Tag Archives: overcoming

A new day

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Port de Sollar, Majorca

I left Mallorca and flew to Madrid.  All of a sudden, instead of being surrounded by British, Irish, Scottish, and German tourists, I have been plunged into the heart of Spain where very little English is spoken.  In fact, I think I spent the entire day yesterday without hearing English spoken at all.  I read Spanish pretty well, as long as I don’t try to open my mouth.  The only place I got into trouble was in the supermarket when the clerk was trying to get me to give him a penny to even up my total. He was talking so fast that by the time I figured out what he wanted, he was just giving me my change and was obviously frustrated with me.

IMG_2197Instead of staying in a hotel, I used airbnb.com to find an apartment in central Madrid.  Lovely one bedroom overlooking a pedestrian only side street. In the US, many people put shutters on their houses for decoration.  In Europe the shutters actually work and serve purposes.  They keep the sun out, but more importantly, they are a noise barrier against the street noises.  It definitely can get loud at night. Even as I write this at 9 am from my apartment which is technically on the 4th floor, but actually the 5th floor and you have to climb 7 flights of stairs to get to it, I can hear the Spanish men who are opening their shops below and they are in a heated discussion about something. I love their passion.  They are passionate about everything.  It is wonderful.

Poseidon

Poseidon

Yesterday I went to the Prado museum and today went to the Museo Thyssen-Bornemisza.  I honestly was so overwhelmed.  There was a Velasquez exhibit at the Prado as the temporary collection which was incredible.  It was amazing to see this huge body of work from an artist who lived centuries ago.  I kept wondering how fast this person painted because he had hundreds of works.  And they aren’t small either. There were many paintings that graced the royal palace and took up entire walls.  How with the “technology” he had to work with then, such as making his own paints, did he ever have time to paint all that?  In the regular collection at the Prado and the MTB hang masterpieces of not only Velasquez but also Goya, Caravaggio, Rembrandt, Botticelli, Monet, Gauguin, Degas and many many more.  Works that span 1000 years that were commissioned by kings and churches.  Amazing works of art that depict the faces and emotions of people long dead as they faced the common struggles that all humans face.

Rembrandt

Rembrandt

That is the thing about great art…it captures that instant of emotion.  A scene, even without people, that uses light to give the viewer an image or a second of a glimpse into time, and it takes your breath away.  Good photography is the same, it captures pure emotion, either within the faces of the people in the picture or in the hearts of the viewer.  Great art just takes the artist longer to capture that essence.  They didn’t have digital back in antiquity, they didn’t even have an art store to buy supplies but had to make their own.  It took months of scraping canvases, painting and repainting to get it right.  Masterpieces.

A House Among the Roses ~Monet

A House Among the Roses ~Monet

The past two days, I have been honored to stand in the same room with these paintings.  I grew up in a middle class household in a small town in rural interior Maine.  In my life, I never thought I would be privileged enough to be able to see works of art such these. I think of all the people who will never get to step inside a museum, who might see art from the web or a book, but never have the opportunity to travel to place where their senses are bombarded with piece after piece of some of the most amazing works of art of the planet.   And from a photo, there is no way one can grasp the texture of the brushstrokes, or the essence of the painting. I ended up being moved to tears at the privilege of seeing these amazing works with my own eyes.

P1060827I am also fortunate to have the experience I get to have.  There are so many people who will never get to hear to tolling of bells to greet the day, or hear only a language different from their own spoken, where they have to figure out how to negotiate without words, or try to figure out where they are on a foreign street in an unfamiliar city, to be immersed in a culture that is foreign to realize how much we really are all the same.  Human.

IMG_2213Even on streets of Madrid with a different language and culture, emotion comes through unmistakably.  Laughter, friendship, joy, grief, sadness, anger…all are displayed everywhere.  The love of parent for a child, a young couple newly married, friends meeting for tapas. Unmistakable.  Poverty also knows no cultural barriers, beggars, prostitutes, pick-pockets look the same in every culture.  Just like great art shows emotion, we can also see it if we just take time to look around at our fellow man.  Human beings are fragile, life is to be cherished for the gift that it is.

I am thankful for everything that has happened in my life that has pushed me to this place right now. I am thankful that I had the courage to try again.  I truly have the best life ever and I appreciate it every day.

