I will have the same thing…

Posted on August 1, 2013 by rangotti

I was reminded yesterday about being careful not to take things and people for granted. I am reasonably good at being thankful for most of the things in my life. However, sometimes I screw up and take for granted the one person who has been steadfastly there for me. I think it is because I trust, without question, that he will be in life, enriching it in so many ways.

Academic job interviews span two days. You give a research presentation, a teaching presentation, and hour long interviews with dozens of people. It is rigorous. However, as long as I am talking about my work, I am comfortable in those settings. I knew in the interview process when I applied for my job in Seattle that the official dinner would be my greatest challenge. I was a hick girl from rural North Carolina in Seattle having dinner with all these classy, sophisticated people. I had no clue what to order or what kinds conversation to make with these people. I tend to be a little blunt and outspoken and just say whatever pops into my head. My goal was to shut my mouth and try to keep them talking as much as possible and to hopefully not order anything stupid off the menu. That was my plan.

Tony takes amazing photos. He is really creative

So I get to the dinner and there is Tony. Handsome, sophisticated, and the most articulate person I have ever met. I was in trouble. The waitress came over to take our order. Tony ordered an incredible glass of wine and the salmon which was plank seared. Now, just to give you some context, where I came from wine comes in two flavors, white and red, and I had no idea what “plank seared” meant. So of course, after he ordered and the waitress turned to me, I said “that sounds great, I will have the same thing”. I had no idea if I would even like it or not. Tony then drew me into a conversation about pig pickin’s and hush puppies and had the whole table laughing hysterically. I just knew that I had blown the whole interview right there. They had to have thought I needed to be in the kitchen frying something rather than in an academic position. I was surprised when they offered me my job.

About a week after starting my job, I was walking down the hallway carrying geoboards. Tony was walking past me and said “geoboards, fun!”. Since Tony is the literacy professor, I was taken aback. I mean, seriously, how many people outside of math even know what geoboards are? So I asked him how he knew about geoboards and he told me that he went to a school taught by hippies so he was “raised on geoboards and autoharps”. How could anyone not be friends with a guy who can come back with a line like that? The timing of his humor is always perfect.

Robin & Tony. What a great friend to hold his hand over my neck to hide the multiple chins.

The friendship was born at that moment. Tony and I have had so many great adventures. Eating and drinking our way through Seattle Met magazine’s best happy hour edition, spending spring break pretending we were in Baja by going over to Alki Beach for Mexican food (it was snowing and we were in parkas on the beach), finding all the places with the best chicken in Seattle (Cafe Presse, Crow, Ken & Tony’s kitchen), the most amazing meal ever at Canlis, our famous end-of-quarter grade submission brunches complete with mimosas/martinis/madeira flights at 10 am. There have been picnics on sunny days, the Bloedel Reserve on Pi Day, an unforgettable birthday trip to Portland, a life-changing trip to NYC, a New Year’s Eve with 48 gorgeous men, and a disastrous game of croquet on the parade grounds of Fort Warden where the movie an Officer and an Gentleman was filmed, a game which was saved when Tony’s dad came to the rescue with a very civilized pitcher of gin and tonics.

Evening at Boom Noodle with Kristen, Ellen, Jessica, Tony & Ken

And then there are the infamous Happy Friday emails…I could go on and on. Each adventure has been memorable. My adventures with Tony definitely make up the brunt of all the great times I have had in Seattle. He is the best friend I could have ever asked for. We supported each other through tenure, have cried over the end of relationships, worked on grants, written papers together, and been there for each other in all the areas of our lives. He and his partner Ken have taught me about wine, great food, amazing restaurants, how to cut an avocado, art, music, vacations and relaxation. They opened up the world for me. With friendship, unconditional acceptance, respect, honor, loyalty, and love, they have helped me become the woman I am. I love them with all my heart. I haven’t let myself think about what it is going to be like next year without them nearby. I don’t want to think about it.

I hope everyone reading this has someone in their life that is so much a part of them that the relationship seems almost effortless. Those are the sweetest kinds of relationships, but also the most easy to take for granted. We can get consumed with other relationships that take a lot of effort and forget the ones that are simple. If you have someone in your life like that, just take a moment to tell them how much they really mean to you. Those are the relationships that should get the most care, not the least.

