Going home…

Posted on December 13, 2013 by rangotti

I am returning home indefinitely. I am not sure where I am going next or even if I am going anywhere for awhile. I am ready to be in one place for a time. I want to work on my fitness, getting in shape for spring cycling and doing some skiing, and I want to work on some research and grant writing. It is hard to do that from the road. I have been gone from Seattle and basically homeless since May. After 6 months, I am ready to have a consistent place to lay my head at night and a routine in my life. So I am going home to a new place to live and a new attitude for how to live my life.

I have learned so much over the past 6 months. I have learned about people and the world around me, but mostly, I have learned about myself. I have learned where my weak spots are and where my strengths lie. I have learned about the person I want to be and the type of people I want to have in my life.

I return home a very different person than when I left. I am stronger, happier, centered, confident, and ready to take on the next third of my life …or at least, I am ready to take on tomorrow. During my travels I have felt lonely, depressed, joyful, empowered, scared, loved, accepted, energized, amazed, sad, awed, and just about every emotion there is. I have overcome every obstacle and pushed myself to do things that I never would have thought I was brave enough to do. I have looked at some of the most wondrous things on the planet. I have had experiences that are so unique that they almost defy my ability to describe them. I have experienced a complete sense of wonder about people, the planet, and about myself.

I return home proud of myself and happy with who I am. In a world where we can be anything we want, the best thing we can choose to be is ourselves.

A few take-aways that I was musing about on my ride from Maine to Boston:

Traveling can be stressful and scary. Traveling by yourself even more so. Yet at the same time, it seems easier somehow. I only had myself to deal with, make decisions for, and my happiness was my own responsibility. I could make decisions on the fly, no consultation with fellow travelers necessary. I made choices and shifted gears at a moments notice. It made me more spontaneous, carefree, and responsible for how I felt.
Traveling by yourself makes you feel vulnerable. For me, someone who has always liked the opportunity to be in control with everything perfectly planned, this was really very hard. One of the biggest things I learned is how to live in and accept each present moment and the uncontrollable nature of life. Because I allowed myself to become vulnerable, the world became more dynamic, less static and life just happened. What was amazing was that I didn’t fight it, I just rolled and flowed with it. I was alive in a way that was wonderful and compelling and I want to keep that feeling with me always. I want to remember it when I mired in research, faculty meetings, and personal drama.
People are the same all over the world. Their culture, politics, religion, values, etc might be different, but the basics of humanity are the same. No matter where you go or who you meet, there is common ground in our humanness if we are willing to set aside all our judgments and just listen to each other with acceptance, tolerance, openness and love.
Getting pushed out of my comfort zone was scary, necessary, healthy and will become part of my everyday life. Facing my fears, one-by-one or sometimes in multiples, is the only way to get beyond them and move forward. I can’t avoid and pretend they don’t exist or I am mired in my troubles indefinitely. Fear will never rule my life again. If I give in to fear, it owns me. I want to be free.

I am sure I will have more in the future…but it is time to board a plane.

Saying thank you

Posted on December 10, 2013 by rangotti

When I was mired in my life-altering changes of moving 3000 miles away from my support system and getting divorced, I found keeping a “thank-you” journal useful in helping me see the world from a positive perspective rather than succumbing to negative thoughts. At the end of every day, I would write down 5 things I was thankful for. It was difficult when I first started but as I kept up the habit, I found that I would be mindful about things throughout the day that I was thankful for so that I had 5 things to write in my journal at night. It helped me to learn to be thankful for the small everyday moments that I sometimes took for granted.

Recently, I had the privilege and pleasure of visiting with my friend Marvin and his lovely wife Naomi in Boston. Marvin is one of my imaginary internet friends from my cycling forum and a teammate from Team Collin. I am always thankful for my internet friends and don’t tell them enough what they mean to me. They are men and women who have encouraged me, listened to me cry (virtually), stuck with me during the dark times, and helped me become the woman I am. Just like with any large group, you become closer to some people than you are to others. Those I am close to, I trust without question. Marvin is one of those people. He has stood by me even when I have tried to push away his friendship, listened with unconditional acceptance, given me fantastic advice, made me laugh, and is one of those rare people of impeccable integrity and honor. His lovely wife is just as amazing, intelligent, thoughtful and accepting as he is and I felt honored to finally meet her and get to know her. She is as fabulous as he has described.

Marvin and Naomi let me stay at their home and showed me the depth of their loving hospitality and I hope to return the favor someday when they come to Seattle. We had great conversations and fantastic food. Although I am a hopeless insomniac, I felt so comfortable at their home, I slept better than I have since I visited Len and Ella (also imaginary internet friends) last summer. I can’t thank them enough for all that they gave me.

Marvin and my other internet friends remind me of my brothers who are also men of incredible honor and integrity just like our dad was, it was how we were raised. I am currently staying at the home of my brother Rod and my beautiful sister-in-law Ada. Again, they have offered me their hospitality, warmth, acceptance and love. I can’t thank them enough. My sister-in-law also happens to be the best massage therapist I have ever had. She has such a depth of knowledge of her craft and can reduce me to feeling like an unraveled mitten in no time. Total bliss. Thanks Ada!