2566_615415764933_1729704_n patrickAnd happy birthday to my wonderful son. I am too young to be the mother of a 32 year old. I love you Patrick.

The girl who wrote a blog…

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Have you ever climbed stairs?  When I used to work out with my favorite trainer, he loved to make me work out on this stair machine at the gym.  I hated that machine.  I would climb and climb and never go anywhere, I would just be profoundly sweaty in the end, even after just about 3 minutes.  Even though externally I didn’t get anywhere, internally, I gained lot in terms of fitness (thanks Chip). Stairs are hard work. It takes a lot of effort.  Making huge changes like developing a new identity, or even small ones requires steps and those steps feel like climbing a staircase, and it is hard.  I sweat and breathe hard and want to stop and take a break, but just like on that stair machine, if I stop, I go right back down to the bottom.

I read this great blog last night.  It was called Life Divided by Zero. All I could think of is how smart and creative the author is and I wondered, where to hell is she now??  Because none of those words felt consistent with how I am behaving. I have been going down the stairs, or at the very least trying to rest on the step I have gained without going further.

I have realized that I am trying to make a huge change and transition in my life.  There are steps to doing that.  Steps require climbing.  I climbed to the top of step one which was figuring out who I wanted to be and pictured it, visualizing my life as I want it to be.  Then, I made a mistake, I stayed comfortably on that step, magically just waiting for my life to be transformed.  Yeah, it doesn’t work that easily. When I reread the words I had written that “I had to let go of all I am in order to become who I want to be”, it hit me.  I need to climb to the next step.  I know who I want to be and I can visualize it.

Step two, I have to figure out what is holding me back. When I went through my physical stuff last spring, I allowed myself a set amount of space (8 boxes) and then I picked up each thing I owned and asked myself a question: Is this important enough to go in one of those 8 boxes?  From the answer to that question I made three piles: the things I was sure I wanted to keep, the things I was sure I wanted to discard that weren’t working for me anymore, and the things I wasn’t sure of. Then I packed what I wanted to keep, discarded those items that didn’t work, and did a second culling of the “not sure of” pile. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

Just like when I got rid of my physical stuff, I have to go through my internal self. What are the internal and external barriers to becoming the person I want to be? What am I still clinging to in my old life, why am I clinging to it, what purpose is it still serving me?  I have to examine my internal beliefs, attitudes, self-talk, memories, and all the things that are barriers to moving on.  It isn’t just giving up stuff, it is giving up resting in the dysfunction I have been living with in order to keep from doing the work needed to become who I want to be.

This step is even harder than the step where I gave up all my physical stuff.  This step requires going through all that emotional baggage I carry around with me packed up nice and tight in my internal Sampsonite. I have to open it up, expose it, and go through the mental exercise of examining each piece and separating it those same three piles: those things which work for me, those things which I need to let go of, and those things which I am not certain of.  Then letting go of that which I am sure isn’t working and then going through another cull and really getting to the minutiae of the parts that I am not certain of.

If I want to be the girl with the guts and courage who could write this blog, if I really want to BE her and not just talk about being her, and if I really want the life I have visualized, I have to go through the internal work.  Change only comes with the internal processing to make the internal consistent with the external.  This is gonna suck.

Ginger sheep

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I see the world very differently from a bike than I do in a car.  It seems more up close and personal.  The feeling of the wind in my face, the smells, the sounds…it just allows me to appreciate wherever I am with all of my senses.  Cars tend to be isolating little worlds all unto themselves.  Scenery flies by like it is on TV.  On a bike, it is all real and raw.

coastlineFor the past 6 days, I have been on a cycling “holiday” in Majorca. I am not sure what I thought a cycling holiday would mean. Because I was unsure about riding in a new place by myself where I didn’t speak the primary language, I booked two weeks with a cycling company that advertised cycling holidays and training camps. I guess I thought they would spend a couple of days riding around with us, giving us a map and some tips on what to do or not to do to stay safe and within the bounds of local authority, some advice for coffee shops, scenic views, places to eat, etc.  I thought that they would have some organized training rides for the serious cyclists along with a more “do it yourself” version that just included suggested routes and stops for coffee/pictures.