Tony Smith, my friend, my brother, my partner in crime…I love you and am the woman I am because I have known you. You have changed my life. I am so glad I ordered the white wine and plank-seared salmon on that fateful February night in 2007 and had that crazy discussion about pig-pickin’s and hush puppies.

What I have realized in typing this blog post is that being willing to say “I will have the same thing…” or letting someone else order the food for me has been a way that I have pushed myself to try something new and to show people that I trust their choices. Being open to learning new things from others has definitely helped me form the great friendships I have with so many people. I think it makes other people feel valued. It is something I am going to implement in Africa. When I find myself at dinner with an interesting person, I am just going to say “I will have the same thing…” and see where the adventure takes me.

Defibrillator for the Soul

Posted on July 30, 2013 by rangotti

Matt getting ready to fly

Sometimes, I can be a total hypocrite. It is do as I say, not as I do. As I have been getting ready to leave the country, between giving away all my possessions, applying for international visas, getting immunizations, etc. I have been overwhelmed. Instead of doing what I know to do, I have been wallowing in my own self-absorption. Thankfully, I have great friends.

Yesterday, my friend Matt (the one who always gets me into trouble) messages me and asks if I want to go hiking up one of our local mountains in the PNW. Knowing I need to get out of the house, I said sure. The hike is favorite of people in the area and also a local paragliding launch. Matt is in love with paragliding. So he tells me, “we can hike up together, you can walk down and I will fly down”. Okay, that sounds fun. I thought it would be a chance for me to be supportive of something he loves. I would go take some pictures and just spend some time with him. I am going to miss him when I am gone.

Matt stepping off the edge

However, since I have been running around like a crazy woman for the last 4 weeks, eating a bunch of crap, not exercising and drinking too much, I feel terrible. We start to hike and I am just sucking wind. The trail goes up about 1600 feet in a mile and a half so it isn’t long, just steep. I keep saying “Matt, go ahead of me, I’ll catch up”. Of course, the kid won’t listen to anything I say. We chat on the hike and instead of relaxing and enjoying the company of my friend, all I can think of is my anxiety of letting him down by being so out of sorts and making him late for his flight.

Matt flying

We finally get up to the top where the pilots are launching and I was immediately in awe. They were flying! I couldn’t wait for Matt to launch. Even though I am terrified of heights, within 10 minutes of hitting the summit I said to him “I want to do that someday”. He replies “why not today?”. HMM…why not indeed. So I did it. No plan, no arguing, totally spontaneous. I even surprised Matt, who without telling me, had planned it out ahead of time with his friend Mark from Seattle Paragliding. Matt was expecting to have to argue with me to get me to do it.

Flying

It was just what I needed. If I am stuck in a rut, doubting everything in my life, anxiety building, procrastinating, not taking care of myself, etc. there is a quick easy solution: a jolt of courage, kind of like a defibrillator for the soul. I have to get out of my comfort zone and do something that scares me. Facing a fear, feeling success, knowing that I can make my life anything I want it to be, owning my issues, and being the person I want to be is all possible, I just have to do it. It really is that simple.

The coolest thing I have ever done

Got up this morning, went for a run, had a healthy breakfast. Now I am going to do some administrative stuff that needs to get done, mail some gear to my son’s house for storage, mow the grass at the house I am staying at and then tonight…I have a date. Yeah, a real one.

Just like a real defibrillator gives a heart another chance to beat and the person a chance to live, facing a fear and doing it anyway gives a soul another chance to fly and the person a chance to have a whole life.

The Great Equalizer

Posted on July 27, 2013 by rangotti

I can’t believe how fast the summer has gone. All of a sudden, I only have on week left in Seattle, then a week in eastern Washington before I fly to the east coast to see my family in Maine and North Carolina. And then I leave the country. Where did the time go?

I have been surprised by the responses to this blog. I get emails and messages on a weekly basis from people both known and unknown to me. One of the common threads in all of them is to thank me for sharing my story and then to tell me how courageous I am. I always chuckle at that. If I give off the impression of courage, it must be because my terror isn’t coming across via the interwebz.