Aside from being blessed by their generosity, because I visited them back-to-back, I noticed the similarities in both Marvin & Naomi’s relationship and Rod & Ada’s. I was thankful to have the opportunity to watch both of these long term couples interact and it has given me insight into my relationships. There are few key elements in their relationships and the way they treat each other that stood out to me. In no particular order, these include respect, laughter, affection, appreciation/value, and trust:

Respect. Whether it is choosing a movie for date night or supporting the other in going back to get a massage therapy license, each of these two couples respected their partner’s opinion. There was no competition, no belittling, just an acceptance of the other as an equal being worthy of respect and working together as a team.
Laughter. They tease each other, laugh at each other’s foibles, and they know that the teasing from their partner is with love and free of malice. They have fun together.
Affection. They hold hands, look into each other’s eyes, stop to hug each other. There is a communication between them that requires no words. Daily intimacy is key in keeping their relationships alive.
Appreciation and value. They appreciate what the other does and value what they bring to their lives. Whether it is making dinner, doing laundry, giving a massage, allowing an out-of-town friend or relative to come visit, … whatever. Each partner, without the other present, would talk about how much they appreciate their mate, how being with them makes their lives better, and what a good person he/she is.
Trust. They trust each other with a tangible, fundamental trust that can’t be described. It is the backbone of their healthy relationships.

There are more intangibles that I can’t describe, these couples have been together for a long time, but those are the things that really struck me. And their relationships hold a mirror up for me for all my relationships, not just romantic ones. The people I keep in my life are people I respect and who show me respect in return. They are people who I can laugh and have fun with. They are people that give affection and who appreciate and value what I bring to their lives and in whom I value in return and who outwardly show that value and appreciation. They are people I can trust. Those things are all necessary elements of healthy relationships.

Reflecting on that made me feel pretty good about the relationships I have been cultivating. For a long time, I felt I had to be liked by everyone. I put everyone’s needs ahead of my own and would keep giving my heart to relationships with people that really weren’t into having a reciprocal relationship with me. That mentality allowed me to be taken advantage of in some pretty extreme ways. Now, basking in the love of the healthy relationships I have, it is easy to see how much my current relationships enrich my life and how destructive those former relationships were.

So thank you to Marvin & Naomi and Rod & Ada for allowing me to glimpse your lives. And thank you to all my wonderful friends and family. I appreciate you. You all add tremendous value to my life.

You just jump…

Posted on December 8, 2013 by rangotti

I have written about this before but after talking with some wonderful new old friends last night, I figured it was worth another post. Fear is the great equalizer.

There is a great quote, “the only thing you have to fear is fear itself”. That is so true, my adventures have helped me to realize that whatever it is I am scared of in life, the “thing” isn’t the scary part, it is my fear of the thing. And if I can push myself through whatever I am afraid of then I own it, it doesn’t own me anymore.

So many of my readers of this blog think I am this adventurous, courageous, kick-ass person. I want to make sure you all realize, I am a chubby, average, plain person. I am scared of the most ridiculous things just like everyone else is. The one difference is that I have reached a point where I refuse to let the fear of those things rule my life. My friend Tony once described how I face fears. He said, “It is like you are climbing the ladder on the high dive. You complain and whine the whole way up about how you can’t do it. Then when you get to the top, with no fanfare, no agonizing… you just jump”. And that pretty much describes it. The initial whining and complaining is how I work my way though my fear and then, about the time my friends are ready to strangle me, I say “screw it” and just do it.

My friend Don4 once said “life is a gift, live it”. You can’t let fear rule your one ride on this planet. You have to live each day as if it were a gift and honor that gift to its fullest potential. When I was 44 and had just moved to Seattle, newly separated from a marriage that lasted over half my life and struggling to figure out what to do, my brother Rod said something to me that I remind myself of everyday. He said “Robin, you’ve got 30 more years. If there is something you want to do, you need to do it now, because when you are 74 you aren’t going to want to be whitewater kayaking or riding a mountain bike. You can either be like our mother who is constantly complaining about all she didn’t get to do and wishes she had or you can be talking about all the adventures that you did do”. Those words have stuck with me. Now at 50, I have 25 more years to get it done. I don’t have time to waste on fear holding me back.

Last night, I did something that was really scary. I went to a party with some people I hadn’t seen in 34 years since I left the small town I grew up in. Let me tell you, high school isn’t for everyone and it definitely wasn’t for me. I think, out of a graduating class of about 120, my class rank was in the 80’s. I didn’t put a whole lot of effort into being anything but a screw up. So there wasn’t really any reason that these people should accept me at all. And I was terrified. If I had allowed that fear to control what I did, then I wouldn’t be in Maine right now looking out at the beautiful sunrise over the river and I wouldn’t have had a chance to see my family. But even more tragically, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to reconnect with some absolutely amazing people that I got to talk to last night. I would have missed lots of laughter, funny glasses, and amazing stories. My only regret was not having time to have really deep conversations with all of them.

The people I got to spend the most time with were simply amazing. They are people of passion, they love their jobs, their families, and their communities. They have so much heart and compassion for the people and the world around them. They work hard and they play hard. They live their lives in ways that suck the marrow right out of the bones of life, no holes barred, open, authentic and absolutely wonderful. I couldn’t help but just be honored to be able to talk to them all. Thanks Kirk for the invite, it was a privilege to be able to see you all once again.

The lesson here for anyone that needs it… just jump. Do whatever you need to get up the ladder of the “fear” high dive: whine, cry, get angry, whatever you have to do. But once you reach the top… just jump. Don’t let fear ruin your opportunity to live your life on your own terms. What is the worst that could happen? Last night, if I hadn’t liked the party or if someone had said something untoward, I would have just left. Simple as that. But if you don’t try, you will never find those people who are meant to be in your life or who are meant to influence your life.