It isn’t quite like that. There are definitely organized rides, all of which have been too difficult for me. People train for those BEFORE coming to training camp. Unfortunately, I didn’t do that.  So I have struggled a bit, felt like an abject failure at times on big climbs, felt some success at descending, and generally feel more fit today than I did 6 days ago.  5 more days to go…  The company, Stephen Roche Cycling Holidays & Training Camps, their ride leaders and management have all been very professional.  They want me to be successful and to enjoy my trip.  The problem is that as they are pushing me to “enjoy” by doing more physically on the bike, and I have felt a little pressure to perform and it has taken away from my fun of riding a bike.  What is hard is that, while I recognize how good it has been for me physically, I needed a jump start and in fact I wanted that to be part of my sabbatical plan, but it hasn’t been as good for me mentally.  Yesterday, there was a time that I hated being on a bike and all I wanted was to have it end.  My love for riding would be bad thing to trade for a little physical endurance that I could get from just hiring a private cycling coach.

Sunset

Sunset

For me, this is a holiday and what do people do on holiday?  They see beautiful places they wouldn’t have seen, they take a bunch of pictures, eat different foods, and get to talk to people from other places.  I prefer to do that from a bike, hence “cycling holiday”.  So far, I have been so into my own head of how badly I have sucked on the bike that I haven’t done any of those things.  I haven’t even collected one person’s story. I have been too self-absorbed in trying to climb hills, complaining about the bad food, and looking at the view of the wheel of the person in front of me pulling me along.

What is sad about that is that there have been some amazing people here who have fantastic stories.  I have listened to them at dinner but not engaged them in getting them to tell me the details of their stories.  I have just been content to catch bits and pieces as I have been (metaphorically) “licking my wounds” each day.  What a shame and an opportunity lost.  And that has been my problem with this training camp, for me, the cycling is second, the people are first.  But that isn’t why people come here.  They come here for the cycling first and the people second.  They might bring their spouse or mate who doesn’t cycle, but their primary purpose for coming here is to get better and increase their cycling skills.

Ginger sheep

Ginger sheep

For me the best part has been cycling around tiny country roads that are about as wide as the multi-use trail in Seattle. It definitely gets your heart started when you get passed by a car and there is another coming in the other direction on a road that is as wide as the Burke-Gilman trail.  I love cycling through the countryside and hearing the bells on the sheep as they wander through the pastures. There were even orange/red sheep (gingers)…I didn’t even know that sheep could be colors other than black or white!  Then one of our ride leaders told us it was what they dip the sheep in to keep insects at bay that makes them orange.  It was still cool seeing ginger sheep!

Baked goods

Baked goods

I love seeing the almond trees and the beautiful old Spanish homes. I bet it would be stunning in the spring when the trees are all in bloom. The small towns are amazing, tiny cobblestone streets, people chatting and doing business, lovely cafes with incredible assortments of baked goods.  Of course, most of the time I have been ready to vomit by the time we stopped for coffee so I haven’t eaten much of them, but they look delicious. There have been scenic vistas which take your breath away.

After returning yesterday, I went to a café on the beach and had a glass of wine and got my Hemingway on and wrote in my journal. I was trying to get my head back in the cycling game after being totally demoralized by my performance.  While I was there a tour bus went by filled with people about my age.  Tour buses are great, they let you see a lot of things really quickly.  But for me, they are like cars, great for transportation yet isolating little worlds of their own that let the occupants watch the world yet divorced from really being in the world. They aren’t for me. I would rather huff and puff my way up a climb at 7 kph while joggers pass me and see the world by bike.

As I was whining about my cycling performance, one of my Lounge friends, who recently had a heart attack, reminded me of something that I hope I don’t forget very often.  “Life is a gift.  Live it.” ~Don4. This day might be the only one I have left.  I should be savoring it, sucking the very marrow out of the bones of life.  That is what our time on the earth is for.

Here are some photos if you are interested

You don’t have to tell the whole story, but it is important to tell people how you feel.

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I have this crazy belief that in order to solve a problem, I first have to admit that I have a problem.  As long as I am in denial, I can keep ignoring it.  When I can be brutally honest with myself and acknowledge it, then I can start thinking about solutions. But that is just me and the way I deal with things, I am not projecting that as advice to anyone else.  So far in my life, it seems to be working for me.

