Category Archives: Relationships

51 Steps

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IMAG0135I have been watching several of my friends struggle with the ending of long term relationships (LTR) and who are at the beginning of the recovery period when they are single, alone, and miserable.  I watch them as they are climbing out of their skin in the silence of their apartments after years of having partners and/or children around.  My heart goes out to them and I understand how they feel.  It wasn’t that long ago that I was exactly where they are. I didn’t think it would ever end short of jumping into another relationship. However, I find that in watching them, I realize I am truly at a different place and can see how far I have actually come. I am at a place that doesn’t require a relationship, a place where I can stand on my own, and I am happy alone or with other people.

Almost everyone I have known that has ended a LTR has gone through the same steps or stages.  Those steps or stages are probably categorized in some self-help book somewhere or in the DSM-V. Since I have already passed through the “self-help book” stage personally, I won’t go into categorizing each one of them, but it seems like there are a lot.  So I am just going to throw a number out there and say… 51.

Fifty-one is significant because it is how many steps I climb each day to get to my house (actually it is technically Matt’s house, but for the moment it is mine too). It is a metaphor for moving from a relatively unsafe place to a place of safety.  Each day, I go from the lack of safety of the street to the relatively safe place of a home in 51 steps.  The same is true after ending a relationship that you thought would last a lifetime.  At first, you are in the relatively unsafe, unknown place of being alone. And from there, you start climbing through each one of the steps or stages until finally, you are safe at home. You have found a place of belonging. Maybe that is with another person or maybe, like me, you have accepted and embrace being alone.

Emotionally, I am pretty sure I am somewhere between step 40-45. I have my personal life pretty well straightened out, I am still trying to piece together the last of the professional one. That is right, when your personal life falls apart through the ending of a relationship, it affects your professional life too. For me, that has manifested itself in an inability to write academically.  As a college professor whose career is dependent on academic publications, this is problematic.  So I am going through the step right now where I am, just a little a time, learning how to write academically again.  I just passed through the step where I had to relearn how to read. I have been amazed at how many of my friends who have let go of relationships have lost their ability to read for pleasure.  I am honestly just getting that back.  The next step is reading academic literature.  And then finally, getting back to some semblance of a publication schedule.

So for my friends who are on step 4-10, try to realize that soon, you will feel much better.  The climb is tough but worth it.  There are some things you can do to make it easier.  Everyone has to find his/her own coping strategies but here are my favorites:  learn to play, keep a journal, reward yourself for little things, dance even if it is alone in your living room, learn something new, push yourself physically, dress in colors (not black), if you live in an urban area take a bus ride, volunteer, join meetup.com and meet some cool people, find your spirituality (yoga, meditation, prayer, being out in nature), change your environment (I did this by rearranging my furniture).  There are a lot of others.  The important thing is don’t stay stuck too long. It is just like when your car is stuck, the longer you are in a rut and the deeper you bury yourself by spinning your wheels doing the same thing over and over, the harder it is to get out.

Start climbing.  51 steps to go…

42 in base 12

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I started this blog to document sabbatical and the creation of a new identity as a I move into the final chapter of my life.  I am going through the process of detangling myself from the identity which has served my the first 50 years of my life.  It is an identity wrapped up in the service of others: wife, mother of dependent children, and teacher.  It is an identity couched in the victimization of trauma, trauma that is healed and over and a part of the past.  It is time to let that all go. Now it is time to find my place in the world as a strong, confident, independent woman.  Yet as I read through many of the posts of this blog, I realized I spend a lot of time writing about the people I love and not as much time writing about myself.

pottyIn case you didn’t catch the math from the title of this post, today is my 50th birthday. I have been sad in anticipation of this day, but as usual, the anticipation is the hard part.  Now that the day is here, I find I can’t help but be happy.  The 50’s are going to be the best decade yet.