We have to put ourselves out into the world authentically as who we are. Those who want to be part of our lives will gravitate towards us, interested in us. Those who don’t just aren’t interested and that is okay. Not everyone is going to be interested, just like not everyone is interested in football or knitting. We all have different preferences. Why would we want people in our lives that really aren’t interested in the authentic people that we are? Why would we want people in our lives that we always have to be someone we aren’t just to get them to stay? Why would we want to waste so much of our precious gift of life and time on this earth in that kind of unhealthy relationship? Yet we do it all the time. I am guilty of it also. I have wasted years on one-sided, unhealthy friendships.

Just put yourself out there. Go to a restaurant, bring a book, or just sit at the bar and people watch and talk to the bartender. Go to a park and sit with the sunshine on your face enjoying nature around you. Take a class, learn someone new, maybe something you are even a little scared to try. Talk to your classmates, listen to them. Find the ones you gravitate toward and establish friendships. If they don’t reciprocate, they just weren’t the right person, let it go and move on to the next.

Last night I asked several people my two questions that I like to ask people when I meet them: 1) What do you want me to know about who you are? and 2) what don’t you want me to know? The people that can answer both those questions from their heart, risking the vulnerability for me to see inside their passions and their darkest fears, those are the people I gravitate toward. And last night, they answered my questions with amazing honesty and forthrightness. And I was honored and blessed to hear their stories. Thanks everyone!

Adventure of the day…

Posted on December 3, 2013 by rangotti

Sorry for being so absent about writing this blog. I have been distracted by having adventures with a beautiful set of two-and-a half-year-old twins.

I have mentioned that for a long time I was stuck in longing for my old life back. Even though I kept plodding along seemingly moving forward with my life, my heart was still wrapped in memories of the past. To those looking from the outside, it might seem like that time of longing was wasted, but it wasn’t. Everything is a process. For me, letting go of my life took a period of grieving and mourning. It took me a while to go through that process but it was absolutely necessary to be able to actually move on. Even when I was mired in that process and it seemed like I was stuck, I have come to realize that I didn’t keep standing still and I am proud of that. I made some mistakes, had some successes, and even though my heart was caught up in another time, I kept moving forward regardless. Or maybe, it was just that my friends kept shoving me forward but either way the result has been the same. Here I am.

Today, I am packing to leave my son’s house after a lovely visit with my son and his beautiful wife and the two most amazing grandchildren in the whole world (I might have mentioned that before). Although I am sad to be leaving, this time it isn’t the soul-sucking sadness that it has been in the past where I was pining for my life back. This time, it is different. I know that I will wrap these memories up from this visit and all the love they contain and I will keep them close to my heart while I am living the life I am in right now at this moment, confident that I always have the love of my family. And I know that someday soon, Patrick, Heather, Brooklyn, and Charlotte are going to come to visit me in Seattle and we will make a whole host of new memories.

So I am heading to Boston to visit some friends and play tourist in a city that I have loved since I was a teenager in New England. Then I am heading to Maine to see my family and to do something that I never ever thought I would do. I am going to go to a party where I will see all my friends from high school that I haven’t seen in 33 years. I have had a few pangs of trepidation, wondering what to heck I am doing that for, but then I realize it is a great story collecting opportunity. And that is what life is, a collection of stories.

You see, high school isn’t for everyone and it certainly wasn’t a great time for me. Having been the victim of an early sexual assault as a pre-teen, I turned to drugs and alcohol at a very young age because I didn’t know how to handle the emotions of what had happened to me. My parents went through a difficult divorce, my dad remarried, and I just spiraled out of control. So my memories of high school and my friends memories of me aren’t the greatest. I wasn’t a very nice person. But here is the thing…I am not that girl anymore.

So I get to go back and meet these people again. I am a new person and so are they. We get to laugh and enjoy each other’s company. I will get to hear their stories of how their lives have evolved; stories of love and loss, joy and heartbreak. I want to listen and understand who they are as people. I want to know what touches their soul. It is an opportunity to make new friends all over again. So even with my moments of trepidation, I find that I am really looking forward to the opportunity. I want to see them with new eyes and an open heart and hopefully, they will be able to look at me the same way.

Then, after spending some time with my extraordinary brothers and their families, I am heading back to Seattle to see my beautiful daughter and her amazing partner Ethan and their new puppy. I am going to visit with my friends and do some skiing and spend Christmas at Tony and Ken’s beautiful home. I get to ride my bike and talk math education with Keri. I have to say, I am looking forward to being back in Seattle.

Everything is different. It is like my life is brand new. Every day is an adventure.

The best kind of guide…

Posted on November 23, 2013 by rangotti

A few years ago, the day after I took my first and only powder skiing lesson and while I was still only a comfortable blue run skier, my friend Matt and I went up to Stevens Pass where, on the first run of the day after a foot of new snow, Matt suggests we go up Seventh Heaven, an ungroomed, black diamond run. Matt, with his usual encouragement says “Robin, you can totally do this, I will stay right beside you the whole time”. We get off the chair at the top, Matt straps his boots into his snowboard and he is gone…I got down that mountain by myself solely for the purpose of wringing his neck when I finally got to the bottom. His response to me, “but you did it, and now you know you can do it again”. I swear I don’t know why I listen to that kid sometimes.

When Matt suggested I come to Nepal, his words were “come to Nepal, I will be your guide. You just get here, I will take care of the rest”. Yeah, I still haven’t learned yet. When I got to Nepal, as typical of the way he “guides” me, he starts off by getting us a bus ride to Pokhara where he asks me, “did you get a hotel room”? Hmmm…. is this part of the “you’ll take care of everything plan?”. Typically, it was like that with everything that happened in the two weeks I was there. The kid had no plan at all… or did he? I joked with him one day and asked exactly what “kind of guide he was” since he pretty left me to figure everything out on my own and to handle all the crises that came up. His answer: “I am the best kind of guide”. I am still trying to figure out whether the boy is a brilliant or just an accidental genius. Either way, once again, it worked.