One reader told me that she always thought that people who are more well-traveled or intelligent than she was are unapproachable, that surely they have never been insecure or vulnerable. She told me she would try not to carry on a conversation with people like that because she might be seen as a “dunce”. All I could think of when reading her letter is that she is depriving all those people of the unique beauty and life perspective that she alone has. Because all of us, every single human being, has a unique story, outlook on life, pearl of wisdom, etc. And the only way to figure out who will connect to us is to risk vulnerability and share our stories.

I spent the last week doing professional development for teachers in a very rural place. In that time, I had the privilege to have dinner with three other women. The only thing we all had in common was that we were all teachers and we were all within 15 years apart in age. We came from very different backgrounds, ethnicity, lifestyles, etc. We spent four hours sharing our stories of joy, heartbreak, betrayal, mistakes, success. We laughed at the unpredictable nature of life and the blessings that come from unexpected places. It was wonderful and I have a greater appreciation for each of these women because I understand their struggles, the risks they have taken, the overwhelming courage they have shown to carve the lives they wanted for themselves. They were spectacular. I look forward to seeing them again.

When I first started writing this blog, I debated making it personal. I was just going to make it a travel blog. Then I realized that if someone wanted to travel to a place and find generic details they could just use Wikipedia or Lonely Planet. Those details mean nothing without the emotion and insight of my travels attached to them. Sharing those personal details are difficult for me, I struggle every time I hit the Publish button. But I always come to the same conclusion, let the readers take away what they need. If there is nothing there, they they can delete. Simple.

When I started, I figured I would be the only one reading this blog. So to have a reader tell me that one of the things they have learned from reading it is that “human emotion is the great equalizer. We all laugh, cry, feel joy, get scared no matter how smart, wise, famous, or wealthy we are.” If putting my feelings out there in this blog helped one person get to the understanding that all of us have a commonality of human emotions, then the discomfort of pushing the Publish button and letting myself be vulnerable is worth it.

Many people write and ask me for advice. For someone whose life has been so out of control for so long, I still am amazed that anyone would want my advice. People ask me how to get the courage to try new things, how to take risks, how to make decisions without worrying, and how to handle when someone laughs at you. Well here is what I know so far that worked for me:

1. Although hiding would feel good and safe, fear is where the fun starts. Changing my life started with facing my fears, one at a time. You have to do something you think you can’t do. Anything, just try something new. And then do it again. You gain confidence as you experience success.

2. Keep a journal. We have to believe our thoughts are important enough to write down. I keep a handwritten journal, I have kept it for the last 7 years. Those journals contain all my fears, desires, thanks, joy, anger, my crazy moments…all of it. Sometimes I have typed my handwritten thoughts out, like in this blog for example, but that isn’t the same as keeping a journal for just myself. I have to believe that my thoughts are important, even if no one else ever reads them.

3. Get laughed at. One of the things I know about confident people is that they realize that getting laughed at doesn’t matter. My amazingly confident son is a great example. He would be at the mall on an escalator and just not get off and fall. He did it on purpose just to get a reaction out of people. The trick is to laugh at yourself with people as they are laughing at you. You have to OWN it, whatever you did that made them laugh at you. It is all about confidence. One of my favorite TED videos: The shared experience of aburdity. My advice: be absurd and own it.

4. Go to a bar, restaurant, park or coffee shop (anywhere in public) by yourself. Yes, in public, alone. After a lifetime of being married and having kids and lots of friends, I didn’t know how to be alone in public. So I just stayed inside all the time. Finally, I realized I needed to get out because I was sad and lonely. When I first started dining alone, I would bring a book, sit at the bar, get a beverage and a nice meal and read. Now I can go anywhere alone, it doesn’t bother me at all. I love to sit and watch people. I remember those first times, it was scary. So here is the tip, if you are sad and lonely at home, go be sad and lonely out in a park where you are in the sunshine and there are people around. Watch people. Just sit, put a book in your hands and pretend to read, and watch people. You will realize they are just as insecure as you are. Or go and actually read or write in your journal, but get outside your house.

5. Tell someone something you don’t want them to know. Start with someone you trust. When I am getting to know someone, I always ask them two questions, one of those questions is “what don’t you want me to know about you?”. If that person can risk and tell me something that they think is a dark secret, the thing that they think would make me want to reject them, then I am interested in knowing them. Because it means I can risk the same back with them and that I don’t have to hide who I am. People who can’t do that with me are the superficial people I keep on the outer circle of my friends. I know them, I see them at parties or gatherings, but they aren’t someone I am going to be invested in keeping up a relationship with. I learned this lesson the hard way, by giving my trust to someone who was superficial. It was the worst mistake I have ever made.