Since I came back from Africa, I have been experiencing situational depression. I have always been sympathetic to mental health issues, but this has given me even greater respect for those who are suffering from depression.  With my passionate Italian/Irish heritage, I would rather be my batshit-crazy emotional self than to have to deal with this soul-sucking emptiness day after day where I try to joke around and appear normal so no one will realize that I am struggling to cope with the simplest tasks like showering.

I think one of the worst parts of mental illness is the secrecy and stigma.  Talking about it, normalizing it, is one of the healthiest ways to deal with it, get support, and ultimately overcome it.  And at some point in our lives, we all go through it.  It isn’t just something that happens to other people.  Just like we get physically ill from time to time, we also go through low periods mentally.  Our mental health is as important and deserves as much respect as our physical health.

So now, I have named my demon. Just like when a person has the flu, there are things I can do to get healthy. What are my challenges and what can I do to overcome them and be well?

For me, I had to consider when it started.  Sometime, mid to late summer, I got overwhelmed by too many life changes.  Giving up my things, being homeless, living out of suitcases, relying on the goodwill of other people for places to stay and basic life necessities like a shower, travelling, etc.  All of it just started to add up and wear on me.  I am a person who appreciates time alone and it just seemed like I constantly had to be around other people or in their homes and there just wasn’t any place to just be myself.

Fly-swatter wands

Fly-swatter wand

Brooklyn & Charlotte

Brooklyn & Charlotte

Because of that, I wasn’t ready to take on the challenge of Ethiopia, so I left Africa, and came back to Seattle.  On hindsight, it might have been wiser to just go to the east coast and stay with my son and play with my granddaughters.  There is nothing like some time on a backyard swingset or playing pretend as fairies to perk up your mental health, especially when it involves fly-swatter wands.

Instead, I came back to Seattle and all I have really wanted to do is get a place of my own and feel normal again.  But of course, that isn’t what I did.  Sometimes I have to wonder, can I ever take the easy road in life?  Just once?  Instead, I booked a five week trip to Spain.  The plan is to go to Mallorca and cycle for a couple of weeks, then to go traipse around southern Spain from Madrid, Seville, Granada, Cordoba until ending up in Barcelona.  After that, I come back to the U.S. to play fairy with Brooklyn & Charlotte.  Sounds great right?  My problem is, I am not sure I have the capacity to get all the details done to make it happen, I am not sure I can get on the plane, I am not even sure I can get out of bed.

After beating myself up over not being able to snap out of it, I realized I had to admit I had a problem to myself and my friends and then go about solving it. I also had to stop the negative self-talk (thanks Jeff).  So for the first time, yesterday, as I was walking back to where I am staying from the grocery store, I was feeling sad and empty and I just allowed it.  I didn’t try to make it wrong and fix it, I just acknowledge the emptiness, and gave myself permission to feel that way.  And guess what?  I felt better.

So today, my goals are to exercise go for a run, shower, eat healthy, work some on my grant that is due next week, show Jeff the KinectMath software, do some rearranging of the suitcases (AGAIN), finish my Spain reservations, and to not get upset with myself if none of that happens. One day at a time and then nine days from now, we will see if I can get on a plane and go to Europe.

Please do not feed the troll…

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Our dreams do not necessarily have to be fulfilled in order for us to be happy. Nurturing hopes is meaningful in and of itself. It is worth working toward them, regardless of the outcome. When we make this shift away from results, we will find greater courage to act on our aspirations for the world. We will find our nobility of heart.  ~Karmapa

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Troll Under the Bridge, Seattle WA

Yesterday, I got trolled. It has happened before, I have my own personal troll who not only knows me, he knows what my triggers are and he likes to push them.  This troll directly targeted me and specifically mentioned this blog. For a little while, I let it get to me.  The problem with trolls is their goal is to get a rise out of you so if you respond to them, you are giving them what they want. It is called “feeding the troll”. Yesterday, I reacted and fed the troll. I wasn’t very nice in my response to him. Next time, instead of responding, I will let the forum moderator deal with him from the beginning.

The troll in fact, did me a favor.  I was pretty distraught about it for awhile yesterday.  I kept trying to fight my distress by asking myself the question: why would I allow my energy to get wrapped up in the words of someone who has no integrity? Trolling is an act of cowardice. It is someone hiding behind the anonymity of the internet for the purpose of causing distress and I was the specific target of this person. Why would I give that my emotion or my time? Lesson learned. My modus operandi in life, if I have something to say, I either need to have the integrity to say it without hiding who I am or I just need to shut up. It isn’t very hard to figure out where I stand on things, all someone has to do is ask me. However yesterday, my line of thought wasn’t working, I was projecting my own core values onto the situation and that was the wrong way for me to try to think my way out of my distress.