Milestone birthdays always make you reflect on the previous decade.  My 40’s have been tumultuous to say the least. Up until 43, my life was pretty normal and relatively boring.  After 43, it has been one crisis after another. Yet here I sit on the cusp of 50, feeling like I have been through the fires of hell and realizing that the pain I have gone through has produced a well of strength and independence that I will draw on for the next decade.  I am a better woman because of everything that has happened to me. I am ready to be the woman I have become.  I am ready to embrace a life of abundance.  I have abundant resources, energy, health, and love of the most amazing people on the planet.  There is nothing holding me back other than myself. It is time for me to get out of my own way.

Who am I?  I am an academic, a college professor, a teacher of teachers. I am intelligent and articulate. I am an adventurer, a wanderer, a philosopher. I am compassionate, loving, and warm.  I am blunt, outspoken, and opinionated.  I am passionate, loyal, and I love deeply. I have an inner beauty that is apparent to anyone who takes the time to know me.  I use all my senses and emotions and I look at the world with a sense wonder and magic.  I am a woman who is trying to respect her boundaries, to honor herself and her needs while at the same time caring for the needs of others.  I love the mountains and nature and I believe in taking care of the planet I ride on.  I love to ski, climb, ride, jump off stuff, and to raise my face up to the sky giving thanks for the world around me every day.  I am a woman with a sense of life. That is who I am.

robinSo my birthday plans are to be on my bike by 8 am.  I want to ride 50 miles, but I will be thankful for as many as I get in.  I have been off the bike for quite awhile and I won’t beat myself up if I don’t make 50, I am happy just to be riding along. It is going to rain and I forgot my fender at Matt’s so I will have a brown mud streak up my back, but that is what they make washing machines for.  After my ride, a nice hot shower, lunch, and then doing some work this afternoon followed by a quiet dinner with Tony, Ken, and Marisa.  It is going to be a lovely day.

Cheers to the next decade.  ~Robin

The Gift

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On Monday, I will be 50 years old. It is one of those milestone birthdays that, until yesterday, was bothering me a bit. Yesterday, I got it all sorted out in my mind. Everyone keeps asking me lots of questions like where am I staying, what am I going to do now, what I want for a present for my birthday, and what I want to do on my birthday. I hope this post will answer those questions.

Sometimes, life is pretty incredible. When I got home from Whistler, I sent a message to my friend Matt‘s girlfriend Amanda about needing my car. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew that the car is all I have left. I was going to get in it and just start driving. That isn’t what I wanted to do, I just didn’t know anything else to do. Since Matt was in South America indefinitely, I didn’t expect to see him. Then Amanda said the most amazing thing. She said, “I am picking Matt up a the airport at 10 pm tonight, I know he has been thinking about you and wants to see you”. I lost it and just started crying. I hadn’t realized until that moment that what I needed more than anything else in the world was the support of my friend. It just happened that I was back at the same time that he came home for a week before he leaves again for Asia.

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Sunrise from the deck

Here is the amazing part. He picked me up when I got off my bus and we went and talked. He should have been spending time with his family, but instead he is letting me cry all over him. He had already checked with his roommates and they offered me a place to stay in this gorgeous house, with a fabulous gourmet kitchen and a great view of Seattle. They offered me comfort, compassion, and safety. They are certainly some of the most chill people I have met in Seattle. They made me feel immediately welcomed and at home. How did I get so fortunate? I have to be the most blessed person on the planet. Seriously.  I spent Wednesday reconnecting with my friends Maurea, Melinda, Deloa and Larry. They took time out of their schedules to make me feel valued and loved.

Yesterday, Matt and I went hiking up Tiger Mountain. He was going to paraglide down, I just hiked down. After a lovely hike up with time to talk to my friend, on the way down I got some solo time to think about everything. I decided to take sabbatical in very small steps. I want to finish a paper and a grant I am working on so I need two weeks in one place to work. So I am staying in Seattle until October 1 (thanks Jeff and Elle for letting me crash at your house). Then I just need a short adventure. So I am going back to the original plan and taking off for a month in Spain, cycling Mallorca getting back in time for Thanksgiving with my children. I am not planning on any other activities, just getting up every day and cycling and then enjoying the Spanish culture in the evenings. I need some time on my bike. After that, I don’t know yet and I am not going to plan anything.