If you want to be inspired to risk vulnerability, watch The Power of Vulnerability. Yeah…I know, I have a slight TED video addiction.

Jump and the net will appear. ~John Burroughs

Posted on July 18, 2013 by rangotti

I don’t actually believe the saying “Jump and the net will appear”. From what I understand about life, I think that sometimes we jump and we just hit the ground and there isn’t any net. Nothing catches us, we just fall flat on our faces. Yeah, I know…ouch.

I come from a family who believes in pragmatism. My brother, the one that is our mom’s favorite, buys a new truck about every 10 years. When he was 50, he bought a new truck and told everyone he was “two trucks from death”. When questioned on that, he would say,”I am 50 years old, if I buy a truck every 10 years I will buy another when I am 60 and one more when I am 70. Chances are, I will be dead when I am 80 so I am two trucks from death. I come from a family that is “that kind” of pragmatic. They approach life with humor, grace, realism, and incredible bluntness. My brother currently has a job where he has use of a work truck to commute and he only puts about 1000 miles a year on his personal truck so it should last another 30 years. He now calls it the “death truck”. When you go to visit, he will say “don’t bother renting a car, you can just drive the death truck”. Yeah…that is my family and they are amazing. I love them dearly.

Family vacation, circa 1966

My family has never been one on ceremony or flowery speaking. They understand life on an elemental level. Maybe it is because of the dramatic change of seasons in New England where they live, or maybe it is the harshness of the winters, I don’t know. I just know that they understand that there are seasons of our lives just like there are seasons in the world around us. To demonstrate that, when we had a family reunion, they would say “look around you, there are three groups of people. There are the young kids swimming in the frigid cold lake, the 30- and 40-somethings playing horseshoes, and then all the old guys over there talking politics”. When they themselves, in their 50s and 60s, started gravitating to the politics group, they acknowledged it and accepted it with that same bluntness and realism, knowing that they had reached another season of their lives. One of the best things about them is you always know right where you stand with them. They have hearts of gold, but don’t ask them a question you don’t really want to know the answer to, because they will give it to you.

When I moved to Seattle I was 44. My brother told me then, “Robin, you’ve got 30 more years. In your seventies, you aren’t going to be learning how to kayak, ride a mountain bike, ski etc. If there is something you want to learn how to do, you need to do it now. Otherwise, you will be like our mother who is in her seventies sitting around lamenting about all the things she wishes she had done in her life but now doesn’t have the capacity to do”. My brother isn’t saying I can’t learn anything or have adventures after 70, he is reminding me to take advantage of every moment of my life so I won’t have regrets. I remind myself of that often.

Ever since I started talking about teaching in Ethiopia, I have had wavering feelings about what I am doing. That is probably pretty normal with such a big undertaking. And of course, with my type A personality, I think I have to do it perfectly. Which means that I beat myself up whenever I have a self-doubt. I also have this crazy idea that I have to deal with it all on my own, without accepting any help from anyone else. Needless to say, the past couple of weeks have been ones of ups and downs. I have the feeling that will happen several more times before I am finally on the plane.

Saying goodbye to friends

The downs have happened when I have been overwhelmed by details of international visas, travel arrangements, all the unknown obstacles of long term international travel and work, dealing with my physical stuff here in the U.S. and dealing with the emotion behind leaving my friends and family that I love. The ups have occurred when I tell people about what I am going to do and they say, “I have a friend who lives/lived in Addis, let me connect you” and I get these emails from people around the world who tell me how much I am going to love it. They give me connections to great coffee shops, restaurants, and insights into things to do. And not just in the city, but things that will call to my adventurous side also. Places like the Simien Mountains, the Danakil depression, Gondar, the Blue Nile Falls, and Lake Tana and when I look at the pictures, I can’t help but be excited by the adventure. Those times I feel like I can totally do this.

Even more important, I have spent the first half of my life figuring out what my values are, what I believe in, and what I am willing to risk taking a stand for. This is an opportunity for me to be able to make a difference and it is an opportunity that not many people get. I understand how fortunate I am. Now it is time to put those values and beliefs into action…to put my time and effort into being the change I want to see in the world.