But it takes coming home to truly realize how far you’ve come. The greatest gift of travel isn’t the adventure, new countries, languages, foods, customs, etc… or all the things that traveling brings. Those are all great but are only part of the real gift of travel. The real gift is returning home, forever changed. I am very proud of where I am at this moment.

So where am I? Physically, I recently returned to my son’s home in North Carolina to spend Thanksgiving (American) with my son and my lovely daughter-in-law and the two most amazing grandchildren ever, Brooklyn and Charlotte.

I have been here less than 48 hours and I am already amazed at how I feel. In the past, when I visited my son, who lives in my former marital home, I was always bombarded with memories and thoughts of how life “should have worked out for me”. I had always expected to be living in this house, happily married to the man I loved, celebrating holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas with our children and grandchildren coming to visit us. I would ride past the university I went to and used to teach for and just be overwhelmed with missing the friends I had, the job I was great at, the life I loved, all of it. I would long for my past life back. I hadn’t realized how much that longing was holding me back until now.

The night I cried to Matt in Nepal, something changed in me. Maybe it was the yoga and meditation or maybe it was the stark conditions of the country and pushing myself through physical difficulty and preserving. Maybe it was the spiritual nature of hiking up to the World Peace Pagoda or up to the top of Sarankot or maybe it was the awe-inspiring site of looking out at the Himalayas which is a sight I will never forget as long as I live. Maybe it happened while I as paragliding with vultures or when I fell off the side of the cliff and was hanging by the vegetation and lost my shoes and had to walk back to my hotel barefoot. Maybe it happened through just overcoming obstacles and crises and realizing that I could face any challenge on my own. Regardless, sometime during that time, something changed.

I knew I felt different when I left Nepal and went to Barcelona, I just didn’t realize how different I was until I came back into the familiar environment in which I spent almost half my life. The familiarity of that world was in stark contrast to the person I have become. Now, I sit in this house and it glows with the energy and vitality of my grandchildren and the love my son and his wife share. I got to meet my ex-husband’s lovely and charming girlfriend and watch them interact with my two beautiful granddaughters who love them dearly. I couldn’t help but feel joy in my heart for all of it, for such a loving and happy family. It is something I never could have imagined over the darkness of the past 6 years.

I look around this place where I used to live. I have appreciated the beautiful changing seasons, the friendliness of the people, the beauty of the campus and know that I hold no attachment to it other than in appreciation of the memories of all the wonderful times I spent here. It was a wonderful place to raise two beautiful, well-adjusted children, and where I had the opportunity for an amazing career teaching high school and the start of my college teaching career. It is a place where I had spectacular friends and experiences, and where I loved and laughed and lived over half of my life.

Life is sweet, all of it, the good and the bad. Because of everything that happened, my beautiful daughter got to finish college, start a great career, and meet her amazing partner Ethan. Everything that happened gave me an opportunity to fall in love with the PNW and all the remarkable treasures that area of the world holds. It gave me the chance to reach down into the most creative part of myself and take risks in my career. It has given me a wealth of new experiences and friends that I never would have otherwise met.

I am more centered, happy, confident, peaceful, and accepting than I have ever been in my whole life. Traveling and returning home has made me that much more aware of how great a gift my life has been.

Namaste

Asking the wrong question…

Posted on November 18, 2013 by rangotti

It kind of sucks when I have been on sabbatical now for five months and just realized I have been searching for answers to the wrong questions.

I keep asking myself who do I want to be? What I have realized is that identity isn’t about my choices, my choices are going to be sometimes good and sometimes not so good, but they don’t define who I am. Identity is about my essence as a human being. That essence isn’t going to change. I am not going to suddenly stop caring about people or stop being the positive, loving, warm, compassionate, reflective, thoughtful person that I am. That is the essence of who I am and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

The other question I have been asking myself is what would make me happy. Today while I have been in Barcelona, I have enjoyed visiting two places which Antoni Gaudi was the architect. My plan was to visit Casa Batllo, Sagrada Familia, and then walk over to Parc Guell but I didn’t make it. The rain, my earache, and my exhaustion did me in before the last 2+ mile walk to Parc Guell.

What I realized at Casa Batllo was that Gaudi was a genius as an architect and also was one of the most creative risk-takers the planet has ever seen. I was captivated by the brilliance and non-traditional style of his work. I tried to picture what it must have been like to live in Casa Batllo. Nothing in our square line architecture can prepare us for how different it must have been to have a house that was patterned after sea creatures. I couldn’t decide if it felt more like a hobbit house or like something from The Little Mermaid. On one hand, it must have seemed strange and gotten old. But on the other, I can see where the family might have grown to love it. Either way, it was magnificent and certainly one of the most creative works I have ever seen. I am not sure I could have given it up to turn it into the museum it is now.

After leaving there in the persistent downpour Barcelona has experienced for the last three days, I headed to the Basilica Sagrada Familia. I stopped for lunch along the way to dry off and have some yummy jamon and queso and beer. I was glad I had the sustenance in me in order to walk the last couple of miles in the rain.

Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, could have prepared me for what I was about to see when I got to the church (photos below). I figured I had seen enough Spanish churches that I would be impressed but not shocked from every sense in my body. The outside was shrouded in construction apparatus so I wasn’t impressed yet. Then I walked into the finished interior. I grew up Catholic, but left the church a long time ago. But I have to admit, in that instant, I was once again proud to be Catholic. And for the first time in what seems like forever, I found myself praying.

I could post a few of the hundreds of pictures I took, but none are going to do justice to the size and scope and the overwhelming sensory experience that is the Sagrada Familia. It effected all of my senses and was an completely immersive, emotional experience like nothing I have ever felt before. It was Gaudi’s crowning achievement. He spent 14 years of his life on the project until he was tragically hit by a tram in 1926. The project is still only 60% completed. The interior was finished and dedicated by Pope Benedict XVI in 2010. The exterior is still under construction.

What struck me as I stood there is that Gaudi believed in what he was doing enough to devote his life to the project. He paid attention to the detail in every curve, hyperbola, and trigonometric function. His heart is in the enormous columns that were inspired by trees, in the spiral staircases, statues, arcs and apexes, Gaudi’s commitment, desire, spirituality, and sheer creativity and inspiration comes to life in that structure. I was struck by the question of what does it take to have that level of commitment to something? I was literally standing there with tears running down my face and all that is going through my head.

That is when I realized I have been asking myself the wrong question. The question isn’t what will make me happy… the question I should be asking is what is important enough to sacrifice for? What is important enough to suffer for? It is kind of like losing weight. If it is important enough to devote hours to the gym and focus on diet, you will do it. Or getting a degree, if it is important enough to you, you will do whatever it takes to achieve that goal. Whatever you will give your time and effort to, sacrifice and suffer for is where your heart is. So the question is, what are you willing to suffer for?

In my life, I have always had something I had to work really hard and put in effort for. I got a degree so I could take care of my family, National Board certification so I could teach my students well and take care of my family, a PhD so I could have a better career and teach my students better and take care of my family, paying off debt so I could take care of my family…I am seeing a pattern here. All of those things were worth working for, my family was worth working for. But my kids are grown, the husband is gone, the only person that needs me is me, and that feels different. When I had them, when I had a cause, I worked so hard. I haven’t had a cause in over a year and I have been adrift trying to find purpose for my life. But I have been asking the wrong question to find my answers. Instead of asking what will make me happy, I need to ask what will I be willing to put in the effort for? What am I willing to work that hard for, to sacrifice for? Because ultimately, where we are willing to put in the effort, that is where our heart is.

I leave Barcelona and have one more stop in Zürich before I get back to the U.S. for awhile to regroup with my family and do a little skiing with my friends. I have a lot to think about after this trip. I have a lot of unanswered questions still.

Caveat: I have about 500 photos from today. My camera battery is dead and I just grabbed a few. They aren’t the best and this was just my point and shoot not my good camera.

Finding the lesson

Posted on November 16, 2013 by rangotti

Thanks to Matt (the other one) for the guest blog post. Between the inconsistent internet in Nepal and traveling, I have had trouble keeping up with blogging so I really appreciated him stepping in. I especially want to say to Matt, thank you for speaking from your heart. It is hard to let yourself be vulnerable and write what you feel for the internet to see. It is like exposing your insides. It takes courage and authenticity. You did it very well. If I haven’t said it before, thank you for your support during that time in my life. I am not sure how I would have done it without you. And those were my favorite shorts, btw. I can’t believe I let you talk me into getting rid of them!!!!!

I am not sure what my motivation was for going to Nepal and altering my trip to Spain, I guess I just reacted to an opportunity that presented itself. But whatever the motivation was, I have absolutely no regrets about going. The experience increased my confidence in myself and my ability to handle most situations calmly and without worrying and for that alone, it would have been worth it. To go with no plan and just take life’s experiences as they happened was a very eye opening experience for someone who has always been a planner. It was totally spontaneous and joyful.

This post was going to be about all that I learned in Nepal. Yet just typing that last paragraph made me think about my former marriage. Maybe there is a lesson I am supposed to be learning that I haven’t seen yet. It is interesting, when we went to marriage therapy, my ex and I had to meet with the marriage therapist and we had to tell him our goals for therapy, i.e. what we hoped to get out of it. My ex’s goal was for me to be more spontaneous. I think this trip shows that I have pretty much reached that goal. My goal was to have a partner, someone who would be honest with me about the good and the bad, letting me help in times of struggle and celebrate his successes in times of joy. Someone who wouldn’t just run away and check out like he did when things were hard, because he was too intimidated by my success to tell me of his troubles. That still holds true of what I want in a partner today. A partnership is about communicating the good and the bad to your mate, letting them see who you are, letting them stand beside you, supporting each other in all things, cheering each other on, encouraging each other. At least that is what a partnership means to me.

After typing all that, I was going to rewrite this post with its intended focus of all the great things I learned from my trip. It is not quite 5 am here in Barcelona and it is pouring outside, I am a little sick and a little jet-lagged. And it just hit me that it is Nov 17. Five years ago on this day, a judge signed a decree and pronounced me a single woman after being happily married over half my life.

Letting go is hard. That is my lesson for today.

From a friend…

Posted on November 15, 2013 by rangotti

Greetings from Wichita Falls, TX!

The first time I met Robin was in a bar in Paso Robles, CA. Although I had never met her (we began our friendship online), I felt I knew her well. In the heat of my impending divorce, she became one of my closest pen pals, offering emotional support and advice to get through the turmoil that had replaced what I thought was a very good life. Little did I know that meeting her would change how I live and redefine my personality.