On the way home from the mountain, Matt (who is still just 25 years old) was being his usual silly self. I was laughing, the sun was shining, we were just being goofy, I felt like I was kid. At that moment it hit me what a true healing gift his friendship has been to me. I have had a lot of trauma in my life. From the time I was 10 years old, I didn’t have a normal childhood. I grew up very fast and took on lots of responsibility. There was never any of that carefree playtime. Steadfastly, over the last 6 years of our friendship, through the trauma of divorce, the exploitation of my former therapist, the betrayal of a false friend, through a mountain of debt, tenure & promotion, deaths, births, marriages…all of it, Matt has loved me unconditionally. I am 25 years his senior, a female, not that athletic, and still he has dragged me on more adventures, taken the time to get to know and understand me on a level that no one else ever did. He doesn’t judge or belittle, but just truly accepts me as I am and encourages me to be my best. He teaches me how to be spontaneous, to take risks, and to just play knowing that I have the security of his love and caring as a safety net. For the first time in my whole life since I was 10 years old, yesterday, I felt healed and whole. So for my birthday, I have already received my gift.

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Sunset overlooking the Olympic Mountains and Queen Anne

I don’t need physical gifts, I don’t even have a house. The gift I get from all the people in my life is the gift of their love and acceptance. What more do I need? I have so many amazing friends that I am rich beyond measure and that can never be measured in physical things. Life is short and sweet. I am entering the sunset of my life, the last 30 years. I believe our lives and the legacy we leave behind will be known by the love we have shared during our time on this planet.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~Maya Angelou

P.S. This seems like a good post for a Stevie Nicks song.  

A country with a soul

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Today was one of those perfect Northern African days.  It has been the rainy season here so it has rained every day. Not just Seattle drizzle rain, but a true soaking deluge kind of rain.  Every…single…day.  It makes the poorly built and incomplete roads into quagmires of mud, potholes, and huge puddles.  The rainy season is coming to an end and the weather should begin to be perfect like it was today, mid 70 F and sunny with no humidity.IMG_1529

IMG_1527I was going to post earlier, but each time got my post finished, the power went out so I gave up and went for a walk in the village near my apartment with my friend Jen.  What I love most about this place are the Ethiopian people.  They show amazing resiliency, courage, and an absolute undefeatable spirit.  This spirit is what helped them rout every attempt by Europeans to colonize them.  They are a proud people and they love their country.

IMG_1583Every morning, I go running.  Ethiopian runners are a source of national pride.   The route I run takes me on a road where many people run each morning.  Today I actually saw a group exercising in the median of the road.  While I am running, the Ethiopians will cheer me on. They call out “good job”, like I am doing something great, when all I am doing is jogging for exercise.  There is one part of my run that takes me parallel to a government housing project.  Each day a little boy, maybe 10 years old, comes out and jogs with me down the road, grinning from ear to ear. He is adorable.  He says good morning to me and then says “sport”.  When he leaves me he said Ciao and I know I will see him tomorrow.  You can tell he is proud of Ethiopia’s tradition of running.

IMG_1555Even on our walk to the village, the people smile and say hello or salam.  The kids gather and walk with us, wanting us to take their picture.  Women invite us for coffee. What I have realized from spending time with Ethiopians of all ages is that it is their culture to care about human beings. They take their time, they listen to you. They FEEL, they truly feel compassion with their hearts, and it isn’t just superficial bull.  Ethiopia is a country with a soul.

PS.  Between writing and posting, Ethiopia just won a soccer match against Central African Republic and for the first time, qualified for the World Cup.  It is partying and chaos on the street.  What a wonderful celebration of national pride.