Some people can affect change in the world by what they say so eloquently. I have always envied those people who can articulate themselves so perfectly. I am not one of them. I, like my brothers, am too blunt and pragmatic. But what I lack in communication skills, I make up for in action, I figure out ways to make things happen. But in order to do that, first I have to jump, net or no net…because I only have 30 more years.

Maybe those bumps aren’t in the way…maybe they are the way.

Posted on July 13, 2013 by rangotti

Ferris wheel on the Seattle waterfront

Watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you, because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in the magic will never find it! ~Ronald Dahl

I have had several “ah-ha” moments this week which all have a common theme. Sometimes I get mired in my own fears, disbelief, and insecurity and when that happens, I lose my clarity on the world around me. Instead of trusting my instincts and believing that everything will work out, all I see are the bumps in the way.

But I am also the luckiest girl in the world. I am blessed with amazing people who give me shifts in perspective, essentially helping me open my eyes to what I am not seeing. And that is where the magic of my life occurs.

This week, I spent some time with a friend while he was in Seattle getting fitted for a new bike. I have known him for awhile online and he always seemed to be a bit self-centered in his online persona. I hadn’t spent any time actually talking to him in person so I was a bit apprehensive when I offered to be his tour guide while he was in Seattle. Come to find out, I was totally wrong in my perceptions about him and if I had let my original insecurity stop me from getting to know him better, I would have missed the opportunity to learn from his unique perspective on life.

He is a photographer and I have always been captivated by his work. He has an awareness of the world around him that comes out in his pictures; an awareness of himself, the world around him, as well as the people in it. In person, I realized he is probably one of the most adept people I have ever met for staying in the moment and being totally present with you. Without even seeming to pay attention he noticed details about the scenes and people that I, even living in Seattle, had no awareness of. He is someone who utilizes all of his senses and his intuition to understand the world around him and that is what makes him a great photographer. I didn’t realize it until I met him but that is what I was drawn to in his photographs. He captures the moment in an elemental way that activates all your senses and immerses you in the scene which brings forth things that you didn’t even know were there. Magic.

In talking with him, he told me stories of traveling around the world surfing and becoming comfortable in other cultures. He told me stories of triumph, failure, joy and agony and he embraced all of those things as what life is about. He told me his philosophies of life and gave me the space to be myself and share mine in return. He is the type of person I have always wanted to be…embracing life, accepting his mistakes with grace, being truly in the moment, caring about the people in his life, and just being wonderfully alive.

Since he left, I have been having a ton of difficulty in getting things ready to leave for Africa and I started going into meltdown mode. I was freaking out over logistical details. I could only see the obstacles, the bumps in the road. I made a post about my fears in my online forum and a friend said “maybe those bumps aren’t in the way…maybe they are the way.” BAM…that is the perspective shift I needed.

It made me think about the person I had just said I wanted to be. Someone who embraces all of life, both the part with bumps as well as those that are smooth sailing. Someone who can be truly in the moment, caring about people, fully alive…and it hit me. It would all work out.

I just need to be confident and trust myself. The path I am on is the path for me, I just need to keep walking.

Collecting stories

Posted on July 2, 2013 by rangotti

I was getting ready to meet some imaginary internet people I only knew virtually from a bike forum and I was a little creeped out by the idea. So in my anxiety, I texted my very wise friend and mentor Matt who always knows the right thing to say. I remember asking “Matt what to hell am I doing traveling half way across the country to meet some random people from the internet?” Matt’s answer, perfect as always, was “Robin, you are collecting stories and that is what life is, a collection of stories. It means you are living life like you should.”

If you have been following, you know the past three weeks I have been traveling, living out a tent (with an occasional hotel), cycling and hiking while trying to mentally and physically prepare for hiking Kilimanjaro in two months. During that time I have seen some incredible landscapes and scenery from around the United States. I have seen wildlife, amazing vistas, sun-kissed plains, breathtaking mountains, waterfalls, rivers, and too many other things to mention. Everywhere I went was a unique place with beauty all its own. But the thing that made each place special was the people I met and the stories they told.