It all started with a sexy black dress. That black dress revealed an artistic truth (her tattoo) I was unaware of. I don’t know what I expected, but the person I met was both exactly who I thought she was and someone completely different than anticipated. With a warm hug, the Internet personality was replaced by a living, breathing individual possessing warmth, depth, and vulnerability. I do not believe she realized this at the time, but she instantly became one of my most cherished friends. We mingled throughout the bar that night, meeting people from various parts who came together for the joy of cycling. What struck me the most was how engaged Robin was in every conversation. She listened to everyone, invested 100% in the subject matter at hand. Robin’s sincerity was new to me. I began to realize that most of the people I knew – colleagues, friends, etc. – just did not possess the emotional investment in others that Robin invests. In a word, I immediately trusted her.

After some great riding, we gathered as a group to celebrate the day’s events. I remember feeling isolated. I am a large guy, a former football player, not exactly the typical cyclist. I felt out of place. Sitting on the steps of the porch, drinking a beer, Robin came over, sat down beside me, and we quickly moved into a deep conversation, relaying our fears, our hurt, and how we planned on moving on. I don’t remember exactly how it happened, but she mentioned her sabbatical, a yearlong event that was to be an awakening, an exploration of the world. As I often do, I offered to help her move out of her apartment, even though I lived 1200 miles away. I really didn’t think she would take me up on the offer. But she did. A few weeks later, I was in Seattle (my favorite city), immersed in Robin’s life…. and her stuff. Between eating great food, seeing her favorites spots, and meeting her wonderful friends and family, we went through all of her possessions, slowly purging all of the things that were a part of a former life. In the end, everything that she owned was in a small corner of a one-bedroom apartment. Her purge was truly impressive.

The purging process was at times very emotional, and other times, funny as hell. (Robin: remember the jean shorts argument?) Most of all, it was courageous. Robin’s courage to change EVERYTHING in her life, to move on from the shackles of a former existence, impressed upon me how much metaphorical baggage we carry. This is not to say there was no fear; she commented many times how she didn’t believe she could do it. Yet, she never wavered from her commitment to see it through. Robin’s belief in herself and her ability to rise above fear should never be underestimated. She once said to me that it isn’t about the absence of fear, but the acceptance of fear, fear that is a natural part of who we are.

As I have moved into a new job, new city, new relationship, a new design for how I plan to live my life, I cannot thank Robin enough for her influence on me and on the lives of others. In reality, she helped save me from myself. I volunteered to help write a blog entry before I actually thought it through. I didn’t think she would hop on board with it so quickly. And while I feel my life is rather mundane in comparison to Robin’s experiences, I thought this would be a great opportunity to explain to her how much her friendship means to me, and that, while absent physically, those who read this blog travel with her in spirit. Robin has lived more in the past year than most do in a lifetime, sharing her experiences and vulnerability without succumbing to the fear, and for that, Robin, I thank you. I am humbled and can only hope I live up to the standard which you have set.

Matt (the other one)

Take bigger steps…

Posted on November 10, 2013 by rangotti

I had that excellent falconry lesson and paragliding experience the other day. Then I wrote a blog post about how great I was doing and the lessons I was learning. Well just like with most lessons learned, it isn’t a linear process.

When I was in Spain, totally at rock bottom emotionally, Matt asked how I was doing and, in the absolute honesty he and I share between us, I said “It is one step forward, three steps back”. His response was “take bigger steps forward”. He always knows how the right thing to say to make me feel better and to make me laugh. Then he said “come to Nepal”. And as with most of his suggestions, he was right. Nepal has been good for my soul. I not only feel better physically, I feel stronger emotionally. But it hasn’t been without challenges. Here it is has been two steps forward one step back, so at least I am going forward.

Have you ever noticed how powerful words are? I think it was in my last blog post that I talked about the tape that plays in my head (and every other human beings also). That tape is made up of things that have been said to me over the course of my life. From the initial words our parents used to show disapproval of something we said or did, from social groups of teenagers when identity is forming, to cruel words by a random stranger on the street. All of those words become the social norms that tell us we aren’t good enough, skinny enough, athletic enough, pretty enough, etc. And even more damaging is when we get to the place where we say those words to ourselves.

Words are the most powerful force that human beings possess. Because of that power, we should be careful what we do with them, both with other people and ourselves. Ever since I left Ethiopia, I have had the “failure” tape cued up in my head. One of the personal “laws” I have always lived by, that was instilled in me as a child, is never quitting. When I give someone my loyalty, I will stay with it until the bitter end, even at the expense of myself. Enforcing boundaries is a constant struggle for me. So Ethiopia felt like a failure. It threw me into depression. To snap out of it, I rushed off to Spain where I had one failure after another, from cycling to ordering tapas. I kept trying to get out of my head but was pretty much in a death spiral.

So I came to Nepal at Matt’s suggestion. I made it here, negotiated travel between two foreign countries on my own, had a successful falconry lesson and paragliding session, and was feeling pretty confident and better than I had in weeks. Things were looking up. Then, two things happened. One was a comment someone made and the other was that I went to yoga. The comment came from someone behind me while hiking in a group down an embankment into a riverbed. The path was very slippery. The person in the back, speaking to the person in front of her about the slippery path said “I would hate to have to try to get a tourist out of here if they got hurt. Can you imagine something happening to someone like Robin?” Ouch. That started the not athletic, uncoordinated, old lady tape playing in my head. And of course, about 2 minutes later I slipped and fell on my ass, unhurt.