These aren’t filtered yet, I haven’t had time to go through them, but they are the ones I took today http://sdrv.ms/19u2kms

A Birth, A Death, and a Wedding

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Yesterday was a day of a lot of shifting emotions, not for me, but for my son.  One of his best friends became a new father, another best friend died unexpectedly, and his wife’s best friend got married…all of which happened in the same day.  I have empathy for him and my daughter-in-law. They are dealing with the up and down emotions of balancing two joyous events with a tragic one and trying to be happy for their friends while mourning the death of the other.  Life doesn’t happen when it is convenient. Yesterday for my son, daughter-in-law and all their friends, life was divided by zero.

I sit here and listen to my son and his wife process their grief by telling stories of their friend and sharing pictures with their social group.  I am reminded that our lives consist of our stories.  They don’t consist of how much money we have, what things we own, or even what our jobs are.  Our lives are about our experiences.  At the end, the people who we have touched will tell our stories and share our photos. It is our legacy and reminds me to always treat people well. Life is about caring about other human beings. The most important gift we can give another person is the gift of our time.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is all about perspective…

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robin

One morning when I was newly single and still very emotionally fragile, I was walking in Seattle’s Capitol Hill neighborhood in search of breakfast early on a sunny Sunday morning.  It was one of those rare mornings after a bad breakup that I was optimistic about being able to move on and carve a new life out for myself. A smile on my face, feeling confident, healthy and beautiful, curly red hair all askew, strolling down the street and all of a sudden, a man gave me the best spontaneous complement I have ever had.  He said  “top of the morning to you.  Wow, the redder the hair, the hotter the woman.”  It was unfortunate that he happened to be jumping out of a dumpster at the time and wearing a woman’s skirt and a pair of black pantyhose with a run in them, but hey, at that point in my life I was going to be thankful for a complement wherever I could get it. It is really just a matter of perspective.

I was reminded again this week that all my “realities” of life are a matter of perspective.  The lens I am looking through, colored by my experiences, beliefs and emotion, distorts reality as I see it.  Every single human being on the planet has a distorted view of their reality. It is only through communication that we can understand how others are seeing the same situation and realize the fallacies in our own perception of events. That is why communication is imperative in misunderstandings.  If we refuse to communicate, we can never understand any but our own distorted reality of things.

b&c

Pure joy

My reality was distorted enough that I was having a pity party earlier this week.  I am staying with my son and his wife, enjoying their company and the pure joy that radiates from my two beautiful granddaughters.  Given that scenario, the true reality is, there is absolutely no reason I should have been feeling sorry for myself, but I was.  My reality was colored by the fact that my son lives in my former home and every time I visit it brings back memories of my marriage.  Added to the emotion of that was an unexpected visit from my ex, who is happily ensconced in a new relationship and I was just flooded with the “all that could have been, all that isn’t now” perspective instead of seeing the reality that is before me.  After a virtual slap from my friend Jonathan, I decided enough was enough of that.  I needed a big perspective shift to remind myself that my life is my own.  I am not in competition with my ex.  I am happy that he is doing well. That was the end of that whole line of thought.  That was perspective shift #1.

My reality has also been distorted by not having a place to call my own or any personal space.  It makes me cranky.  Although I am an extroverted person, I need time to myself to recharge. This summer, even though I have had great friends to rely on that have taken me into their homes, having no space that is my own has played havoc with my whole emotional system. By emotional system, I am referring to more than just feelings.  I am speaking of the hard-wired physiological, psychological and social mechanisms that human beings have evolved as a matter of survival within a family unit. Our emotional system includes the internal and external interactions and reactions associated with our basic human needs for food, water, sleep, shelter, territory, protection from harm, mating, and nurturing of young.

Living on the road and off the charity of others after a lifetime of having a home of my own, when I was always the person who others turned to for help, has definitely been a challenge for me. There have been many times that I didn’t think I was going to make it, that I was ready to go back to Seattle and start looking for an apartment. But with each challenge I have faced and overcome, I have grown emotionally stronger.  I am learning to rely on people and to listen to my body’s needs and to convey those needs to others.

