… with the one that brung me… not the former exploitative therapist, but with the mental health care profession in general. I am taking the risk to be able to have the life I want. My goal is to be the person that I believe I am.

On being human…

Posted on January 7, 2014 by rangotti

Sometimes I wonder at how the human race has been able to survive. Humans can be pretty stupid. At least this human can. There are a set of behaviors that, when I do them, make me feel great. When I don’t do them or do them half-assed, then I feel like crap. So it seems really simple that I would do the behaviors right? Wrong.

When I am not exercising, I make every excuse in the world to not go exercise. I say things like I don’t feel well, or I didn’t sleep well, or I don’t have time because I need to work… blah, blah, blah. In actuality, if I make time to exercise then I have more energy to get more work done, I sleep better and it makes me feel amazingly great.

That leads to the question, why don’t I consistently exercise? I am sort of a yo-yo exerciser. There are times in my life that I have been very consistent, usually when my life is in routine. Then something happens, usually something big that takes me out of my routine…a death, surgery, moving, etc. And then months (years) go by until I am on the edge of miserable and pick up the threads of exercise again and get into a routine. You’d think by now, at 50 years old, I have learned to keep my exercise routine especially when my life is out of routine. Nope, not yet.

Another behavior that I have to do to maintain good health is eat right. I am not a fan of any certain diet plan, but I do believe we are what we eat so I prefer to just eat real food. I try to eat things that have ingredients my grandmother would have recognized. So nothing that contains diglycerides or weird words like that and no “artificial” colors or flavors. I mean really, what is in an artificial flavor anyway? Why not just use the real flavor? When I eat real food, my body just feels good.

When I am not eating right, I make every excuse in the world to eat crap. I don’t have time because of work, I don’t feel well so I want comfort food, I am tired so don’t feel like cooking wholesome food… blah, blah, blah. In actuality, if I make time to cook great food, I have more energy for work, I feel better and I sleep better. HMM…I am seeing a pattern here.

So why don’t I just eat right all the time? Well usually it starts with doing something outside my routine like visiting people or going to a party, packing and moving, traveling, etc….times when it is easy to stop for something quick or throw together something processed. Then it just spirals downward. Finally, when I feel like crap, I get back into a routine of cooking and then I feel great again. You’d think by now, at 50 years old, I’d have learned the lesson of staying in a routine of eating well especially when my life is out of its routine. Nope, not yet.

A third behavior is making time for fun, rest and relaxation. When I do that each day, give myself a little time to just let down, I am a lot more centered and happy. But instead, I take fun activities and make them stressful by putting pressure on myself to do things perfectly. Riding or working on a bike should be a fun activity, but I have to do it perfectly. Skiing should be a fun activity but I have to do it perfectly. Knitting should be a fun activity but I have to do it perfectly. I can suck the joy right out of a fun activity. So in essence, I make things chores that should be fun. When I allow myself to let go and relax, I feel better, sleep better, and have more energy for work. Unfortunately, I don’t just practice perfection when I am out of routine, I do it all the time. I should change my name to Joyce Ucher. By 50 years old, you’d think I’d have learned to work on consistently making time for fun and relaxation every day. Nope, not yet.

No, I haven’t learned all of life’s lessons yet, but that is the great part of being human, to allow myself to make mistakes, very human mistakes. I feel great right now because I have been sticking to my intentions and my plans for my life that I made back in Nepal. I am getting back in a routine…. which is very different from the way my life has been since I started this blog.

So here is my lesson: today is a new day. So whether you have stuck to your New Year’s resolutions or not, cut yourself some slack. Remember that each day is a new day, it doesn’t have to be on January 1. You can start again. Today.

For me, today, I will do my best to eat right, exercise and relax. Tomorrow, I will do my best for that day. And maybe by the time I am 80, I will have learned. Nope, probably not… but the thing I hope to have learned is just to do my best…every day. I am never going to be perfect and I have to stop beating myself up whenever I am not.

Cheers and happy New Day! Robin

Resolutions…

Posted on December 31, 2013 by rangotti

I have never been a big fan of New Year’s celebrations. I love the idea of spending the night with people you love, but I don’t have to get dressed up, blow noisemakers, and be out with thousands of other people to do that. I prefer intimate gatherings of friends, soft comfy warm clothes, good music, a fireplace, and some nice hot beverages.