Then, I went to yoga. I used to be pretty good at yoga but it is amazing how much a year off of regular practice will do to you. And the yoga here is very different. The teacher was great and I left the class happy, centered and ready to face the day. But before the day was out my own judgment of my performance was in full swing. Matt was leaving the next day for Shirkot so messaged me to ask me what time I wanted to eat dinner. By then, I was all in my own head and couldn’t even imagine he would want to hang out with an athletically challenged, ugly, fat old lady. *CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC*. Dear heavens, sometimes I have to wonder about myself.

So I meet my friend for dinner. If you haven’t realized it yet, Matt is good at everything he does. His lovely girlfriend Amanda and I were trying to think of something he isn’t good at and we couldn’t. He is amazingly athletic, ridiculously smart, not ugly, funny, compassionate, and has to be the most non-judgmental person I have ever known in my whole life. During dinner, he said I seemed sad. Since I refuse to be anything but honest with him, by the time we ate dinner, I was crying and had told him how pathetic I was. I had even regressed all the way to hating traveling and wanting to go home and wanting my life back. I mean, all the way back to before I moved to Washington. Matt didn’t judge, didn’t roll his eyes, didn’t even crack a smile at how dramatic I was being. He just let me get all the poison out. Then he made me laugh and reminded me about the last existential crisis I had when we went skiing one day last year.

Later that evening, nice and emotionally cleansed, I started thinking about all the adventures we have had together. From kayaking, skiing, paragliding, rock climbing, hiking, camping, riding on a motorcycle in Nepal (YIKES), wine tasting, and a hundred other things. We have had epic discussions on life, love, family, education, and just about everything you can think of. And then it hit me. In all that time, he has never judged me on how much I weigh, how slow I am at learning something like rolling a boat or tying a knot, or criticized any of my opinions of things even when they didn’t agree with his. He has never been frustrated at how slowly I hike or when I need to take a break. He has never been embarrassed by my physical appearance. There was the time Matt wanted to go out for brunch after kayaking but I didn’t have a ponytail holder so tried to beg off and he wouldn’t hear of it. When my hair dried in the sunshine, it was crazy medusa hair. He looked up at me and said “your hair is so awesome”. I looked like Albert Einstein. He has never been anything but encouraging. Here is this person, athletic, smart, funny…and he just wants to hang out and encourages me. He only gets sad when I won’t try. So if he doesn’t have the “Robin’s not good enough” tape playing in his head, why do I?

So while he has been gone the past couple of days, I took a page from his book. I decided I would treat myself like Matt treats me. Yesterday, I hiked up to the Peace Pagoda. The path was moderate, but I was definitely sweating by the time I reached the top. I just went at my own pace, I didn’t beat myself up about how fast or slow I was going. Guidebook says it should take about an hour, I made it in 45 minutes with no pressure. Today, I got up at dawn and hiked up Sarangkot which is about twice as steep and twice as far. Again, I didn’t beat myself up, just kept hiking and enjoying the moment. Made it before the clouds set in, took some great pictures and sat up at the top meditating and then wrote in my journal. I had planned to take a cab down, but it was too beautiful a day so I hiked back down too. It made me feel so good that tomorrow, after yoga, I am going to do it again.

So for two days now, whenever the tape even starts with what I can’t do, I tell myself to try…just try. Maybe I can’t do it, but I will do a little more tomorrow until I can. It doesn’t matter how fast I do it or how well. I just have to try. I am going reprogram my brain with powerful words that don’t allow for fear-based thinking. I am trying to develop an identity that has no place for emotionally poisoning and physically limiting words.

Note: Not sure why, either wordpress or the network here, but I am not having any success at uploading photos. I will try to add some tomorrow.

You have to believe it from the inside

Posted on November 7, 2013 by rangotti

It is funny, I usually am trying to think about what to blog that would be of interest to the people reading this. Today someone made the comment about how “same” my posts have become. Hmm…maybe there are some of those repeat lessons I have learned, you know, the ones life tries to hit you in the head with over and over but you don’t listen? Yeah, I have a lot of those. Maybe, it takes me so long because although externally and intellectually, I have heard the lesson, I haven’t yet reached the point where I own it, where I believe it emotionally, where I believe it on the inside.

I met a great couple at dinner tonight. The wife is a yoga instructor and as we had a conversation about class tomorrow, I made one of those comments about not having practiced in awhile, being out of shape, not being athletic, not flexible enough, too fat, etc etc etc…the tape that plays in my head over and over when faced with anything physical. See, here is the thing, we all have that tape, something that tells us that we aren’t good enough. Mine is not being athletic and/or not being pretty enough. She said it doesn’t matter, it isn’t about being “good”, it is about believing it from the inside, it has to come from your heart or why even bother doing it? Otherwise, it is just work. That is what this post is about.

Things I have been learning – a summary of the last 6 months

Traveling: I hate traveling. I hate living out of suitcases. I hate the feeling of having to keep up with my passport or having to worry that, if it gets lost, of not being allowed back into my own country. I hate worrying about details. I hate the feeling of trying to figure out where I am when I have no maps, there are no street signs, and I don’t speak the language. But as challenging as I find traveling and as much as I dislike those inconveniences, I also love the knowledge that traveling gives a person in life.

Culture is a very important thing and I am not minimizing it. But when you strip away culture, we are all human beings. People love, laugh, get angry, hurt, sleep, eat, need…no matter what culture they are from. As you see other people in other places, once you get over the shock of a different culture, you recognize that the underlying humanity is all the same. Love and acceptance of other people is what binds us all together.

The other thing I get from traveling is that, when I travel and am out of my comfort zone, the sounds are different, the colors are different, the smells are different, and the routine is different. All my senses are on heightened awareness. Every cell in my body comes alive.