Team Collin

From hitchhikers in Yosemite, a magical wedding in a castle in Colorado, to meeting my absolutely amazing team members of Team Collin and riding in 24 Hours of Booty in Indianapolis, I have collected stories of women and men who are courageous, joyful, compassionate, passionate, impulsive, adventurous, thoughtful, loving, and a dozen more adjectives. And I have to say, they were all spectacular. The only regret I have is not having more individual time with all of them.

When I am one-on-one with people I always try to ask them two questions. I ask them “what do you want me to know about you”? For that question, I usually hear what people are passionate about. They try to give me a glimpse of the things that mean the most to them like their love of music, being a good parent, things they care deeply about. I love hearing about those things. It gives a glimpse into their heart.

Then I ask them “what don’t you want me to know”? Not everyone can answer that question, and that isn’t wrong, it is really hard to risk that type of sharing. For me, I am always captivated by those who can answer it. People who can reach down from their gut and show the raw courage that it takes to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to pull the mask off and show someone else our flaws, our dark sides.

The people that can answer those two questions in a very real authentic way are the people I gravitate toward because I know that they are the people who will be open with me about themselves and who won’t shrink back when I am open about myself. There are many people in the world that don’t want that kind of deep understanding of others, they prefer the superficial “goodness” of life. They want life to be “perfect”, a fairy tale where people only recognize when things are going well, they refuse to acknowledge the darker side of life. That is how I used to be…and then, I was divided by zero and life became undefined. The fairy tale ended because that is what fairy tales do.

Receiving the Spirit of Booty Award

At the same time the opposite can also be true, there are people who only see the dark side and can’t see the joy, laughter, hilarious antics, unbelievable bravery, love, tenacity and spirit of people who have faced tremendous obstacles and found ways to face them with grace, courage, and humility.

brian

My teammates of Team Collin epitomize that spirit. They see the good and the bad, they see life as a whole array of emotion. They are exactly the kind of people I want in my life. And these were the sketchy internet people from my opening paragraph. Who would have thought?

As I face the next chapter of my life, I have realized that I would rather take life and emotion raw than sugar-coated. I want to surround myself with people who can sit with my pain, share in my joy, empathize with my sorrow, and engage with me in laughter. I want the whole experience, good and bad, because that is what living life is all about for me. I want to choose relationships with people who will accept me fully. The only way to find those people is to collect their stories.

len & stacy stephen len & marvin

Try the mustard on the chips…

Posted on June 28, 2013 by rangotti

One day when my friends and I were skiing, we stopped for lunch. One of my friends had a sandwich that came with mustard, just the plain ordinary yellow kind. He also got potato chips with it. After the sandwich was gone, the side of mustard was sitting there and he started dipping the chips in the mustard. He commented on how good it was and I said “ewwww” because I expected it to be yukky. He kept saying “try it”. I finally relented and had to admit, it was pretty good.

Expectations are where we get in trouble. We set ourselves up for suffering by having expectations for what the future holds, for what our lives will be like “when…”, for what people will do, and for what we ourselves should do. When those expectations don’t come to fruition, we suffer. And the reality is, lots of time life doesn’t work out the way we think it is going to.

Expectations color much what we do and cause us to get stuck. We don’t want to try new things because of an expectation that we won’t like them or they will be scary or that we will look silly or we can’t afford it. We get mired in keeping the status quo even if it isn’t working for us because of an unwillingness to let go of our expectations of what we think our lives “should” be. And we suffer.

When I was mired in the emotional turmoil of divorce, loneliness, debt, stress, etc., one of the key reasons for my distress was being unwilling to let go of all my expectations for my life. That was when I met these people on a bike forum. At first I was a little sketched out that I was talking and sharing so much of myself with these people I had never met in person. After reading their posts, “listening” to their ideas, realizing how intelligent and thoughtful they were, I couldn’t help but trust them. So I reached out and asked a few of them if I could meet them in person. And they were even more spectacular in person than they were online.

Each time I would meet someone, I would post what I thought and felt when meeting them. I told them all how much they exceeded my expectations of what I thought they would be like. It became the running joke that the next one I met would be the one to disappoint me. To this day I continue to keep telling them that it isn’t going to happen. What they don’t know is in reality, they already have shattered all my expectations.

Today, I am riding in a 24 hour bike ride for charity and I am riding with a large group of these remarkable people. I am nervous. What they haven’t realized is that what I am terrified of isn’t that they aren’t going to meet my expectations. What I am scared of is that I won’t live up to theirs. And I don’t want to disappoint these people who mean so much to me. I guess that is the legacy of my perfectionism. I don’t want to show them that I am not who they think I am.