Then I realized a very simple truth, trolls exist where there is good discussion happening.  And the forum I was using is one of the best for stimulating interesting discussion. The troll had hit me hard by insinuating that, from reading my “journal”, he believed that I would agree with what he was saying.  “One thing that I hear people tell others who are in pain or experiencing change and loss is the remark ‘it’s going to be OK’. I think this is said in consolation but I think it’s also misleading and naive. It’s not going to be ok, for many people it didn’t work out or as luck would have it, life didn’t present those opportunities or just persisted circling the drain. Sometimes for reasons beyond our control or influence. Looking at your journal, I think you would agree, it will be OK if like anything else, you make the effort to problem solve, sacrifice, work hard, and accept that life often is sour grapes, loss, pain, and very arbitrary.”

I felt a little sad for the troll and his outlook on life, he doesn’t seem like a very happy person. But his unhappiness helped me clarify my beliefs a little better, so thank you Mr. Troll.  I believe that, yes, life has some sour grapes, loss, pain, and can seem arbitrary, but I don’t believe life IS any of those things. Life has balance, there can be no joy without sorrow, there can be no light without darkness, and there can be no wine without sour grapes.  There can be no great conversation or shifts in perspective if we only have conversations with people that agree with us. Yin-yang.  Life, with all its good and bad, is full, rich, sweet, abundant and wonderful.

And I truly believe that life is going to be okay. I don’t believe my life it is necessarily going to work out the way I wanted, but I believe it is exactly as it should be right now at this moment.  No matter how bad, how impossible something is to overcome, or how egregiously people have hurt me, I just have to nourish my hopes and stay on this side of the ground. I have to love those that are in my life in the moment that they are with me, so that when when they aren’t there, I remember that love.  I have to nourish my mind with new experiences and learning so that I have more than one way of doing things, that helps me from being “stuck“.  I have to nourish my soul by doing that which I think I can’t, even if I try and fail, until I find a measure of success. I have to live life with all my senses, emotions, and in the moment that I have.  It might be the only moment I am given.  That is the only way I know how to do it.

51 Steps

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IMAG0135I have been watching several of my friends struggle with the ending of long term relationships (LTR) and who are at the beginning of the recovery period when they are single, alone, and miserable.  I watch them as they are climbing out of their skin in the silence of their apartments after years of having partners and/or children around.  My heart goes out to them and I understand how they feel.  It wasn’t that long ago that I was exactly where they are. I didn’t think it would ever end short of jumping into another relationship. However, I find that in watching them, I realize I am truly at a different place and can see how far I have actually come. I am at a place that doesn’t require a relationship, a place where I can stand on my own, and I am happy alone or with other people.

Almost everyone I have known that has ended a LTR has gone through the same steps or stages.  Those steps or stages are probably categorized in some self-help book somewhere or in the DSM-V. Since I have already passed through the “self-help book” stage personally, I won’t go into categorizing each one of them, but it seems like there are a lot.  So I am just going to throw a number out there and say… 51.

Fifty-one is significant because it is how many steps I climb each day to get to my house (actually it is technically Matt’s house, but for the moment it is mine too). It is a metaphor for moving from a relatively unsafe place to a place of safety.  Each day, I go from the lack of safety of the street to the relatively safe place of a home in 51 steps.  The same is true after ending a relationship that you thought would last a lifetime.  At first, you are in the relatively unsafe, unknown place of being alone. And from there, you start climbing through each one of the steps or stages until finally, you are safe at home. You have found a place of belonging. Maybe that is with another person or maybe, like me, you have accepted and embrace being alone.

Emotionally, I am pretty sure I am somewhere between step 40-45. I have my personal life pretty well straightened out, I am still trying to piece together the last of the professional one. That is right, when your personal life falls apart through the ending of a relationship, it affects your professional life too. For me, that has manifested itself in an inability to write academically.  As a college professor whose career is dependent on academic publications, this is problematic.  So I am going through the step right now where I am, just a little a time, learning how to write academically again.  I just passed through the step where I had to relearn how to read. I have been amazed at how many of my friends who have let go of relationships have lost their ability to read for pleasure.  I am honestly just getting that back.  The next step is reading academic literature.  And then finally, getting back to some semblance of a publication schedule.