One of the hardest things I have ever done is to tell my children that I was going to get a hotel room this week.  It has nothing to do with them and certainly nothing to do with my beautiful granddaughters. I would spend every possible minute with them.  But I have realized that I have to take care of myself too or I won’t be any good to anyone.  What I need right now, on this last week before I head to Africa, is some time to myself where I can go through my things once again and do a last packing. I need to have a place to spread out all my stuff and pack up the few things that I have with me that are staying in the States while organizing and purchasing enough supplies for my classroom and my personal life (shampoo, mosquito net, etc) that will last me until I get back to the States during the holidays.  Unfortunately, I can’t do that with my beautiful children and grandchildren around because I love them so much I just want to focus on them when I am with them.  I need a few days to focus on myself to get all those last minute things done.

So I have been stressing all week until I came clean and admitted to my children what I need.  As I would expect from them, they are wonderful and they understand.  Why did I ever think they wouldn’t? I really have the most amazing children ever. Telling them gave me the perspective shift that I don’t always have to fix everything for them, that I can rely on them to help me also. It made me realize that I can tell them about being scared and unsure of myself as I embark on this journey.  I can tell them how much I am going to miss them and how worried I am to be leaving them.

The truth is I wonder if I have made the right choice and whether I have what it takes to do the job I am being asked to do. Do I have what it takes to live in a place that is so different from everything I have ever known?  Am I a good enough teacher to teach math in a place where many of my students don’t speak English while I speak no Amharic? Will I have the courage to explore this new country I am going to or will I stay in the safety of the school area I will teach in?

My perspective right now is being colored by my fears and insecurities about where my life is heading in the next year.  I need my family and friends to help me with that perspective shift, this week more than any other. The closer the time comes for leaving the more excited I get and at the same time, the more insecure I get.  I think that is probably a very normal and human reaction.  I just have to breathe, stay present, and be aware and remember to keep communicating to keep a good grasp on true reality not just the reality colored by my experiences and emotions. It really is a matter of perspective.

First Class

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I fly often enough to be in premier class. That means that I get upgraded from coach to first class whenever there is an open seat but I only pay coach fares.  Out of the last 20 legs of trips I have taken, I have been upgraded 15 times. I like boarding early, comfy seats, and larger overhead bins, but the rest of the first class experience feels odd to me.   One thing that always surprises me is how quickly the crew is there to meet your needs. That level of service is one huge difference between first class and coach.  One of my friends calls first class “princess class”.  I guess I am not used to a level of service that makes me feel like a princess.

I also have first class friends. Through their words, time, and care, they make me believe I have value to them.  They consistently demonstrate that they believe I am worthy of love and belonging even with all my imperfections.  They go on vacation with me, support me emotionally when I have difficult issues to deal with, come to my rescue when I have done something foolish, and believe that I can accomplish great things.  But the real key is that they are simply there for me.  I am convinced that is what it takes to be a first class friend, just being there for people.

I was thinking that everyone should feel treated like they are first class by someone.  Everyone should have someone who is there for them, who meets their needs on some level.  But as I allowed myself to think through it, I realized that what I need (and maybe everyone does) is rather than focus on how others treat me, I have to treat myself like I am first class and be that person who is there for  me. I should meet my own needs first before I expend all my energy on others.

When I was newly single and trying to redefine my life, I instituted “Friday night date night for one”. I would come home from work, get something special to make for dinner (including dessert) and a nice bottle of wine.  I would put some music on, light candles, have a lovely meal and then dance around the living room by myself.  I would treat myself like first class all the way on Friday nights.  But it was always something “extra”.

Unfortunately, the first class treatment never transferred beyond Friday night.   I am not sure why.  I guess I got busy with life, trying to be a first class mother, grandmother, colleague, friend, and there just wasn’t any time to treat myself the same way. Maybe I didn’t think I deserved the same treatment I gave everyone else.  Whatever the reason, I think that is something I need to change.  The next time I am cutting corners on self-care and not striving to meet my own needs before the needs of others, I need to remind myself to upgrade to first class.   I need to be first to recognize my value and to demonstrate that I am worthy of love and belonging.  I am worthy of being treated as first class.