New Year’s is just a day, like all the other days in the year. Our calendar date for the new year is arbitrary and there are other cultures that have a different date for the new year. I do, however, like the symbolism of new years as a time of transition. It is out with the old, in with the new. It is a time of renewal.

This idea of transition from one year to the next is why people make resolutions. I am not a big fan of resolutions either although in the past, I have always made them. This year, I am going to try something different. Thanks for the suggestion Deloa!

One problem I see with resolutions, at least for me, is that the resolution adds something I want to do onto my life, but my life is already full. Instead of out with the old, in with the new, my resolutions are add-ons and I have left out the part that I have to take something out. That is, I want to: lose weight, get in shape, spend more time with family, strengthen my relationships, etc. but in order to add something in, what I don’t consider is that I have to first let something go to make space for that new thing. I made resolutions and then six weeks later when I don’t have time for them or they are stressing me out, I drop them. Yet I still keep walking around with the baggage I was carrying in the past year.

So this year, instead of making resolutions, I made two lists. I made a list of things that aren’t working for me anymore and titled it Releasing. Then I made another list of Intentions for the new year of changes I wanted to make in my life. The releasing list has some relationships that aren’t working for me as well as organizations I belonged to that weren’t adding any value to my life, activities that I no longer do but still have gear for, etc. The intention list has the new relationships I want to cultivate, behaviors that I want to adopt, and activities I want to explore. Beside each item on each list I am finding a symbol or a photo that represents each thing. At midnight I am going to take my Releasing list and throw it into the fire, symbolically releasing the things that aren’t working for me, then I am going to throw my Intentions list into the fire and offer it up to the universe.

This might sound a little “out there” but really, is it any worse than making a resolution that I give up six weeks later? In the past, I have found that by putting my intentions, dreams, hopes and desires out to the universe that it opens up the space for it to happen. It doesn’t always happen in the way I had envisioned, but nonetheless, I can create the life I want.

Here is the key…whatever you do, whether it is make a resolution or throw intentions into a fire, you have to believe, really believe, that you are worthy. The energy you give off will come back to you. If you believe that you are worthy of happiness, love, success, abundance, joy…then that is what you will create. But if deep down, you believe something else, then that is the energy that you are giving off and that is the energy that is going to gravitate back to you. So whatever your intentions are, put them out to the universe with your whole heart. In a few weeks, if you aren’t keeping your goals or working toward them, ask yourself if you truly believe you are worthy. And if not, what is it that is holding you back?

“We can either watch life from the sidelines, or actively participate… Either we let self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy prevent us from realizing our potential, or embrace the fact that when we turn our attention away from ourselves, our potential is limitless.” ~Christopher Reeve

Happy New Year!

The life cycle of traditions

Posted on December 22, 2013 by rangotti

Some people, when given a sign, know exactly how to read that sign and what they should do about it. For me, the universe pretty much has to hit me over the head with a sign before I listen and change my course of action or beliefs.

When I was a teenager, I was pretty troubled. An old native American told me that I wouldn’t find my true spirit until I walked with the Raven. I didn’t know what he meant and I spent much of my life trying to decipher those words through the situations and the people around me. What I have realized is that even as a teenager, those words gave me hope. He didn’t tell me that I would never find my spirit, but that it would happen in the future. Hope is what most people need to get through life’s difficulties.

Last summer, I had the opportunity to travel around the country. Everywhere I went, when something transformative happened, there was a Raven there. I couldn’t help but remember the old man’s words. And at the time, it felt like chains were being released, emotional chains. Later in the year, I had the opportunity to go to Nepal and paraglide with Egyptian vultures. When I got back, one of my friends joked with me that my new name was Soars with Eagles. I laughed and made a joke back to him in the manner of friends teasing each other and then forgot about his comment until yesterday.

Photo by Richard A.

I have known I was a different person since I was in Nepal. Traveling changed me a lot. When I got back to Seattle, I was walking through a wooded area to the gym and the Raven story was on my mind. I looked up at one point in my walk and there, about 30 feet from me, was a gorgeous American bald eagle looking at me. He was just sitting in a dead tree and he was staring at me. It was one of those times where the hair on the back of my neck started to stand up and that odd feeling that something special was happening, where my gut was churning with emotion. Finally, after what felt like hours, he spread his wings and flew off.