So for my friends who are on step 4-10, try to realize that soon, you will feel much better.  The climb is tough but worth it.  There are some things you can do to make it easier.  Everyone has to find his/her own coping strategies but here are my favorites:  learn to play, keep a journal, reward yourself for little things, dance even if it is alone in your living room, learn something new, push yourself physically, dress in colors (not black), if you live in an urban area take a bus ride, volunteer, join meetup.com and meet some cool people, find your spirituality (yoga, meditation, prayer, being out in nature), change your environment (I did this by rearranging my furniture).  There are a lot of others.  The important thing is don’t stay stuck too long. It is just like when your car is stuck, the longer you are in a rut and the deeper you bury yourself by spinning your wheels doing the same thing over and over, the harder it is to get out.

Start climbing.  51 steps to go…

42 in base 12

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I started this blog to document sabbatical and the creation of a new identity as a I move into the final chapter of my life.  I am going through the process of detangling myself from the identity which has served my the first 50 years of my life.  It is an identity wrapped up in the service of others: wife, mother of dependent children, and teacher.  It is an identity couched in the victimization of trauma, trauma that is healed and over and a part of the past.  It is time to let that all go. Now it is time to find my place in the world as a strong, confident, independent woman.  Yet as I read through many of the posts of this blog, I realized I spend a lot of time writing about the people I love and not as much time writing about myself.

pottyIn case you didn’t catch the math from the title of this post, today is my 50th birthday. I have been sad in anticipation of this day, but as usual, the anticipation is the hard part.  Now that the day is here, I find I can’t help but be happy.  The 50’s are going to be the best decade yet.

Milestone birthdays always make you reflect on the previous decade.  My 40’s have been tumultuous to say the least. Up until 43, my life was pretty normal and relatively boring.  After 43, it has been one crisis after another. Yet here I sit on the cusp of 50, feeling like I have been through the fires of hell and realizing that the pain I have gone through has produced a well of strength and independence that I will draw on for the next decade.  I am a better woman because of everything that has happened to me. I am ready to be the woman I have become.  I am ready to embrace a life of abundance.  I have abundant resources, energy, health, and love of the most amazing people on the planet.  There is nothing holding me back other than myself. It is time for me to get out of my own way.

Who am I?  I am an academic, a college professor, a teacher of teachers. I am intelligent and articulate. I am an adventurer, a wanderer, a philosopher. I am compassionate, loving, and warm.  I am blunt, outspoken, and opinionated.  I am passionate, loyal, and I love deeply. I have an inner beauty that is apparent to anyone who takes the time to know me.  I use all my senses and emotions and I look at the world with a sense wonder and magic.  I am a woman who is trying to respect her boundaries, to honor herself and her needs while at the same time caring for the needs of others.  I love the mountains and nature and I believe in taking care of the planet I ride on.  I love to ski, climb, ride, jump off stuff, and to raise my face up to the sky giving thanks for the world around me every day.  I am a woman with a sense of life. That is who I am.

robinSo my birthday plans are to be on my bike by 8 am.  I want to ride 50 miles, but I will be thankful for as many as I get in.  I have been off the bike for quite awhile and I won’t beat myself up if I don’t make 50, I am happy just to be riding along. It is going to rain and I forgot my fender at Matt’s so I will have a brown mud streak up my back, but that is what they make washing machines for.  After my ride, a nice hot shower, lunch, and then doing some work this afternoon followed by a quiet dinner with Tony, Ken, and Marisa.  It is going to be a lovely day.

Cheers to the next decade.  ~Robin

The Gift

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On Monday, I will be 50 years old. It is one of those milestone birthdays that, until yesterday, was bothering me a bit. Yesterday, I got it all sorted out in my mind. Everyone keeps asking me lots of questions like where am I staying, what am I going to do now, what I want for a present for my birthday, and what I want to do on my birthday. I hope this post will answer those questions.