Lesson learned: If you are stuck in a rut, putting yourself in a scary situation is one of the best ways to get out of it. All our excuses of not being good enough, thin enough, athletic enough, social enough, whatever… are just excuses. It might not feel good or comfortable, but when you get through it, you will not only have more confidence, you will feel more totally alive. You see the world around you from a very different perspective. But you have to move out of your comfort zone. That doesn’t necessarily mean traveling, but it means facing fears head on from the inside, because that is where fear lives.

Friendships: I am in Nepal right now with my friend Matt, who I have blogged about a lot so I won’t go into another Matt story (although I have several). Because we are such unlikely friends (gender and age differences), a lot of people ask us how we met and are interested in our friendship. I always tell them that sometimes the universe gives you a gift, and my gift when I was struggling to get through a divorce and learn how to be alone again was Matt. We are only friends, but every 40 something woman getting divorced should have a platonic friendship with a younger person who can teach her how to play again after a lifetime of responsibility to a husband, children, home, job, etc. Someone who can teach her how to put herself first.

But it isn’t a one way street. I haven’t been the only one to benefit from that relationship, Matt has too. He has had the benefit of being a young person and having role reversal of an older person treating him as wise, to listen to him, to take his advice. And he has asked for my advice too and I have been the one to listen or to be there for him when he needed me. I don’t talk about those times because those are Matt’s stories to tell, not mine. Someone tonight told me that I should write a book about this experience, but for the first time, they also told Matt that he should write it with me, because friendship doesn’t just go one way.

Lesson learned: Tennyson said it best “I am a part of all I have met”. Every person we meet has an effect on us, and we on them. And it doesn’t matter if we think we are strong enough, thin enough, athletic enough… whatever, we still have the power to influence all that we meet. To think that we don’t have an influence on the people around us with what we say or do and that we have no responsibility to people other than ourselves is crazy. Every person, even the beggar on the street who asked us for change has impacted us somehow. The opposite, to believe that we influence others yet somehow others don’t influence us in return, is also incredibly unrealistic. We are all changed by encountering and knowing other people. All of us have that power to give and receive to all the people that we meet. We have to ask ourselves, what are we giving? And what are we receiving from those encounters? Whether they are positive or negative is in our control and that control happens on the inside.

I have learned that the planet is a very, very small place and that our actions have consequences. People’s lives can be enhanced or diminished by our actions and we have to take responsibility for those actions. In return, our lives can also be enhanced by those interactions.

Flying with Kevin, the Egyptian vulture

Adventure: I have had my share of adventure. Yesterday, I got to paraglide with an Egyptian vulture who flew before me finding the thermals of air and then would come eat buffalo meat off my hand (yes while in the air) as a reward. It was pretty amazing. Add to that, I had a view of the Himalayas in the background and it went from amazing to spectacular.

Today, I got to go to a “vulture restaurant” where, as part of a conservation effort to help the vulture population which has been suffering in Asia, a cow which had died of natural causes was skinned and left out for the vultures to feed. I got to watch the whole thing from the skinning to feeding and it was one of the most incredible sights I have ever witnessed. Whoever could have imagined how simultaneously majestic and awkward vultures can be? From the huge Himalayan griffins to the Egyptian vultures, the feeding was one of the most intense experiences of nature I have ever witnessed. The cow was picked clean within 60 minutes, an entire cow. It was like being straight in National Geographic live.

Kevin

The thing about vultures, is a lot of people think they are ugly. But if you have ever watched one soar on thermals, they are some of the most majestic birds you will ever watch. And they have value and purpose. If you take the vultures out of the ecosystem like in Asia where they have been dying, the purpose they served which is to get rid of waste gets filled by something else, dogs for example. In our minds, vultures are scary ugly creatures and dogs are happy creatures so this seems like a good thing, right? But unlike vultures, dogs bring and spread diseases which affect humans. They have litters of pups which then attract the jaguars from the hills for puppy snacks, but human children aren’t any different from puppies so then jaguars are killing humans too. So the absence of the vultures means that the whole balance of life is upset. And the reality is, vultures have a bad rap for being “ugly” just because we don’t like what they do. But they are actually beautiful birds if you look at them closely. And you just have to watch one fly, to effortlessly glide on a thermal better than just about any bird out there, well…not only are they useful, they are some of the most beautiful creatures on the planet.

Lesson learned: So many times in life, the tape plays in our heads: I am not good enough, strong enough, or athletic enough. I am too fat, thin, ugly, shy, I am not….enough. Just like with the vultures, all of us, every single human being is both majestic and awkward at the same time. It is what makes us uniquely who we are. And we are all absolutely valuable parts of the system of our lives. We have value. Regardless of what anyone says about us or to us or how anyone judges us on being too fat, ugly, thin, dumb, not socially acceptable in whatever sphere we are in…we have value. So let’s change the tape, push eject and put in a new one. We, no matter how we are judged for outward appearance, have value and we are beautiful. And it has no bearing on how smart, thin, athletic, rich, popular, young, or anything else other people perceive you to be. That beauty and value comes from the inside

My take away from all of this: We are all a vital part of the world around us. We are all part of all who we have met…. and they are part of us. What diminishes one, diminishes all. What enhances one, enhances us all. To diminish or judge others, we are actually diminishing and judging ourselves. To compare ourselves to others, when we have our own unique place in the system, is to diminish our own worth and value. You have to believe it from the inside.

In 12 days, I will be home and I get to see Brooklyn and Charlotte. Life is good.