Today as I sit in my third airport on the way home to visit my kids and granddaughters, when I have only had 2 hours sleep, I realize I am exhausted and without patience.  It might be time to practice some of that first class treatment right now.

Loons, Ladders, and Funny Fish

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tony and robinMy friend Tony is ending his sabbatical year as I am starting mine. We decided to have one last hurrah together and go on vacation.  Since I am leaving for Africa in two weeks and wanted to visit my extended family, Tony came to visit them with me.  It has been quite an adventure hiking and kayaking with no internet or cell service at a lakeside cabin deep in the woods of Maine.

One of the things I love the most when I am visiting Maine is the sound of loons.  Their haunting call has affected me ever since I was little girl.  There is something so poignant and ethereal about the sound that it calls to the most unreachable places in my soul. It always makes me stop and reflect, to slow down and consider what is important in life.  There is a loon that is living near my brother’s cabin that believes the local float plane is another loon and a threat to his well-being.  So every day, when this particular float plane goes out, the loon will charge toward it in an attempt to get it to go away.  So far, the loon hasn’t been successful. When loons feel threatened, either for themselves or their family, they definitely make a ruckus and will do everything they can to fight for survival, including charging at float planes.  The phrase “crazy as a loon” comes from their erratic behavior as they ward off potential threats to their well-being.  In that, maybe they aren’t so crazy after all.   Protecting ourselves and the ones we love is the nature of all beings and many of our choices for survival stem from those very basic instincts.

Our vacation hasn’t just been filled with sleepy little Maine towns, hiking, kayaking, and loon calls. It has also been fraught with danger in the most unexpected places, like inside the cabin.  I have been sleeping in the loft.  Years ago, the permanent ladder that was constructed for the loft was taken down when the loft was closed in with a ceiling.  My brother and sister-in-law took out the ceiling and reverted the space back to a loft.  The original loft ladder is no longer there, so my brother uses a regular step-ladder.   Unfortunately, that ladder is about a foot and a half short of the actual loft floor.  Going up isn’t so bad, but the descent can be treacherous as I found out yesterday morning when I came down with one hand full of a computer and an iPad and only had one hand on the ladder.  Sure enough, one rung from the top, the ladder tips to the left as my body goes to the right and I land on the floor after bruising several extremities.  Tony, in moment of deep concern for my well-being, says “well at least you landed on your butt so didn’t hurt anything serious”.    This morning, my brother hung a sign on the ladder saying “you must be this tall to operate”…haha, very funny guys… I swear between Tony and my brother Rod picking on me, I will be “crazy as a loon” by next week.   I can’t blame anyone but myself for the ladder however.  I know better than to come down ladder holding an armful of stuff in my hands.

The other big event that happened yesterday was visiting my mother who lives in an assisted living facility that actually was repurposed from the old high school in the town where I grew up.  Just walking into that building brought back all the memories of that time in my life and of all the really bad things I did when I was in high school. It felt almost like being assaulted with memories of things I wished I didn’t ever have to remember.

As I was lying in bed last night thinking about all that, my sister-in-law showed me this funny fish that lights up with dots on the inside. It is great night light, very unique and original, just like my sister-in-law herself.  I loved it.  My brother and sister-in-law are two people who are happy and content with the choices they have made for their lives. They love where they live and are very aware of the world around them and the people in it.  I have met so many people in life that are unhappy with their choices.   People who constantly complain about where they live, what they do, who they are with…nothing is ever right for them.  At times, I have been like that myself.  I tend to be unhappy when I think that things have “happened” to me without my having any choice, when I want to blame my misfortune on others without taking personal responsibility for my own actions.   I am happy when I believe I have  power in my choices and own up to my responsibility for the decisions I make, good and bad.   All of those decisions got me to where I am at this moment.  If I don’t like where I am, if I am not happy with my relationships, job, city I live…it is in my power to change it.