Sometimes, life is pretty incredible. When I got home from Whistler, I sent a message to my friend Matt‘s girlfriend Amanda about needing my car. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew that the car is all I have left. I was going to get in it and just start driving. That isn’t what I wanted to do, I just didn’t know anything else to do. Since Matt was in South America indefinitely, I didn’t expect to see him. Then Amanda said the most amazing thing. She said, “I am picking Matt up a the airport at 10 pm tonight, I know he has been thinking about you and wants to see you”. I lost it and just started crying. I hadn’t realized until that moment that what I needed more than anything else in the world was the support of my friend. It just happened that I was back at the same time that he came home for a week before he leaves again for Asia.

sunrise

Sunrise from the deck

Here is the amazing part. He picked me up when I got off my bus and we went and talked. He should have been spending time with his family, but instead he is letting me cry all over him. He had already checked with his roommates and they offered me a place to stay in this gorgeous house, with a fabulous gourmet kitchen and a great view of Seattle. They offered me comfort, compassion, and safety. They are certainly some of the most chill people I have met in Seattle. They made me feel immediately welcomed and at home. How did I get so fortunate? I have to be the most blessed person on the planet. Seriously.  I spent Wednesday reconnecting with my friends Maurea, Melinda, Deloa and Larry. They took time out of their schedules to make me feel valued and loved.

Yesterday, Matt and I went hiking up Tiger Mountain. He was going to paraglide down, I just hiked down. After a lovely hike up with time to talk to my friend, on the way down I got some solo time to think about everything. I decided to take sabbatical in very small steps. I want to finish a paper and a grant I am working on so I need two weeks in one place to work. So I am staying in Seattle until October 1 (thanks Jeff and Elle for letting me crash at your house). Then I just need a short adventure. So I am going back to the original plan and taking off for a month in Spain, cycling Mallorca getting back in time for Thanksgiving with my children. I am not planning on any other activities, just getting up every day and cycling and then enjoying the Spanish culture in the evenings. I need some time on my bike. After that, I don’t know yet and I am not going to plan anything.

On the way home from the mountain, Matt (who is still just 25 years old) was being his usual silly self. I was laughing, the sun was shining, we were just being goofy, I felt like I was kid. At that moment it hit me what a true healing gift his friendship has been to me. I have had a lot of trauma in my life. From the time I was 10 years old, I didn’t have a normal childhood. I grew up very fast and took on lots of responsibility. There was never any of that carefree playtime. Steadfastly, over the last 6 years of our friendship, through the trauma of divorce, the exploitation of my former therapist, the betrayal of a false friend, through a mountain of debt, tenure & promotion, deaths, births, marriages…all of it, Matt has loved me unconditionally. I am 25 years his senior, a female, not that athletic, and still he has dragged me on more adventures, taken the time to get to know and understand me on a level that no one else ever did. He doesn’t judge or belittle, but just truly accepts me as I am and encourages me to be my best. He teaches me how to be spontaneous, to take risks, and to just play knowing that I have the security of his love and caring as a safety net. For the first time in my whole life since I was 10 years old, yesterday, I felt healed and whole. So for my birthday, I have already received my gift.

sunset1

Sunset overlooking the Olympic Mountains and Queen Anne

I don’t need physical gifts, I don’t even have a house. The gift I get from all the people in my life is the gift of their love and acceptance. What more do I need? I have so many amazing friends that I am rich beyond measure and that can never be measured in physical things. Life is short and sweet. I am entering the sunset of my life, the last 30 years. I believe our lives and the legacy we leave behind will be known by the love we have shared during our time on this planet.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~Maya Angelou

P.S. This seems like a good post for a Stevie Nicks song.  

O Canada!

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I have been back in the states for 48 hours, staying in my old neighborhood. It is funny, I have been stuck for so long and I had blamed it on my living situation, the debt, my job, my ex, and the exploitative therapist. It took going to the other side of the world to make me realize the “stuckness” was all me and the way I perceive all those things. It is quite a revelation. I came back totally appreciative of the gray, gloomy Seattle sky, clean water, access to services, and the care and compassion of my incredible friends.

So now I am heading to Canada for a couple of days of reflection, contemplation, hiking, and friendship. I need to process all that happened in the last month. The mountains of British Columbia are the perfect setting for doing that and for helping me to decide what to do with the next year of my life. I have the beginnings of a new sabbatical plan in my head (thanks Tony!!). My goal for my weekend is to sketch out a rough idea of the next 12 months.