What I keep telling myself and trying to remember is whether I meet their expectations or not, there is still some learning for each of us by having the opportunity to interact.

Because sometimes, you just have to try the mustard on the chips.

You need a bigger sample size…

Posted on June 25, 2013 by rangotti

I have a minor in statistics so I understand the value of a large sample size to filter out anomalies in data. With data on finances or school statistics, that is easy to see. But it is harder to realize that that same thing applies to people and experiences.

This building a new identity in my 40’s is tough stuff. Identity formation is the development of our personality. A lot of people believe that it is finite, that it develops during your teens and then stays fixed. I don’t believe that. I believe it is always evolving and is effected by lots of factors like our biology, culture, people who love us, people who have harmed us and which we have caused harm to, our actions (both good and bad), experiences we have had, and choices made all of which form who we are at this moment (source: Palmer, P.J., The heart of a teacher: Identity and integrity in teaching). It is a continual process which happens throughout our lives. Our identity is what defines the characteristics which other people recognize in us and establishes our reputation. It both gives us a sense of uniqueness from others yet also defines groups we identify with.

When I was married, my identity was as a wife, mother, teacher, learner, sister, daughter…the interesting thing is that all those things define a life of being lived for others. There was no point where others ended and I began, I put everyone else before myself always. My whole life was solely defined by doing things for others. One of the things I have come to realize since my divorce is that my ex didn’t really love me, he loved the idea of me. He loved the things I could offer his life, but he didn’t really even know who I am. But that might be my fault, I didn’t really have a “me” at that time. When my marriage ended, with my children grown, one of the hardest questions I have faced is How do I want myself to be defined? Who do I want to be now?

One of the things I have been privileged to do since my divorce is to participate in great activities with lots of amazing and diverse people. Adventure defines a major part of who I am today. I was struck by that on my travels when I met a bunch of adventurous people in their 20’s and 30’s at a wedding I went to. In one of those surreal moments of my life, after telling them about my travels this summer and my upcoming sabbatical in Africa, one of these beautiful, adventurous, dynamic people said “I want to be like you”. I had to laugh because I was thinking I wanted to be as unrestrained and adventurous as she was. Her comment gave me food for thought and a change in perspective of how I view myself.

I love it when that happens, a perspective shift. That is one of the benefits of meeting new people and having new adventures. It gives me a chance to see how other people view me and my behavior. It gives me a glimpse to see their perceptions of the identity I have created. It provides opportunities to see what is working or not. So with both activities and people, sometimes what I need is a bigger sample size… I think that is the benefit of traveling and meeting new people. I see things from different perspectives, I learn new ideas and ways of thinking, I push the boundaries of my beliefs about self and others. I open my mind to new opportunities.

Kelsey and Chris make a beautiful couple

I have been privileged in the past few weeks to meet many really exceptional people. From the two guys I picked up hitchhiking in Yosemite after they had been backpacking for a week, reconnecting with people from my former life, meeting the wonderful wedding guests of my friends Chris and Kelsey, and interacting with the amazing people I am getting ready to meet at 24 Hours of Booty in Indianapolis this week, I have been blessed with opportunities for growth and enrichment. All of them have impacted my life and helped me understand even more emphatically that I am on the right path for my life.

If you are finding yourself stuck and know you want to make changes in your life, there is only one way to do that, you have to increase your sample size. You have to do things differently, new experiences, new people. It really is the path to self-exploration and growth.

Thanks to all for the gift of the time you have spent with me in the last few weeks. Your time is really the most valuable thing you have to give. And thanks for helping me increase my sample size.

Wabi-Sabi

Posted on June 6, 2013 by rangotti

Wabi-sabi is a Japanese term that represents acceptance of transience and imperfection. Beauty is imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete. The wabi-sabi aesthetic is asymmetric, austere, simplistic, modest, rough and non-regular. It promotes intimacy and appreciation of the integrity of natural objects and processes. (Source wikipedia).