I will have the same thing…

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I was reminded yesterday about being careful not to take things and people for granted. I am reasonably good at being thankful for most of the things in my life. However, sometimes I screw up and take for granted the one person who has been steadfastly there for me.  I think it is because I trust, without question, that he will be in life, enriching it in so many ways.

Academic job interviews span two days.  You give a research presentation, a teaching presentation, and hour long interviews with dozens of people. It is rigorous.  However, as long as I am talking about my work, I am comfortable in those settings.  I knew in the interview process when I applied for my job in Seattle that the official dinner would be my greatest challenge.  I was a hick girl from rural North Carolina in Seattle having dinner with all these classy, sophisticated people.  I had no clue what to order or what kinds conversation to make with these people. I tend to be a little blunt and outspoken and just say whatever pops into my head.  My goal was to shut my mouth and try to keep them talking as much as possible and to hopefully not order anything stupid off the menu. That was my plan.

tony

Tony takes amazing photos. He is really creative

So I get to the dinner and there is Tony.  Handsome, sophisticated, and the most articulate person I have ever met.  I was in trouble.  The waitress came over to take our order. Tony ordered an incredible glass of wine and the salmon which was plank seared. Now, just to give you some context, where I came from wine comes in two flavors, white and red, and I had no idea what “plank seared” meant.  So of course, after he ordered and the waitress turned to me, I said “that sounds great, I will have the same thing”. I had no idea if I would even like it or not. Tony then drew me into a conversation about pig pickin’s and hush puppies and had the whole table laughing hysterically.  I just knew that I had blown the whole interview right there. They had to have thought I needed to be in the kitchen frying something rather than in an academic position.  I was surprised when they offered me my job.

About a week after starting my job, I was walking down the hallway carrying geoboards.  Tony was walking past me and said “geoboards, fun!”.  Since Tony is the literacy professor, I was taken aback. I mean, seriously, how many people outside of math even know what geoboards are? So I asked him how he knew about geoboards and he told me that he went to a school taught by hippies so he was “raised on geoboards and autoharps”.  How could anyone not be friends with a guy who can come back with a line like that? The timing of his humor is always perfect.

tony & robin

Robin & Tony.  What a great friend to hold his hand over my neck to hide the multiple chins.

The friendship was born at that moment.  Tony and I have had so many great adventures.  Eating and drinking our way through Seattle Met magazine’s best happy hour edition, spending spring break pretending we were in Baja by going over to Alki Beach for Mexican food (it was snowing and we were in parkas on the beach), finding all the places with the best chicken in Seattle (Cafe Presse, Crow, Ken & Tony’s kitchen), the most amazing meal ever at Canlis, our famous end-of-quarter grade submission brunches complete with mimosas/martinis/madeira flights at 10 am.  There have been picnics on sunny days, the Bloedel Reserve on Pi Day, an unforgettable birthday trip to Portland, a life-changing trip to NYC, a New Year’s Eve with 48 gorgeous men, and a disastrous game of croquet on the parade grounds of Fort Warden where the movie an Officer and an Gentleman was filmed, a game which was saved when Tony’s dad came to the rescue with a very civilized pitcher of gin and tonics.

tony &ken & rbin

Evening at Boom Noodle with Kristen, Ellen, Jessica, Tony & Ken

And then there are the infamous Happy Friday emails…I could go on and on.  Each adventure has been memorable. My adventures with Tony definitely make up the brunt of all the great times I have had in Seattle.  He is the best friend I could have ever asked for. We supported each other through tenure, have cried over the end of relationships, worked on grants, written papers together, and been there for each other in all the areas of our lives. He and his partner Ken have taught me about wine, great food, amazing restaurants, how to cut an avocado, art, music, vacations and relaxation.  They opened up the world for me.  With friendship, unconditional acceptance, respect, honor, loyalty, and love, they have helped me become the woman I am.  I love them with all my heart.  I haven’t let myself think about what it is going to be like next year without them nearby. I don’t want to think about it.