Pictures and reassessment on Tuesday when I return. For now…O Canada!

The next 50 years…

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Song for the day:  Tom Petty’s  “Learning to Fly”
I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings.  Coming down, is the hardest thing.
I’m learning to fly, around the clouds.  But what goes up, must come down.

I never said I was doing this right,  I just said I was doing it.  Yesterday, I needed a reality check. Thanks Carl, Panos and Dawit for helping me have a shift in perspective.

Sometimes, I need a good swift kick in the pants to wake me up. I have spent a week in the doom and gloom of the “woe is me” phenomena.  What if I made a mistake in coming here?  What if the situation doesn’t change, how am I going to do my job?  What if…what if…what if…   Carl, thank you for giving me the first perspective shift with that one sentence:  I am here now, so instead of complaining, what can I do to change the problems?  Yes, I know that I can’t change everything and I need to stop letting that be a limiting factor.  The question I need to ask myself is what CAN I do instead of dwelling on what I believe can’t happen.   Believing in what can’t happen is the limiting thought we all have at times, and it is the thing we need to fight more than any other human behavior.

It was once believed it was impossible for a human being to break the 4 minute mile in running, until one man did it. Within a year after the first man did it, over a hundred others had done it also.   As human beings, we are only limited by what we believe is impossible.  I have to believe that all things are possible.

The second perspective shift I had was when someone else told me that I “am part of the 50 year plan”. I need to stop thinking that I am going to save the world tomorrow.  I am one piece of a puzzle that fits together, hopefully effecting change in the next 50 years.  It is a process and I am just one cog in the process.  My business is STEM education.  The practical applications of STEM disciplines (engineering, applied math, technology, etc) are a major key to improving the quality of human life in basic services such as clean water, sanitation, energy, shelter, infrastructure, food production and communications.  I believe that we have a collective responsibility to improve the lives of people around the world in respect to these basic services and key to that provision is educating a generation of students capable of providing solutions in their own countries.  That is how I can effect change.  Now I just need to do that without whining.

Interesting thing about the 50 year plan:  I will turn 50 years old in a couple of weeks. So I will never see the 50 year plan come to fruition, I just have to believe that actions I take will actually make a difference.   In 50 more years, my two beautiful granddaughters will be my age. What kind of world will they get to live in?  And how can my actions today make it better for them when they are 50?

I get so irritated with myself for not being able to stop playing the tape in my head. Here is how my tape goes: “I miss my grandchildren and I miss enjoying firsthand what wonderful parents my son and daughter-in-law are.  I miss my beautiful effervescent daughter and all she adds to my daily life. I miss my amazing friends and the strength they give me every day to do the things I do.  I miss my bike.  I miss the freedom and independence of having a car to go wherever and whenever I want to. I miss being able to hang out on the internet all hours of the day”.  Okay…there is my pity party… now … get over it Robin. Shut the tape off.  The third perspective shift I am going to give myself right now.  Here it goes:   I have had the most amazing life anyone could ask for.  I have been able to travel to every inhabited continent on the planet.  I have had an incredible career that has allowed me to make a difference in so many peoples’ lives.  I have the two most remarkable children on the planet and they are both now in relationships with loving partners who are as wonderful as they are.  On top of all that, I am blessed with these two intelligent, loving, beautiful grandchildren that astonish me every time I am around them.  I have a loving family and supportive friends.  So WHAT TO HELL AM I COMPLAINING ABOUT????  I need to do the job I came here to do and know that all those things will be there when I get back.

When I focus on the negative aspects of life and my situation, I am a pretty miserable person. When I take the time to notice and give thanks for the positive things in life, I am a happy person.  So today I have a choice: miserable or happy, what is it going to be?

Today, my goal is to take pictures of the beauty I see around me.  There are a lot of things that are horrific, but there even more things that are beautiful.  Today is a day to focus on the beauty of Addis Ababa.  No complaining.  One day at a time.  Breathe, be aware, smile, and own it.  50 more years…

The practical side:

Practically speaking, I would say our greatest need is for a generator so that we could have consistent power.  Second most important is means of communication, both snail-mail and internet.  I am going to research the cost of a post-office box for the school and I am trying to find out how to get satellite internet.  I see satellite dishes everywhere and there has to be a reason for that.  But of course satellite dishes require power so we are back to our greatest need of a generator.