When my dad had his first stroke, as part of his rehab he learned how to make oval shaker boxes that nested within each other. He gave sets to all of his daughters. The weekend that I was visiting him, he didn’t have any perfect ones left, he only had the imperfect set that he made when he was learning. He wanted to make me a “perfect” set, but to me, those were perfect. In their imperfection I saw his tenacity to fight through the health problems, to learn a new skill, to practice getting it right. I saw a craftsman who loved to build things with his hands. I saw the father I loved in that imperfection. Wabi-sabi. I would post a picture but they are packed in the boxes in my office.

My friends Tony and Ken demonstrate the wabi-sabi aesthetic in all the things they surround themselves with. Their home is so tastefully decorated and comfortable, you can’t help but feel refreshed and loved when you walk through the door. It has been a haven for me for the last 6 years. A great example of their sense of taste is in their dishes, none of which match, all which are imperfect yet, to me, they are absolutely stunning.

In many ways their love for me has also shown that aesthetic and that is true for all of my friends. My friends saw this broken, damaged woman and recognized the internal beauty in me, my spirit, and my story. Their love for me has helped that spirit come out. They didn’t love me because I am stunningly gorgeous, witty, sophisticated, charming, or cultured because I am none of those things. I am too serious, I swear like a sailor, I could seriously use a shot of botox for my squint lines, I am blunt and outspoken, and I wouldn’t know culture if it slapped me upside my head. But with all the flaws, they see the beauty of my compassion, my love for the physical world around me and the people in it, my vulnerability, my shame, my fears, and they still think I am beautiful. It is their love and belief in me safely tucked in my soul that gives me the courage to embark on this journey.

One of my cycling flaws is that I suck at hills. When I was riding with Steve Cooper (an amazing cyclist), he told me to find a phrase that could match my breathing and my cadence, a mantra that I could chant while climbing. My friend Jonathan told me about the wabi-sabi. So now, even though it isn’t perfect, my climbing like the rest of cycling and my whole life, is wabi-sabi. Filled with the joy of the impermanent, the imperfect, the incomplete…undefined. When you pass me on a climb, you will hear me sucking air into my lungs and feel the energy of my legs pushing the pedals to turn the crank arms on the bike to the rhythm of wabi-sabi. And that is true of all parts of my life. The good part of life is the imperfections, those things that make us unique.

Today, take the time to see the beauty in someone you love. Not the idea of beauty our western society imposes on us, but take a look for the imperfections, because they are truly what makes people beautiful.

My Rock

Posted on May 28, 2013 by rangotti

The time has come. All my “stuff” has been culled. I now have some gear stored at a friend’s house, a few boxes with pictures and mementos in my office, one bag of clothes, my bike, and my rock.

The rock in the picture is red granite. It is very heavy and it isn’t going with me, I am going to put it in my office. I found the rock on a beach in Canada one summer when I was a little girl. We were on a family vacation and my dad convinced my sister and I that the rock was really a petrified dinosaur egg. He brought the rock home and we used it as a doorstop at our summer home on a lake in Maine when I was growing up. I believed that story and told it to my friends when they came over. I remember feeling so gullible when I found out it was a rock, but I knew how much of a tease and practical joker my dad was so I wasn’t really upset about it, I should have known better. I know I probably should give up the rock, but I just can’t.

The rock and all my other possessions that I am keeping are just symbols. They aren’t what really is important in life, they are just reminders of what is important. My real rocks are my family and friends, the people I love and who love me. My dad is gone now, but the rock is a symbol of the love he had for me. He loved me enough to tell me that story and carry this heavy rock all the way up the beach, took it back to Maine, and then kept it all those years while I was growing up.

It has been really hard saying goodbye to my friends. I am going to miss them more than they will ever know. Even harder is saying goodbye to my beautiful daughter whose amazing spirit and love for the world around her has kept me going for the last 5 years. She and I have a special bond which was born in the fires of adversity. We have laughed more the last week than we have in a long time, knowing the time is coming to say goodbye. She is a really special person.

The big revelation for me was understanding that she, and my friends, are going to miss me as much as I am going to miss them. It made me feel loved. I know they are cheering me on, but I also know that it leaves a hole for them and it makes me sad. The world is a small place and although I might not be physically present, I will be connected through Facebook, this blog, and hopefully some phone calls and visits. I need my rocks in my life, even if I am far away. And they need me.

Life Divided by Zero

The Journey of Becoming Undefined

Tag Archives: friendships