I have a friend who is a shaman and when I told her about it she said “I think you are entering a new time in your life and the eagle is your guide”. Again, being the scientific linear thinking person that I am, I put it out of my mind. Then yesterday, when my roommate and I were trying to figure out what movie to watch for our solstice celebration (read more below), she said “the only appropriate movie I can think of is Dances with Wolves”. At that moment, all of the signs I just wrote about above converged in my head.

I realized the tradition of the raven was over. As a story, the last chapter of is written, now all I needed to find was a way to close it out. About an hour later, my friends Nick and Sarah called and asked if I wanted to meet for lunch at Black Raven Brewery. Yeah, okay universe, I get it. Nick, Sarah and I shared food and beer and toasted to lots of upcoming adventures we are planning. It was a great symbolic way to put an end to the Raven. But just because a story ends, doesn’t mean the characters in the story stop living, it just means they need to find another story to begin. Our stories, like all the traditions of our lives, have a life cycle.

Everyone has traditions. They are a fundamental part of the structure of the lives of human beings. We have traditions surrounding all of the big events in life: marriage, birth, death, etc. We also have everyday traditions or routines like brushing our teeth or going out for an Americano. And then there are traditions surrounding holidays and special days like birthdays or anniversaries. And then there are faith-based traditions. All of them are important parts of who we are.

Since my divorce, the holidays have been very difficult because those traditions, those foundational structures of my life, were just instantaneously dissolved, there was no closure or slow letting go. Getting older has also ended certain traditions, although through a slower process. My children have their own families now and are spending holidays and creating new traditions with those families just as they should be.

For me, I think that is one of the hardest parts of entering the autumn of my life. I guess like most people, I struggle with things changing. The empty nest syndrome when combined with the loss of your life partner is definitely a time of radical change. And just like any loss, traditions can’t just easily be replaced by something else. It takes closure and time to grieve for their loss before you can start a new tradition and that process has to be respected.

When my kids were younger and I was married, holidays were filled with time spent with my children, extended family, passing around a blessing cup for giving thanks, Christmas lights, caroling, great food, lots of love, homemade pizza, decorating the Christmas tree, stocking stuffer shopping followed by lunch with my ex-husband, and many other wonderful memories. I have missed those traditions, but just like I am finding with many parts of my life, I am ready to move on.

So yesterday, it hit me. I have been trying hard to recreate traditions to replace what has been lost. But just like with a lost pet or loved one, what is lost is gone forever. I have beautiful memories of that time in my life and by trying to totally eradicate them and replace those memories, I am not honoring all the love that is inherent in them. So instead of forgetting, I should try to find a way to honor those memories (skiing on holidays seems to work well for me) and then start wholly new traditions like celebrating the Solstice. I like this idea.

So yesterday, the day of the winter solstice in the northern hemisphere, my new roommate and I had a solstice celebration with tasty food, wassail, a fire and lots of candles to welcome the sun and long days back into the northern hemisphere. And we watched Dances with Wolves. I also took time to honor the planet and to give thanks for all that I have.

I am an incredibly fortunate person. I am thankful for my health, a great job, a loving family, two compassionate and thoughtful children who are in loving long-term relationships, and the most spectacular grandchildren ever. I have a warm home, plenty to eat, a fantastic roommate, caring and supportive friendships, and opportunities to have amazing adventures in my life. I have the best life ever and from now on, I am going to use the solstice to celebrate and give thanks for that life.

The Solstice seemed like an appropriate time to remember the cycles and rhythms of the planet as well as the cycles and rhythms of my life. It seems like a great new tradition has been born, a new life cycle has started. Happy Solstice and welcome winter!

The 8 boxes…

Posted on December 15, 2013 by rangotti

Yesterday, I unpacked my suitcase for the first time since May. It was bittersweet, I hadn’t expected the mix of emotions it would bring. As I unpacked and put my stuff away in a new house, new room, I couldn’t help but remember my last apartment and the last time my clothes hung in a closet. I was a little overwhelmed by all the changes.