I hope everyone reading this has someone in their life that is so much a part of them that the relationship seems almost effortless.  Those are the sweetest kinds of relationships, but also the most easy to take for granted.  We can get consumed with other relationships that take a lot of effort and forget the ones that are simple.  If you have someone in your life like that, just take a moment to tell them how much they really mean to you.  Those are the relationships that should get the most care, not the least.

Tony Smith, my friend, my brother, my partner in crime…I love you and am the woman I am because I have known you.  You have changed my life.  I am so glad I ordered the white wine and plank-seared salmon on that fateful February night in 2007 and had that crazy discussion about pig-pickin’s and hush puppies.

What I have realized in typing this blog post is that being willing to say “I will have the same thing…” or letting someone else order the food for me has been a way that I have pushed myself to try something new and to show people that I trust their choices.  Being open to learning new things from others has definitely helped me form the great friendships I have with so many people. I think it makes other people feel valued.  It is something I am going to implement in Africa. When I find myself at dinner with an interesting person, I am just going to say “I will have the same thing…”  and see where the adventure takes me.

Defibrillator for the Soul

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Matt getting ready to fly

Matt getting ready to fly

Sometimes, I can be a total hypocrite. It is do as I say, not as I do. As I have been getting ready to leave the country, between giving away all my possessions, applying for international visas, getting immunizations, etc.  I have been overwhelmed.  Instead of doing what I know to do, I have been wallowing in my own self-absorption. Thankfully, I have great friends.

Yesterday, my friend Matt (the one who always gets me into trouble) messages me and asks if I want to go hiking up one of our local mountains in the PNW.  Knowing I need to get out of the house, I said sure.  The hike is favorite of people in the area and also a local paragliding launch.  Matt is in love with paragliding.  So he tells me, “we can hike up together, you can walk down and I will fly down”.  Okay, that sounds fun.  I thought it would be a chance for me to be supportive of something he loves. I would go take some pictures and just spend some time with him.  I am going to miss him when I am gone.

Matt stepping off the edge

Matt stepping off the edge

However, since I have been running around like a crazy woman for the last 4 weeks, eating a bunch of crap, not exercising and drinking too much, I feel terrible.  We start to hike and I am just sucking wind.  The trail goes up about 1600 feet in a mile and a half so it isn’t long, just steep.  I keep saying “Matt, go ahead of me, I’ll catch up”.  Of course, the kid won’t listen to anything I say.  We chat on the hike and instead of relaxing and enjoying the company of my friend, all I can think of is my anxiety of letting him down by being so out of sorts and making him late for his flight.

Matt flying

Matt flying

We finally get up to the top where the pilots are launching and I was immediately in awe.  They were flying!  I couldn’t wait for Matt to launch. Even though I am terrified of heights, within 10 minutes of hitting the summit I said to him “I want to do that someday”.  He replies “why not today?”.  HMM…why not indeed.  So I did it. No plan, no arguing, totally spontaneous.  I even surprised Matt, who without telling me, had planned it out ahead of time with his friend Mark from Seattle Paragliding.  Matt was expecting to have to argue with me to get me to do it.

Snapshot - 8

Flying

It was just what I needed. If I am stuck in a rut, doubting everything in my life, anxiety building, procrastinating, not taking care of myself, etc. there is a quick easy solution: a jolt of courage, kind of like a defibrillator for the soul. I have to get out of my comfort zone and do something that scares me.  Facing a fear, feeling success, knowing that I can make my life anything I want it to be, owning my issues, and being the person I want to be is all possible, I just have to do it.  It really is that simple.

The coolest thing I have ever done

The coolest thing I have ever done

Got up this morning, went for a run, had a healthy breakfast.  Now I am going to do some administrative stuff that needs to get done, mail some gear to my son’s house for storage, mow the grass at the house I am staying at and then tonight…I have a date.  Yeah, a real one.

Just like a real defibrillator gives a heart another chance to beat and the person a chance to live, facing a fear and doing it anyway gives a soul another chance to fly and the person a chance to have a whole life.