I think that not having a home to come back to made my time travelling both physically simple yet emotionally challenging at the same time. Travelling and knowing you have a familiar and comfortable place to come back to is very different from returning home to the unknown of having to find a place to live. Add on the fact that I gave up all my stuff, an act which was both freeing and yet again, ridiculously challenging emotionally, and it made coming home and unpacking my clothes this surreal experience. And yes, I found a great house and a super roommate. Now I just have to adjust to a totally new life.

For those of you that haven’t read the back story, when I gave up my apartment in May and then started traveling in June, rather than put things in storage for a year, I reduced all of my possessions from the last 50 years of my life to 8 boxes, my checked bag of clothes and a carry on, and some gear stored at a friends house (thanks Jason!). It was the hardest thing I have ever done. At least, it was the hardest thing I have ever done…until now.

Yesterday, I opened one of the 8 boxes. I had thought that it would be a fun adventure to see what I had saved. Instead, it felt more like opening Pandora’s Box. The box I happened to open had pictures of my kids, a wood bowl that my uncle made, a ceramic heart that my daughter made when she was in elementary school, a box my son brought back from Australia when he was a teenager. Similar to the experience of hanging my clothes in the closet, it was like a blast of memories rising up out of the cardboard. I took out the big pieces and set them on a shelf in my room and then closed the box without going through the pictures. I didn’t open the other boxes yet.

Today, my roommate and I are going to put up a Christmas tree. I took out the two boxes of ornaments that I had saved. Everyone that knows me, knows how much I used to love the spirit of Christmas. Those ornaments represent 50 years of family holiday memories. I have to admit, I am not sure I can open the boxes.

So what is my problem? I had this amazing experience over the past 6 months. I am a different person. I shed the memories of the past and stepped into my present and hopefully my future. I am happy and moving on. The problem is, I don’t want to go back to revisit the past at all, I want to avoid thinking about it and just continue on with my happy life. It isn’t that I want to erase it or forget it, it is all part of what made me who I am. I just want to keep moving forward. But there is one thing I know for certain, when something feels difficult and I don’t want to do it, that is the very thing that I need to do the most. The hard things show me what I still need to work on. Hmm it might be time for some brutal honesty here Robin. I hate it when I have to really reach inside for the hard emotional stuff. Okay here goes…

So I am looking at those boxes and part of me wishes I hadn’t saved anything… and that feels like a betrayal to all the people who gave things to me. For example, in one of those packing crates are the Shaker boxes that my dad made me before he died and I should feel excited to open them up. But instead, I am torn. On one hand, I have these possessions that have memories of the people I love attached to them, possessions like Shaker boxes and ceramic hearts from people like my dad or my kids. On the other hand, I have the memories and the love of the people, I don’t need “stuff” to feel that. In fact, somehow the “stuff” diminishes from that love. I guess what is confusing me is that, in the last 6 months, I have felt the love of the people in my life in a really powerful way and that couldn’t have happened with possessions detracting and getting in the way.

I guess when all the possessions in my life had been stripped away and all I had was the love of my family and friends, my whole life was just clearer and uncluttered. The love I experienced over the last half year felt like the pure essence of what we are as human beings. I want to make sure that I don’t lose that feeling in the trappings of “stuff” again. That is really what I am scared of. Because material things, even handmade Shaker boxes made with love from my dad, can never replace the time spent with the people I love and who love me. So even though I have those boxes, they aren’t more valuable than all the memories or the time I spent with my dad when he was alive. The mementos and things I have from my children aren’t anything compared to the time I have spent with them and the love that we share.

I guess I have come to understand how much of a distraction all the stuff we have really is. Obtaining and caring for possessions, working to pay for them, using them to substitute for emotions, buying things to fill voids in our lives, all those things distract us from what is really important in life which is loving the people in our lives and spending time with them. That is the greatest lesson I have learned and I never want to forget it again. That is what I don’t want to go back to. Ever.

So I guess I am scared that opening those boxes and reattaching to things will distract me from putting my emphasis on people. Today, opening those ornaments, is going to be a challenge, but I have to do it. Avoidance is never a solution. I just need to breathe, stay present, be aware and I can totally do this.

The Journey of Becoming Undefined